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Question: My wife and I have been trying very hard to make the friday night shabbos meal nice for our children. They are aged 1.5, 3.5, and 5. They lately will stay for kiddush and hamotzi however soon after to just can't sit. They are constantly getting up and down and I am constantly getting up and down. They don't want to eat and they are tired. I can mostly get the 5 year old to discuss parsha but the 3 year old I cannot. I am always getting interrupted whatever I am trying to do. I am constantly telling them not to interrupt and let me finish. I feel like I cannot control my anger. I end up getting very upset. They used to like to dance and sing shabbos songs but they won't do that anymore. I don't know what to do. Do you have any advice? A: BS"D It sounds like they are still too young and immature to appreciate what you are trying to accomplish. You risk making them resentful of halacha. At their tender ages, keep them at the table to their limit, but not beyond. If they are in a good Jewish school, and if you optimize the time they spend at the seuda, with them enjoying Torah and zmiros up to their capacity, they will on their own become able to sit longer as their minds mature. Give them time to let their chinuch [education] sink in. Make their stay at the table as enjoyable and nice as possible - in their terms. I would rather you make them love shabos on their own and at their pace, so it will stay with them a lifetime, rather than you make them hate and resent Yiddishkeit and you. It is not worth you getting angry over. You should have patience and self-control. They are not old enough to be responsible to stop acting the way they do. Do not let them see you angry, mean or excited, or they will associate shabos with nastiness and be repelled by it. Make the most of the time they can stay at the table, make it attractive to them. Then, let them see you having a pleasant time for the rest of the seuda after they get up from the table (Torah, zmiros, shalom bayis), so that, as they get older, they will have no reason to resist, fear, hate or resent being at the table. They will gradually agree to stay at the table on their own. Require that they stay a little longer as they get older, perhaps each year when they start a new class (use your judgement according to what their capacity grows to and when they are ready for a litle more). Try to be creative - asking questions on the parsha, loshon hora, chesed, good midos or the alef bais, etc., or ask them to tell what they learned in school or what they know about a given subject). Give prizes, praise, kisses and positive inducements. Never show them anger and be realisitic about the capacity limits and energy that they have at their age. Make them see being at the table a thing they will want to to do on their own - for the long run. If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site. With best wishes, RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE email: shemayisrael.com/rabbiforsythe ---------------------------------- Question: What is the halachic position of a landlord who has a tenant, and receives a better rental offer from another potential tenant. Is the landlord duty bound to go back to the first tenant and invite him to match (or better) the offer made by the other potential tenant, or may the landlord deal directly with the new potential tenant? A: With the Help of Heaven, The Torah says (Deuteronomy 6:18), "You shall do that which is correct and good in the eyes of G-d." The Talmud tells us that one of applications of this Biblical verse is that when a neighbor wants to sell land, he must first offer it to an adjoining neighbor, because this adds value to an adjoining property than if he were to sell it to a stranger. If the land owner decides to sell, or if a stranger makes an offer, the land owner is obligated to advise the neighbor and offer it to him first. The land owner is not obligated to take less money from the neighbor. If the offers are equal, the neighbor gets priority (I would suspect that if the difference were negligible, it would still be proper to favor the neighbor). This fulfills the Biblical obligation to "do what is correct and good in the eyes of G-d." There is also a principle called "oker dira [to uproot one's home]." One may not take lightly to undo someone's residence. This is traumatizing, burdonesome and inhuman. If there is any kind of lease or contract governing terms of the rental, including the amount of rent and duration of tenancy, then the document governs as long as it is in force. Its terms and duration are a mutual commitment by both parties to the other. Further, if a landlord and tenant have a dispute, e.g. the tenant is too noisy or the landlord wants to move a relative in to the apartment, he can take the tenant to bais din [Jewish law court]. If the court evaluates the claims of both sides and then favors the landlord, the tenant has 12 months, from the time of the verdict, to look for a suitable place to move to. If the tenant has been peaceful and responsible, it may be unwise to evict him even when technically permissible, when you may be throwing out a reliable tenant for one who is unproven and may turn out to be destructive, unreliable or annoying. This is a value judgement that can be made only by one's best effort to evaluate and compare the character of the current and prospective tenants. Would you rather have a dollar that is definite on every rent-day or a dollar and a quarter that you may never see? Would you rather have the dollar and a quarter and have to pay half a dollar for repair of damages? Would you rather have a dollar and a quarter and everyone in the neighborhood goes crazy because the tenant plays rock music at full blast, has many friends over continually who tear up the garden or has many energetic children who jump all over and dismantle the building? Such variables and judgements can come into consideration in such a question. These things considered, it would seem to me, relative to your question, that the landlord must actively inform the tenant if there is a better offer. If there is a lease, this is moot until the lease-time has ended. The tenant must be given fair opportunity to maintain his residence and make an offer that matches, or is reasonably close to, the stranger's offer to the landlord. He must be given ample notice, generally 12 months, in the event the tenant will be having to move. Halacha does not ask the owner to unjustifiably lose. In the long run, there will be no greater loss than failing to "do that which is correct and good in the eyes of G-d," to one of His creations, created in His image. Thank you for your email, Rabbi Forsythe ---------------------------------- Q: Rabbi, I've heard that some rabbis prohibit the internet, saying that there are unacceptably filthy things. There are other rabbis who do not reject the internet and even have sites themselves. Please explain. A: BS"D There are many things in this world that can be used for good or bad, with it being dependent upon the use and intentions of the individual using them. As example: money, guns, cars, marriage or the internet. These can be used for good or bad purposes. Guns can protect or murder, money can furnish charity or supporting families responsibly vs. motivating crime and fraud; etc. Rabbi Moshe Feinstein, z'l, was once asked the following question. A New Yorker commuted from Brooklyn to Manhattan by subway. During the summer, many women on the subway are dressed in ways that are far below the modesty standards of Jewish law. The man had to see the immodest women, inadequately clad, on his daily commute. He asked Rav Moshe if he was obligated by Torah law to give up his job, with a substantial sacrifice in his livelihood, to avoid seeing these women every work day on the subway [Brooklyn jobs generally pay at a far lower monetary standard than jobs in Manhattan]. Rabbi Feinstein, z'l, told him that if he enjoyed seeing these women, if he was excited or interested, he was obligated to give up his job and stay off the subway. If he found these women to be ugly and repulsive, he could continue to commute on the subway and keep his livelihood. The man found the women to be disgusting, so he was permitted to keep his livelihood and to ride the subway. While traveling, he kept his eyes in a sefer [reading a Torah book]. I would consider Rabbi Feinstein's da'as Torah comperable to the question of whether or not the intenet is acceptable to the observant Jew. If the spiritual filth or poison which is on the internet interests or arouses a person, it should be forbidden to such an individual. The internet is dangerous to his or her eternal soul. If a person uses the internet for Torah, for merits, for positive practical purposes which have no halachic objection, then it can be a means for achieving enormous good. Rav Feinstein did not say that all summer subway riding is prohibited. I do not believe any da'as Torah can make an all-encompassing statement that the internet is entirely forbidden or evil, any more than any rov says all money is forbidden because some people cheat or steal on account of it. I personally use the intenet