A: BS"D It is preferable before engagement to refrain from gifts. In the halachos of Purim, men and women cannot give each other shalach manos. It is not appropriate because they are not married. If a man gives a gift, it could be a suffaik kidushin, depending on conditions, bringing complications that no one needs. I would say to avoid gifts before engagement. Then, from the moment you become engaged (with Heaven's help), "make up for lost time," and be as generous as you can for the rest of your life with the woman you will marry.

Wishing success and all the best,

Rabbi Forsythe

[the following is a continuation of above correspondence]

Thank you R. Forsythe for answering my inquiry.

This woman is living across the county, so its a long schlep to see each other. Is there an recommended a minimum number of times/or time span that we have to see each other in person, before the engagement could me proposed?

A: It does not matter so much how many times you see each other or how long you should know her. What matters is how WELL you know her - is it enough to decide she has the character, temperament, lifestyle and goals to be a lifelong partner to each other. Please see my website Zivug section, for example the subsites about deciding who is right and when you are ready to marry. The relationship has to fall into place and flow smoothly with your life, you have to both enjoy pleasing each other, you have to be able to comfortably be yourselves with each other, respect and appreciate and trust each other. No relationship will be perfect and you will never know someone totally, so I do not suggest you have to date overlong. However, it should seem like the two of you will be compatible, care for each other, communicate and get along, for the most part and to a livable extent. Frum people should not date or be engaged too long - the objective is to be married, so there is some balance needed.

Wishing you hatzlacha,

Rabbi Forsythe

-------------------------

I have been having a relationship with a Isralie man, who I definitely is my true soulmate. How- ever there is a problem, He is still married but living in separate areas of a big house. He has two daughters. He stays in this miserable situation solely because of his jewish values, and prays each morning. He knows I'm his soul- mate too. He tells me to be strong that one day we will die together. It is very difficult to endure this waiting. I don't want to be selfish, I understand his situation. He is a businessman and has built his security. I love him very much, and feel like we have been soulmates, for 200 years. We are both the same age, we are more than connected. Should I endure this situation? Or should I wait and see. Please let me know, my soul and spirit are aching. Thank You.

A: With the help of Heaven

Sorry to be the one to tell you but only G-d knows who is a true soul-mate. I hear single people cry repeatedly about a lost "soulmate." In my counseling work experience, every time it has occured, without exception, the one who cries about losing a soulmate was eventually dropped by the other and the other got married to someone else. The one who "knew" they had been soulmates remains unmarried. The person has had a package of emotional problems that the other eventually picked up on, so they quit the relationship. It is neither mature or realistic. If he is married, a relationship is not practical nor moral nor legal. If he lives by Jewish values, it is a contradiction to say that you love him and to disrespect his Jewish values. My advice is to move on immediately and forget him. If you cannot, it is unhealthy and I would suggest that you consider professional counseling. This is an emotional issue in you, not a soulmate matter in Heaven. Sorry, but I see no option that accomodates your feelings. It would be best for yourself to overcome them and move forward with your life.

Rabbi Forsythe

-------------------------

A: BS"D

First of all, you can gently, calmly without anger, say, "It never happened. This is all false. These are only rumors. There has never been any proof. It is motzee shaim ra de'Oraisa and it is assur for any Jew to believe or accept this." Speak to the rav of the shul in which you are shunned, telling the points in quote marks that I just wrote. You can ask friends why they shun you, if you won't feel uncomfortable. I would reserve this for friends who you value only, not everybody. They have to prove guilt, you don't have to prove innocence. Again, say the things to these friends, if appropriate, that I said in quotes. You position yourself with all people as if 100% normal, nothing out of the ordinary.

With best wishes,

Rabbi Forsythe

[same writer again]

Dear Rabbi Forsythe: Thank you so much for taking the time to answer my question, which I greatly appreciate. Torah blessings to you and your family. A guten erev Shabbos.

-------------------------

A: "Minhagim" would only refer to kosher minhagim which have a kosher Torah mesorah. The same law that says to keep peace and unity with a husband says to keep all of the Torah - and the laws apply to all Jews. You should run from a husband seeking marital relations during nida like you would run from a house on fire. Try to inspire him to learn and observe Torah, definitely raise the children religiously and with Torah schooling. If he is working sincerely, stay with him and encourage him. If he adamantly refuses to obey Torah, you are living different, incompatible lives and he is a sakana (danger) to your soul and the souls of your children. You do not make traif food - don't allow it in the house. This must all be communicated gently and nicely, with no anger nor confrontation. Explain "this and that" are how you have to live, you have principles that cannot be violated, you would love him to be with you, you invite him to start learning, affection will be more meaningful, beautiful and fulfilling if it is not hefker and freely available all the time, nida makes the relationship more unconditional and endearing, etc. - put a positive and motivating spin on everything. Without being kosher, a thing is not a minhag, it is lust and is not legitimate. Perhaps you might benefit from some sort of marital counseling with someone loyal to Torah, if it would keep the marriage in tact in a way consistent with growing in Torah together.

