Torah & Psychology
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ENTIRE CONTENTS BY RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE Counseling For Individuals & Couples Lecture & Series Formats Include:
Rabbi Forsythe can be contacted with serious inquiries about his professional services by e-mail through this site or by writing to Rabbi Forsythe c/o Jewish Press, 338 Third Avenue, Brooklyn NY, 11215, USA.
------------------------ Copyright 2002 by Rabbi Jeff Forsythe. Limited permission is granted to print out on paper or to electronically send any of these materials IF due credit is given to Rabbi Forsythe AND IF it is EXCLUSIVELY for: 1. SINGLE-COPY NON-COMMERCIAL PRIVATE USE, or 2. use in consideration of hiring Rabbi Forsythe for any of his professional services, or 3. inclusion in a review in a publication which reviews the material strictly according to Torah-observant Judaism. Otherwise, these materials may not be copied or used in any way without express advance permission from, nor without due credit given to, Rabbi Forsythe.
------------------------ CONTENTS AT A GLANCE
SOME BACKGROUND FOR DEALING WITH THE "RELATIONSHIP DILEMMA" THE THREE LEVELS IN PSYCHOLOGICAL TERMS THE SECOND TRILOGY OF THE PERSONALITY MATRIX DISTORTIONS IN ONE'S PERCEPTIONS OF LIFE THE THIRD TRILOGY OF THE PERSONALITY MATRIX NEUROTIC BEHAVIOR STEMMING FROM BURIED UNMANAGEABLE EMOTIONS PSYCHOLOGICAL MANIFESTATIONS IN DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIPS MEASURES OF PSYCHOLOGICAL HEALTH AND "REACH-ABILITY" PERSONALITY AND RELATIONSHIP DAMAGE, PART ONE - THE WELLSPRING OF HUMAN DEPTH PERSONALITY AND RELATIONSHIP DAMAGE, PART TWO - THE MORE INTELLIGENT, THE MORE PAIN PERSONALITY AND RELATIONSHIP DAMAGE, PART FOUR - TURNING THE "LEMONS INTO LEMONADE"
[This site consists of excerpts selected from two lengthy treatises originally written relating to 1. frum singles who have psychological difficulties in finding a marriage partner and 2. frum married couples who have dysfunction and damage to their relationship due to serious psychological issues. The reader can understand the principles contained here in general or in any other applicable context also.] ------------------------
* And you will love ESS G-d with all your LAIV, NEFESH AND MI'ODE [Devarim 6:5]. * And you will love LI your fellow Jew KIMOCHA/AS YOURSELF [Vayikra 19:18]. * Rabbi Broka Hoza'a was often in the market at Bai Lepat where Eliyahu HaNovie spoke to him. Each day, he asked Eliyahu, "Is there anyone here who has olam haba (the eternal world)?" to which Eliyahu's reply repeatedly was, "No." One day, Eliyahu said, "Those two." Rabbi Broka excitedly asked them, "What [special thing] do you do?" They answered, "We're comedians. We cheer up depressed people..." [Talmud Taanis 22a]. Comedians. Happy people who make [other] people happy [Rashi]. * An apikorus saw Rava learning with such deep concentration that he cut his finger and bled without noticing. [Referring to "naaseh vinishma - we will accept the Torah and then understand it," the apikorus said] "You impetuous nation. Your mouths [at Mount Sinai] preceded your ears and you do so still now. First you should listen and only if you can do the thing, accept [Torah]." Rava answered, "Of we who go in pureheartedness it is written [Mishlay 11:3] 'The pureheartedness of the righteous will guide them'" [Talmud Shabos 88a-b]. Who go in pureheartedness. We go with G-d with a perfect heart the same way as those who act from love, and we rely on Him that He will not steer us wrong with a thing which we cannot withstand [Rashi]. * All who delegitimatize [another person, and who refrain from seeing favorable merits in the other] DELEGITIMATIZE [IN THE OTHER PERSON] THE TRAIT WHICH IS ACTUALLY HIS OWN BLEMISH [Kidushin 70a]. * We were, in our own eyes, like grasshoppers, and thus were we in their eyes [Bamidbar 13:33]. We were the SAME IN THE FACE OF OUR PERSONALITIES, which was like grasshoppers, and, which like them, we were the SAME IN THE FACE OF THEIR PERSONALITIES [Targum Yonoson]. * And G-d created man in his image, in the image of G-d He created man [Beraishis 1:27]. * And you will not seek after your HEARTS and after your EYES that you GO ASTRAY AFTER THEM [Bamidbar 15:39]. * Just as water reflects a face, so the heart of a person replies to a heart [Mishlai 27:19]. "I would never join any club that would have me as a member [Groucho Marx, lehavdel]. ------------------------------------
SOME BACKGROUND FOR DEALING WITH THE "RELATIONSHIP DILEMMA" One out of three American Jews of marriageable age is single. For the Jewish people and its continuity, this is a crisis (one to which I dedicate much of my work life). Since '77, I have been exploring and researching why there are so many singles, so many destructive or failed relationships, so many divorces, and so many emotionally injured children nowadays. There are numerous kinds of issues, factors and problems. At the risk of seeming to get off the point for just a moment, and to answer a question in which people are often interested, I'll cite several causes of the singles situation and some results from interviews that I've conducted over seventeen years. Among contributing causes to the singles issue are: hishtadlus (practical effort) that is "off-target" (e.g. using shadchanim who don't understand the single, inability to accurately describe oneself or what one needs, going to singles events with shallow approaches or activities that inadequately promote sensible or purposeful meeting, not dating often enough or seriously enough, etc.), not presenting oneself to attractive advantage, insufficient defining of life goals or mission (how can you ask someone to share a life that you haven't defined, how can someone assess if you're both going down the same road when you can't say what road you're on?), insufficient relating or communicating skills, shyness, immaturity, insufficient religious development or definition, being too spoiled or selfish to allow for the well-being or happiness of another person or to get along steadily with another person, too much ego, bad or unattractive midos (character traits; such as arrogance, anger, stubbornness, cruelty, brazenness, laziness, jealousy, stinginess, inadequate self-control, impatience, rigidity, etc.), and the unknowable and infinite "Hand of Heaven" (G-d gradually preparing circumstances AND the couple for the man and woman to come together at the right and ready time). When I've done interviews and surveys about the singles and divorce problems, typical and more or less recurring causes are cited. Rabbis tend to say: bad midos, outsiders (most often parents) meddling in relationships, failure to respect, or pursuit of externals (such as money, looks or family). Marriage veterans tend to say: immaturity, selfishness, wanting too much too easily, inflexibility, not wanting to work on the relationship or to please the partner. Shadchanim tend to say: too picky, unrealistic expectations. The factors are numerous, the questions complex. In my years of experience in counseling, I've seen that a key factor in blocking the finding, choosing, developing and maintaining of a healthy, viable, satisfying and durable relationship often is SELF-IMAGE and the related or resultant emotional, personality, behavioral and/or judgement problems that are packaged with self-image problems. Self-image and related psychological issues very often play a significant role - sometimes in combination with other factors such as those cited just above - and can have major impact on personality, relating, attitudes, motives, functioning in and adjusting to life, a person's approach to the world, how a person produces situations, how he responds to situations and/or how he perpetuates situations - all for better or worse. Every individual is a world with layers upon layers of breadth and depth, emotions and perceptions, strengths and weaknesses, talents and aversions, all of these with varying levels of mildness or intensity, all with mind-boggling complexity and diversity. This "Torah Psychology" or "Kosher Synthesis" is intended to provide conceptual and practical means for addressing the psychological and social problems of life, in Torah-sanctioned ways. Very often, the self-image condition within comes out when people have practical difficulties adjusting in life; difficulties in dealing with life, relationships and responsibilities; when having pains, troubles or personality problems. These things all relate to emotional, personality, behavioral and judgement problems that all relate to self-image. Self-image effects the way the person sees, approaches and responds to the world; and produces or perpetuates their situations. Self-image is a major factor in how one functions in life, and a major factor in defining one's true inner life. An Israeli Rav, who is both a rosh yeshiva and a psychologist, once told me, "90% of psychology is shekker [falsity], but we need the 10% that helps." This is my view, in a nutshell, of secular psychology - which in my work, I need to know. Part of my personal Torah learning is to obtain "psychology" (lehavdel) from Torah sources. Since "hakol ba (everything is in the Torah, Pirkei Avos, chapter 5)," I find (blee ayin hora) plenty of teachings about "psychology" (human nature, personality, motivations, emotions, etc.) in Biblical verses, Chazal, meforshim, mussar, haskafa, halacha (e.g. laws of mourning, vowing during business negotiation and checking witnesses contain profound human nature insights), and the methodology for p'sak (decision-making) in shaalos (Jewish law questions) with a "human element" (e.g. a shaalo on how to act with a difficult person, or in a complex or sensitive interpersonal situation). Some of the sources for a Torah construct on personality and self-image are cited above, at the end of which I've quoted the famous statement by comedian Groucho Marx (lehavdel) which poignantly shows how simply self-defeating self-image trouble truly is. Secular psychology often times contains elements that violate the Torah. It's concepts, methodologies, philosophies, views of the human being, tools, values, attitudes about morality (or absence of it), study of animal behavior for application to people and their behavior, for example, are often unacceptable to the Torah. A human has "mazel" [destiny decreed by Heaven, which can be changed by prayer or by changes in one's merits; Chulin 42b, Tosfos] and a neshomo [G-dly soul, Genesis 2:7]. An animal has no mazel nor neshomo so learning from an animal for application to a human being is not realistic, reliable or permissible [except to learn good traits, such as learning from the hard-working ant not to be lazy; Proverbs 6:6; and one can use "behavior modification" to improve midos (character traits) and self-discipline, Rabbi Yisroel Salanter]. Every individual is a world, with layers and layers, with breadth and depth, emotions and perceptions, strengths and weaknesses - all such factors being of numerous degrees of mildness or intensity and showing up in each individual in combinations of mind-boggling complexity and diversity. Do not hear any generalizations nor oversimplifications that mean easy or pat answers, nor any simplistic "buzzwords" that allege to solve complex quandaries. What follows is a distilling of some of the learning that I've done in Torah and in psychology (contextualized into the Torah framework), and work experience (counseling, workshops, matchmaking, etc.) for nearly two decades, in dealing with real live people, so as to bring to light some "targets" for people to aim at, as our generation strives to retire more singles from singlehood, to overcome widespread marital troubles, to deal with stress, inner struggles and all social and psychological problems facing us - all in ways that will be effective, lasting, kosher and healthy. To briefly summarize some of the key elements of my "Torah psychology," I will cite sources (by and large, several key sources are above at the beginning of this chapter) and give a personality or psychology "pairush (Torah commentary)." Please note that there is much more, but it can't all fit here. Then, I will briefly cite how these come together to form something of a basic description of personality. Then, I will bring some of the common, practical, down-to-earth psychological problems and patterns that effect personalities, perception, judgement, responses and relationships, and then I will cite some of the nut-and-bolt underlying personality disorders (underneath the facades that people show to the public) that produce problems and patterns that block or destroy life-functioning and relationships. Rabbi Akiva [Yerushalmi, Nedarim] describes the mitzva to love every Jew as oneself as the greatest principle in the Torah. When dealing with people, this has to be kept at the forefront of your mind - with no permission to be disparaging, contemptuous or judgmental towards people with "problems." We must conduct ourselves towards people with kovod habrios (human dignity) and derech eretz (polite, thoughtful, civil behavior). Further, the extent to which one is or is not kindhearted and respectful to others measure the true relator in one - whether in marriage, dating, counseling, matchmaking, business or any role in life. The Torah obligates benefit of doubt and righteous judgement of people [Devarim 16:20, Pirkei Avos chapter one]. You would never think of condemning someone in the hospital who had a bad fall or was hit by a truck. The person in the hospital can't do all the things that a healthy person can, but we don't call the patient a bad person. Similarly, if a person had a "fall" or an "injury" from parental abuse or neglect, rejection, emotional trauma or injury, stress, disappointment or rejection; there is no "hetter" (license, permission) to be judgmental or condescending or disparaging here either, even if the person can't do all the things an emotionally healthy person can do. Some people, such as matchmakers, are arrogant, judgmental and condescending to singles who can't find a mate, for example. The person's behavior is rooted in fright, emotional hurt or insecurity. We must approach people with understanding. There is a bigger picture and context for the person's situation, behavior and life. Also, as a top-level principle, is that the person is created in G-d's image and is imbued with infinite spiritual worth, and is not to be regarded or treated like a laboratory rat. The Torah Jew's concept of psychological therapy makes the process of therapy a means and the person's well-being is the end; the process is "tofell" (subordinate) and the person is "ikur" (priority, most important and essential). The approach and attitude towards every Jewish person must be characterized by love, respect, patience, humility, chesed, rachamim, concern, derech eretz, spiritual values, benefit of doubt and, where possible, a sincere offer of practical help.