for two basic purposes. One, is all which pertains to managing and writing for my site. The other is to check the New York City Transit Authority site. The New York City subway often detours train routes due to track maintenance or emergencies. When I plan to ride the subway to a destination, I sometimes check to see if any of the lines that I plan to use have detours or delays that can affect my trip or punctuality. There is nothing filthy about the Transit Authority site. Pictures around the text are of trains, busses and route maps. My main use of the internet is to spread Torah and help people live with more sanity, peace, happiness and wisdom. Many thousands of people come to my site every month and I can answer personal questions and quandries so people are directed towards better service of G-d's Torah. The Shulchan Aruch [Orech Chayim 231:1], based on Pirkei Avos, requires that all of a person's intentions must be for the sake of Heaven, for serving G-d or for causing the service of G-d. One must always go after the advice and role model of those who are pure and knowledgable in Torah. One must weigh everything he or she does and discern it to be for the service of G-d. One who conducts himself like this in everything he does serves G-d constantly. Therefore, when a Jew uses the internet, it is "kosher" or non-kosher depending on whether it brings him closer to G-d, whether he has proper intent, whether the person has repugnance for the garbage that is on it and avoids looking at anything unacceptable "like the plague," whether it is used for serving G-d or for causing the service of G-d, and with this all being done for the sake of Heaven. Rabbi Forsythe ---------------------------------- Question: How do Jews worship? A: BS"D [With the help of Heaven] Jewish worships is centered around the siddur [prayer book], which literally means the "order." In other words, the prayers and blessings are organized in an order around, for example, the various times of day [morning, afternoon and night], the kinds of days [weekdays, sabbath, holidays, fast days], the various milestones of life [circumcision, marriage] and fulfilling the commandments [blowing the shofar on Rosh HaShanah, lighting the Chanuka candles, reading the Megila on Purim], etc. The prayers basically achieve the functions of praise of G-d and His great attributes, requests for our needs or troubles, and thankful acknowledgement for His kindnesses and benefits to us. The prayer book was written by the prophets, primarily drawing from words and concepts throughout the Hebrew Bible. As such, its contents and composition are very holy. By concentrating on the meaning and intent in the prayers, one can achieve very high level spiritual connection with G-d and elevate his or her life. If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site. Thank you for your letter, RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE ---------------------------------- Question: I have a problem with a close friend of mine. Very often she starts ignoring me and I try very hard to pretend I don't notice and let things go on- usually she acts mean for a small period of time and then she mentions that she was ignoring me or something and then most of the time she refuses to tell me why she was ignoring me. i like shalom- i don't want her to be upset at me or hold things in- but she always holds things in. and she expects me to forgive and forget. it's very frustrating- i want to have a good relationship with her but it's so wishy-washy- one day she ignores me the next she's with me all the time. (she doesn't ignore me so much- maybe once a month- but it's still very hard) also- sometimes i mention something i feel she is doing wrong and she always says don't give me musar- why are you giving me musar? i don't give you musar. but isn't that what close friends are for- giving each other musar and helping each other become better? i want to improve myself but it doesn't seem like she wants to impove herself or help me improve. what do you think i should do? A: BS"D Dec. 21, 00 Firstly, the mitzva of giving mussar [correction] is only when the other person is mekabel [accepting]. To force it on her is no mitzva. Maybe you are not doing it with the right tone. Do you speak in private, gently and starting out by saying that your really care about her and ask permission if you can say something you notice that might help her? If she is not receptive, the mitzva is to say nothing. Second, if it's once a month, could it be when she is having her period or premenstrual discomfort? Maybe you should just back off, let her know you are available [something like, "When you have a chance, give me call"], so there is no pressure, while assuring her of your friendship and interest. I would really need to know how old the two of you are and what maturity level would be expected. In the absence of knowing more, all you can do is try to find out if there is anything you do to get on her nerves or, if that is not the reason, is there anything you can do to make her feel better? If she does not want to communicate or work on improving the imperfections of your relationship, realize the relationship has imperfections, be the best friend you can under the circumstances, maintain your standards and leave her self-perfection to her, if and when she is ready. When she is not available, find useful things to use the time so you won't feel bad. Be available, not controlling. If you are doing your best, that is all G-d wants. Her avoda [work] is up to her. If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site. With best wishes, RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE email: shemayisrael.com/rabbiforsythe ---------------------------------- Question: I was raised in a very liberal household wherein my parents did not enforce many religious customs or traditions. I did attend Hebrew night school for several years and of course we observed the high holidays, and my brothers and I were bar mitvah'd, but outside of those boundaries formal Judaism did not play a large role in our lives. My father was raised orhodox and followed that path up until his mid-twenties when he met my nonpracticing mother. In our household my father's knowledge and understanding of our faith, although he no longer practiced frequently was a substitue to going to synagogue and prayer. My problem now is that as a student removed from my home I feel a spiritual hole that I realize must be filled. Prayer appears to me to be the obvious answer, but coming from a not very religious family I am unsure about where to start or go. Do I begin showing up at shul for morning prayers without truly knowing what to do? I do not think that what I am experiencing is in any way unique, I believe that many adolescents have inclinations to become more religious than their parents, but I am confused as to where to go to pursue that objective. Thank you for your time. A: With Heaven's help, Dec. 21 Dear Daniel, Prayer is important but you must know how to do it. Yes, start praying with a minyan, one sympathetic to your need to learn. You are fortunate to live in a location in which there are very many good Orthodox shuls, a supportive community and adult education and outreach institutions. Make the rounds, try them out. You can find learning programs and friendly people to associate yourself with, and get help from [e.g. following the prayer services, saying the correct responses at the right time, understanding the meaning] and use them as role models. If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site. With best wishes, RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE email: shemayisrael.com/rabbiforsythe ---------------------------------- Question: Dear Rabbi Forsythe, First of all I'd like to tell you that I am REALLY impressed by your website - it's amazing to find a Rabbi who is so psychologically insightful and knowledgeable. So here's my problem: I'm a baalat teshuva in my very early 20's, been "frum"ish for about 2-3 years. During this time I've become familiar with the frum circle of girls in my community who I really like and would like to resemble "IDEALLY" (I'm using this word with reference to your website's comment about the large gap between one's ideals re: marriage and reality and real needs), but who I just sometimes find a little too perfect and holy for me! I have a problem with trying to build up ideal worlds for myself, both pre- and post- baalat teshuva-ness and have recently realized that maybe it would be healthier and more realistic to accept some of my faults and not be SO perfect religiously (I know you won't like this part, and I AM firmly committed to Torah and mitzvot, see myself as always being shomer shabbos totally and kosher etc. I just think I was trying to spin a bit of a new utopia for myself a bit in this obsession with perfect FRUMKEIT.) Okay, so in reference to this background, my "love pro!blems".... I am so hungry for love!!!! BUT I'm pretty sure I'm not ready for marriage at least for another year or two. After a year of spinning fantasies about finding my bashert and having a wonderful huge frum wedding within six months, (which I kinda knew probably wasn't being very honest