Hatzlacha,

Rabbi Forsythe

[the following is a continuation of above correspondence]

That would be one thing if there were no children involved. Then I could walk away, and look for a more observant husband. However, when we married, we were both completely secular. He is still a confirmed atheist. If I am, at this point in time, experiencing a spiritual awakening, how can I force it upon another individual? He must come to it of his own, just as I did. Are coerced Mitzvos really valid? Is it not a greater evil to wreck the marriage and destroy the children's family than to defer/postpone observance of some Mitzvos? After all, I have not observed those Mitzvos up until now. Does t'shuva mean that I must take on the entire package at once, or is there any leeway for gradualism? I was thinking that if I let him see the benefits of Shabat, Kashrus, and so on, he may come around to being more interested in following the same path. If, however, I try to force him into observance that he does not believe in, will that not drive him away rather than bringing him to love Mitzvos? Where is the benefit in doing so? If I am left a single mother, what is the virtue of this practice? If we destroy the Mishpahah, how can there be Taharat HaMishpahah?

A: BS"D

I told you to use a positive and motivating approach. Coerced mitzvos are better than avairos. You have to make a judgement as to how much to invest in bringing your husband around and how much time to invest in waiting for him. You must keep the spiritual welfare of your children and the influences to which they are subjected in your calculations. You need an on hand rov who is familiar with the baal tshuva scene. Do you have a rov? Have you contact with a baal tshuva organization such as Aish HaTorah. However, when you you ask a rabbi a question, either ask it with the intent to listen or don't ask. You say there would be no taharas hamishpocha without a mishpocha. But don't let that be rationalized into there being no tahara in the mishpocha. Gradualism is valid when there is genuine commitment to continually grow and there is steady, reliable improvement and progress. Shalom Bayis requires what the Torah considers a "bayis [Jewish home]". I suggest you speak in person to someone involved with baalai tshuva. This requires specialized expertise.

Hatzlacha,

Rabbi Forsythe

-------------------------

I am curious as to the traditional word "rabbi." I am under the impression that it means "teacher." While discussing this with a friend, they informed me that in "ancient" times, in order for a man to be a "rabbi" and to teach in the temple he must be married. Could you please tell me if this is true or not?

A: A Rabbi is someone authorized to teach and be considered a part of Jewish tradition. Only a judge in a religious court, which entails special ordination and expertise, is required to be married, although the Jewish ideal is for all of marriageable age to be married.

Rabbi Forsythe

-------------------------

Please tell me, is it possible to actually sin against a person, or is sin only ever directed against God? If so, is sin against a person called something else ~ like a trepass or violation?

Thank you.

A: With the help of Heaven

Dear Gabrielle,

All sins are sins against G-d. Sins against people are ALSO sins agains the person. Repentence for sins against G-d includes three basic steps: remorse, admitting the sin to G-d and commitment to never doing it again. Repentence for a sin against a person includes a fourth step: appeasing (apologize, pay back for damage, comfort the person, make peace, do what it takes for the other to "forgive and forget)." The best idea, of course, is to avoid sins of every kind in the first place. Sincerely,

Rabbi Forsythe

[continuation, after second question] With the help of Heaven

Dear Gabrielle,

All sins are sins against G-d. Sins against people are ALSO sins agains the person. Repentence for sins against G-d includes three basic steps: remorse, admitting the sin to G-d and commitment to never doing it again. Repentence for a sin against a person includes a fourth step: appeasing (apologize, pay back for damage, comfort the person, make peace, do what it takes for the other to "forgive and forget)." The best idea, of course, is to avoid sins of every kind in the first place.

Sincerely,

Rabbi Forsythe

[continuation of previous correspondence]

Q: Is there such a thing as an unforgiveable sin? Thank you! G-d Bless you

A: If one says, "I will sin and then repent," he is not able to repent for such a sin.

Rabbi Forsythe

-------------------------

I tried to remember where it first went wrong.

I believe after we were together for the first time. The experiance hadn't lived up to his expectations and he told me to my face afterwards that he didn't love me. For weeks he had been chasing me around and cornering me trying to be physical, and I resisted because it wasn't allowed and then he just wiped out everything -including my affection for him as though it were nothing. I doubted my attractiveness and felt I wasn't worthy of being loved ,it made me tremendously insecure.