There is definite Torah substantiation for the legitimate, helpful, constructive aspect of the process of therapy. We, of course, continually keep at the forefront of the mind, attitude and actions, the rigorous demands and standards of Torah. We separate out all material which is not consistent with Torah. I'll furnish some sources which establish "psychology" as a facet of life and the human condition. In Proverbs 12:25, the wise Shlomo HaMelech tells us, "daaga bilaiv ish yash'chena vidovor tov yisamchena." A plain translation would be, "Worry [or, rendered by Rashi: fear - either worry or fear being root causes for many psychological disorders] in a person's heart will tear him down and a good word will cheer him." The Talmud (Yoma 75a) and Rashi on 1. the verse in Mishlay and 2. the Talmud in Yoma, which studies this verse, expand the meaning for us. Written Hebrew consists of letters. There are also secondary pronunciation markings used 1. as vowels and 2. to differentiate sounds in consonants which have multiple pronunciations. Officially, Hebrew is written only with the main letters and without the secondary pronunciation markings. A letter in the Bible, which could have two possible meanings, would be written without the dot that differentiates one pronunciation from the other. The educated reader would know in context which letter and vowels were meant. There is a profound message derived by the Talmud from studying an alternative reading of Proverbs 12:25 (cited just above). The "sh" and "s" in Hebrew are written with the same letter. The Talmud utilizes the grammatical potential to read a word according to two possible pronunciations and turns the SH into S, and changes vowels, so that the reading could be switched from the word "yaSH'chena (will tear him down)" to the word "yaSichena (let him speak out/discuss)." Then, consistent with the new context, the Talmud adds the word, "le'achairim [with others]." With the Talmud's reading [yasichena le'achairim], the verse would mean to say, "Let the person with worry or fear in his heart speak it out to others." Rashi [on the Talmud] adds that this permits the person to obtain advice and [adding on the verse in Proverbs] that in talking it out to the other person, the other's "good word" will give comfort and happiness in the matter of concern. The way the therapist (or caring friend) deals with the individual can have major effect on the results. There have to be empathy, rapport, respect, communication, concern, supportiveness, sincerity and warmth. As Shlomo HaMelech (Proverbs 27:19) tells us, "As water reflects a face, the individual's heart will reply to another person's heart." S'fas Emmess says that panim - face - is the same root as pnimi - internal, so the face is a window to the inner personality. Sometimes a thing which is a person is complaining or carrying on about is what is called, in psychology, the "presenting problem," which is covering an underlying issue which is really what is bothering the person. For example, a single claims relating partners are nasty (presenting problem). The person suffered child abuse or witnessed marital disharmony between his parents as a child. The single is terrified of commitment owing to emotional pain and neglect from childhood (underlying cause). The single keeps people away with unappealing behaviors or habits. One more example. A spouse is angry or hostile towards you (presenting problem). His boss or customer at work has been abusively been taking out some business losses on your spouse for several months. Today there was some major abuse and your partner's patience and tolerance wore out. He doesn't come from a very communicative family and he is somewhat insecure due to lack of nurturance as a child (underlying cause). It is too difficult for him to risk his job by being expressive or assertive at work. So, he takes his trouble out on his wife by being tyrannical or intensely upset. So psychologically, we separate a presenting problem from the underlying cause, and the person from the underlying and true issue. When necessary, we must take practical steps to address the issue or to protect from damage. But, we never drop our standards with the person. The Torah Jew is basically soft, caring and understanding - and this must be demonstrated whenever dealing with a person who is frightened, insecure, burdened or in pain. In the laws of comforting mourners, the visitor may not say anything to the mourner, but may only reply once the mourner initiates conversation, as is learned from Joeb 2:13, "No one said a word to him because they saw that his pain was enormous," and then it says (2:14), "After this, Joeb opened his mouth...[and spoke through the remainder of chapter two and to the end of chapter 3]. Then [4:1] after Joeb finished talking, it says, "Then answered Eliphaz..." [Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh Dayah 376:1 & Kitzur 207:1]. One who is suffering speaks and then, only when finished, the other(s) will respond. This teaches that a person in severe pain (which is typical of those with psychological troubles) have to be open, receptive, thoughtful and participative in the therapy process. A person with psychological issues is often in severe pain, even though the underlying emotions may be buried in the subconscious with rigid layers of defense, evasion or denial. These emotions can be miserable, intense and overwhelming. If buried deep down, and covered beneath the surface level of conscious awareness, these emotions surface as neurotic, confrontational or otherwise unhelpful, dysfunctional, isolating and/or unpleasant behaviors. The therapy process can bring such buried emotions - pain, anger, fear, etc. - to the surface. Although uncovering these emotions can be disruptive, dealing with them with courage and follow-through can bring to resolution and healing. From both the vantage points of kavod habrios (human dignity) and practical human-nature reality, you don't second-guess what you think the other should hear you say, you don't make presumptions and you don't "dump" your help or ideas upon the individual. Don't open a conversation with your foregone conclusions. You must be open to and receptive to the feelings and inner reality of the person who you are striving to help; so as to provide emotional support, comfort and healing. Dealing effectively with people who have worries, fears, pain, depression, anger, bitterness, insecurities, stress and other emotional issues requires skill, tact, empathy and discretion. This includes knowing when to listen instead of speak, to soften or toughen your approach, to pull back, to ask questions instead of making statements, to change direction or to remove yourself from the job. "Do not fear the terror of night nor the arrow that flies by day" [Tehillim 91:5]. Note that the verse tells us of a clear, specific cause of terror during the day [the arrow], by why does it only refer to a general, vague, undefined terror of night? When one is in the dark, one cannot see. When something is attacking you, if there is light, if you can see, there isn't nearly as much terror, because you can identify your enemy, who he is, where he is coming from, what weapons he is attacking you with, how to fight back, where to aim, what weapons and defenses to respond with, and how to win. In the dark, hidden or guerilla forces can be coming at you from anywhere, with any weapons, surprising and hitting you at any time. This is much more terrifying, upsetting and confusing. This is the terror of the "fear of the unknown" - an overwhelming anxiety and nervewracking sense of danger, lack of control and absence of security. And, this is the model for psychology of the unconscious or subconscious mind. When a person is confronted with the effects of buried, powerful emotions (attacking "enemies"), he cannot see the "arrow of day" (i.e. a defined, tangible, identifiable cause of trouble). There is only the unseeable terror of night; manifestations of deeply buried pain, fright, fury, depression, loneliness, tension, anxiety, sense of worthlessness, expectation of rejection or abuse, or any number of forceful emotions and protective mechanisms. The person doesn't conceive of responding to life in what we consider to be a rational or effective manner - at least in those aspects of life with which his troubles are mentally and emotionally associated. The person is driven by the "terror of night," that dark, vague, unreachable, unseeable, undefinable force that overrules conscious decision-making, judgement-based thought or behavior. Until the person finds, sheds ample light on, identifies and conquers this hidden, powerful, unknown, unseen "enemy," there is but a vague, overwhelmingly powerful escape-seeking-terror caused by stimuli in life which evoke internal defensive response mechanisms. This is born of ongoing expectation of terrifying attack from the unknown and frightening enemy, and hopelessness against this enemy. This "psychological enemy" is presumed to be in a position to strike at any and every moment (at least in areas of life with which the enemy is mentally and emotionally associated), especially when the person feels vulnerable or puts his or her guard down. The therapeutic process, slowly winding its way into the night of the subconscious, is the effort: * to introduce light, clarity, identification and exposure of the powerful, hidden forces, over which the individual has no or limited control and of which he has no or vague awareness, or he lacks the ability to adequately act on the basis of his awareness; and * to furnish effective strategy and methodology for conquering the enemy and "taking its territory." When these issues occur in areas of life in which the individual needs to function but is blocked from being able to fully function, due to the underlying wound/enemy, then that aspect of the person's life is blocked or sabotaged, is diminished in quality and quantity, and is "undercut." In the law of mourning in which the mourner has to tear his garment, we see a source for the expressing of grievous emotion. This can serve as a basis for an entire genre of psychology, a bit more esoteric than talk-therapy - and less well-known - called "expressive therapy." This is a means of recapturing and redeveloping the ability to express injured, buried, neglected, crushed, denied, atrophied or traumatized emotions; emotions that are normal to have and which are necessary for full, healthy, functioning life. The damage to the faculties of expression come, generally, from emotional abuse, injury, trauma and/or neglect, most typically at a young age. A healthy person has to, for example, be able to assert or defend oneself from unfairness or mistreatment, or to express legitimate needs in a business or personal relationship in order for there to be a healthy exchange and interaction. If the person cannot protect himself from abuse or shortchange; cannot express emotions, feelings or needs; or if he does express himself in a way that is abusive, destructive or defensive; the capacity to interact and to relate is significantly damaged. The model for appropriate expression of intense, severe or legitimate feelings in the proper time, place, measure and context is the mourner's rending of his garment near his heart, the seat of feeling and motivations.
THE THREE LEVELS IN PSYCHOLOGICAL TERMS The model for the heart as the base of the person comes from the familiar verse [Devarim 6:5]: in SHMA YISROEL, in the commandment to love G-d with all one's laiv (heart), nefesh (personality) and mi'ode (externals & possessions - that which is outside of one's actual self). This teaches that the capacity to love requires a specific order of bringing to bear one's capacity to start in the heart, continue with the personality and, last, manifest with material property. Relating in a loving way necessarily starts with the heart, being from the inner depth, the essence of the person, which is that which is in his or her heart. The love is expressed through the "kochos hanefesh [personality, energies, talents, skills, use of emotions and of intellect). The love can be expressed, lastly, with possessions or characteristics that are owned by, yet outside of, the actual person, being represented by giving external, material, tangible objects AS EXPRESSIONS of the love in the heart and AS MANIFESTATIONS of the individual personality. This excludes substituting personality or externals for heart! A person who is truly in touch with his or her heart, will relate from the innermost essence at the heart level, wherein lies the essence: the midos tovos, values, qualities, virtues that form the root of a human being, and will identify who the person really is, and will relate to the heart in another person. A PERSON IDENTIFIES WITH AND RELATES TO AS DEEP A PLACE IN OTHER PEOPLE AS IN ONESELF. Basically, psychologically troubled or undeveloped people are somewhat, or sometimes, significantly blocked off from their deepest true self. In relating terms, this means that one will relate only to that level in another that one relates to in oneself. When it may appear otherwise, it is because one is relating to PSYCHOLOGICAL ASSOCIATION, not an authentic intrinsic depth-level of the other person. One ultimately relates to the level in another that one is connected to in oneself. In my counseling experience with singles and couples, I have repeatedly seen that one is attracted to people who are blocked at about the same place at which (s)he is blocked, or whose psychological condition suits the psychological condition created by where the person is blocked. This is most bluntly seen when the relationship evidences * differences or arguments, * life pressures, * abusive, cruel, punitive, unstable, unreliable and/or explosive traits coming out after the relationship grows secure, * conflicts between 1. emotional neediness or damage within the personality, immaturity or selfish interest versus 2. responsibility to the other person or to the relationship, * emotional and/or compulsive dependency upon the relationship, * "subjectively justified" criticism, malcontent, complaint or fault-finding against the other person, * nasty and intense termination (and may include breaking up many times), * taking one's problems out on the other person, etc. Relating is a heart-to-heart connection. When hearts are accessible, you have good relationships. When one is in touch with one's own heart, one, therefore, * values, * is attracted and drawn to, * relates to and * gets along well with the heart level and qualities in another person. The heart (e.g. good midos and attitudes, values, loving behavior, human virtues) provides the "terms" of relating and the "basis of exchange." For a person who is not fully in touch with his or her heart-level-essence, the finding of a heart-to-heart connection is blocked. A "nefesh person" comes "up a level" from the essence-depth to relate in terms of one skills, abilities, career, talents, use of intellect or drive - the person still misses the inner depth of heart - in connecting with oneself and others. The focus and priorities gravitate to what a person does (nefesh level) rather than what a person is (laiv level); from what a person produces or offers (blocked laiv) rather than what human qualities (active and accessible laiv) we can share, adore and exchange. What will be noteworthy, attractive or impressive will be nefesh-level attributes such as artistic talent or brilliance, business acumen, professional accomplishment, and the like. The attitude from the nefesh level (and moreso the mi'ode) towards heart-level matters can tend towards being judgmental, rejecting, dissatisfied, critical and condescending. The more that the connection to the heart is damaged, the more the person deals and evaluates in terms of externals. The heart is prompted by and attracted to things that relate to the level at which the person is blocked. If a person wants a spouse who is talented, for example, the block is in the nefesh level. If a person is excited by mi'ode, even the nefesh is injured and the person's functioning and relating are external, material and conditional. Heart relating is most unconditional and solid. Nefesh is semi-conditional and potentially bumpy, with concepts of the laiv somewhat foreign (at least in practical application - anyone can intellectualize). Those with the most seriously damaged or undeveloped connection to the heart deal in externals. What matters is money, looks, family, status, house, car, clothes. Mi'ode is "teluya bedovor" - the most conditional, rocky and tenuous. "Essence person" and concepts of the laiv can be so far removed that it seems abstract, idealistic, impractical, corny, worthy of disparagement or down-playing, only for rare saintly people (even if the person is capable of lip-service or buzzwords about heart qualities or their importance). Laiv is "not being realistic." The transfer from loving G-d with this personality construct to loving people is accomplished by an in-depth study of the difference between Torah's wording of the two mitzvos to love: "love ESS G-d" and "love LI your fellow Jew." In brief, "li" means the preposition "to" which instructs us to deliver active, concrete, meaningful manifestations of love to a "down to earth" flesh and blood human being; addressing in a real and targeted way: the needs, feelings, dignity, well-being and situation of the person, with consequences (din vicheshbon) for our choices, intentions and actions. What a person does should be manifestation of the good essence that he is. And, how one conducts interpersonal relating reflects on how one loves oneself. The mitzva to love your fellow Jew adds: love him "as yourself [kimocha]." When you can't love the other, something is missing in the ability to love across the board. The fact that one may indulge himself is no proof that he loves himself. The more people you are able to love, the better the working order of your function of loving.
THE SECOND TRILOGY OF THE PERSONALITY MATRIX To make our study of the heart more significant, we will look at a verse [Bamidbar 15:39], also in Shma Yisroel, "And you are not to seek after 1. your hearts and after 2. your eyes 3. that you go straying after them." This is a profound study in human motivation. The biases, motivations, yaitzer hatov (good impulses) vs. yaitzer hora (evil impulses) that rest in your heart are the primary causality of your choices, intentions and behavior. The heart "colors" your perceptions and you see things in accordance with what your heart wants. Ten of the twelve spies whom Moshe sent to look over the land of Canaan wanted to invalidate the land and decided before they embarked on their mission to explore the land, that the Jewish people should not go in. They made up their minds, constructed the evidence so as to accord with the pre-existing will and vested interest that was in their hearts and, then, saw the case for not entering the land. The heart was first, what they saw with their eyes (based on what the heart wanted them to see) came second, and third came action - going after their 1. hearts and 2. eyes and 3. straying erroneously and destructively in their free-will decision-making power and in their resulting practical action - in this case, to their doom. So, there are two trilogies that define personality and our construct of relating a) behavior and b) motivation: a) 1. heart, 2. personality and 3. externals and b) 1. heart, 2. eyes and 3. resulting actions.
DISTORTIONS IN ONE'S PERCEPTION OF LIFE The famed mussar classic, Michtav Mi'Eliyahu by Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler, discusses how prejudices, will and interests in the heart undo the objectivity, character and integrity necessary to do tshuva. In a related vein, we see that the effect of impure motivation and ethical "matter" in the heart is that it impacts behavior. We will extend the application from mussar to its "cousin (lehavdel)," psychology - the study of personality, behavior, emotions and the mind - as a foundation of managing life (which, when we add Torah goals, values, qualities, hashkofos and wisdom, is basically what mussar, lehavdel, is). The Rashi on the above Talmudic story, from tractate Taanis, of the two comedians, teaches that what you have in your heart is what you give to the heart of another person to whom you relate. To have a happy relationship, you first have to be happy in your heart, have happiness within yourself to give to someone else and to pour out on another's behalf, and be capable of actively making another's heart happy - with the drive to ongoingly and effectively do so. Relating is spiritual. The relator who achieves spiritual relationships is driven internally by positive factors. The relator who achieves troubled deficient relationships is driven by negative factors. Who you are attracted to, what you give to another person and appreciate from another person are ultimately products of what you are in your heart. Your true inner happiness defines your true state of life and your true inner state defines the relator in you. Some people want to marry to be happy. A RELATIONSHIP DOESN'T MAKE YOU HAPPY. YOUR HAPPINESS MAKES A RELATIONSHIP! Then, and only then, the relationship makes you happy. If you are not happy, a relationship will not make you happy. The INNER UNHAPPINESS PULLS EVERYBODY DOWN. By observing what the person is as a relator, what his attitudes and behaviors are, you can study and discern what the person truly is as a human being internally at the depth, in the heart. If a person's relationships are secure, stable, loving and enduring, that is an indication that the person internally is sound, happy, healthy and functional. If, for example, the person is sincerely and consistently respectful, honest, humble, generous, appreciative, pleasant, peaceful and responsible is dealings with other people, the person is psychologically and spiritually sound. The Rashi on the above story, from tractate Shabos, about the Talmudic sage Rava's reply to the apikorus (heretic) teaches that true love is that which makes the one you love secure, trusting and reliant with your love. There is a parallel idea elsewhere in the Talmud, in Pirkei Avos: It was an act of love that G-d made us in His image; it was an act of "extra love" that G-d TOLD us TO MAKE US KNOW that He made us in His image. In other words, I can give you something, but if you don't know - or if you are not secure - that you have it, your having may be of no or incomplete use. For you to truly have my love, you have to know you have it; to be secure, trusting and reliant that you have it. Love for one's fellow Jew, remember, is "LI (directed and delivered to the reality of the receiving person)." Your love has to make the other happy and know that (s)he genuinely has your love.