with myself) I actually dated a guy for more than two dates...and liked him, so dated him a few more times. I did/do like this guy in a lot of ways, but there are faults with him that I see and to be honest don't know if this is THE man I'd be prepared to marry. Or maybe he is... But basically, while dating him (the first realistic dating/relationship for me for quite a while, INCLUDING before my religious days...) I realized that I was so HAPPY just DATING, just being in a casual, fun, interesting relationship with a normal, decent person who was interested in me, and that I was NOT really so interested in building up toward marriage or getting serious. This guy is in his late 20's and while ! not as religious as me, with less Jewish background and education, IS looking for marriage within the next year or so (although he's not of the three date engagement type at all). So basically I now know that I am NOT ready for marriage or for a very serious relationship yet. And realizing this, I broke it off because although I wouldn't mind being selfish and continuing it for my own pleasure, I didn't want to hurt him or lead him on or waste his time. PROBLEM IS: WHAT DO I DO NOW?? Having had a taste of "love" (in the less serious, cheesy sense), I WANT MORE!! But I know this isn't kosher to date without the aim of marriage. However, being a student of psychology too and knowing myself and having a bit of a foot in both religious and secular worlds, AND having seen friends in the frum world truly think they've "found" their Bashert etcetera only to realize they've made big mistakes and almost ruined their lives, I have become somewhat cynical about the religious style of dating and marriage preparation, at least for the Baal teshuva who did not grow up with that concept, and thus was not psychologically prepared for never dating anyone and then getting engaged in three dates at age twenty. I think although possibly dangerous this system may work fine for FFB's, but for me, it is a VERY dangerous and self-deceptive leap. So: I have had, before becoming frum, unusually little dating/relationship etcetera experience, because I think I was traumatized a bit or scared and a bit shy and socially inept. I really feel deeply, and felt while dating this one guy, that the problem was I was trying to leap ahead, skip all the gradual, healthy steps, to this big capital-M Marriage and Commitment, when really I am so fixated at a very early stage!! So I feel that I need to fill in those stages a bit even though I know you will tell me they are sinful and not kosher and shouldn't be an option. But realistically, I think prior relationship, experience is necessary to someone who has been raised in that psychological mindset. I'm not ready for marriage now or within six months to a year. So I either A. Be a good frum girl and sit on my hands for two years until I somehow magically "mature" to be ready for prince charming to fall out of the sky for me (problematic both because I don't know if I have that kind of restraint and also because I'm not getting younger and realize it's not so instantaneous and perfect finding your bashert). OR, option B. Stray a bit from halacha maybe, and have some not-extremely sexual normal,casual relationships (not just flings) to fill in the gaps, so I won't be equally immature and naive in two years from now when my urge to have children becomes utterly unbearable and marriage more urgent. I'm not sure if I should have written this letter because as a Rabbi you're probably going to tell me a big no for option number two and just to have bitachon and "work on myself", but sorry, I don't know if that's pragmatic, particularly in light of my inclination to idealism and self-deception which has in the past always led to disaster. Sorry this letter is so long and I hope I haven't been insulting to the frum way of dating or to you personally, I have great respect for Torah and am very attached to it, and have great respect for you after reading through this website. I just dont' know whether the "frum" dating philosophy will work for me at this point in my life.. Thank you for any advice you can give and please accept my apology again if I have in any way offended you or Chas V'shalom caused a chillul hashem... signed, conflicted in canada. A: BS"D Dec 21 Dear Conflicted in Canada, You are expressing normal emotions and a normal state of conflict between the two worlds in which you lived, the secular upbringing and the commitment to Torah. Naturally, I have to tell you it is assur to "meander" with men and that choice is not a valid option. With respect to the part of your question about coping till you manage to become ready to marriage, there is where I see the practical solution. What kind of support system do you have? Do you have "kosher" friends? It is vitally important to have frum people, good rabbis and teachers, peers, people to go for shabos & yom tov, people to be inspired by, people to keep stimulated by and to learn from, not just classes but also midos and spiritual values and chizuk. You can get "kosher human input" through them. You must go to classes regularly, if not frequently. Read all the Torah you can about love and relationships, learn why things are the way they are in the Torah. Every thing has wisdom and reason - and is the will of G-d. Too have emotions is normal but to not to be able to control them is not healthy. The yaitzer hatov should be strong enough to enable you to do what is right, if you choose to, and exert yourself and fight the yaitzer hora. If you are too restless or love-starved to be able to control and discipline yourself, there may be something deeper that needs exploration with a counselor. Marriage requires being ready in so many areas: self-awareness, responsibility to practical duties and to family, being emotionally settled, being able to compromise and give of yourself. It is not merely "food for love starvation." This is pie-in-the-sky. Running around only tends to unsettle people, rather than get them closer to stability and commitment. It reinforces the wrong patterns. Being a student of psychology is no guarantee that you can apply it to yourself. I've seen too many who can analyze others and they mess their own lives up royally. Being a student of Torah lets you know how G-d made us. There is more truth and wisdom there. As to your fear of the "frum dating process," it keeps you focused and on the point. If a person does not know him or herself, or just goes by Yeshivish brainwash or social pressure to marry a resumee instead of a person and chooses a person by relatively shallow and externally imposed criteria, sure there can be a breakdown in the quality of mate selections. This is NOT intrinsic to Torah. You should never marry someone before you are sure that you can love, respect, get along with, stay with and share life with that person. If it is too short, the dating process can be flawed. If it takes too long, the person isn't "put together" enough to be ready for a serious relationship. There has to be a balance. Do you know of Aish HaTorah? Phone the Toronto branch of Aish HaTorah, a world-wide Orthodox Judaism school for beginners. Tell one of the head rabbis what you told me and ask how to fit into the learning programs and in particular how to start integrating Judaism into your "spiritual gap" to "fill it up." The office number is: 905 764 1818. The following excellent English-language books more fully describe the laws and/or background of Family Purity, a most vital part of Torah, of Jewish life and of the Jewish marriage. The first four are distributed by Feldheim Publishers, 200 Airport Executive Park, Spring Valley NY 10977. The first two concentrate on practical laws. The next two delve into the role in marriage and the conceptual underpinnings of Family Purity. The fifth item is a series of three booklets which describe Family Purity practice in very concrete terms for every day life. The sixth is a brilliant, clearly written, description of the mikva and its special waters. PRACTICAL LAW CONCEPTUAL UNDERPINNINGS & ROLE IN MARRIAGE The above books address classic issues and laws pertaining to Family Purity. In addition, there is available a three-booklet series on Family Purity law, written (and privately published) by Rav Chaim Krauss, a contemperary posaik (Torah law decider) and dayan (Torah court judge). His concise, yet, comprehensive booklets - each of which takes on a particular aspect of Family Purity law - address modern questions and applications to contemporary circumstances. Although mostly in English, the set contains some Hebrew words. You would have to know some Hebrew. ABOUT THE MIKVA Kaplan, Aryeh. Waters Of Eden - The Mystery Of The Mikva. New York: National Conference Of Synagogue Youth (of the Orthodox Union), '76 If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site. With best wishes, RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE email: shemayisrael.com/rabbiforsythe [the following is another letter from the above person, responding to my reply] Dear Rabbi Forsythe, I am taking you up on your offer to write back. First I want to thank you deeply for taking my 'letter' seriously, and for spending time answering it so fully and completely, even looking up book references and giving me the number of Aish HaTorah -- the phone number seems to be for the Aish location right in my neighborhood!... so I may just call. Now for the bad part of this letter.. I've already fallen off the wagon. So much for will power. I'm seeing someone right now and we're not shomer negiah. I know this is a terrible thing in your eyes and it has nothing to do with your advice -- I just opened your email today, (after avoiding my email for a couple weeks...)