The fact that I recieved not any marriage by my wedding as is the custom, also made me feel I wasn't worthy. He didn't believe in giving birthday cards, flowers signs of care ans affection we have always shown in our family.

I've never been able to trust him, after what he said, although he has since said he was a stupid thing to say . Yet I always wonder inthe back of my mind if I was just a convient shidduch for him , as nothing else had appeared for him at the time.

I trusted him, after I had a great job lined up in New York and he promised me we were staying and then changed his mind, I regretfully followed him to his home outside the U.S., where he assured me there was an apt. and job waiting.

Nothing, not only that but my inlaws insisted that we leave and their apt. we stayed by his brother and then were told that ther was no job as well. He borrows money and doesn't tell me and I know he is hiding something. How can I trust him?

We shuffle along, and have tried to find a comon ground.

I was once a very thin young woman and he told me that it had appealed to him, since having children B''H, I have gained alot of weight , most because I am unhappy with myself.

We lost two infants and he grew cold during those times, by the last one he actually ran out on me after I got home from the hospital,it hasn't done anything to endear him to me.

He forgot my birthday and anniversary and I decided that it was enough suffering in silence.

As I work with him, and he constantly makes jokes and refers to me as the boss,and insinuating that I am the pushy type making him look like the poor typical jewish husband. It is just the opposite. I told him that when I got paid like the boss then he could call m one.

In fact on mothers day I received flowers and cards only because I made sure to jokingly refer to the fact that my husband doesn't believe in birthdays, anniversaries and mothers day.

I don't like doing that, but my daughter is afraid to ask for anything. I buy clothing 2 times a year for yomtov and he always hits the ceiling and snarls. I just told him they have to have it or it isn't menschlach to be scene in public with worn out clothing or kovedik to yomtov. I'm always being told we have to watch our spending. I just want for the basics. I don't have any credit cards because he sweet talked me and maxed those out years ago.

I love my kids, but sometimes I wished I'd gone back to school first instead of listening to my brother who told me to just go out with him. Should ofs, won't help me now, he is demanding my constant attendance of his business, answering phones scheduling appointments, ( I swore I was going back to school that was 12 years ago )now he wants to get a license in his field- this is a necessity. but my chance are slipping away and I need to do this for myself and my children to give them respect. He looks down on me and made sure to tell me that his sisters are both now professionals in their fields and educated.

I wish I could have the kind of relationship you described so beautifuly , but all I get is taken advange of when I try to be giving.

And yes I did go to counseling but a) the dr. had unresolved issues with his own mother/wife , what ever and he turned on me after my husband had a closed session with him.The doctor needed a therapist.

We circle one another alot of the time I with a great deal of mistrust never knowing what he is doing and saying. I wish it didn't have to be this way.

Is there anything that can be done to help the situation, realisticly?

(sorry the letter was so long)

A: BS"D

May 21, '02

The main thing that I can think of is to find another counselor as soon as possible, one who is frum, empathetic and competent. Don't let the previous counselor's failure taint your view. Meanwhile, keep as positive in your attitude and outlook as possible. Find a way to work together to repair your Shalom Bayis. Ask around (e.g. rabbis or rebitzens) for referrals to a reliable counselor who respects Yiddishkeit.

Rabbi Forsythe

-------------------------

My family and I have been contemplating moving back to the New York area, having been away for several years in a community outside the US where my parents live. The issue is not Yiddishkeit, there are yeshivos here and a vibrant Orthodox community. There are other reasons including my husband's having more employment opportunities in NY and more options regarding chinuch for our son, as well as being able to monitor my father-in-law's health situation. Now, with new fears of, G-d forbid, increased terrorist activities in the United States, I was wondering if you have any opinion about a family relocating to NY in this time.

Thank you.

A: BS"D

May 21, '02

I would not make a decision based on terror threats. Make the overall decision based on considerations of chinuch, employment, shalom bayis and your father-in-law's health needs. I do not know your family so I cannot offer real advice, but it sounds like the major considerations are at odds with the terror threat. No one is changing their lives over the terror threats (that just makes the terrorists more valid) - people are just more diligent and on the look out for anything suspicious to report to authorities.

Rabbi Forsythe

-------------------------

A: BS"D

May 21, '02

Correct. The Torah She Bal Peh is the Oral Law, which was passed down from rabbi to disciple from the time of Moshe. It was written down after the destruction of the Holy Temple and the exile caused by the Romans, when many rabbis were killed or scattered and the Oral Law was in danger of being forgotten.