THE THIRD TRILOGY OF THE PERSONALITY MATRIX The statement from tractate Kidushin about delegitimatizing and the subsequent Targum Yonoson go together. The first ("all who delegitimize do so in his own blemish") teaches that the way I perceive myself is how I perceive other people (parallel to what psychology calls "projection" - the mental process by which I attribute my characteristics to others and not to myself). Fault is a thing to hate, condemn, criticize and disassociate with but no one wants to hate, condemn, criticize or disassociate with him or herself. So, there is a tendency in human nature to associate one's faults with others, so the person can see himself as faultless, good, righteous, blameless, clean. The mind goes through elaborate subterfuge not to face the pain of accepting fault or the hard work one would have to undertake to work on the shortcoming or problem in an honest, courageous and effective manner. No one wants to admit fault, be wrong, be imperfect, be culpable, have blemish. It is painful to admit fault. By the mind projecting characteristics to another person, one is spared the pain, discomfort and incrimination that comes from facing the shortcoming in him/herself. Whenever someone says something is wrong about another, if:
look for that criticism (or something psychologically associated with it) to be present in the speaker him/herself, especially if there could be a reason why the individual would want to evade facing it within him/herself. If I don't want to see or admit a fault in myself, my mind evades blame or recognition of the blemish by throwing it onto and seeing it in others. In my mind, I get off scott-free and blemishless by making you the scape goat through this psychological subterfuge and scheme. Often, this is subconscious, with the person somewhat unaware of the projection of fault. The inner mind knows the traits that are in the person and attributes what is in the person's inner world to other people for both good and bad traits and dispositions. The person who strives to evade fault strives to "be perfect" and blame-proof in his mind. Elimination of blame or of recognizing the blemish can be achieved by making you the bad one (so I'm never guilty) or by discounting the fault universally (so no one, especially me, is guilty, and I'm too nice and wonderful to say you are blameworthy!). For example, if I don't like, trust, value or respect myself (for whatever reason), in order that I don't have to see these in myself or hurt on account of them in myself, my mind places these shortcomings upon you. This way, you're no-good, worthless or untrustworthy. In my counseling and workshop experience, I have found that the positive side of this is also true. If a person has a positive outlook or attitude or approach to people, the positives are probably found in the speaker's personality likewise. Another example relevant to relationship problems could come from my lack of self-respect, which I act out by disrespecting or abusing you, or not being attracted to a person who I could respect. I see myself as small and don't want the pain of seeing my beaten and wounded self-esteem, so I see others as small, which to my mind is "normal" or "reality." I am attracted to relating partners who feed into my emotional needs and offer me a sense of security (usually stemming from some significant unresolved childhood psychological deficiencies): e.g. people who I can "control" (so I don't feel my helplessness or fright), "rescue" (from their troubles and problems, to make myself feel important or valid), or psychologically browbeat (to take out anger on). In each case, I can convince myself that I have self-respect and my behavior is justified because, by "coincidence," I always get stuck with sub-standard relating partners, who are always totally the bad ones. Lacking self-respect, I presume all people to be worthless, small and not entitled to respect or to nice feelings. You are there to service my insecurities. Since, deep down, I know that I am "small," and don't want to face the pain of seeing it (it's miserably painful to be rejected, insignificant and too unimportant to be entitled to esteem, inner happiness and security), I treat others as small and worthless, since this is the way my mind defines "normal," while sparing myself from the pain of this "reality." This subterfuge spares me from direct confrontation with my beaten and wounded self-esteem. I will be attracted to people with personality weaknesses that feed into my particular needs, defenses and patterns. I will attract (depending on the precise dynamics in each case) people who need abuse, confrontation, power-plays, love-at-any-price, removal from their feelings and/or someone to rescue; someone whose personality needs my "package." This psychological mechanism (of attributing what is in my mind to others) can go for good, too. For example, if I have self-worth and a positive, secure disposition, and I see people as tzelem Elokim (the image of Hashem), I'll see you as worthy, good and valuable. Respect, positivism, generosity and pleasantness will come spontaneously when I relate to you; and I will value these qualities and be attracted to them in relating partners. Whereas the person with the wounded self-concept would relate to others' faults with hostility, condescension or antagonism; the healthy and positive person sees the good in people, gives benefit of doubt, smiles at people, behaves with decency and pleasantness, and is stunned by hostility and antagonism because these are evil and foreign to the way a healthy mind is "wired." Nasty faults break the rules about how reality is supposed to be. Healthy positives are the norm in the world. Extending this to the Targum Yonoson's rendering of the report of the spies on their return from Canaan, we see from the comparability of the spies view of their own personality and their view of the Canaanim's personality, that one's mental view of how one see's him/herself is the same as one's mental view of how others see him/her. The spies had the same small image of themselves as they had of the Canaanim's view of them: "I'm a grasshopper and everyone sees me as a grasshopper." Targum Yonoson, like all Talmudic/midrashic Torah, is from ruach hakodesh. The words are precise, instructive and significant. This is an extension of the Talmudic teaching above that my view of myself is my view of others, adding another dimension. From the Talmudic statement we learn that my view of myself equals my view of you. From the Targum Yonoson we learn that my view of myself equals my view of how you view me. Together, we learn that all three views 1. the way that I view myself, 2. the way that I view you and 3. the way that I view how you view me, are equal in the mind. In fact, in regards to any given trait, I view the whole world the same way. That bias, coloration, definition or perception is what my mind understands and knows about life itself, as to the trait or emotion in question. We would hope for a healthy, positive, well supported and nurtured view and foundation in the mind and personality, that the person can see life and live life in a good way.
THE EFFECT OF SELF-IMAGE ON CHOOSING, CONDUCTING AND SABOTAGING RELATIONSHIPS: A MAN-WOMAN DILEMMA AND A TORAH APPROACH King Solomon says, "Live happily with the wife that you love" (Ecclesiastes 9:9). Although tradition and commentaries explain the verse to mean this, the literal translation is: see life with the wife that you love. Why should King Solomon write a verse in the bible with the verb to see (re'ai) meaning the verb to live? Let us use the approach we have been studying just before: the way you SEE determines the way you live. If you are happy inside yourself, you will see living with your spouse happily. A person who sees himself as having value and qualities, as having what to offer, as being good will see the same in other people. This does not mean to say that the person will be arrogant, just healthy. When Moshe, the most humble man who will ever life, had to quell the rebellion by Korach, Moshe showed that he knew his worth and Korach's crime. Moshe stood up for G-d, not his ego. He made it clear that he never said a law as his own, only at G-d's instruction. In most of the Torah's account of Moshe, he is humble and compassionate. When he had to stand up for G-d, he knew to be strong. Moshe was neither held back by excessive or unhealthy self-deprecating humility. Nor was Moshe prodded by arrogance, excessive ego or any unhealthy drive to conquer Korach. Moshe basically knew people to be good and he loved them and took responsibility for them. That is a Jewish leader. When Korach proved objectively that he was a hopeless enemy of G-d and Torah, Moshe had the balance and judgement, which indicates a psychologically healthy and spiritually great personality, that allowed him to bring Korach down and sanctify Hashem. [I don't mean to turn Moshe into a study of psychology for this would be profane. However, we can learn from Moshe's spiritual qualities which correlate with psychological wholesomeness. Moshe, the highest-level prophet and humblest human being, must be viewed as a holy person from whom we learn how to see people in a good, positive, loving and responsible light]. When a person sees himself as having good qualities and attributes, his view is that there's room for everybody to live in the world, there's room for everyone to be good and valuable and enjoyable, to have what to be attracted to and to appreciate. They are able to get along with people and they see people as worth getting along with and they want to get along in relationships and doing so, in his mind, is normal. He sees others as worth giving what he has to offer, offering interchange, exchange and (in midos and emotional terms:) enrichment. Relating is mutually rewarding, dynamic, happy and healthy. Each comes to the relationship with what to offer to each other and what to enjoy from each other. So let's say I have a given view of myself. The earlier Talmudic teaching liken my view of myself to my view of others and the Targum Yonoson on the spies likens my view of myself to my view of how others view me. Therefore, cumulatively, and psychologically significant 1. my view of myself, my view of others and 3. my view of others' view of me are ALL the same in my mind. Generally, then, in regards to any given mida (security, love, respect, human worth, etc.), I view the entire world the same way! That perception, bias, coloration is what my mind understands and knows to be normal in regard to each mida (trait)! When I deal with people on the counseling level, I very often see, unfortunately, that practical life is far below the ideal. When I'm dealing with people who have personality or relating troubles, very often the problems that the person has in living in the world and/or dealing with relationships, gives valuable information as to what the true underlying problem is within the depth (laiv) of the individual. This is where the real issues lie. What are the things the person fixes on recurrently, what kinds of criticism (or criticism "theme") recurs in one form or another? What does the person praise or get excited about? How is the person different when his guard is down (the more a person is healthy, the more he is the basically same/uniform in all conditions; with no "guard," no act, no quest to make impressions nor evocation of needed responses)? What kind of relating patterns recur? What is the person attracted to that keeps failing to work? What attitudes and emotions have common denominators? What does the person talk about or emphasize when talking about other people in general; the opposite gender or relationship contexts in particular? The Talmud teaches that there are several indicators which tell you who a person really is, including * what one praises * how one leaves someone or something * how he spends money * how he behaves when angered * how he behaves when drunk. All of these behaviors reveal who the person really is, beneath the covering and acting that a person does to impress the public. One of the functions of marriage is for spouses to bring each other to human potential and completeness by repairing, or at least compensating for, each other's (spiritual or psychological) shortcomings. They give each other feedback, security and support. When either or both are so deficient that they pretend to be something they are not, they are not having an honest relationship. The other is relating to the phony facade, or is in utter struggle to deal with the underlying real person. The faults have impact on the other person and will, sooner or later, evoke objection or pain, which will cause response from the other person, and the relationship can deteriorate. Very often the problem is some manifestation or variation of self-image. Low self-esteem, in some form or another, is widespread, sabotaging and complex. There are numerous psychological patterns and disorders - which are related on various levels with damaged self-image - that are typical and potent destroyers of the capacity to find, initiate, select, develop and/or maintain relationships. There can be other manifestations, besides relationships, in adjusting to, dealing with or functioning in life or bringing out potentials, e.g. sabotaging one's job or escape into unproductive pastimes due to insecurity, fear, depression, pain, anxiety or disorders. These, generally, are traceable to an early age. The underlying causative factors are often partially or totally beneath the individual's conscious level of awareness - sometimes very deeply and powerfully buried. Nevertheless, regardless of the lack of conscious awareness, these emotional forces drive behavior very powerfully. The impact of this on relating nowadays is widespread. The positive side is that there are people who are basically healthy who can be "fine tuned," or more effective in life; and also the reader, no matter what his station in life, can better understand himself, even if not necessarily where something is neurotic, unhealthy or extreme. Sometimes a modification or insight can be valuable to help one get along in a relationship better or more sensitively, or to understand a life situation better, or to conduct some aspect of life more pleasantly or effectively. Perhaps this material can help the reader to increase understanding or sensitivity towards people, or to help a people, or to motivate people to seek professional help (if you can do so in a tactful, caring, non-threatening, non-insulting and positive way). There is an interesting source in the Talmud which demonstrates the Torah's clear and profound awareness of the difference between what one says and what one feels in his heart (besides the "trilogy" above from the Talmud and Targum Yonoson, which demonstrates that my view of myself, others and others' view of me are all ultimately the same in my mind). This case demonstrates how human motivations drive behavior, and is proof that the Torah knows (lehavdel) psychology. The case (Nedarim 20b-21a) is when two businessmen come together to negotiate a transaction. Normally, when a person makes a nedder (vow), the law is that the vow is binding on the person and he has no choice but to fulfill the vow or be fully and severely punished (which is why many people have the practice of saying "blee nedder [without any vow]" when they say they are going to do something, in case anything unforeseen or beyond the person's control occurs which blocks fulfillment of the promised action). So, it is always understood axiomatically (in Jewish law) that any vow is legally binding. In this case, both negotiators make their vows saying one thing with their mouths, but intending a different thing in their hearts. The seller says, "I vow that I will not sell this to you for less than four dollars" (while he says to himself, "I am willing to sell it a three but I want to incite him to buy"). The buyer says, "I vow that I will not buy this from you for more than two dollars (while he says to himself, "I am willing to buy it at three but I want to incite him to sell"). The law is that since both have in their hearts that they want to transact at three dollars and that they are only vowing otherwise so as to incite the other to transact at three, the vows are muttar (undone) [Note: do not go around making any neddar thinking that you can mean something different or use statement of any vow to arouse or to fool another person - you will most likely be creating serious halachic trouble for your soul; any questions, speak to an orthodox rabbi before you vow anything ever]. This law proves the Torah's recognition of and insight into human nature - the law is fully aware that people operate at both inner and outer levels, with an inner intention differing from the outer statement and behavior, so much so that in a case where it is totally understood that the inner and outer levels are behaving separately, the normal law that uncompromisingly mandates complete follow-through or punishment on vows is, in this unique case, canceled. When we combine this with what we wrote before about "terror of night," which indicates the psychological level beneath the conscious-level on the surface, we see the framework of a subconscious-level of the mind motivating, driving and guiding surface-level behavior. The law of vows alone addresses a conscious motive. The combining of "terror of night" and this law of vows provides the basis for establishing the subconscious level which can be separated or hidden from conscious awareness, which is a central pillar of the work of "psychology." In psychology, a therapeutic technique, for when a person can't or won't see something in himself, is to ask questions. In time, the person comes to recognize the thing for himself. This is useful for when a person would be defensive, feel attacked or go into denial. The Talmud (Bava Metzia 87a) teaches a related principle - that through asking a question, one can cause a realization in the listener in a case where one would not want to make a direct statement. When the three angels visited Avraham, they asked him, "'Where is Sara your wife?' and Avraham answered, 'In the tent.'" The angels fully knew that Sara was in the tent, owing to her modesty. They asked Avraham where his wife was so that when the answer to the question would occur to him in Avraham's mind, the remembrance of her fine qualities would increase her endearment to him. The angels asked Avraham where his wife was specifically so that the thought of her modesty would come to Avraham's mind. When this thought occurred to him, it prompted an emotional realization. This parallels the psychological dynamics of therapeutic questioning. The principle, "hergel naaseh teva shaini (habituation makes [ingrains behavior into] a second-nature)" teaches what psychology calls "conditioning." However, there is a serious difference between secular "conditioning" and Torah "hergel (habituation, conditioning)." That serious difference is "tzelem Elokim (the image of G-d, inherent in the human being and in his neshomo/soul)." The psychologist may be content to project behavior patterns of rats (trained in laboratory cages with behavior "reinforced" with pellets of nosh) to humans, presuming humans to be merely fancier rats. The Torah adds and requires the element of the G-dly, the spiritual, the human dignity and worth which no rat has any connection to. Tosfos (Chulin 42b) says that we cannot apply what we learn about an animal to a person, so we may not use any psychology derived from study of any animal and just about everything in behaviorism or anything related to it has to be considered traif. We must confront and respond to the G-dly soul and human quality when we deal in psychology. But, regarding conditioning, what is germane is that humans are trained by environment, atmosphere, habit, culture, education, and upbringing. The human can be habituated or trained to perceive his experience as "reality" or "normal," and this is assimilated into who the person is and into what dealing with him requires.