... SO... I know its assur but I feel like I need this now.. I'm not having sex with him, I won't do that before marriage (I know this is still bad), and we've decided to try to abstain from fooling around during my 'nidah' period -- even though obviously its an artificial act because i'm not going to the mikvah, etc. we're not married and are already doing wrong...But at least this will be a tiny fence of some kind.. We're also being very careful not to transgress the "spilling seed on ground" prohibition.. Maybe I'll get it out of my system soon and be able to be a nice frum girl again soon.. I have waves of guilt but my yetzer hara has pretty much taken over... he's a baal teshuva and has done things before in his 'previous life'. The point is I know this is WRONG WRONG WRONG but I seem to be doing it anyways. PLEASE don't quote scary verses against promiscuity/ pre-marital sexual activity to me, punishments of death etc. to me because they will just scare the wits out of me but I will continue what i'm doing anyway, and will thus merit a more serious punishment... OH boy, I don't know why I'm writing you this, it will probably just make you depressed and give me extra guilt pangs that I will more powerfully ignore... Sorry I have failed you and G-D and my religion...I'm not sure what to do religiously... I'm still doing the frum thing - wearing skirts, davening as usual, eating kosher, learning a bit, keeping shabbos, walking the walk in public, but my guilt and rebelliousness is seeping into this other stuff. I am keeping on with my compartmentalization although I know the other parts of my religous life are suffering, but I still want to be religous and Jewish and so I'm keeping on with the religious habits.. I have some solid wonderful frum families, friends etc. as potential support systems but I find myself play-acting perfect innocence before them, and not telling them what I'm doing... They're more like lofty role models that I admire but dont really think i can/want to aspire too..I'm not close enough with them or confident enough in their abilty to understand, to know where I'm coming from, to have the quality that I could EVER tell them I'm fooling around and loving it and what to do...They'd probably ban me from their houses, children and learning groups, pack me off to a rabbi for brainwashing or do a major holier-than-thou act on me. You can see that my rebellion is beginning to fester in me a bit and is breeding general feelings of antipathy to being told not to...I have one frum friend, my best friend, who I have told (though not to the full extent) - she is great but freaked out at first and was horrified but in a humourous way...She's great, doesn't approve but I can talk to her... On one hand I feel major religious guilt and fear re: punishment, and think about getting back on the path, but then on the other hand what's the point of seeking out a rabbi to tell him that I've decided not to listen to him? Because right now I think I'll stick with this for a bit... Well, sorry for being a bad person and for upsetting you...I think your Jewish Press column is great and its good to know there is a place to talk or ask help for in these areas, which I may have to do soon or after I get over this thing... I will maybe get in touch with the school you recommended. I probably shouldn't have told you about this, there's another sin in my books... I should tell you that I am seeing a therapist for general psychological issues for about 3 yrs, but haven't had a session since this thing began, -- hopefully when I do see my psych. this week he will be able to guide me too.. Thank you very much for your help and sorry again - Can I ask you mechila for telling you this non-kosher stuff? (although I know I've got bigger eggs to fry now in the mechila area..) -C. in C. A: BS"D Dear Conflicted in Canada, The longer an unrestrained couple continue seeing each other, the further nature has them go. Aside from this, the nature of the man-woman intimate relationship is that the desire goes up and the will power goes down. Things go further and further. Just one time, just a little bit, I'll respect you in the morning, I can't help myself. How would you feel about yourself and this boy, if you "slipped," and went further than you expect? Your plan will not happen unless you and your boy-friend both take phenobarbital each day by the bucket-full. It defies nature. It is an illusion to say "no seed will spill," or that you can precisely control the extent to which physical involvement will develop. This will only work for a few days or a couple of weeks. Even married couples have limitations when the wife is a nida because halacha recognizes both the force and rationalizing-power of the pull between man and woman. If a woman is raped, she often becomes willing later in the act because the desire grows even when she is forced by a stranger. The Talmud takes up a serious question, deriving from this. If a married woman has relations by force, she is innocent. If she has relations by will, she is adulterous and subject to all consequences. The Talmud asks, suppose she is raped and, over the course of the act she becomes willing - is she adulterous or innocent? The gemora concludes, if she started being forced (e.g. unwilling, resistant, screaming, fighting him off) and ends up willing, she is innocent...because that is the nature of the female that the further things proceed, the more she wants. Your ideas are very naive and evade realities of your own nature. You remind me of a segment I wrote in one of my articles, which I quote. The context is marriage but it seems to apply to your situation. "Children often grow up feeling rejected by their parents and develop unhealthy need for social approval instead of having inner emotional security. The emotional pressure for approval blocks them from acting on the basis of right and wrong. When they marry, they come to feel secure with their spouse, to take him or her for granted. Since they do not feel starved for the other's approval, they do not think about behaving towards the spouse in terms of right and wrong, decency, kavod habrios [human dignity] or mature responsibility. They act in adult life from what their unresolved childish emotions pressure them to gratify." Is your psych frum, is he or she a yoray Shomayim, who asks a rov shaalos? The last thing you need is a secular psychologist who will tell you to be well-adjusted, liberated or indulgent. You understand the practical risks of your "policy:" pregnancy or disease or feeling cheap later on, about yourself and/or the boy. At classes and functions at Aish, you can meet people who have been through similar routes and who are at various stages of tshuva. You can hear what works for various people, how people compare the emptiness of their former lives and their "Torah selves." Hear how women in similar circumstances proceeded to higher places, what really gave them satisfaction and self-respect, inner calm and sense of purpose in life. Perhaps meanwhile, just stay on the derech. I'd rather you stay on the road the best you can, than overload and then run away altogether. Keep up as much as you can with learning, observance and keeping with good spiritual people. Read the books I recommended, or in some similar way, study and gradually absorb what the Torah says on these subjects, with the wisdom and reasoning behind it. Do as much as you can Jewishly and recognize that you should, at the very least consider yourself on a journey to a holy life. Don't give up. If you are not there yet, keep coming gradually closer. The prophet says "Return until Hashem." Why "until," not the proposition "to" Hashem? Different people have different distances to travel to repentance. Each has to keep returning, doing whatever each has to do, UNTIL he or she gets to Hashem. If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site. With best wishes, RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE email: shemayisrael.com/rabbiforsythe ---------------------------------- Question: I am soon to be re-married. It has been many years since I was married. I remember that when the woman has her nida, full relations are forbidden. Does this restriction include being affectionate or intimate with my wife also? Thank You A: BS"D Dec. 21 When your wife is nida, you may not touch her in any way. You must put a baby or things down on an intermediary surface, for example a table or piece of furniture, not handing anything directly or making contact, other than for inescapable medical necessities where there is no one else available (e.g. a female neighbor might help her when she is sick, G-d forbid or a male to help you, where this saves