It conatins law, philosophy and moral content that amplifies on the Torah itself, which is relatively brief and sketchy about its mitzvos, teachings and ethics. The Oral Law fills us in on what the true and correct observances and beliefs are and also teaches how to think link a Jew must.

Without the Oral law, we would never know the real meaning of the Torah and mitzvos; for example * we are commanded to slaughter meat in a specific way but only the Oral Law tells how, * that an "eye for an eye" means monetary payment (not eye-gauging), * the laws of shabos, that females from Ammon and Moav can convert to be Jews (while the Torah prohibition against accepting these nations only applies to their males), etc.

Hope this helps. Best wishes,

Rabbi Forsythe

-------------------------

Thank you for providing such a valuable and unique source of Torah information.

I have what for some may be a trivial issue, but I am torn emotionally about it and hope you can provide some applicable wisdom. I am having a conflict between shalom bait and tzniut.

My husband and I have been married very happily for fifteen years. We have grown together at almost the same pace in many areas. We are Modern/Centrist Orthodox and shomrim mitzvot. Our children attend a wonderful day school that meshes haskafically with our family observances. We are both from a German background. His family is "traditional" Conservative, and my family is not religious at all. We have a warm and close relationship with both sides of the family, choosing to avoid as many volatile situations and swallow as many argumentative responses as possible for the sake of shalom bait.

Over the last number of years, there is an issue between us that has become more disturbing to me over time. I do not cover my hair, except in shul, or in very specific environments where it would be expected. I would like very much to take on this observance.

My husband is adamant that I do not do this. His says (frequently, and only about this issue) that my great-grandmother and his great-grandmother both were pious ladies, and both did not cover their hair. He feels very strongly that my covering my hair would be a "move too far to the right" and that it would be provocative and call unnecessary attention to our family. He believes that it is important that we "make a line in the sand" for normative practice. He feels it would be a political statement that would be against Modern Orthodoxy, against "torah im derech eretz" and away from the path of our family traditions.

A big part of my husband's reluctance is based on his idea that this is not a Torah commandment, just a custom. I have printed out numerous articles and divrei Torah and sources (leaving them on his pillow), but he disagrees. My husband points to previous generations' Rebbetzins that did not cover as proof that it is not "necessary."

My reasons for wanting to cover are relatively superficial. I feel uncovered. I feel exposed. This has become more of an issue in the last years after we moved to a larger community, so it is in part a response to "community standards."

We maintain very strict levels of shabbat, kashrut, and tacharat hamishpocha. We approach Torah with respect and ask our shailot, striving to learn and grow and follow the mitzvot. Except for this issue. I wonder sometimes that people might question my home's kashrut because of this. ("If she doesn't do this public thing, then what else doesn't she do in private?")

I have not asked a shaila about this because I am afraid for the discord and damage it would do to our shalom bait. I know that he would not divorce me about such a thing, but I also know that he feels very strongly about this, and would be quite agitated and angry with me for asking a binding shaila in this regard. I have "threatened" to ask either our Rav or another Rav in town (whom my husband admires and respects greatly, attends his shiur, but with whom we have no personal relationship) about this, but this makes my husband very angry. He has admitted that we would follow whatever was paskened, but that he would be very unhappy if I "did this to us."

I don't understand how, if he believes the answer would be to cover, how can we not cover, or at least ask?

Sometimes, we have guests who I know would be offended at the idea of me uncovered during bentching or brachot, so I cover. My husband will invariably call attention to this, and ask me (in the kitchen, but loud enough for the guests to hear, "When are you going to take that thing off?") If I have been to a simcha and come home wearing a hat, he always notices and asks me why. He has no problem with me wearing a hat at shul (in fact would be appalled at the idea if I didn't) but wants to be sure it is limited to davening/"appropriate" situations.

When I mention "community standards", my husband wants to know to which "community" I am referring. This sometimes degenerates into a silly listing of every female friend whom we both respect (Thank G-d, we have a lot of wonderful friends) and piling their names up in a "hair covering" balance scale for or against. I don't wish to "join" or "unjoin" any social group; I just want to feel more appropriately dressed more often. I have considered doing this in secret, just during the day, when my husband is at work. This is unacceptable to me, however, because it feels immature and we have a wonderful relationship that I would not want to sully with deception.

If you have any advice, suggestions or wisdom to share that would either help me formulate an appropriate shaila, convince my husband to embrace kisui rosh, or accept the status quo, I would greatly appreciate it.

Thank you so much for your time, wisdom, and for this opportunity to ask this question.

All the best.