NEUROTIC BEHAVIOR STEMMING FROM BURIED UNMANAGEABLE EMOTIONS When I do counseling with "real live" people, one of the things that I see with striking recurrence and consistency is the manifesting of a verse from the awesomely wise Shlomo HaMelech (Koheless 1:18), "The more intelligent, the more pain." Time after time, I see that it is the brightest, most sensitive, most feeling, the deepest neshamos (souls) that often have the most suffering, the most disappointment, the most heartbreak, the most personality damage, the most severely smashed hopes and expectations. (There are deep, substantial neshamos that are healthy and functional - I am not saying that everyone who is intelligent or sensitive is troubled; or that everyone who is happy is unintelligent or shallow; rather, that a noteworthy percentage of troubled people are deep, bright, talented and sensitive souls). First, by virtue of their being so much as people; childhood abuse, neglect, rejection, or despair deals them a double blow. As deep, sensitive people, they need more nurturance, guidance, support, security, recognition and encouragement for their deep needs to be satisfied and for their personalities to healthily blossom. Second, any injury or deprivation hits that much more at their "inner self," causing "pound for pound" or "inch by inch" of "blow" that much more damage. As an analogy, let's say antagonistic country A seeks to deal the most destructive blow on enemy country B. By dropping an atom bomb on B's most populous city, "pound for pound" the same bomb does that much more damage than if dropped on a less populated city. On the other side of this analogy, if beneficent and kind country A wanted to do the most good for friendly country B, air-lifting planeloads of food to B's most populous city provides maximum benefit and nourishment, when the food lands, as compared with dropping in an open and unpopulated desert or forest. And, the more populated the receiving city is, the more food shipments that must be delivered to nourish its population. The sensitive child is easier to "blow away" or to "emotionally starve." It takes "atom bomb level" love, nurturance, guidance and security to bring that child up as fully emotionally healthy and to his personality's potential. It takes unusually sophisticated, healthy, sensitive, giving and attentive parents to be up to the task. We live in a highly materialistic and superficial society, whose ideas, goals, values and priorities can divert parents' thoughts and energies away from identifying or addressing the more sensitive or sophisticated needs of some or all of their children. In some families things work out fine. In others, different children with different temperaments or personalities develop with different levels of success in the same family. Often, the youth of today and the last generation do not receive and have not received their emotional, spiritual and psychological needs. As a result, they are hard put to have a real, intimate relationship with themselves, never mind with anyone else. This condition is widespread in our generation, and appears to be growing. The symptoms are more singles, more shalom bayis problems (marital strife), more self-centeredness, more mobility, more impatience, more inner unhappiness and more dissatisfaction; more difficulty adjusting to work, to relationships, to responsibility and to any possible area of life. Further, these sensitive people are very often more insightful and have a deeper, more sophisticated, more fine-tuned perception about the way the world and life ought to be. They have higher ideals, standards, needs and expectations. Since the common foibles, mediocrity, shortcomings, falsity, injuries and disappointments of the world and life never come close to where things "should" be, the shallowness, mediocrity, insincerity, emptiness, meanness, etc. are that much more of a blow. If they've suffered emotional trauma, or been emotionally injured or shortchanged so as to be more or less disconnected from their heart (laiv) and inner feelings, they may not know why life is deficient, but their "fine tuned" sense and high standards know or intuit that something is very wrong. They may self-sabotage, may be unable to put together where things go wrong, but the disparity and resultant pain are very poignant, potent and operative. If things are supposed to be XY and Z and they are not even half of X, the difference registers profoundly, is taken seriously, and can cause hurt that is literally beyond words. Such a person can have an inordinate difficulty in having the courage, security or trust to try or hold a true, close relationship, on healthy terms with a healthy partner, when the downside risk in everything associated with it is so enormous, frightening and overwhelming. There is too much fear, anxiety, anger, pain and dismissal of hope or expectation. This often does NOT operate at a consciously aware level. Not knowing, in his experience, that there is better, or how to do things better, the person views life as he knows it and conducts himself according to what he knows. That's the way he is "wired" or "programmed." His experience has trained him and, to him, is reality (on the emotional level, even if not on the intellectual level - remember, we are often talking about very bright people). Outside of abstract and intellectual ideals; good, happiness and fulfillment are futility at best, nonexistent at worst; the way the person grew up trained him that disappointment, hurt and mediocrity are normal. Relationships, when they occur, often fit destructive and/or disappointing patterns; often play out self-fulfilling prophesy of failure, hopelessness and/or doom. And "no one else but me" has the understanding, sophistication, decency, reliability, depth, sensitivity, perception and capacity to give as I do, to be as good as I am, to recognize what is right; so who is eligible to be close to me or who is worth my getting close to? No one out there is any good (or good enough). In order not to feel abnormal, or to look abnormal to those "out there who wouldn't understand me," the person will go through the "normal-looking motions" to appear to seek and conduct relationships, (s)he will set up shrewd and strategic sabotage that the naked eye can't discern (sometimes, if not always, the person can't discern what he or she is doing either), and be a self-fulfilling prophet whose message is: the world doesn't work (or know what its doing), or everyone else is at fault or doesn't know better or I told you so. Often, this goes on beneath the conscious level of awareness. Conscious or not, the person is driven by force that is more powerful than any rational or self-aware force, so that the impact of these psychological patterns on behavior are often at or near total control over behavior. Of course, there can be many variations which may manifest in individual cases. Some of the ways these problems come out is in being critical, blaming, manipulative, controlling, abusive, depressed, violent, unstable, withdrawn, rigid, explosive, selfish, judgmental, adversarial, rejecting and/or "selectively irresponsible." There are many others and these can come out in varying degrees, frequencies and/or combinations; and can be prompted by given circumstances, provocations or associations. Generally, these are extraordinarily talented people with high potential. Their dysfunction, unfulfilled potential and unhappiness can be utterly heart-rending and tragic. Remember the verse about the "terror of night." When you can't see something, the unknown, unreachable, unseeable is terrifying. Commonly, these problems indicate severe, buried fears. But fear is nowhere near the entire story; it is often only the beginning. Often personality injury of the kinds referred to here (when not chemical nor psychiatric abnormalities, but "only" emotional personality problems or injury) are some variation of the following general model. 1. There is a massive layer of fear (or variations such as terror, or panic, depending on the sensitivity level of the person and the type, source[s], degree, intensity, frequency, age and the cause of injury factors) which covers 2. a massive layer of anger (or variations such as fury, rage, resentment, or indignation, again, depending on the nature of the cause and the person) which covers 3. a massive layer of intense and unmanageable pain, anguish or trauma. It is at the deepest level (3) of hurt where the buried wounds produce the patterns of faulty and beaten up self-image, self-esteem, emotions, judgement, defenses and behavior. All this is compounded by the natural sensitivity level and emotional equipment with which each individual is created. Here is the root of the personality, the laiv (heart). If a defensive wall goes up where laiv (heart) meets nefesh (personality), the injury in the nefesh effectively blocks full access to the laiv, and consequently, blocks the ability to recognize, be appropriately attracted to, or connect with the laiv of a viable "candidate" for a fulfilling, harmonious, enduring, serious and stable relationship. The person is not in touch with his or her own essence (laiv) to pursue life activities which stem from the essence (laiv), so, such activities will not happen or flourish. A person cannot flourish in an environment that is not natural to the heart. Responsible, mature life and relationships require "laiv resources." The psychologically wounded or deprived person lacks the "laiv resources," or is cut off from them since the heart is blocked, closed in, not accessible (one whose midos are deficient have essentially the same problem on a mussar [Torah ethics and character-trait] level). One's "training" and emotional habits may contain behaviors that prevent, avoid or destroy close, healthy and secure relationships. Priority number one is always "safety," which can include denial and avoidance of unmanageable emotions or situations, or defensive behavior driven by deep need for emotional security and protection. If the single saw fighting, divorce, indifference, abuse, judgementalism, rejection, neglect, dysfunction or violence in his family, the person may see marriage [or intimacy, work, friendships, authority - or whatever is psychologically associated in the mind with the cause] as an ominous, strife-ridden, confrontational, unmanageably bad or frightening, threatening or unworthy undertaking or commitment. It has nothing to do with whether this is rational. It's more "emotional cause and effect," not subject to any onlooker's judgement or logic. The single who grew up with negative emotional input will associate marriage with what his experience infused into his emotional being: anxiety, rage, loss, vulnerability, pain, contempt, risk or shortchange. Commitment, in the mind, means probability of expectable injury, loss of self, mistake, being used, being stuck, being unappreciated, being abandoned, being vulnerable, being rejected, disappointment; which can emotionally paralyze the person with fear and terror. This barrier to commitment can stop a person from getting or staying married or from pursuing or developing a career or any aspect of life which is psychologically perceived as causing the loss of options, control or safety. As another example, people who grew up with poverty and/or degradation work to acquire wealth in their desperation for power, security and control over their circumstances. Having grown up with so much "down side" in his or her experience, environment and emotions, all of the negatives seem normal and expectable. The negatives evoke a subconsciously conditioned response so the person will project and generalize one's early life experience and environment ("coloring" heart and perceptions and, thereby, motivating action - or inaction - as the case may be, and as security may demand) so as to always expect the same from man-woman relationships and the family unit, or from going out into the aspect(s) of life psychologically impacted by the person's history. The single is "wired" or "programmed" to assume his/her experience to be "normal" or "reality," and extends the experience and axiomatic life assumptions to all which pertains to relationships. In mussar, this is called "kibbutz roshmim" (the accumulation of mental impressions which, of course, is the foundation of one's midos, emotions, perceptions, judgement and behaviors). Relationship is perceived as frightening, adversarial and/or damaging. The closer one gets to another person, the more such a person is driven away. The mind's orientation is vulnerability, protection, safety, protection and escape. The individual faults and dismisses "eligible" relating candidates. I have often seen people with relationship or personality disorders belittle and reject loving, good-natured and accessible individuals; while nasty, destructive and unattainable individuals are powerfully attractive and aggressively pursued. Besides active abuse or emotional injury in childhood, there is the personality harm that comes from the lack of emotional support, validation, recognition, nurturing and esteem (even if the parents have not been actively destructive or harmful - the more a child is sensitive or needy, the more passive causes can damage a child). Negligent, selfish, dysfunctional, inept or psychologically primitive parents depriving a child of these, especially when the child's personality is in formation during the earliest years of life (when the child is most needy, vulnerable, dependent, defenseless, formative and delicate), is like depriving "emotional food" - the personality "starves." Anything undernourished withers. A person who was psychologically wounded or rejected as a child is often, deep down, painfully lonely, defensive (at least in sensitive areas of life), bitter, indirect or evasive about matters of intimacy or commitment, "black and white" in viewing life (i.e. things are firmly right one way, all wrong the other way; there are no "grey areas" in between, there is no basis for compromise or flexibility), frightened, critical, depressed, discouraged, indecisive, stubborn, cynical, prone to avoidance or childishness in important areas of life (that require maturity, responsibility or practical and "on target" response to another person's needs), restless, malcontent (nothing is ever good enough), nervous and/or angry. Dealing with such people, on condition that they want to be "dealt with," in these issues requires enormous respect, understanding, patience, skill, sensitivity, tact, adaptability, creativity and wisdom (it's not work that everybody is cut out to do). And all this must be with no tone of blame, attack, judgement, criticism, put-down, arrogance or rejection - these only tend to make people feel hurt, disliked, disrespected, resentful, attacked, misunderstood, alienated, and defensive. Effective handling of this situation gives one the opportunity to fulfill, "daaga bilaiv ish yasichenu le'achairim (speak out the troubles, fears or worries on one's heart with others). The Torah understands the value and importance of facing and releasing negative, painful emotions, but it takes training to deal with the "troubles of the heart" that are deep and complex; especially in painful, fragile areas about which people are evasive and/or defensive. Achieving the goal of helping the person also fulfills "viahavta lirayacho kimocha (the mitzva to "love your fellow Jew as yourself [Leviticus 19:18]," which Rabbi Akiva (Yerushalmi, Nedarim) calls the "central principle of the Torah." One of the greatest acts of love is to make happy someone who has hurt, worry, fear or trouble. If you can't do that, at least don't make it worse by disrespecting, judging or condemning the person. If you can, try to bring the person to someone else who can help; or bring the person a step closer to receptivity to help. As Hillel says (tractate Shabos 31a), "What is hateful to you, do not do to another." If you study the context of this Talmudic passage, we see that Hillel was specifically speaking to someone who he understood was not capable of as high a standard as active lovingkindness. To this person Hillel said, in essence, "If you can't do good for people, at least don't do bad - don't hurt anybody. Now get to work and go study and learn more Torah, so you can do better over the course of time."