avoidable contact). There is an entire set of halachos governing behavior during nida, until the wife has immersed in a mikva. [see the many English books on these subjects in the question/answer above]. Mazal Tov, Rabbi Forsythe ---------------------------------- Question: If I turn the radio on before Shabbat, am I allowed to keep listening to it throughout Shabbat? Why do Jews keep to all the laws? Reform Jews don't keep to all the laws, but which ones do they keep to? Do Jewish children have more holiday time than English children? A: With the help of Heaven Dec. 21 Dear Amy, From the standpoint of malacha [prohibited sabbath activity] you could technically turn on your radio before shabat and leave it on. But, there is another problem called "uvda dechol [weekday activity] which is a seperate prohibition. There is another problem called "mashmeeya kol [causing a sound in a non-sabbath way]." Since listening to the radio is a secular weekday type of activity, and it causes non-sabbath sounds, you should not do this, even by turning the radio on before shabat and even if you leave it run without touching it throughout the sabbath. Jews keep all the laws because G-d revealed the Torah to our people at Mount Sinai and commanded us to keep everything in the Torah, all of the commandments, laws and ethics. It is a "package deal." It is not for "picking and choosing." For that reason, what Reform Jews do is not relevant, since the essence is keeping the entire Torah. The holidays are a part of the Torah. I do not know how much time off English children have. The issue for Jewish children is that they observe the holidays, just like all of the commandments, because these are part of the Torah. By steadily studying the Torah one can come to understand the meaning, lessons and requirements of all of its teachings. If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site. With best wishes, RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE email: shemayisrael.com/rabbiforsythe ---------------------------------- Question: Given long-distance relationships (eg, 6hr drive; 1.25hr flight) are difficult to maintain, are there any proactive steps one take to ensure that a "good match" doesn't evaporate in the distance that separates the two parties? A: BS"D Dec. 21, '00 If the relationship shows good promise, of course you should be proactive. Use mail, phone, email, send presents or cards, things that show you are thinking of each other and keep contact and interest alive. Make dates count, make trips last as long as possible to counteract the long spans between get togethers. Work on the quality of the relationship, which is much more important and significant than quantity. Try to build communication, get to know each other, how to appreciate, be supportive, be your true selves. Talk about what really matters in your lives, who you are where you want to go with your lives. Dwell on subjects that define whether you can build a common life together and please each other in the process. If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site. With best wishes, RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE email: shemayisrael.com/rabbiforsythe ---------------------------------- Question: BS"D Dear Rabbi Forsythe, I have not been davening from a siddur for very long, and this morning I was wondering to which offering Shacharis corresponds. In the days when the Temple stood, what offering was given in the morning? Thank you! A: BS"D Dec. 21, '00 The morning prayer corresponds to the korban tamid of the morning. Best wishes, Rabbi Forsythe ---------------------------------- Dear Rabbi Forsythe: In your website's section on ''personal growth'' there is the story of how the Chofetz Chaim became who he was, namely by working on himself rather than changing the world, his town, etc. I have told this thought to people with whom I learn in the name of R' Yisrael Salantar but perhaps I am wrong. Is this thought brought in one of the Chofetz Chaim's seforim to which I could refer them? Thank you and all the best with your work for Klal Yisrael, A: BS"D Dec. 21 Dear Yosef, The Chafetz Chayim said this when he was asked to be keynote speaker at the first Agudath Israel convention in Vienna in 1923. This was not, to my knowledge, in any book. It was when the Chafetz Chayim was very old and, I believe, was past writing books. He told this "live" to his audience. With best wishes, Rabbi Forsythe ---------------------------------- Question: Two things - do you have to give Mayser on money you get as a gift? Also - is nail polish a chatzizah for washing if it's freshly applied (not cracked)? Thanks! A: BS"D Dec. 22 Dear Sara, Money from parents, whether living or via inheritance does not require mayser. Other forms of gifts can vary and sometimes be considered income, in which case they could be liable to mayser. It would be a case by case question. Nail polish is always a chatzitza. Being fresh is no help whatsoever. The mikva water must make complete contact with the body for the immersion to be valid. An experienced mikva lady should check out all questions before allowing immersion and the mikva should have a phone connection to an on hand rov for any questions. It is very serious that the immersion be proper and valid 100%. If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site. With best wishes, RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE email: shemayisrael.com/rabbiforsythe [the following is a continuation of the previous] Q: Thank you for your previous answers, but I guess I have to clarify my questions. The first question was meant to ask about checks my son got as Bar Mitzvah presents. Does he have to give mayser on them? The second question was about nail polish. I wondered if it was a Chatzizah for washing netilas Yodoyim, not the Mikvah. Believe me, I take everything off perfectly for the mikvah - you have to!! Looking forward to your answers when you have the time. Happy Chanukah! A: BS"D Dec. 24 Dear Sara, Presents for a bar mitzva are somewhat compensatory for the expenses of making the simcha and are such are not really considered income. You can consider such money exempt from mayser. Nail polish is, for netilas yadayim, a problem when it is cracked. Women tend to be makpid about their nail polish looking neat, orderly and attractive. For netilas yadayim, when the polish is new and smooth, it is not a chatzitza since this is a normal way of women; and when it is chipped or messy it is a chatzitza. This only applies for netilas yadayim - for mikva, any physical separation from the water is not acceptable. You must always be very clear, specific and precise when asking a shaaloh. The answer comes on the basis of how the question is put. The one asking bears responsibility for effectively conveying the question. May Hashem bless you for your concern about keeping His Torah. Happy Chanuka and mazal tov on your son's bar mitzva. May your family see much nachas and simcha from him. Rabbi Forsythe ---------------------------------- Good evening, I am bothering you because I know a woman that is being abused physically and emotionally from a man that said he is Jewish and he read in the Torah that women are serpents and have to be treated badly, he also said that the Torah said "woman is an incubator, just to have children" I have my Torah here and I can't find the place where it talks about the treatment of the wife in the marriage. I found some verse with the help of your site but I haven't found too much. I would like to get the places in the Torah where it talk about the women/wife, so I can find it on my Spanish Torah, since she doesn't speak English. I really want to give her the way to make her husband treat her with respect as a Jewish men does. She is not Jewish and I am sure he is not either but he is using the Torah to torture her. [he is one in the Black sect that said he is the real Jewish people] Thanks for you answer and Happy Hanukah A: BS"D It is very nice of you to want to help your friend. I do not believe it is best to approach the situation the way you want to. The Torah only talks about treating a wife nicely and with respect, never with cruelty or insult, as you can see in several places on my site. It sounds like the man you describe is crazy. If he is abusing the woman as you describe, it sounds like a matter for the police, not for religious debate. If you get involved, and if he is crazy, it may become dangerous for you. Since neither are Jewish, you do not have any obligation to get involved as a religious moderator. Use my site if need Torah sources for your question. Encourage her to either leave him or to have the law protect her from harm. Sincerely, Rabbi Forsythe ---------------------------------- Q: Rabbi Forsythe, I was wondering if you do counseling anywhere other than Brooklyn. I live in NJ but go to school in Midtown Manhattan. I still have some important details to work out before actually being able to go for counseling (such as working around parents, etc...) But I'm coming to the realization that it may be helpful. A: BS"D Dec. 24 Brooklyn is my only counseling location. People come to me from many places, including Massachusetts, Rhode Island, Pennsylvania, Canada, various