A: BS"D

June 2, 02

My suggestion is to gradually build up your head covering practice so your husband can be conditioned and to take increases in small, non-adversarial doses. That your great-great grandmothers did not cover hair does not mean anytthing because they may have been pious but unlearned. Use a fall or hat to cover your hair at the start and gradually build up the amount of hair you cover and the amount of time (or kinds of contexts e.g. shul, shiurim, etc.) till it gets more complete in coverage and time. Make it clear, in a gentle, non adversarial tone that this is what is required.

Best wishes,

Rabbi Forsythe

-------------------------

I read the following in your ''kovod'' section with interest- That about the posuk "I place HaShem before me always" (Tehilim 16:8), the Brisker Rov said to his son Reb Berel that always concentrating on this verse, keeping G-d with you and considering Him your master, is a segula [aid] for Divine protection. I was wondering if you could give me a source for that. I heard a similar thing in name of the Bais Halevi and Rav Chaim about the posuk ''Ata hareisa l'das ki Hashem Hu Haelokim ein od milvado'' in Devarim 4:35. One of the places I came across that was in a book on the life of Reb Chaim of Volozhin,a forbear of the Brisker dynasty. Can it be the Brisker Rabbonim said both are a segula? Thank you.

A: BS"D

June 2

I heard this from one of my rovs who has two sons learning in Brisk in Yerushalayim. I am not aware of the quote in a book. It is transmitted orally down the line of transmission from World War II to the present.

Best wishes,

Rabbi Forsythe

-------------------------

I have been invited to attend the Bas Mitvah of one of my students.The child also mention that there would be a kiddush (I am not sure of the spelling) afterwards. Can you tell me what that is? I have never been to a Temple before and would like to learn something about the service before I attend, and what will happen. I want to give proper respect to the rite and do not wish to embarass myself or the family.

Thank you for your time.

A: With the help of Heaven

June 4

Dear Susan,

The Jewish day is counted as from evening to evening. On Sabbath and major holidays, to render the evening and day meals holy, the ceremony of kiddush [sanctification] on sacramental wine is made in order to turn the meal into an act of religious worship. Since the letters are in Hebrew, there is no need to worry over a precise English transliteration, as long as people get the right idea.

There will be a blessing on the wine and then some form of repast will be served. If you are not Jewish, I would not be too concerned about the details of the ritual law because no one would expect perfect ritual participation since you never had a Hebrew education. I would simply advise you to keep your eyes and mind open, keep calm (and not self-conscious) and be as cordial in your general demeanor as you can. No one would hold you to a high standard of right and wrong.

My guess is that the main thing is to share in the religious event and share an atmosphere of respect, balancing joy and solemnity. What you don't know about, just don't make any comments about, although sincere questions are valid for you to ask.

Bas Mitzva (for a girl, age 12; Bar Mitzva for a boy, age 13) means assuming the duties of adulthood in Jewish law; the person becomes accountable for observing religious law from that time on.

The one religious point I would make to you is to not touch any wine (or grape-derived product such as grape juice). The reason is that wine is used for religious ceremonies of many kinds and kosher wine must not be used by anyone who does not abide by those rituals, whether non-Jew or atheistic Jew. If you are given a glass of wine for your self, that is fine, but do not pass it further along to a Jewish person, please. Other than this, I would tell you to enjoy the time and consider yourself honored by having been invited, as obviously the family thinks highly of you and sees you in a friendly light.

Has this been of help? Sincerely,

Rabbi Forsythe

-------------------------

A: BS"D

I would not sell him the diamond. I would want to send a "moral message" that you cannot in any way play a part in his engagement or marriage.

Sincerely,

Rabbi Forsythe

-------------------------

First of all I hope my question is consistent with your site as I do not wish to waste your time. About six months ago I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years - the main reason being she was NOT jewish. I think she probably would have converted for me - but at the time I didnt think this was appropriate (it seemed too easy and both my grandparents are holocaust survivors). I now miss her dearly and feel very alone. My ex-girlfriend has seemed to have moved on with her life fine, although she now no longer wants to talk to me(fair enough I guess I would not like to be rejected due to the religion I was born with).

I am unsure whether I have made the right decision

Where i live there are few jewish people and about 80% of my jewish friends are dating non-jews. I now also fear starting a relationship with a non-jew with the fear of this emotional turmoil again. I also strongly feel that just because I feel I should have a jewish partner I should have to lower my expectation standards.

So I guess my questions really are:

1. Should I try to contact my ex even though I feel a connection with her but she clearly does not wish this?

2.Do you think I made the right decision?

3.Will I ever find a compatible Jewish partner? If so how?