PSYCHOLOGICAL MANIFESTATIONS IN DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIPS Being attracted to the unattainable or unworkable, the single only pursues someone who one or both could not commit to or realistically fulfill. "I'm not worth it." A real, intimate relationship means the unbearably frightening result of another person "finding out the truth about me" and, "of course, rejecting me; I'm nobody, worthless, no good, a liability." By keeping distance, facade or busy, I don't face disclosure, failure, painful and demeaning rejection. I remain safe from others finding out my "true self." Intimacy and commitment mean the other can find out that I'm so faulty, bad, objectionable - that which I perceive about myself. I'm in need of so much tolerance and unconditional love, that no one, of course, is ever going to give me, never mind on an intimate and committed level. If a person is interested in me, there MUST be something really wrong with that person. No "normal" person would approve of me. I couldn't "subject me to a normal person." I couldn't deign to settle for an abnormal person. How could I be close to someone who is interested in me? One may chose partners who need what (s)he can give because of yearning for approval, love, validation and/ or acceptance. Some people choose relationships because of what other people think (e.g. so-and-so got a partner who symbolizes power, status, wealth, honor) or for the statement that the person needs to make to the world (to think that he or she is "somebody" or a "winner;" or, at least not "nobody" or a "loser"). If a partner is accomplished, good-looking, respected, wealthy or from "yeechus" (a "good family"), this "status symbol" makes an impression on others that the individual desperately needs in order to associate with his or her validation as a person. Occasionally, the manifestation is the converse: I'll show how much I DON'T NEED other people's approval by having a relationship with an "underdog." By choosing someone with a defect (physical, emotional, social...real or imagined), I "prove" how much I am secure and independent of others' thoughts. The person, of course, depends on people "for the thoughts that they DON'T have, instead of the thoughts that they DO have! Or, I may need to be a "rescuer." If I save someone else, it means I am valid or I have something to offer. Or, I have so much pain that I will save someone in greater pain so the other, after finding out how good I am at pain-relief, will then be willing to provide desperately needed salvation from my pain, in exchange. Or, I'll save another in great pain because I hurt so much that I deeply need to reduce the amount of pain in the world. In any event, it's not a relationship for myself. It's not a real relationship between a real me-person and a real you-person. It's my shell relating to your symbolic and psychological representation. A "real" relationship, of course, is ONLY person to person, heart to heart. Since it is not a real relationship, I disqualify and eliminate valid relationship candidates, and suffer all of the vicissitudes and disadvantages that come with relating to an "off target" or "artificially chosen" partner. If the problem is being picky or perfectionistic, an imperfect partner may mean, "I'm no good (should 'perfect me' settle? - if I pick someone imperfect, it must really prove that I'm no good since I can't get someone better)" or facing the fact that I'm in such unbearable pain that I've developed unrealistic or excessive needs that a "standard" person can't meet - so I'll hold out for someone perfect in order to prove I'm OK, or I desperately need to be validated or blemishless so I'll wait for someone better, or I have to wait for someone "special enough to appreciate me" (and "standard" people don't appreciate me or see that I'm special and unique or have enough "wonderfulness" for wonderful me). Another twist, in choosing relationships with individuals with worse problems than I have so I don't feel inferior...I have what to offer so I am validated and needed...I don't have to fear being rejected or unappreciated or undervalued because I am important and helpful and necessary...I can feel control and security. I have the power to do the rejecting if necessary, or, if I get rejected, it is only by this "lesser person." Another twist on pursuing the unattainable is abuse, teasing, contempt, and/or being critical...in the desperate need for control and safety, which the person needs desperately and rigidly, since the person's life ha been so out of his/her control, unhappy and empty of need-fulfillment. Some people avoid emotional closeness and vulnerability with behavior that is domineering, stifling, blunt, rejecting, punitive, cold, distant, aloof, removed or exploitive. One of the manifestations of personality injury is compulsivity. Compulsive behavior is uncontrollably powerful escapism from overwhelming, unmanageable emotions beneath the surface; such as buried fear, anger, pain, rejection, worthlessness or loneliness. The person virtually jumps to do things which shield him/her from those areas of life which pose "threat" or vulnerability. By being busy or fast-moving (either at all times; or when the stimulus is feared, expected or present) the perceived injury or affront is evaded. It's like A constantly jumping so fast that B won't be able to shoot A. And, you don't necessarily have to be there for the person to fear being shot. After all, "you never know!" The fear of being emotionally shot is ingrained and ongoing. Keep hopping! Emotional injury during childhood can produce defenses against intolerable and frightening input. The defense can manifest as violence, manipulation, rigidity, control or any behavior that closes other people out, especially for the long run. Other defenses for escaping significant, unbearable, miserable feelings include instability, dissociation (floating from thought to thought; or, simply disconnecting from or forgetting a thought, particularly while in the middle of it), indifference, cruelty, or the "Narcissistic Personality Disorder (preoccupation with self; extreme neediness, such as being the center of attention, or to be noticed, indulged or praised; having no hesitation about using people; having no empathy or regard for another's feelings, rights or dignity, especially when one's own is in the way). Another common psychological problem is depression. Depression is redefined from time to time but, when not chemical, is generally safe to describe as the emotional wound-state resulting from the system's powerful and draining expenditure of emotional energy spent on burying powerful emotions which the body's defense system struggles to cover and avoid: fear, anger, pain, terror; as well as loneliness, lack of sense of self, starvation for love or "the right to be or feel normal," emptiness, meaninglessness, tension, stress, desperation for approval or validation. Depression can be debilitating or can make a person so lackluster, fatigued or negative, that it is impossible to function fully in some or all aspects of life; including maintaining a steady, stable, functional relationship. There is too much despair, exhaustion and/or wound for any partner's positivism or support to overcome; and too much to enable the person to have the energy, responsibility, well-being to contribute to and participate in a meaningful and ongoing relationship. Approach-Avoidance is developing the relationship until it gets too close. At the point at which the person perceives the frightening prospect of intimacy or commitment, the individual sets up some sabotage or provocation that assures avoidance of intimacy or commitment. This includes intrigue with or powerful attraction to the unattainable; behaving so as to "chase" the other away (violent, angry, irresponsible, nasty, punitive, abusive, taking without giving back, "I must go out with other people," not working on significant faults that clearly bother the other person - behaviors designed to assure that the other will run); as well as provoking the other into insurmountable, irrational hostility of some kind, such that the relationship's dysfunction or destruction "was the other's fault" (how could I be with someone who is crazy, evil, unstable, unreliable, selfish, insecure, etc.?). Blindness to another's feelings in conjunction with malcontent or bitterness and obsession with one's own needs is indicative of massive abuse, neglect, rejection and/or emotional damage at (or near) the personality's root (at a very early, formative age, or over a long period of time). Being a "big shot," haughty (especially when at the expense of others), or irrational preoccupation with the other person's needs to the exclusion of one's own legitimate needs all indicate a small and beaten-down self-image. Co-dependency is when two people have a destructive relationship that both are strongly and durably tied to. Even if they break up, they run back - perhaps many, many times - to the relationship and "can't live without it." Both partners have a powerful and uncontrollable unhealthy need for, and irrational defensiveness for, the other's destructive personality characteristics and behavior. There are numerous others, but these are some of the more common and potent factors, disorders and patterns (when the cause is of non-chemical psychological kind) that block permanent and healthy man-woman relationships in Jewish society today. Often, the lines are not so clearly drawn (whether between different psychological problems, or between psychological and non-psychological problems [such as cited at the beginning - off-target hishtadluss, inept matchmakers, insufficient self-definition or relating skills, selfishness, immaturity, bad midos, meddling parents, etc.] kinds). To be genuinely marriageable, one must be capable of chesed and rachamim; ready for a reciprocally compassionate, mature, generous, stable and responsible relationship. Now a word of caution is very necessary at this point. In our society today, there are many complexities that appear in human behavior. As a counselor with practical "hands on" experience, I see some people who present themselves to the world as generous, sensitive and giving people. When I deal with them closely, when the familiarity is developed and the guard goes down, when we become comfortable, many such people today turn out not to be coming from a pure foundation of chesed together with rachamim. To be sure, these are sensitive and deep neshamos (souls). Often these people have psychological complications and one of the ways in which they come across is as dedicated, caring, generous, deeply feeling people. No doubt, again I stress, that they oftentimes are extraordinary people with wonderful, extraordinary qualities. But that is not the whole story. Often, due to various psychological deprivations, traumas, emotional disorders or other conditions, typically in childhood and through no fault of their own, a lot of "where they are coming from" is not "from a healthy place." This can be manifested in a variety of ways. The person may be nice when conditions suit their needs or convenience (insecurity, love starvation, approval starvation, want something back from you, poor self-image, fear of rejection, desperate for validation or meaning, any number of disorders). When things don't suit their needs, or if a person becomes secure with you (so as to no longer need to "act" and to "buy" your approval or attention, because it is already securely there), the true foundation comes out in various degrees and combinations. I've seen manifestations that include behavior that is manipulative, exploitive, coercive, conditional, unstable, selfish, immature, pathological, nervous, rude, angry, volatile, abusive, irresponsible, compulsive, controlling, sadistic, violent, paranoic, co-dependent, anguished, depressed, rigidly defensive or inflexible, punitive, malcontent, critical, explosive, unreasonably indignant...numerous forms of behaviors that would be destructive, unbearable and sabotaging in a "real" relationship. When anything like this is the case, the person is not a "candidate for saving the world," as it may appear to the untrained eye or to the person with whom emotional security has not been built. The person is, rather, a candidate for professional help...in order to see, unravel, release, resolve and replace the underlying pained, insecure, dysfunctional, unhealthy and/or destructive inner material. Then, the person can develop true spiritual quality and potential. The wise King Solomon wrote in the book of Kohelless that the more intellectually substantial a person is, the more pain their life will have. Very often, such people are especially deep, sensitive, sophisticated personalities who have endured terrible psychological injury, neglect or rejection, typically at a very young and vulnerable age. The trauma to the emotions and nervous system is aggravated by the disparity between their higher need level and the poorer quality of nurturance. Troubles and patterns can come in diverse and complex combinations, and symptoms can indicate several possible underlying causes. It's always "case by case." For example, is shyness just one's modest nature or is there some unhealthy fear of (or expectation of) rejection involved, or is there a lack of social skill which makes the person come across awkwardly but with no deeper problem than need for some gentle training and encouragement? There are no pat answers. When, for example, person chases after or is dependent upon a destructive or unworkable relationship; if a person is depressed, rigid, abusive, isolated, arrogant, compulsive or critical; the therapeutic process for dealing with such conditions can be hard, complicated and time-consuming work. The person often, if not typically, does not see his inner situation for what it is. Even if there is some intellectual degree of realization that, on some vague level, life isn't "working," the tendency to protect, to defend, to deny, to resist, to evade and to fault-find elsewhere (and project difficulties and blame away from the person's self) make it very difficult to get the person to realize their need for change and improvement. If the person is resistent to working on him/herself, to change and growth, is it because he is "blind" to the situation, or the impact of his/her behavior on others (or to another's side of the story, feelings, or interests). Is the "blindness" there because the person has "Narcissism" [a personality disorder in which a person is too wrapped up in him/herself; the ability to really care about others is blocked due to self-love and inner emotional injury] or scared [which can manifest in different ways or levels of intensity, e.g. being insecure, anxiety-ridden, or prone to panic in situations that are intolerable]? Is overblown, arrogant ego due to too big a self-image (midos problem) or due to an actually too, too small self-image (psychology problem) that the person is compensating for and defending against facing? Is a person discouraged because of objective hardship and suffering in life, or because of never having learned what feeling encouraged is? Is a person extraordinarily generous because of a golden heart or a broken heart (because the person is insecure and yearning for your approval)? As you can see, the seemingly "simple" can get quite messy and complicated. With human beings, we can't take things for granted, make assumptions nor rely on simplistic platitudes. Not when Tzelem Elokim and our next generation are at stake. Making all this practical is complex, difficult and painstaking avoda (practical undertaking, spiritual service). Consider that we are dealing with living individuals. Consider that there are dozens of psychological causes for singlehood or relationship troubles and, there are ALSO dozens of other-than-psychological causes for singlehood and relationship problems. Consider that some factors are the responsibility of the individual while some factors are in the hand of - and understood exclusively by - Heaven. Consider that people can be enormously deep. Consider that any number of combinations of factors can apply to any given individual. Consider that many people can avoid, deny, fault-find with everyone but him/herself, stick obstinately to their ways of doing things, or try sincerely to work on themselves but be misdirected so that their efforts are to no or limited avail. I work with groups, couples, and individuals, with results that vary in accordance with the receptivity and effort of each individual, and in accordance with the nature and duration of the counseling relationship or the workshop. It is vital to our people, our generation, and our continuity to raise public consciousness to the problems, causes, opportunities and options which relate to the massive singles and marital-trouble "epidemics" - and to do so in a reality-based way. When the problems are not psychological, we all can do more. For example, do you know singles who you can befriend and talk to about how to understand, relate with or attract the opposite gender better? Can you befriend them, encourage them, do kindnesses for them? Can you help them with their problems or needs? Can you help them to be more practical, effective or happy? Can you invite singles for shabos, Yom Tov, Purim or once-a-week "lecture and nosh" gatherings (as you get to know singles better and better, you can set them up [for dates] or have selected singles over on the same occasion, to let them meet each other by both being there at the same time). Can you help influence them as to good midos and relating skills? Some problems are "semi-psychological," such as values for example the emphasizing of work, materialism, career or livelihood over relationship, feelings for another person and having a person in one's life who has feelings for the individual. I have seen such "problems in priorities" break up singles who were seeing each other seriously. I've also seen this trouble already-married-couples wherein one - it could have been either the male or the female - wants things of spirituality and of the heart, while the other has drive for things of the physical world. These issues can be potent enough to break up marriages and families, and the problems usually spill over into psychological and midos domains. I have seen many workaholics abuse or neglect their spouse and family, often figuring that they can "throw money at the family" and be "exempted" from giving themselves as human being, spouse and parent.
MEASURES OF PSYCHOLOGICAL HEALTH AND "REACH-ABILITY" There are certain psychological indicators of mental health, i.e. certain criteria by which psychology judges mental health. For example, signs of good psychological health include 1. adaptability, 2. living in the present, 3. the capacity to be affected by input from outside of one's own self and own mind (e.g. other people, rules or principles, realistic response to circumstances, etc.) and 4. the ability to grow. Obviously, a person 1. who is rigid, 2. who lives in the past or future (e.g. present-day neurotic associations stemming from childhood dysfunction, or overpowering anxieties about what might happen in the future), 3. who is closed to, or is unaffected by, input from another person (the other's needs, feelings, opinions, harm, requests, etc.) or is callously indifferent about another person, or who fails to deal with circumstances or principles as they really are, or 4. who refuses to grow as a human being... does not show signs of good psychological health. These provide "tools" or "data" that help to define what the situation is. All of these unhealthy signs indicate that there is serious work to be done. When a person has psychological difficulties which stem from abuse, emotional trauma, dysfunction, a neurotic parental role model, etc., the person's relating patterns are essentially 1. continuations of their "psychological training," 2. defenses against the damage, fright or suffering they went through in the past and/or 3. defenses against what they presently associate with it. This makes their relating very complicated because present behavior is very enmeshed with nasty, unhealthy and complex origins in the past. Since such people tend to be somewhat blind to the meaning or impact of their behavior, and are generally judgmental and defensive, it is difficult to get them clear or anchored in what the issues are, or what they have to do, to not do and/or to change. They always have an explanation. What is tragic, of course, is that the person, regardless of denial, is causing "human damage" by abuse or emotional harm to family members. DAMAGE WITH AN EXPLANATION IS STILL DAMAGE! Their refusal to recognize the reality outside of the "private reality in their mind" does not help those whom they are damaging. It is critical that they come to deal responsibly to repair their personality, behavior and perceptions. If the person is "reachable" we can work to increase awareness of the hurtful, destabilizing and disruptive impact of behavior on others, to accept his or her responsibility to shield spouse and children from harm and to gradually bestow good on other family members while working out the inner turmoil, conflict, pain, anxieties, tension, frustrations and confusion. If the person is not reachable, the road is more difficult and slow. We would have to strategically work around the resistant individual by changing other people or elements in the scenario; for example, build self-esteem, teach "emotional self-defense," increase the sense of value in the marriage or family (to maneuver the offender to having more fear of losing the marriage or family unit, and to having more motivation to change) or make the offender's behavior be ineffective or backfire. Then, we can bring the partner into the counseling process. This, of course, does not apply if someone is "closed tight" or dangerous. It's always a case-by-case question. Sometimes psychological or emotional problems stem from early in life. Sometimes the problems originate in the marriage or are brought to the surface in the marriage. To the extent that the marriage originates or triggers psychological or emotional difficulties, the marriage itself must provide repair (deeper or earlier problems have to be dealt with using different therapeutic processes). As Rambam writes, to fix a bad extreme you must go to the other (good) extreme. The couple must be supportive, nurturing, sensitive and understanding; to create together an environment of emotional comfort, stability, responsiveness, fulfillment, cooperation and security. This is crucial to gradually making the family wholesome, calm, trusting and healthy. When problems are psychological, I will often take from psychology two in particular of the means by which emotional health are defined and measured, for which there are some substantiations in Torah and in seichel (common sense, reason). Firstly, a person is said to be psychologically unhealthy to the extent to which (s)he lives in or sticks to one's own world. To the extent that one allows the input, influence, communication of other people "in" (or, at least be wholeheartedly and honestly considered); and can participate in genuine, steady and wholesome interchange with others; one is said to be healthy. The person who is emotionally closed off, self-contained, blocked is said to be not healthy. A Talmudic corollary has G-d, kaviyochol, saying to an arrogant person, "I and he cannot live in the same world." The person is blocked off, in an enclosure, and thereby set apart from the will of G-d. His haughtiness keeps him from responding to the will of Hashem, so the person will do and think whatever he wants. He will permit himself to be selfish, a low-life, a sinner, anything his ego-centric heart decides. He will do what he wants. He only makes room for himself in his enclosure, his world within himself. In other words, if the person cannot allow the will or wisdom or presence of another entity effect him or her, his capacity to function and interact is damaged. The mussar message is that the person cuts him/herself off from spirituality, but the message of "self-enclosure" and "blocking out" external input and influence (even the real recognition of other entities outside of oneself) can transfer effectively over to personality - to which the midos and mussar aspect of the message more literally refers. Midos, after all are in the personality, just as its secular "cousin" [lehavdel] psychology is [midos are in the personality just as psychology is]. The person who wants to allow the will of Hashem in has to cancel his ego, bring down the barriers, undo his sense of self. He must become more humble, more open, more receptive, to allow more of the influence, more of the "spiritual substance" of Hashem in, so that there is less enclosure of self and, instead, more and more Torah, halacha, midos and mitzvos. He allows more of that which comes from outside into him, and he has less and less "ego material" within himself. There is less and less wall to block the flow between what is within his skin and what is in the world. The message of "self-enclosure" and blocking out external input can somewhat transfer effectively over to personality, even though the Talmudic message literally refers to the mida of arrogance. A second measure of neurosis is the spectrum from flexibility to rigidity. The Talmud says that a person must be as soft and bendable as a reed. The Tiferess Yisroel (commentary to Pirkei Avos 6:6, in the "48 ways to acquire Torah") describes having a "good heart" similarly, writing that a person should always be gentle, adaptable, actively seeking to do good for others and be delighted at every opportunity to give kindness of oneself for the benefit of others. The Talmud also states that G-d loves a person who isn't "makpid al midosav" - wanting everything just his way, strict that things be or go just one way. G-d loves a person who doesn't have rigidity! Rigidity and one-dimensionalism are damaging and make G-d not love one! To the extent that one is unyielding, and the rest of the world "has no case," the person cannot interact with anyone - G-d or human - but him/herself. It is important, good and proper to be flexible; it is an ideal, it is spiritual to be flexible. Midos, the Talmudic context for advocating flexibility, is spirituality, but they are also personality; which psychology [lehavdel] is. To the extent that one isn't flexible in the personality, "well-adjusted" in psychological language, he isn't functioning the way things aught to be. The more flexible a person is, on the spectrum between flexible and rigid, the more healthy the person is. The more rigid, the more unhealthy. The more one is unyielding and stiff, the rest of the world has no case. Such a person cannot interact with anyone but himself, to the extent that the person is rigid and inflexible. But, as long as one is alive, there is another principle from our tradition that furnishes courage and hope: ain lecha dovor ha'omaid bifnay haratzon [Nothing stands in the way of will] - the Hebrew equivalent of "where there's a will there's a way." These words were written by the Vilna Gaon in a letter, translating an Aramaic phrase in the Zohar. Although we don't quite think of the Gaon or Shimon Bar Yochoi [compiler of Zohar] as psychologists, this is further indication of the insight into human reality provided by those who go through and through the Torah. One who has sincere, honest and firm will (not lip-service), and who aligns his will with the will of Hashem, can achieve things that he never dreamed possible. Where there are problems in society or individuals, we must raise consciousness and capacity to be responsive in practical terms and kosher in Torah terms. It is the challenge of our generation to muster - and act effectively upon - the will.