places in New Jersey (e.g. Morristown, Lakewood, Passaic), various places in New York (e.g. Monsey, Long Island, the boroughs of New York City). Hatzlacha and frailichen Chanuka. If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site. With best wishes, RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE email: shemayisrael.com/rabbiforsythe ---------------------------------- Question: Shalom Rebbe, MY question is about a shidduch situation i am [ or was, rather] in. I should tell you first that i am 26 years old, a universtiy [YU] graduate who has been learning in the YU kollel for the last 4 years [and loving it!] and hope to continue as long as possible. In truth I was perusing the site and have found the answers quite deep and logical and have decided to write about my situation. I note that the site says that Rebbe is at times available for counseling and i am wondering if i could come in for some personal counseling about this and other things on my mind regarding shidduchim/life/hashkafa/direction questions that i have. I will try to condense the story as much as possible. Last May i started to date a wonderful girl who wanted a 'learning' guy. We had three dates, then she flew back to Israel where she was a madricha in a girls seminary [She had come to NY for Pesach]. The three dates were very promising, so I decided to wait the five weeks it would take till she returned and continue dating her [without dating others in the meantime]. We wrote each other emails in the meantime and things were progressing nicely. We then continued dating for a long, long while [too long!] with a few ups and downs, -for almost 6 months when we broke up [not very cleanly either] as I will explain soon. What was the problem? For her i ASSUME nothing. We were basically happy together, got along great, same life goals and basic hashkafot. we had very differnet backgrounds though. We are both Sefaradi but my family is much more 'academically' oriented while hers is not at all. Also, she [and her family] are baalei teshuva while we are not. All this would not bother me since i basically found her to be the best girl i had ever known...and we were very very close emotionally. The problem was the following - throughout our dating [really in the middle for a month -and then towards the ends- i always got the feeling that she was just not educated or well read enough...to the point that it bothered me. I forgot to mention she is a 20 year old girl fresh out of two years in seminary in Israel right after High school and is now in computer school in Agudah's COPE. Her family and she are very uneducated, not well read AT ALL. i.e her spelling and vocabulay are terrible and she seems to know nothing of things i took for granted as the 'basics' i.e the basics in history, maths, science etc. which to my great discomfort, i found her lacking. But i did not split off because 1) she herself was a wonderful Bat -Torah. learning and learned -trying very hard and with Excellent midot. 2) i could never "figure out" her brain. she has a good memory and 'chaps' things well but only sometimes....just sometimes the gaffs she makes make me very uneasy....i dont feel its gaava or something similar, its just that i felt an educational or more precisely an intellectual gap between us. i didnt find her to be intellectually curious. and in truth, she is very involved in sports as is her whole family. we broke up some three months ago and though i have dated some others since, i still think of her VERY OFTEN. Dating for me is difficult i find becasue in my circles i find it very hard to find 'kollel girl' type personality -i.e someone with a great love for Torah and the kollel lifestyle. I am always considering trying it again, calling her again and even tested and tried to do so but retracted -which resulted in confusing her not a bit, so that she is very angry at my ' games' and not very 'mentch' like behavior. I am not sure now how or if to proceed. Was she the one ? Was i being too strict in my feelngs? did i misjudge? i always think it is possible. We dated for a long time and i feel that i didn't propose only because of this issue really. [ though i was tempted to do so not a few times]. So now i ask of Rebbe- did i err? should i try again? or let her go for eternity? I am not 'hooked' up well with the kollel community so dating that type as i mentioned for me is rare. I am not sure what other details to include. As i said, if it is possible for personal counseling with Rebbe, that would be much appreciated. Though there are many Rabbeim here ,for personal reasons, i would like an outside opinion. Thank you very much for your help. Shalom Ubracha A: BS"D Jan 2 The Ran (one of the Rishonim) asks: when Avraham send Eliezer to Padan Aram to look for a shidduch for Yitzchak, he was sending him to a land of ovday avoda zara. Kena'an was also a land of ovday ovoda zara. What was the difference that Avraham told Eliezer not to take a girl from Kena'an and only to take a girl from Padan Aram? Weren't both nations the same? Either way, Eliezer would come back with an idolotor. Whay make him go "davka" 500 miles across a hot desert to Padan Aram? The Ran answers that there was a BIG difference between the idolotors of Kena'an and the idolotors of Padan Aram. In Kena'an, the people were lacking in midos (character traits). In Padan Aram, the people were lacking in dayos (knowledge). When someone is lacking in midos, there is no working with them. When someone is lacking in dayos, but has midos, just supply new teaching and you can work with the person. If the girl's midos (who you wrote me about) were good, if there was enough attraction, compatibility of hashkofa and direction, then it seems you may have broken up unecessarily. The gemora in Kidushin says that the reason we must see someone before marrying is to assure that you can fulfill "vi'ahavta lirayacha kimocha [love your fellow Jew as yourself]" with the person you marry. I do not know if you could reconcile accepting the things that you objected to. If you could not overcome being "turned off," then she is not for you. If her primary qualities are suitable, if there are no significant negatives or dysfunction, and if you come come to appreciate the positives enough to overlook and forget about the negatives, then there is what to base further exploration on, at least from your side. I do not know what she is thinking. You must be fair to her, be a "mentsh," and you must take her feelings and dignity seriously. You must never make her feel cheap or like she is being played with. Chazal require extreme kavod for a bas Yisroel who keeps Torah. As to your parents, in the laws of kibud av ve'aim [honoring parents], Ashkenazim do not require accommodating the parents. If parents say to marry or not marry someone, you may choose as you wish and marry the one who is suitable for you. Since this is a Rema [in the Shulchan Aruch, who governs Ashkenazi p'sak halacha - if I recall, the Mechaber does not mention this, so, I do not know if the Sefardi minhag is the same or not]. My suspicion is that you would only be obligated to heed wise advice or life experience [e.g. if they said she is not right for you for a valid reason or they said thay have solid information that there is something wrong like a mental or physical illness or criminal record or evil midos]. Could you call a Sefardi posek just to ask how your community holds regarding this question LE'HALACHA on kibud av ve'aim when there is conflict betwen what a parent wants and who the child sees fit to marry. Perhaps get back to me with the tshuva. Not being well read does not concern as much as: does make herself "well read" in Torah? What does she spend her time doing? Does she work on herself? Does she get along with people, especially at times of stress or nesayone [test, provocation]? How well does she communicate? How are her midos? Does she have a rov for direction instead of deciding right and wrong, or halacha, for herself? Is her family psychologically normal? Your typing is not too good - you made many typos - how would you feel if she rejected you over your typing? How intrinsic to you, how representative of your qualities as a human being or Torah Jew should she consider your typing to be? Do you marry someone for their spelling, or how good a spouse, parent and eved Hashem they will be? I could see being "well read" in secular terms to be chisaron [shortcoming], since the mind can be more filled with tuma [impurity] and sheker [falsehood]. Don't you want someone with temimus [pure devotion to Hashem], laiv tov [a good heart] and da'as Torah [acts by Torah instruction], someone who spends her time on Torah [learning what pertains to her and supporting a husband's learning], avoda [prayer and working on herself] ugmilus chasadim [active kindness]? Isn't this what should matter to someone who claims to love learning and who chooses to stay in it for half a decade longer than he might have to? If she is 20, it might be she needs a little more maturing, and perhaps you might too. I don't know you well enough to say to go further, to wait and try at a future time, or to forget her and move on. Based on your email, I can only give some criteria