Thank you for your help.

A: With the help of Heaven

June 28

1) It would be very unhealthy to keep in contact with your ex girl friend because you are investing emotionally in a futility.

2) Breaking up was more than the right decision, it was the only decision.

3) Try one or more Jewish groups - join groups that cater to young Jewish populations and/or causes. Just being there means you have something in common with the others because, besides being Jewish, there is some shared interest in (or at least openness to) the theme of the organization.

Wishing you the best,

Rabbi Forsythe

-------------------------

Your comments please

Toda

A: With the help of Heaven,

The original Hebrew is "pru urvu" two words which mean "to have offspring and to multiply". The idea is that G-d told Adam to inaugurate the populating of the earth with people. There was no human before Adam - you're right...Adam was the first.

Sincerely,

Rabbi Forsythe

-------------------------

As you may be aware, the group known as the Witnesses claims that two witnesses to an act of rape or child molestation must be produced, or nothing can be done. Including notifying the police must not be done, unless specifically required by law. They further claim that the Bible teaches this, for example in Deuteronomy 17:2-7 and 19:15, and Numbers 35:30.

I think that Deuteronomy 22:23-27, and a common-sense application of the principle set forth in this case law, clearly teaches that it is not always necessary to have two eye-witnesses to a rape before it can be dealt with -- since this passage says quite clearly that in a specific case of a woman being raped when there no witnesses, actual or potential, the rapist is still put to death.

Could you say how this general principle about two witnesses is actually understood by yourself and other rabbis, and if there is any difference of opinion about this principle among other rabbis that you know of? Is there any rabbinical school of thought that agrees with the Witnesses in this? I have been told that my understanding of Deuteronomy 22:23-27 is not what the passage teaches, but only what I wish it taught. Would you agree that I am indulging in wishful thinking?

Thank you for your time, and for inviting questions as you do.

God bless you,

Robert Frazier

A: With The Help Of Heaven

Jul 7

Dear Robert,

In any case where the law puts a person to death, two witnesses are inescapably required. The example in Deut. would require two witnesses who were not in a position to save her such as the rapist being much stronger or otherwise intimidating, scaring the witnesses into not reescuing the woman. Bottom line, there are always two witnesses if a case is brought.

Sincerely,

Rabbi Forsythe

[the following is a continuation of above correspondence]

Thank you for your reply. I would like a little clarification on one point, though. You wrote: "If she was not willing, or were she raped in an isolated place where no no one could have saved her, she has no sin. Two witnesses are required for prosecution in Jewish law. . ." My understanding is, if this happened in an isolated place and no one could have saved her, then no one could have witnessed it, either. Yet even then, the text says that the man can be put to death, presumably after a trial or investigation of some sort. Is this an exception to the general principle about having two witnesses?

Robert Frazier

A: With The Help Of Heaven

Jul 7

Dear Robert,

In any case where the law puts a person to death, two witnesses are inescapably required. The example in Deut. would require two witnesses who were not in a position to save her such as the rapist being much stronger or otherwise intimidating, scaring the witnesses into not reescuing the woman. Bottom line, there are always two witnesses if a case is brought.

Sincerely,

Rabbi Forsythe

-------------------------

A: BS"D

July 5

Is he committed to learning and growing? Find out if he truly is. If Yes, be supportive and let him know that your continuation of the relatiosnhip is conditional. Make it clear that you only want a fellow who is committed to learning & growing. If he cannot demonstrate that he is up to developing his potential, you have to break up. If you can be trusting and secure that he will blossom, then offer to be supportive and work with him. Look for any signs whether he is for real or not such as having a rabbi for shaalas and for determining a course of study, does he have regular learning or shiurim times throughout the week? Does he work on his midos?

Good shabos,

Rabbi Forsythe

[the following is a continuation of above correspondence]

Thank you so much for getting back to me so quickly. Your advice really helped me. He is a growth oriented person and in only one year we both have grown so much together Baruch Hashem, but do you think it is smart at this point to take a break for a little bit and then to come back and see how much we both have grown on our own? To make sure that we arent just doing what we are doing for eachother and that we are doing it for ourselves and our love of Torah and mitzvos?

He does have a set time everyday for learning with his chavrusah but its only for about 2 hours. I personally feel like he could do more than that and we have spoken about it and he said he wants to grow and learn more but its difficult for him and i said its not meant to be easy, its something that you ahve to sacrifice some things for like going out and just relaxing and im not telling him to learn all day just more than 2 hours. But he is constantly working on his midos and i know he will grow so much. But i was just wondering what you thought about the break if it is necessary or not to evaluate the relationship so as not to see things subjectively. Although my Rabbeim have told me that when you are shomer you see things objectively, i have yet to see anything objectively which is why i feel that a break might be necessary.