PERSONALITY AND RELATIONSHIP DAMAGE, PART ONE - THE WELLSPRING OF HUMAN DEPTH The Torah says, "And Yehuda came near [to Yosef; Genesis 44:18]." To explain this phrase, the midrash [Beraishis Raba 93:4] brings the verse, "Counsel in the heart of man is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it up [Proverbs 20:5]."In the story of Yosef and his brothers, Yosef, who was second to Paro in Egypt, was about to take Binyomin as a slave. Yehuda approached Yosef to plead on his brother Binyomin's behalf. The midrash says that Yehuda spoke to Yosef by penetrating all of the levels to Yosef's heart, using the following analogy. A deep well had superb waters deep down but no one could reach deep down enough to get to the good waters. Then a wise person came and tied many ropes and threads till he could draw up the water and drink. Then, all people drew water in the same way and were able to drink. In the same way, Yehuda did not stop answering Yosef word for word until he penetrated to his heart. Thereby, "Yehuda came near to him." The Torah is not telling us about physical distance. Yehuda came close to Yosef's heart. This midrash opens up the basic principle of psychotherapy and counseling by showing how a person is a series of layers between the surface of his personality and the heart, the very essence and depth of the person. Human beings are deep (although different people have different measures of depth, and different people are more or less in touch with, or separated from, their depth). People ostensibly operate on a surface level, but it is mandatory to understand people on a deeper level, as close as possible to the core, before one can either judge a person or interact effectively with that person. Time after time, in my counseling work, I see that it is the brightest, most sensitive, most feeling, the deepest neshamos (souls) that often have the most suffering, the most heartbreak, the most personality damage, the most complexity, the most severely smashed hopes and expectations. (There are deep, substantial neshamos who are healthy and functional - I am not saying that everyone who is intelligent or sensitive is troubled; or that everyone who is happy is unintelligent or shallow; rather, that a noteworthy percentage of troubled people are deep, bright, talented and sensitive souls). First, by virtue of their being so much as human beings; childhood abuse, neglect, rejection or despair deals them a double blow. As deep, sensitive people, they need more nurturance, guidance, support, security, recognition and encouragement for their deep needs to be satisfied and for their personalities to healthily blossom. Second, any injury or deprivation hits that much more at their "inner self," causing that much more damage "inch by inch" of "blow." As an analogy, let's say antagonistic country A seeks to deal the most destructive blow on enemy country B. By dropping an atom bomb on B's most populous city, "pound for pound" the same bomb does that much more damage than if dropped on a desert or less populated city. On the other side of this analogy, if beneficent and kind country A wanted to do the most good for friendly country B, air-lifting planeloads of food to B's most populous city provides maximum benefit and nourishment, when the food lands, as compared with dropping food in an open and unpopulated wilderness. And, the more populated the receiving city is, the more food shipments that must be delivered to nourish the population. The sensitive child is easier to "blow away" or to "emotionally starve." Other children in the same family might grow up to be fine and healthy. It takes "atom bomb level" love, nurturance, guidance and security to bring that child up as fully emotionally healthy and to his personality's potential. It takes unusually sophisticated, healthy, sensitive, giving and attentive parents to be up to the task. Further, these sensitive people are very often more insightful and have a deeper, more sophisticated, more fine-tuned perception about the way the world and life ought to be. They have higher ideals, standards, needs and expectations. Since the common mediocrity, shortcomings, falsity and injuries of life never come close to where things "should" be, the shallowness, insincerity, emptiness, deceit, meanness, indifference, disappointment, etc. are that much more of a blow. If they've been emotionally injured or shortchanged so as to be more or less disconnected from their heart and inner feelings, they may not know why life is deficient, but their "fine tuned" sense and high standards "know" or sense that something is very wrong or lacking. They may self-sabotage, may be unable to put together where things go wrong, but the disparity and resultant pain are very poignant, potent and operative. If things are supposed to be X, Y and Z and they are not even half of X, the difference registers profoundly, is taken seriously, and can cause inner hurt that is literally beyond words. Often, such pain is of unmanageable magnitude, especially if it starts at a young age when a child has no understanding with which to handle or process this pain, which does not fit with the way inner understanding says life aught to be. Like anyone betrayed, the person loses trust and defends. When young (or when the magnitude of any emotional trauma exceeds one's capacity to process or comprehend it, such as a victim of war, abuse, emotional neglect or violent crime), and there are no means of protection or evasion or escape, emotional functions in the body are subject to breakage. The only possible kinds of defense are for parts of the personality to close down; for the mind to bury the unmanageable feelings or memories from conscious awareness; to avoid or control aspects of life psychologically associated with the trauma, neglect or insecurity; to create situations, with intense and unbending drive, which allow life to play out "safely," securely and with perceived control. Examples are 1. evading close relating to escape rejection by being busy with a job or hobby, 2. Rejecting suitable people for fear they will be rejected by someone whose rejection would matter, or 3. seeking inadequate relationship partners to feel important, wanted or in control. Generally the behavior is pursued to the point of evading central life roles, responsibilities or relationships; which may be too unmanageable to handle. The person reinforces his behaviors, habits, axioms and expectations. The more intense and/or recurrent the pain that one went through, the more thick and rigid the defensive walls of fear, anger and/or pain become. Commensurately, it becomes more difficult for the person to change, and doing so requires all the more support, motivation, perseverance, conviction, encouragement and strength of character.
PERSONALITY AND RELATIONSHIP DAMAGE, PART TWO - THE MORE INTELLIGENT, THE MORE PAIN In part one, we spoke of a how a person who is a deeply feeling type will be more profoundly injured by emotional trauma, wound or deprivation. When I do counseling with "real live" people, one of the things that I see with striking recurrence and consistency is the manifesting of a verse from the awesomely wise King Solomon (Ecclesiastes 1:18), "The more intelligent, the more pain."Every child has emotional needs and must be emotionally cultivated. When there is a meaningful disparity between the level of need and the actual need-fulfillment level, that gap makes a deep impression on the way the young person develops, and experiences and understands life. The person will also be impacted by the role models and environment of early life - the parents' relationship, whether there was calm or tension in the home, whether there was emotional giving versus coldness, whether the parents were allies or adversarial, etc. This all is "translated" into the person's relationships - e.g. what attracts the person and how the person conducts relationships. The person seeks relationships that are in certain ways patterned after what he or she grew up with - or lacked. When emotional nurturing was deficient early in life, the person can come to expect from relationships the same type of rejection, disappointment, abuse, mediocrity, adversity, hurtfulness, dishonesty, rejection, etc. which came early in life. Such a person can have an inordinate difficulty in having the courage, security or trust to try or hold a true, close and committed relationship, on healthy terms with a healthy partner. The downside risk in everything associated with intimate relating is perceived to be so enormous, frightening and overwhelming. There is too much fear, anxiety, anger, pain and dismissal of hope or expectation. It means exposing the heart to the risk of pain. This often does NOT operate at a consciously aware level. Not knowing, in his experience, that there is better, or how to do things better, the person views and conducts life according to what he knows. That's the way he is "wired" or "programmed." His experience and history have trained him and, to him, it is "reality" (on the emotional level, even if not on the intellectual level - remember, we are often talking about very bright and sensitive people). Outside of abstract and high intellectual ideals; good, happiness and fulfillment are futility at best, nonexistent at worst. The way the person grew up trained him that disappointment, hurt and rejection are normal and expected. Relationships, when they occur, often fit destructive and/or disappointing patterns; often play out self-fulfilling prophesy of failure, hopelessness and/or doom. And "no one else but me" has the understanding, sophistication, decency, reliability, depth, sensitivity, perception and capacity to give as I do, to be as good as I am, to recognize what is right; so who is eligible to be close to me or who is worth my getting close to? No one out there is any good (or good enough). In order not to feel abnormal, or to not look abnormal to those "out there who wouldn't understand me," the person will go through the "normal-looking motions" to appear to seek and conduct relationships, (s)he will set up shrewd and strategic sabotage that the naked eye can't discern (sometimes, if not always, the person can't discern what he or she is doing either), and be a self-fulfilling prophet whose message is: the world doesn't work (or know what it is doing), or everyone else is at fault or doesn't know better than I. Often, this goes on beneath the conscious level of awareness. Conscious or not, the person is driven by force that is more powerful than any rational or self-aware force, so that the impact of these psychological patterns on behavior are often at or near total control over behavior (at least in certain aspects of life - those psychologically associated with the person's inner condition and history). Of course, there can be many variations which may manifest in individual cases. Some of the ways these problems come out is in being critical, blaming, manipulative, controlling, abusive, depressed, violent, unstable, withdrawn, rigid, explosive, selfish, judgmental, adversarial, rejecting, using people and/or being "selectively irresponsible" [e.g. the person won't keep appointments to provoke and prove the other cannot unconditionally love or will emotionally brow-beat a partner to keep from feeling vulnerable]. Ironically, people can pursue dysfunctional, promiscuous or unattainable relationships that are incapable of solidity or commitment in their quest to seek to satisfy their "love starvation," or they destroy reasonable relationships for fear of rejection or failure; sabotaging any real hope of obtaining the love for which they are starving. There are many other manifestations and these can come out in varying degrees, frequencies and/or combinations; and can be prompted by given circumstances, provocations or psychological associations. Generally, these are extraordinarily talented people with high potential. Their dysfunction, unfulfilled potential and unhappiness can be utterly heart-rending and tragic. Humans are pre-disposed by genetics and are trained by environment, atmosphere, habit, culture, education and upbringing. The human can be habituated or trained to perceive his experience as "reality" or "normal," and this is assimilated into who the person perceives himself to be, into what dealing with him requires and into what kind of relationships the person is attracted to. We live in a highly materialistic, rushed, cold and superficial society, whose ideas, goals, values and priorities can divert parents' thoughts and energies away from identifying or addressing the more sensitive or sophisticated needs of some or all of their children. In some families things work out fine. In others, different children with different temperaments, needs or personalities develop with different levels of success in the same family. Often, the youth of today and the previous generation do not receive and have not received their emotional, spiritual and psychological needs. As a result, they are hard put to have a real, intimate relationship with themselves, never mind with anyone else. This condition is widespread in our generation, and appears to be growing. The symptoms are: more singles, more shalom bayis problems (marital strife), more self-centeredness, more instability, more mobility, more impatience, more inner unhappiness and more "mass production education" rather than person-potential development; leading to more unhappiness, more dissatisfaction, more difficulty adjusting to work, to relationships, to responsibility, to challenges and to any possible area of life. The person can be psychologically at a much lower age than he or she is chronologically. Tehilim tells us, "Do not fear the terror of night nor the arrow that flies by day" [Psalm 91:5]. Note that the verse tells us of a clear, specific cause of terror during the day [the arrow], but why does it only refer to a general, vague, undefined terror of night? When one is in the dark, one cannot see. When something is attacking you, if there is light, if you can see, there isn't nearly as much terror, because you can identify your enemy, who he is, where he is coming from, what weapons he is attacking you with, how to fight back, where to aim, what weapons and defenses to respond with, and how to win. In the dark, hidden or "guerilla" forces can be coming at you from anywhere, with any weapons, surprising and hitting you at any time from anywhere. This is much more terrifying, upsetting and confusing. This is the terror of the "fear of the unknown" - an overwhelming anxiety and nervewracking sense of danger, lack of control and absence of security; with a lessened ability to defend or fight back. And, this is a basic model for psychology of the unconscious or subconscious mind. When a person is confronted with the effects of buried, powerful emotions (attacking "enemies"), he cannot see the "arrow of day" (i.e. a defined, tangible, identifiable cause of trouble or fear). There is only the unseeable terror of night; manifestations of deeply buried pain, fright, fury, depression, loneliness, tension, anxiety, sense of worthlessness, expectation of rejection or abuse, or any number of forceful emotions, frustrations and protective mechanisms. The verse about the "terror of night" teaches that when you can't see something, the unknown, unreachable, unseeable is terrifying. The dichotomy between a psychologically injured sensitive person's high level of relationship potential and their destructive relationship reality is heart-rending and striking. You would think that if these people found relationships that matched and suited their sensitivity and potential for fineness and warmth they truly should have a beautiful relationship (were they to be psychologically uninjured). People, whether they are aware of it or not, have "antennas" that seek out relationships that suit and match their internal psychological situation. When one is love-starved or emotionally wounded, one is drawn and attracted to people who their antenna discerns can feed into their inner emotional reality. Nature abhors a vacuum. The inner psychological reality of the person has deep needs. Inner emptiness needs desperately to be filled. When A's "antenna" picks up that B fits into the way the individual's personality is "wired," A can be attracted to the point of being driven, sometimes compulsively. Especially if B "broadcasts" (in psychological terms, not necessarily in objective terms) that A's need can be fulfilled or that what is needed in A is accessible or available in B, A can enter into a desperate "campaign" to pursue B. When this happens in one direction, A will be "chasing the unattainable." When both feed into each other's negative psychological condition or needs, you have a potentially dysfunctional and disastrous co-dependent relationship in the making - that both can be strongly and irrationally drawn to and defensive of. In the beginning, each seems to be in bliss. The relationship seems to be the answer to a prayer. It makes the person feel loved, saved, important, needed, connected, validated, un-alone, powerful, in-control, meaningful, alive - or whatever the need or cluster of needs may be. However, the relationship is not predicated on a foundation of objective criteria for a wholesome, real and lasting relationship (unselfishness, respect, humility, responsibility, trustworthiness, stability, etc.). It is predicated on and motivated by self-love, emotional self-preservation and self-directed need-fulfillment. It basically stems from what is NOT THERE, whereas a real relationship stems from what IS THERE. It gets very complex when there is a confusing mix or blend of "not there" factors and "is there" factors. A relationship of that sort can get very protracted, rocky, painful, destabilizing and dismaying. Often it is futile. Sometimes with persevering and devoted work, and a very good psychotherapist or counselor, something of a functional marriage can be produced or maintained. Generally, in these types of things, the feeling of perceived "love" for the other is actually the emotional gratification within the person's desperate psychological neediness, hurt or isolation. It is NOT TRUE NOR LASTING LOVE. It will degenerate after the initial romantic stage, after the guard and the "being on best behavior" go down. This is typically after about one week to three months, either after meeting or after marriage; depending on the courting custom, religious scenario and depth of emotional troubles and defenses. Sometimes the decline comes gradually, sometimes suddenly. Ironically, when the relationship grows "secure," the insecurities come out. In some manifestation or another, the profound neediness, powerful defensiveness, demanding self-preoccupation, and unreasonable inner-person surfaces. The relationship becomes unstable and rocky. What was once "beautiful" was actually mutual gratification. When the underlying personalities surfaced, with the unhealthy and intense demands and abuses that these place upon one another, nothing healthy could stand a chance. Their relationships often follow a psychological pattern called "approach-avoidance," of which I have seen three basic varieties. 1) One will run from the relationship when the other gets too close, serious or interested. 2) One will provoke the other into inappropriate behavior (to use as an excuse for quitting; e.g. A never showing up on time for appointments so B eventually gets angry and A says, "I can't continue with a meshugana like you!"). 3) One will provoke the other into outright leaving. When a relationship gets too close, it is unmanageably threatening and frightening, and the person will use some form of sabotage to evade intimacy, exclusivity and/or commitment. In my counseling experience, I repeatedly find that the traits of rigidity, and blindness to the impact of behavior on the other, make relationships and self-improvement particularly difficult, if not impossible, because the person is not open to adaptability, to mature conduct nor to realistic evaluation of how they treat others or make others feel. A relationship can only be sustainable and healthy when both people are adaptive and considerate on behalf of the other, promoting peace and cooperation.