and priorities to try to sort out, to guage what you might best decide for yourself. My sense from what you wrote is there is enough there to merit more exploration, that there is nothing in what you write about her that is objectively bad, and that you ought to NOT "write her off," but I can't discern if the two of you are ready or not for "another round" just yet. If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site. With best wishes, RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE email: shemayisrael.com/rabbiforsythe [the following is a continuation] Question: Shalom Rebbe, Thank you for replying to my letter so quickly. I very much appreciate it. In regards to what Rebbe said, i just want to add the following. Rebbe is right in that i would not like to be judged by my typing abilities or any other external matters. In truth, what worried me most about this girl is my fear of us being on different intellectual and intelligence levels. I noted while reading an article on Rebbe's site that Rebbe mentions that a couple should have a similar or nearly similar level of intelligence. I just wonder if we do...It really hurt me a lot throughout our dating that i was always doubting her in some sense. In every other 'spiritual' area she was excellent -her midos, her working on herself -she is much more advanced than me in these areas. My reference to her education and perhaps how 'well read' she is or is not are just symptoms of what i suspected bothered me - level of intelligence. I also wanted to ask another question pertaining to kollel life. I had once dated a girl who i would call a 'flaming torch' of Torah - who wanted to immediately [after marriage] pick up and move to Yerushalaim where her husband would learn and she would become a Torah teacher. She, in her words, was not only not afraid of 'poverty' but 'wanted it'. Her derech was to basically survive by being super mitztamtzem as much as possible; and live with "nothing" literally on a few vegetables and bread if needed, basically forever. mayim and melach mamash. This previous girl, on the other hand, also wants her husband to learn. but is frightened by the prospect of undue hardship and sacrifice. She wants her husband to learn till it gets 'too tough' in which case he should go work immediatly. But, she is very practical and realistic and so decided to enroll in COPE to study computers to support the family. My question is- which derech is the correct one? i do try to give everything i have to be able to learn. I have given up a bit to do so. Though i can't say much via email all i can say is that I let go of a promising career in order to learn, so a little or maybe more than a little hardship do not at least IN THEORY bother me. i am willing to sacrifice and live on much less than anything my parents could ever imagine. but what should be my viewpoint? should i view everything 'practically' as does this last girl or just totally ideologically, as did the other girl. i feel that i am in the middle somewhere. but i am looking for hadracha on this issue which has plagued me not a bit. Its hard for me to imagine leaving the Torah world for things i dont care for nor want but at times i feel a kind of 'fear' of just flying off into the 'unknown' of Israel with no real support; I thank Rebbe for any advice that can be given. I should tell Rebbe that i am just looking for answers to personal questions of this type i.e to really find my derech and to find hadracha as well. Though i know Rabbeim, some better and some not as well, i have never found a Rebbe that I felt could guide me in these and other [life/hashkafa/derech] matters. Again, Thank you very much for adive Rebbe can supply. Shalom Uvracha, A: BS"D Jan 4 Intelligence differentials matter and can impact level of fulfillment but this has to be judged in the context of the QUALITY of "other than intellectual" characteristics. If you can't communicate, can't manage practical functioning, if you are really "turned off," the intellectual differences could matter. On the other hand, if she brings out your good qualities, challenges you to be your best self, inspires you to learn or grow or be a better potential Jew and father, those would be significant positives that should not be discounted too quickly. Many of the conversation topics after marriage have to do with taking out the garbage, a baby's earache, what yeshiva to send a child to, who will shop for a pound of tomatoes. A cooperative partner is more valuable there than a rocket science intellect. How much intellectual-difference is there versus compatibility-potential? Which really comes out mattering more, what is the level of positive versus negative for LONG RUN consideration? Before I go into the next question about a kolel marriage, I do have to point out that your typing is filled with so many errors that I cannot understand many words. I have to ask you read any email before you send and correct it to be readable and clear. I can't make out much of your question, so I will be brief with what I think I understand. The girl who wants poverty is probably unrealistic or mentally ill. After a child or two or three, she probably won't even remember she ever said such nonsense. She will probably feel she got in over her head and crack up. It is one thing to have spiritual priorities, be willing to sacrifice and be devoted to Hashem and His Torah. Choshen Mishpat [in the Code of Law] says that if someone wants to have pain, death or injury, they are out of their mind. She is probably not normal and certainly not practical. She more likely needs aliya to a psychiatrist than eretz haKodesh. The girl learning computers sounds much more healthy - and much more capable of truly supporting a Torah-learning husband. Practicality for the sake of Torah is not negative, it is very generous and mature. This is on condition that your learning is with integrity, hasmada and seriousness. You have to evaluate what degree of a woman's effort on her side matches the degree of effort you will truly contribute. You must be fair and honest, and run your life by da'as Torah and Yiras Shomayim. You should choose someone who matches your spiritual merit and goals, together with the practical ability to function harmoniously. If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site. With best wishes, RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE email: shemayisrael.com/rabbiforsythe [the following is a continuation] Question: Shalom Rebbe, Thank you again for your response. I think I should be a bit more clear. First, the girl whom I mentioned that 'wanted poverty' - she did say that but she meant to say that she is willing to sacrifice 'everything' for Torah. Even a 'decent' lifestyle. Perhaps she is 'unrealistic' [I am not sure], but she is very serious and says she has seen others do it so why not her and her family. In her words 'she wants the best', which means a husband who is a learning full time- a ben-Torah. Rebbe, I want the best too. I want to do the best thing and be the best I can. If Hashem simply said 'go this way or that way' then I would have no safek. There would be Hardship at all. Once I KNOW that it's the derech Hashem wants from me, there are no more Kashyas. My problem is in determining what Hashem really wants -which way is right? Should I just go and learn and 'Hashem yerachem'. A 'We'll figure it out' kind of mentality - or a 'realistic' kind of mentality. Now obviously you can not rely on nissim…. And I know that if and when we need parnasa then I will work. I have no problem with that. That is Torah. My question is what should I look for in a girl? I know in Israel they are so 'practical' as to demand ridiculous things from a prospective date: i.e. an apartment, support from a father-in-law for so and so many years. All this is strange to me. And seems somewhat twisted in a sense. Demand an apartment to marry? I am not used to that nor does it cross my mind to do so. But again -should I be looking for a girl who is 'die hard' for Torah -but who is not making career preparations but will be a 'teacher' -But is willing to be mitztamtzem extremely or the one who will try to work but can not fathom the idea of real tzimtzum and sacrifice for Torah? In addition, I must tell Rebbe that I am receiving suggestions about girls who don't have the 'kollel' hashkafa at all, but are very intelligent, frum, sincere girls. Should I overlook my 'want' to keep learning since anyway, 'mistama' within some years I'll have to go out there if I want to maintain a decent standard or should I be mitakesh for a kollel minded girl…especially as I am 26, not well connected [or not at all connected actually] to the kollel world and am not finding too many girls who want this. I must say that these and the previous questions I've had about the girl I dated for a long while have lately made me a bit despondent and have confused me to no end. I go in circles - I want to learn...but I need to marry…Or she is a wonderful bat-torah…but not educated enough…etc etc etc too many sfeikot in my head. Well, I think I've asked Rebbe enough for now. I thank Rebbe in advance for any advice he can give me. Shalom Uvracha, A: BS"D Poverty is a means to Torah, not an end