Thank you so much for your time.

A: BS"D

Jul 7

It sounds like you are taking the place of the boy's rov and are too concerned with too much. If You want time off, let it be to introspect yourself and see if you are trying too hard to be controlling or to fit a boy into a mold that was pushed into your mind by others. I am hearing no evidence that a healthy relationship is the basis for your involvement with each other. It is not your place to determine how many hours a week he studies. If you want to be encouraging and supportive, that is great. But to determine what his learning and Yiddishkeit are - down to the last detail - is a sign that if anyone who did not conform to your demands married you, you would have major trouble much of the time. If you take time off, let it be for your own reasons and introspection, independent of considerations about him. My guess is that whether you continue as you are or take time out, you stand to eventually damage your relationship with this boy. The lack of objectivity is probably yours.

Wishing you the best,

Rabbi Forsythe

[same writer again]

Thank you so much .

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Please could you give me advice regarding my father who is in a severe depression, on how to deal with him.He paces up and down all the time.Whatever you say to him he negates.You can't reason with him.He's in his own world.I try to mention positive aspects of himself and the mitzvos that he has done but to no avail.He is seeing a top psychiatrist.

A: BS"D

July 12

There is little one can do for another who refuses to accept help. Just be as supportive as you can and keep him going to the psychiatrist. Could you call the psychiatrist to tell him what your father is like at home, perhaps he will adjust your father's medications.

Wishing you the best,

Rabbi Forsythe

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A: BS"D

July 12

Dear Yitzchak,

The basic rule is that the closer to Sinai the higher the level so Chumash is first, then Naviyim, then Kesuvim, then Tannayim, Then Amorayim, then Saborayim, then Rishonim, then Acharonim, then contemporary. For example you must put Novie on top of a Gemora, a Mishna on top of a Gemora, a Chumash or Rishon on top of a Shulchan Aruch. Midrashim are tricky because some come from Tanayim and some from Amorayim, so you have to check. A Siddur goes right after a Chumash and before Naviyim because it contains Shema (which is right from the Torah).

Good Shabos,

Rabbi Forsythe

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I am a 23 year old female. I am a baal teshuva for about a year now. Before I became observant I was not ignorant about the religion. I just grew up in a home that was traditional but not observant. I received a very good Torah education growing up at a modern orthodox yeshivah. I didn't become totally observant all at once it was slow.

Last year when I tried to incorporate all the laws at first I was pretty strict about what I did, like with tv and dress, but then I became a bit more lax. Mostly because of my surroundings. My family is traditional but not frum and my friends are very modern.

I am dating someone for almost 3 months. He comes from a very frum family. He is Litvish Yeshivish. We actually met online. He is 29. He said he was sick of the shidduch scene. I asked him about hashkafa online. I asked if he would have a problem going to a movie. He said he would go if his wife wanted to.

When we started dating at first we were just establishing we liked each other. We didn't really discuss many hashkafa issues because we assumed we were more or less the same. I knew he was more strict in a certain sense and many things I am willing to do(like covering elbows, wearing tights with skirts). But I thought he was more lenient and wouldn't have problems about certain issues(like my friends). I said I want to be more strict about certain things and I want a more torah way of life, so he assumed I wouldn't mind entering the Yeshivish world(although he says he's not Yeshivish). Unfortunatly, we did a lot of assuming and now we are surprised and hurting.

So after we established that we like each other. We started talking about frumkeit issues.

The major issue we have is my friends. We never discussed this before because I never thought this would be a problem. He says that he is not too comfortable hanging out with my friends because one of them doesn't wear a kippa. Or when we have kids he doesn't really want our kids hanging with theirs because they might be wearing pants or going to movies (our kids do not have to go if we raise them not to) etc... I believe that its true one may not wear kippa or his wife may wear sleeveless shirts, but they are really good and down to earth people. He said there has to be some "distancing". (He is not controlling, he tries to be understanding.) He says there is a certain lifestyle he wants and there is a certain way he was raised. I don't know what to do. I know my friends. They are good. They keep Shabbos and kosher, and even if they didn't, they have been there for me. My friends and I are very loyal to each other. I can't distance myself from friends or family. Being with

less religous people is not going to take away my spirituality (which I have to work on still and always) or my wanting to be more observant.

I told him I believe Hashem put me in a non-religious home so that I can maybe be an influence on people, and if I can't influence at least I shouldn't judge people who are different.