PERSONALITY AND RELATIONSHIP DAMAGE, PART FOUR - TURNING THE "LEMONS INTO LEMONADE" We have been discussing how people, often sensitive and bright people, fall into patterns of relationships with the opposite gender. They are often driven by powerful and irrational emotional forces that they are often unaware of, striving to meet unhealthy needs and to support elaborate defenses that generally stem back to relatively early ages. The relationships are basically set up from the beginning to fail because they are based on what good is missing, not what good is there. It is self-oriented, with inadequate "other-person-focus," and there is no foundation for a healthy and durable relationship. People have "emotional antennas" and unconsciously select man-woman relationships that feed into their "psychological programming."One example of this is a scenario/pattern that I see over and over in my counseling experience. A sensitive person was in a very close and intense relationship. It started out beautifully - warm, very attached, confidential and seemingly headed towards marriage. After a month or two, some form of stagnation or degeneration sets in. It can manifest as some form of impasse, some exhibition of explosiveness or contempt, some pulling away or distancing by one of the parties or some showing of irresponsibility, abuse, indifference, selfishness or instability. After the initial "beautiful" month or two, there is a period, from a few months to a few years, during which the relationship blows hot and cold or is stuck with some obstacle that has the couple simultaneously running to and from each other in some way. If they are "swingin' singles," the relationship neither escalates to marriage nor breaks up. If they are "frum enough to have to be married," the marriage relationship can get rocky, cold, sadistic, contemptuous, unpredictable, irresponsible, unethical or inconsistent. After all, they are "frum," so they might not run anywhere from the marriage. One party (or both) may have a difficulty with intimacy or commitment, may have needs or may make demands that the other can't or shouldn't supply, may be unable to communicate or resolve differences, may have a rough temper or stubborn streak. Some form of insurmountable incompatibility appears. Eventually, one party often takes some form of initiative and either destroys or terminates the relationship, often unilaterally. One party or the other is devastated and comes for counseling. The party is heartbroken, and can't "let go." When the party is the woman, she is often breaking out in tears while talking to me. The person can be intensely defensive about the perceived merits of the relationship. The party is stuck on the uniqueness and irreplaceability of the partner, stuck on how the other "really is a good person," on the need to protect children or how the other does not appreciate that they are "basherte." It is clear to someone with psychotherapeutic experience that the relationship failed because of some considerable shortcoming(s) in (usually) both parties. If one is somewhat healthy, that person typically will leave the relationship - and is typically the first to marry subsequently. If one partner comes in for counseling, I ask the person, "What attracted you to this person in the first place if the person is so troubled?" That generally first stuns the person ("Wow, I never thought of that") and then gets the person thinking about what the attraction may say about him or herself. Once I explore and learn enough of the details, I am just about never surprised that the relationship failed. One thing I notice so often that it strikes me as uncanny. There is something in the causality of the break-up that constitutes a way in which the individual can potentially grow. There is some considerable psychological and spiritual potential laying dormant in the party that the relationship disclosed, e.g. choosing unattainables due to a fear of closeness and poor self image, an angry temper, lack of empathy for another person, selfishness or unrealistic expectations of a relating partner, inability to express feelings or to effectively communicate, etc. If the person would diligently work on the problem or shortcoming, the person would bring out a fundamental potential and come to live a fuller life - and be a candidate for a successful relationship. It is a principle basic to the Torah that each person is born to toil for self-perfection. If the couple is working together, they can start to see how they ARE "BASHERTE" BECAUSE THEY EACH CAN HELP TO COMPLETE EACH OTHER, complement each other (e.g. providing strengths where the other is weak, creating a greater whole or "team") and bring out potentials in each that would never have come out without their initial adversity and trial. In this recurrent scenario, if the couple is not willing or able to work with a cooperative and mature attitude, the relationship is generally over as a "human relationship," even if it stays as a "technical relationship." It is generally at the point at which it is irreconcilable. The choice is no longer in the party's control. I tell the person that the relationship is like a "wake up call." When one goes to a hotel and wants to be waken up from sleep at a specific time, one asks the front desk for a wake-up call. Similarly, the relationship and its uncontrollable unavailability or failure is a "wake up call" from G-d to get to work on the shortcomings and covered-over potential. The person was unaware of the fault or pattern, or has been evading it. An intense relationship ending in isolation and pain is an inescapable message that gets down to one's core. G-d is sending a message that things can't work the way the person is doing things. G-d's providence always factors in everyone effected by any given thing. For example, if a husband becomes very ill and unable to work, all of the impact on the wife and children is part of the Providential administration of all events. Similarly here, G-d's Providence addresses both parties to the relationship. The effect on both is "custom tailored" by Heaven so as to be what each needs. The relationship typically brings to the surface some psychological and/or spiritual problem area(s) in which each member of the couple needs to accept and act upon G-d's "message." His "wake up call" signals that both parties must not sleep through life in one or more key area(s), wherein they are below their potential. Achieving their mission in life and finding of their ultimate soulmate (or success with him or her) depends upon their fixing the shortcoming or actualizing the potential that the painful futile relationship (or relationship pattern) uncovered. Generally, in my experience, these same couples (even if they've broken up and reunited many times) 1. if single, do not end up marrying each other and 2. if married, "keep knocking their heads together," unless and until they "get the message" and face and fix their inner problems and shortcomings. Sometimes they "get the message," sometimes they don't. Sometimes only one does and has to devise with me a way to manage e.g. move on as a single from the defective relationship or cope "alone in a marriage," without the other's interest or cooperation. Remember, too, that I am talking about sensitive, deep and talented people. They often have exquisite defenses, necessarily produced by massive internal pain, generally stemming back to early childhood. When the counseling relationship gets to the point at which I can convey that there is good purpose in the profoundly unhappy turn of events, they, understandably, have a hard time hearing how so much suffering is good. The sensitive person is given struggles by G-d. The "prescription" is given so as to bring about recovery - if the person takes the "message" and goes through the rigorous and gradual therapeutic process. The sensitive person generally can find fundamental areas in which he or she must grow. Once enough personal growth is accomplished, the person can develop untapped potentials, bring out his or her extraordinary talents, pursue a productive life, and achieve spiritually great things, and achieve personal success and fulfillment, that he or she never dreamed of or never thought could be realistic or possible. Holding in emotions, such as worry or fear, is a major root cause for many psychological disorders and problems. In a marriage, holding in upset feelings can be very damaging to the relationship and can worsen damage which has already been done. The Torah fully recognizes this. Feelings must be expressed with your spouse, possibly with the mediation of a qualified yoray Shomayim counselor if necessary. Wise King Solomon tells us [Proverbs 12:25], "daaga bilaiv ish yash'chena vidovor tov yismachena." A plain translation would be, "Worry [or, rendered by Rashi: fear] in a person's heart will tear him down and a good word will cheer him." The Talmud (Yoma 75a) and Rashi on 1. the verse in Proverbs and 2. the Talmud in Yoma, which studies this verse, expand the meaning for us. The "sh" and "s" in Hebrew are written with the same letter. The Talmud utilizes this point of Hebrew grammar and turns the SH into S so that the verse could be switched from "yaSH'chena (will tear him down)" to yaSichena [le'achairim] (let him speak out/discuss [with others]." With this reading, the verse would mean to say, "Let the person with worry or fear in his heart speak it out to others." Rashi [on the Talmud] adds that this permits the person to obtain advice and [on the verse] that in talking it out to the other person, the other's "good word" will give comfort and happiness in the matter of concern. This can be very healthy when appropriately applied to a married couple. Don't keep a worry in. Discuss it with your spouse (unless nothing will be accomplished but spreading the worry). If your spouse can help, with a practical idea, emotional support, assistance, cheering up, etc.; this can help the marriage grow closer. Show that you each matter in your respective needs and issues. By the responsiveness, concern, attentiveness and exchange, the couple will build trust, bondedness and their relationship. The Torah makes clear that you may not harbor any bad feelings towards any Jew (all the moreso to your spouse!). The Torah's "prescription" is to speak to the person. However, you may not just bark or steamroll with whatever upset that escapes from your mouth. You must talk, but not to incite machlokess [fighting, arguing; Sefer Shalom Bayis]. You must speak with no ill-will and in a soft voice; using questions inquiring about the person's actions ["Why did you do such-and-such to me?] - not statements, accusations nor attacks; speaking peacefully, gently, respectfully and privately; to produce a constructive and agreeable resolution. Your ONLY motive must be to bring the other person to good in this world and the eternal world [Rambam Hilchos Dayos 6:6-7]. When a couple cannot alone overcome the difficulties in their relationship or behavior, professional help may be needed. For the Jew, this must mean seeking counseling from a Torah Jew who is humble and Yorai Shomayim [has fear of violating the will of G-d]. Matters that come up in relationship difficulties in general, and marriage in particular, are governed by halacha and mesorah [Torah law and heritage]. You must communicate comfortably and have confidence about the integrity, skill and insight of your counselor. Counseling or psychotherapy can open up pain, anger, fear, sadness, tension or other intense feelings. You might feel vulnerable, dependent or in need of emotional support. Releasing and handling these emotions constructively is typically a part of the process. The professional has to be able to guide you through, in an honorable, capable and responsible manner. The counselor must show warmth, understanding and empathy, fulfilling the verse, "Just as water reflects a face, so the heart of a person replies to a heart" [Proverbs 27:19]. It is not realistic to come to a counselor and say, "Make my life work, get me [or keep for me] a relationship, supply my needs, achieve my goals." Counseling only works for the person with the will, responsibility, character strength and dedication to work on him or her self (and/or on a relationship). I repeatedly tell people who come to me for counseling that the process works only for those who have the will to be in the process and the commitment to work at and stay in the process. An analogy I use is: the counselor is like one who gives directions and the person or couple in counseling are like people who have to actually drive a car to get to their destination. If they don't "travel," they get nowhere. The counselor does not live your life for you. He guides you on how to deal with your own life, if you choose to face up to what it takes - and work at it with honesty and perseverance. Rabbi Broka Hoza'a was often in the market at Bai Lepat where Eliyahu HaNovie spoke to him. Each day, he asked Eliyahu, "Is there anyone here who has olam haba (the eternal world)?" to which Eliyahu's reply repeatedly was, "No." One day, Eliyahu said, "Those two." Rabbi Broka ran over and excitedly asked them, "What [special thing] do you do?" They answered, "We're comedians. We cheer up depressed people..." [Talmud Taanis 22a]. Rashi explains these men were, "Comedians. Happy people who make [other] people happy." Rashi is teaching that what you have in your heart is what you give to the heart of another person to whom you relate. To have a happy relationship, you first have to be happy in your heart, have happiness within yourself to give to someone else and to pour out on another's behalf, and be capable of actively making another's heart happy - with the drive to ongoingly and effectively do so. An unhappy person cannot be made happy by a relationship. My counseling experience consistently is that when an unhappy person seeks a relationship to fill in an inner emptiness, the relationship never makes the person happy. The unhappy person always makes the second person unhappy. The counselor's role, therefore, is to help the client recognize what makes him or her unhappy and bring the person to a more fulfilled and functional level. This is key to the counselor bringing the client to his or her goals. Rashi also is showing us that a counselor must be able to bring the client out of his sad or distressed state. If he can help the client do so, if the client does all of his or her work, it is a great mitzva (as it is to make any Jew happy). The Torah says [Genesis 5:22], "And Hanoch walked with G-d." Midrash Talpios says that this means that when he worked [as a shoemaker], Hanoch united himself with G-d, with every move and stitch. Rabbi Yisroel Salanter said that he put his complete heart and being into his work to give his customers maximum benefit and enjoyment. How one works is a part of serving G-d. A counselor who gives his best to his clients "walks with G-d." Go to the counselor in person. Do NOT get counseling by phone. Much of the important information that a good counselor is trained to acquire comes from visual images and non-verbals, e.g. facial expressions, gestures, fidgeting, whether a disputing couple makes eye contact, etc. Since phone counseling does not provide that important "data" to the counselor, it violates the halacha of giving full value for the price, the same way you would be cheated if you bought 10 ounces of a product and were charged for 15, or if you ordered a product and only received an empty box. The "counseling process" requires collecting data about the person or couple; including about behavior, emotions, attitude, personal history, reactions, habits, conditioning, defenses, etc. As the counseling process proceeds, new "data" keeps coming, perhaps for months. The ability to give full help is harmed by the limitations imposed by the phone. No ethical counselor should counsel by phone, especially before he or she knows the person or couple so well that the counselor is familiar with what non-verbals, images and motions would be there. If an "already familiar" client lives very far away [so that regular counseling visits are difficult] or becomes ill [e.g. breaks a leg], Heaven forbid, and wants to keep continuity while unable to physically come [e.g. until healed], occasional or temporary phone sessions can be considered on a case-by-case basis. If a client wants phone counseling, the counselor must disclose the disadvantages of counseling by means of phone (so that the client is aware of potential harm to, or diminishing of, "the process") and obtain the client's ADVANCE INFORMED CONSENT. To decide if or how phone counseling is permitted in any given case, a rov familiar with the intricacies of counseling and with business halachos should be contacted with a shaala [rabbinic question]. Since no less a figure than Rav Moshe Feinstein poskined [determined law] on choosing a counselor, let us look at what he wrote. Notice that his tshuva [responsa] is from Yorah Daya (#57), from which we shall see that the halacha category under which he poskined is avoda zara [the Torah prohibition of foreign or idolatrous ideology], which is central to understanding his psak [legal decision]. He warns to be careful to not use a practitioner who rejects or ignores Torah. [Rabbi Feinstein's title for the subject:] Regarding whether one can heal himself from illnesses of the mind from psychiatric doctors who substitute for or deny Torah law. In the matter of those whose personalities or thoughts cause them to need to go to psychologists or psychiatrists, whether it is permissible to go to these, being that they substitute for or deny Torah law. In my view one should not go to doctors such as these to be healed because their remedies are not from medicines that heal. Rather, it is from much talking by them, if the patient makes known by what thoughts he is burdened, and they advise him how to conduct himself. Definitely we must be suspicious that they sometimes advise against the laws of the Torah, and even against fundamentals of Judaism and against morality and modest conduct. In my view, why are we accustomed to going to doctors who substitute for and deny Torah law from other illnesses? It is because they heal with various medicines. There is no connection with their heresy, and the prohibition to heal oneself from apostates is only when their remedies are in conjunction with service of idolatry, as is brought in Tosfos Avoda Zora 27 and Shulchan Aruch Yorah Daya 155. However, the psychologists and psychiatrists, whose remedies come with words, we must definitely be suspicious of, that they will speak words of apostasy and vulgarity. If they are expert doctors who can be trusted to guarantee to not speak any words that are against knowledge of faith in G-d and mitzvos of the Torah, and to guarantee this to parents when children are the patients, it might be possible to depend on them. When they are experts in their field, possibly they won't lie. Therefore, one should search for a psychological doctor who keeps Torah. If there is not one available, make a condition with him and have him guarantee not to speak with the patient in matters addressed by faith in G-d and Torah. Your friend, Moshe Feinstein Secular logic, reasoning and thinking are not the same as the Torah's. I remember that when I was a young fellow in yeshiva, I noticed that gemora thinking was what I saw as "organic." I had seen pictures in my high school biology text of intestines, blood vessels, the brain and spine, the inside of an eye, etc. You could, for example, follow a blood cell around the blood vessels or a nerve impulse around the entire body. When you learn a gemora from one mishna to the next mishna, the thought process through the sugya (subject matter), the shokla vitarya (questions and answers), the logic disputes and resolutions between different chachomim, were all structured in a manner that were the mental equivalent of organic. This was, to me, one of the greatest proofs that the Torah is from G-d. Whereas psychology, which I was already studying, taught that there is mathematical and verbal thinking, abstract and concrete reasoning; in the gemora, mental functioning is not artificially divided. It all goes together and, from mishna to mishna, there is typically an intellectual cycle that the material goes through, the same organic way that body systems add up to blocks of natural function. The Torah is made to accord precisely with the way the mind was created. The Torah and the mind both operate the same way and both come from the same source - G-d Alm-ghty Himself. A secular psychologist, or even a frum one who is not a talmid chocham, would never know this. His thinking would be missing elements that cannot fully add up to an understanding of the mind. Too much of secular thinking is theoretical, while Torah is grounded in the reality with which G-d created the human being. I also noticed when young that, although I never heard it articulated as such, one of the main goals of learning Talmud is not just to acquire knowledge or intellectual development or personal growth; it is to teach you how to think like the Torah "thinks," like Chazal think, like the mesorah "thinks." Learning Torah is geared to making a person part of the chain of tradition that has been our lifeblood since G-d's revelation at Mount Sinai. No secular study or wisdom can achieve this. Torah unites one with G-d's timeless "thought process" [kaviyachol]. The human mind and Torah are made to operate with the same mental processes and only a person steeped in Torah wisdom, knowledge and logic can achieve this for himself or guide any other Jew to optimally and naturally unite himself with the way G-d created the human mind and human nature. Psychology's teachings, some of which are very artificial, cannot connect with the human mind or personality completely. During the years I lived in Yerushalayim, I knew a rov who was also a psychologist. He told me that ninety percent of psychology is sheker [falsehood] but we need it for the ten percent that helps. When viewed with this perspective, we must put limited faith in and have limited dependency on secular psychology, differentiate the parts that are kosher and useful from those which are false and traif. Since such a huge measure of psychology cannot stand up to Torah criteria, especially nowadays - with so many anti-Torah positions, psychology must be selectively sought from only Torah loyal practitioners who are either learned or attached closely to someone who is. Tidbits of psychology whose kashrus you can't confirm must be deemed guilty till proven innocent. It is wise to find out who a counselor's rov is and what his or her positions as to Torah observance and loyalty are. If they do not adhere to a high standard of Torah knowledge and observance, your Jewish mind and soul are not safe in their hands. Further, Rav Shimon Schwab said that a thing can be technically permissible when viewed alone, but can be, in the final analysis, a Torah prohibition because of the mitzva of kedoshim tihiyu [the commandment to be holy]. Even where a technical loophole might permit something otherwise, its failure to accord with holiness will make it no option for the Torah Jew. This is another concern with secular studies of the mind, human nature and the personality, and with choosing a counselor. There must be holiness in what Jews do, think and feel and how they impact others. A Jew must always be a holaich [one who is spiritually progressing] and not an omaid [one who is spiritually stagnant]. All the moreso, one must not spiritually backslide. Will your counselor bring you to spiritual progress, stagnation or decline? As Rav Moshe said, it is imperative to seek a counselor who is a trustworthy Jew or, at the very least, promises to respect and safeguard your spirituality. Even if you seriously need help, and it is a mitzva to get the help you need, there is no mitzva ever that comes through an avaira [sin]. If one commits a sin, one is just a sinner. One cannot steal a lulav to shake with an esrog nor steal money to give to charity. There is no exemption to commit wrong even for a noble purpose. To us, a Robin Hood, who steals from the rich to give to the poor, is just a Hood...lum! It is forbidden to do a mitzva through a sin [Suka 30a]. Avraham told Eliezer to find a wife for Yitzchok and bring her back to Yitzchok in the land of Israel. Avraham said that Eliezer is exempt from his duty if the girl would not come to Israel. From this, Rabbi Shimshon Rafael Hirsch points out, in his classic commentary on the Torah, that if G-d wants a mitzva done, He will supply the means for doing it. If kosher means are not present, or if only traif means are available, G-d exempts you from the mitzva. A mitzva must be all-mitzva, to be the will of G-d!