What would entering his world mean? It feels like its going to be so hard meshing our worlds.

Will I be "talked" about if I am seen with someone wearing pants (sister, cousin, mother)? Will my kids be kicked out of their schools for the same thing? I do not want that. And I told him that. I was not happy with my community(which is not frum) because everything is about appearances with them too. And I broke away from that as much as I could. I don't want to think always about appearances unless I am commiting a real crime. And in a way I believe this is how all communities are, but I don't want to go back to the "dark ages" of my community but this time living in his. He is not so happy with his community but he can't break away completely (which I understand and would not expect).

Last night I told him I can not promise or am willing to think about distancing myself from people who are important to me. It's not fair to me nor is that something I would ever ask of him or of anyone else. I said sometimes I wish he were more modern so things wouldn't be so hard for us.

I dont want disagreements and resentment if we were to be married everytime I suggest going to a movie or to a friends house. Which I feel is exactly what would happen.

We obviously have different views in how to lead a religous life. He says I can't have best of both worlds and I said I believe I can if I were part of modern orthodox community.

What should I do? Can this be resolved? Should I leave him? That would be really hard for me to do, but I don't always want problems if we are to be married.

He and I get along great. He is really sweet and good and cares about his midot. He doesn't have a temper. Sometimes we are just so in sync with our feelings and thoughts, it's scary. Sometimes I feel in my heart he is the one for me, and together we can achieve our spiritual goals together and be best friends. How should we handle this? Can things be compromised?

Thank you.

A: BS"D

First and foremost you CANNOT ask him to come down in his religious standards or level, you must go up to his. You must respect and obey the will of your husband once married. You should not have male friends. You must take on his ways in Yiddishkeit if you marry him. You may only bring FEMALES INTO YOUR HOME if you want to raise them spiritually, you must not go to them (or movies or other places in "their world").

Rabbi Forsythe

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My son is getting married soon and I would love to say a few lines to both of them on their wedding day.

I have found a suitable passage for the wife to be " A woman of worth who can find her For she is more precious than rubies. '

but I'm looking for a suitable and similar passage for my son.

If you have any ideas it would certainly be appreciated.

Thank you in anticipation.

A: With the help of Heaven

July 19

Talk about his virtues, especially those which would be appreciated by a wife. Where you can, tie them to the parsha or other source. You might look through my website for ideas on that.

With best wishes,

Rabbi Forsythe

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I am a baal tshuva. This is a recent decision for me; I am 25 years old and single.

Amongst my numerous discoveries pertaining to my Jewish roots and identity, I have learned that I am a "cohen" or kohain. Additionally, I have learned that I am only permitted to marry certain types of women, according to the Torah. I am aware that the Torah lists things as they pertain to women (i.e. they may not be divorced or a convert). I am wondering if it is stated anywhere, whether it be in the Torah itself or in any other books or opinions, that make a kohain "invalid" if he himself has committed certain acts.

I am fully aware that I am no angel, and i have had very little identity as a Jew until very recently (the past few months). Aside from the obvious not keeping kosher or the shabbat, I experimented sexually a few years ago. I hope that this is not too explicit, but I do not know of any other way to put it. And, I know that certain sexual acts by women can disqualify them to a cohen, so I would think, logically speaking, that a kohain himself can also lose this privilege if he commits certain acts.

So, am I still a kohain? What about if a female did certain things in her past, and did not know right from wrong until she became a baal teshuva? Would I be able to marry her?

Thank you for your time. I hope that you have an easy and meaningful fast.

A: With the help of Heaven

July 19

If you were born a valid Kohain, you remain the same. If a woman is (or became) disqualified, she cannot revert, she is disqualified forever and not knowing better does not help her. If either a man or woman does wrong, each must do a complete tshuva on the act, but a woman's tshuva, to be clear, has nothing to do with her disqualification, which remains with her for life.

With best wishes,

Rabbi Forsythe

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Thanks

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July 19

Dear Rosemary,

You will probably fail if you directly demand he stop working. Establish with his doctors a medically sound measure of work and stress per day, then target those medically established measures as the level of work that you will agree to. It is not likely he will retire while he still has the energy and capacity to work. Try to emphasize or develope other pastimes - do you have grandchildren you can visit more, does he have any hobbies or interests? I know one workaholic who became interested in tennis and studying the Civil War (historical books & tapes, etc.), which help to ween him away from work in his late sixties. Your husband's work probably has some psychological significance that even he may not be aware of but which will drive him strongly, so don't come at him strongly because you will probably get no more than a battle for you efforts. Establish medical crriteria and then work him down in gradual baby steps.

Wishing you success,