The Torah says, "And Yehuda came near [to Yosef; Genesis 44:18]." To explain this phrase, the midrash [Beraishis Raba 93:4] brings the verse, "Counsel in the heart of man is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it up [Proverbs 20:5]." In the story of Yosef and his brothers, Yosef, who was second to Paro in Egypt, was about to take Binyomin as a slave. Yehuda approached Yosef to plead on his brother Binyomin's behalf. The midrash says that Yehuda spoke to Yosef by penetrating all of the levels to Yosef's heart, using the following analogy. A deep well had superb waters deep down but no one could reach deep down enough to get to the good waters. Then a wise person came and tied many ropes and threads till he could draw up the water and drink. Then, all people drew water in the same way and were able to drink. In the same way, Yehuda did not stop answering Yosef word for word until he penetrated to his heart. Thereby, "Yehuda came near to him." The Torah is not telling us about physical distance. Yehuda came close to Yosef's heart. This midrash opens up the basic principle of psychotherapy and counseling by showing how a person is a series of layers between the surface of his personality and the heart, the very essence and depth of the person. Human beings are deep (although different people have different measures of depth, and different people are more or less in touch with, or separated from, their depth). People ostensibly operate on a surface level, but it is mandatory to understand people on a deeper level, as close as possible to the core, before one can either judge a person or interact effectively with that person. The Torah is fully aware that people are deep and that it takes penetration to the depth to relate to or impact a person. The question arises on how to separate between the psychological path to a person's depth and the Torah path to a person's depth. This series will be exploring this question - in depth! The Torah Jew's counselor must be in regular consultation with a rov to obtain da'as Torah on halachic or "life-impacting" shaalos, which invariably come up. He or she must clearly make Torah evident in his or her approach, character, attitude and conduct. He or she must clearly have straight hashkofos [views] and have Torah-based criteria and justifications for all recommendations or advice. There can be no doubt that a Jew's counselor clearly knows and is uncompromisingly committed to halacha and Torah values. The counselor MUST know about what the Torah says on relevant topics and methods (e.g. anger, family purity, resolving quarrels, the fundamentality of peace, how to relate, personality, morality, fairness, good midos/character traits, understanding gender differences, spousal responsibilities, parental/chinuch [educational] responsibilities, laws of lashon hora [impermissible speech] and correcting harmful faults). The tribes of Reuven and Gad had much cattle. The other side of the Jordan River was good grazing land. They asked Moshe for permission to stay there instead of entering Israel, so they could "build pens for our animals and cities for our children" [Numbers 32:16]. Note that they placed their business interests first, before their children. When Moshe answered them [Numbers 32:24], he said "Build cities for your children and pens for your animals." Note that Moshe switched the order, putting Jewish children first. The Torah is teaching us that children come before one's work, materialism, business or personal preferences. Their physical, spiritual and emotional well-being is of central importance. When there are one or more children, everything humanly possible must be done to repair and preserve a difficult marriage or family. This is an example of priorities to which a Jew's counselor must adhere. I recommend that, to the extent possible, you choose a counselor who knows, or at least has some familiarity with, Choshen Mishpot; the portion of halacha that has to do with judges, testimony, proof, money, people's halachic rights and protections, how people craft speech to suit their self-interest and thinking, damages and other matters of bais din. My reason is NOT because he will know about gitten [divorce, which is handled by a bais din]. A competent Jewish counselor works to keep couples from ever going to bais din! Rather, one who knows Choshen Mishpot knows how to handle the couple's claims against each other like an impartial, qualified and experienced dayan [judge] would. His methods follow the Torah. He is skilled at making each clarify, prove and justify their claims, accusations or protests. He is more apt to overcome the spouses' subjectivity, emotions or ignorance; and to uncover faulty or incomplete arguments and complaints. He is more likely to bring fair, lasting and Torah-based resolution. If you can't find a counselor who knows Choshen Mishpot, at least use one who is enough of a Yoray Shomayim to steadily consult with, and bring shaalos to, a reputable rov who is an expert in halachos relevant to counseling, marriage or other subject areas relevant to the case. If there is no religious Jewish counselor in your city, it is YOUR responsibility to have a rov to bring shaalos to. You must make sure that the person will respect and abide by Torah teachings, values and rules. Secular social sciences, such as Psychology and Social Work have many unreligious and anti-Torah principles and methods, many of which are questionable at best, and "traif" at worst. Even some religious Jewish practitioners separate their "professional self" from their "Jewish self." For example, one "religious" practitioner was supportive of a Jew's homosexuality because Psychology "is non-judgmental," is "validating" and is non-interfering about any person's lifestyle. Another said that lashon hora [prohibited harmful speech] is a matter of "many interpretations," essentially "permitting" disregard for (or ignorance or evasion of) the laws. Tosfos [Chulin 42b] says that we are not allowed to learn about humans by studying animals, which is something psychology does. Psychology says that intimate relations with a consenting child, never mind adult (e.g. out of wedlock), is not psychologically objectionable (after all, they claim, it is with consent). In a location where such acts might be illegal, prevailing law is what considers these acts to be objectionable. However, from the perspective of Psychology itself, these acts are not considered unhealthy or abnormal, independent of the perspective of local law. This must alarm the Torah Jew. Psychology and Torah differ significantly on handling quarrels and anger (which are grave sins), morality, having a G-dly soul, accountability to Heaven for how one spends every moment, and on their understanding of the origin and purpose of human life. The goal of counseling must be TORAH-COMPATIBLE resolution of quarrels, personality shortcomings, behavior difficulties and all other issues.
When G-d asked Kain where his brother (who Kain had just murdered) is, he answered G-d, "Am I my brother's keeper?" [Genesis 4:9]. G-d spent the rest of the Torah telling us how the answer is: "Yes." For example, there are laws that require correction (tochacha) of another's behavior under certain conditions. A Torah counselor must know these laws and when to correct a client in religiously governed matters. Being a counselor is no exemption from being Torah observant. When Avraham came to the land of the Plishtim [Philistines], he said that his wife Sara was his sister. The Torah says that she was very attractive. King Avimelech took her for a wife and G-d came to him in a dream and said not to touch Sara or else Avimelech would die. Avimelech ran to Avraham and asked why he said that Sara was his sister when she was actually his wife. Avraham replied that he feared he would be killed so that any man who would want her could take her because "There is no fear of G-d in this place [Genesis 20:11]." Malbim, in his famous commentary on the Torah, points out that Avimelech's country was relatively civilized. Nevertheless, it does not matter how sophisticated, philosophical or progressive a country or society is. When human beings want things, they can legislate, manipulate, or pervert any laws they wish. They can even pass a law that somehow allows a man, who wants someone else's wife, to kill the husband, take her and get away with it. Man-made laws cannot be trusted. Only G-d's law can be. Only when there is fear of G-d at the root of law and action is there a basis for trust and a standard upon which to consistently rely. Only when there is fear of Hashem, and action that is only according to His law, can behavior be considered to be right and good. In our context, lacking fear of Hashem causes the failure to behave according to one's G-d given role in life, to its responsibilities and to what life and Torah objectively require at each moment. King Solomon concludes his Biblical book of Ecclesiastes by saying that fear of G-d and keeping His mitzvos are the sum and substance of every human being's life. A Torah counselor will place his first loyalty to G-d and His laws and His all-encompassing wisdom, not the amoral construct and teachings of finite flesh and blood mortals. When conflicts come up between Torah laws or values and the secular process or values of counseling or psychotherapy, the counselor must know relevant halachos or have a rov for guidance in handling each conflict. There are very specific laws about when to and how to correct a person who is not observing halacha. Sometimes, if a client wants to NOT observe certain mitzvos (e.g. transgressing against another person, violating well known de'Oraisos, etc.), the therapist could be obligated by the Torah to give the client tochacha (correction) and not be passive or accepting of the client's wish to transgress halacha or to determine his own observance level. To say that it is not the therapist's place to correct the person can be a serious violation, unless the counselor is under the guidance of a rov and is "building up" at a strategic pace to where the client might be made more ready to accept more Torah correction over time. Further, the Torah is designed by the "Designer" of human nature, G-d. All Torah observance is tied to optimum emotional health. When one has a rigidly resistant reaction to a Torah rule, it is a measure of unhealthiness in the person. The Torah-loyal counselor has no need to feel guilty or torn about requiring observance of halacha for his clients. It is a means of judging the client's psychological health and it gives the client the gift of the healthiest frame of reference there is for living wholesome life. AN OBSERVANT JEWISH CLIENT SHOULD BE FRIGHTENED OF A THERAPIST WHO IS NOT LOYALLY COMMITTED TO TORAH AND YIRAS SHOMAYIM [FEAR OF HEAVEN]. The client's eternity could be compromised or diminished, chass vichalila, by a "non judgmental" therapist. The Vilna Gaon says that one who gives in to his wants or feelings can lose everything [Evven Shlaima]. The Torah is judgmental and psychology is not. When Torah has a judgement about an issue, Torah is absolute, Torah must be "the boss." G-d's Torah is for application throughout life. For example, a businessman must mix halachos into his work (paying debts, proper treatment of workers, honest weights and measures, keeping his word, being a kidush HaShem [sanctification of G-d], honesty, etc.). His emotional adjustment is not a determining factor in his work practices, Torah's obligations are. Similarly, a therapist MUST mix his Torah values in his work, or (s)he is not a Torah Jew. The Chasam Sofer poskined that a medical treatment (for a case with no danger of death) that entails a sin must be avoided. Even when something might be technically permitted, the person might be contaminated in his soul or personality by doing it [Shaalos And Tshuvos, Orach Chayim 83]. The Mishna says not to be viewed as evil in the eyes of G-d for even one moment [Eduyos 5:6]. Being a well-adjusted rasha [evil person, sinner] is not an option. Emotional adjustment is only valid when consistent with Torah. As a practical matter, cases can be complex and the counselor can be confronted with sophisticated halachic judgements which have to be made under the guidance of a rov. For example, if a troubled couple is less religious than the counselor, the priority might have to be stopping the hurtful sins that the spouses perpetrate against one another, rather than striving to bring the couple to a higher level of mitzva observance (although higher levels of observance, e.g. improved davening, midos development and regular Torah study CAN ACTUALLY HELP IMPROVE SHALOM BAYIS! - BESIDES, PROPER TREATMENT OF SPOUSES IS VERY RELIGIOUS BEHAVIOR!). A single woman wanted to come to a male counselor wearing clothes that were not at a halachic level of tzneeyus (modesty). The counselor's rov said that he would accomplish more in the long run to work to help her, get to the point of developing credibility and trust, and then to mention observing halachos of tzneeyus. Each case must be handled individually. However, the Torah must be the basis for determining the course in every case. Sometimes, there might be no "wiggle room" when Torah violations are involved; and leniency, indifference or refraining from action might not be an option. For example, three, recognizing halachic obligations, and in consultation with qualified rabonim, intervened successfully to thwart Torah prohibitions. One stopped an intermarriage. The second stopped a fellow, who wanted to "be fruitful and multiply," from getting a pilegesh [concubine] to have "at least two children with," with no marriage nor kesuba. There was a woman, somewhat desperate for a man, considering the proposition. A third insisted upon the break-up of a marriage in which the wife committed adultery, after a gadol hador [generation leader in halacha, consulted in the case] found no room for leniency and required the break-up. These three "judgmental" individuals are HEROES of the Torah and the Jewish People, who prevented serious breaches of halacha. The Jewish client(s) must be certain that his, her or their counselor is loyal to (or at least respectful of) the Torah, competent and honorable; so that each client's soul, mind and personality are all safe with the counselor. If there are any Torah questions that the counselor cannot be relied upon to handle, the client is responsible to take the question or concern as a shaala to a qualified rov. For everything we do, for every moment we live, we will be accountable to G-d. That includes those in either the client or provider role in counseling. |