in itself. To want to be poor is not the same as to want to focus on Torah, or having the will to sacrifice to acquire Torah. Money is "kosher" when Hashem sees fit to send it. The Steipler said it well (he always did): In a shidduch, you should not look for money, it's nice if it's there, but it should not be the focus. You must do a cheshbon hanefesh [introspection] and evaluate what your role or potentials in Torah should be: a frum baal habayis [a religious home owner], a rov, teacher, mechaber sefarim. Once you identify that, your zivug will complement and support that tafkid [assignment in life]. Till you are clear on who you are and where you are going, how can you judge a girl to be compatible? Till you know what road you are on, how can you say a girl is on the same one? There has to be a fair, not necessarily perfect, sense of goal and direction to choose a mate and start out together. Life takes many unexpected turns, but a sense of values and direction must be in place. Rambam holds that a man should be able to provide parnossa. As a Sefardi, what is your minhag in this? I do not know if there is any difference today if a Sefardic man plans to stay in learning. Would it be with the idea of staying in learning as long as possible or long enough to give the marriage a spiritual foundation and then go out to work? Your kesuba obligates you to support a wife and family. You must have a justification, and your wife's agreement, to have an exemption from this chazaka. I can only assume that your staying in kollel would depend on if your wife is willing to mivater on your being the provider, to support your remaining in kollel, but I am not sure what a Sefardi posek would say [can you find out this and the other question I asked you to get a Sefardic psak on - how to handle dispute between who a parent wants a child to marry vs. who the child wants to marry]. This will help me to know what values to apply to guiding you. When you use the word mitakesh, do you mean to say "be stubborn?" I would not be stubborn, I would be "principled." But first you must really do a cheshbon hanefesh to evaluate what your half of a married life ought to be before deciding who to hold out for on the female side. To what principle are you dedicated? If you are truly serious for learning, and the rebbeim you learn under say you are developing and progressing enough to consider yourself to be in the right place, then you should look for a girl who would support and admire that. If you are going into the world, if you are "a baal habayis waiting to happen," then the practical decision is to be open to the girls that people are recommending, if any of the suggested girls truly make sense: good midos and hashkofos, psychologically normal, communicative, unselfish, prepared to be an aishes chayil and good mother, you're able to bring out your best in each other, you get along compatibly, you want please and respect each other, have similar goals and values and you enjoy each other's company. I wish you to tell me the two tshuvos that I asked you to call a Sefardic posek about and tell me how you mean mitakesh. I can consider calling you when I am clear on these points. If you know the answers, then just tell me as soon as possible. I look forward to your quick reply. Rabbi Forsythe [the following is a continuation] Question: Shalom Rebbe, I hope all is well with Rebbe. I will try to answer Rebbe's questions in order. First, I can view myself as a frum baal-bayit but also as a Rav or teacher. As for a mechaber sefarim, I would be ecstatic if I could achieve this, but I am not sure that I can realistically do so. I however do not 'view' myself in those terms. Basically, I am just someone who wants to learn, absorb and 'live' as much Torah as much as possible. This is not as 'practical' as the terms Rebbe used, i.e. Rav, teacher etc. I am not 'against' these things but I am not really learning for them either. I do think I could be a Rav, but currently I am not confident that I am at that level of knowledge in Halacha in terms of issur veheter, Shabbat etc. The girl I would ideally want to marry is basically a well-educated, intelligent Bat-Torah who would, AT LEAST IN THEORY, want me to continue learning as long as it is financially possible and as long as we feel that we are actually achieving and growing from it. Judging my potential is a bit hard as I have been learning for a little while but do not feel that strong in learning, especially in shas. At the same time, when I view the 'working world' I find it droll and meaningless and am much happier learning. My worst nightmare is to become a baal-bayit who has not achieved his potential and when I think of myself spending 30 years working at something and not achieving in Torah it scares me very much. I do not feel that I am weaseling out of the working world. I was very close to it, and though at times I do wonder what would have happened and where I would be had I continued into the professional world [at the time medicine], most of the time I am VERY happy that I have stayed in Yeshiva. At times this has HURT my learning and now my dating in that it caused me to have to completely redefine myself, a painful process that was very hard to do. To be considered a 'ben-torah' was hard for me to accept since my previous background tended to look down on them. For this reason I did not date untill I was 24. I could not. I did not know how to define myself to people. It was a tough period. Now I know that my place is really in the bet midrash. When I leave it, I find everything else, while interesting, not meaningful enough to spend a significant amount of time on. My sorrow is that I don't feel that I have achieved that much I my learning, especially in shas. So, I am trying to say that I COULD see myself as a Rav or the other options, but when I date I say this as ONE possibility, but mention that when parnasa becomes an issue, I will go toward the rabbinate or computers [which I enjoy as well]. As for the Sefaradi minhag about Torah vs. Parnasssa -as far as I know there is none, or that it is no different than Ashkenazi ones. Also, as far as I know, there is no difference for Sefaradim regarding the question of kibud av ve-em. I will ask a posek I know though. It might take a while as he can be hard to reach at times. I meant by 'mitakesh' to davka look for a girl who will have the same principles and willingness to sacrifice for Torah that I do, though I am finding it very difficult as most find this to be 'impossible or 'totally unrealistic'. Am I serious about my learning? I think I am very serious. I think that it is my life. I do not find it 'impossible' to consider myself a baal bayit but don't want to be one in the near future simply because I feel that I have learned so very little and knowing myself [ I am the type that gets heavily involved in whatever I am doing] I do not think I will achieve much in Torah if I am in the working world. What do I want to do? I know I want to learn. As to whether my Rebbeim would consider that I have been properly achieving to this point - this is a question I am not sure how to answer. As I mentioned, there have been times in the past few years where things have been very tough in general and in terms of learning. I personally feel that I could have achieved much more. As I said above, it is just hard for me to believe that I will have to 'give up' Torah for work IF I DO NOT NEED TO. I don't want to stop learning just to gain 'things' which I personally would feel unnecessary and don't care for, but that a wife might care for. These last few years have been at times financially difficult but, Baruch Hashem, I've made it through and have learned that not everything I want or even thought I 'needed' I actually did. But I know that poverty is not a goal and I do not in any way WANT to be poor. Far from it. But I would rather be poor in money than poor in Torah in the long run. If I am forced to choose between being mediocre in Torah [as I am currently] but financially comfortable and being poor in money but rich in Torah, the latter must win. I know it is easy to say so. I CAN NOT REALISTICALLY tell what my kochot are but at least in my head this is how I see things and I want my wife to understand this and agree to it at least in principle. There were only two girls that I dated who basically agreed to this. I have described both to Rebbe. One wants to sacrifice everything, but I do not feel is very 'practical. In other words her plan is to live on her teachers salary [in Israel], and nothing more, like the bnei Torah in Israel. The other is less educated but wants her husband to learn - but only as long as they are decently comfortable. Truthfully, I found the second much more 'normal' in a sense, and more 'realistic' - but that did not have the 'fire' for Torah nor the intelligence of the first one. I apologize for repeating myself. I hope I have made my position more clear to Rebbe. Thank you for your help. Shalom U'vracha A: It sounds like you want to be an "Avigdor Miller type." What do I mean? Rabbi Miller (who is famous for his writings, speaking and innovative hashkofa teachings) probably has the shul with the "frummest baal habatim" in the world, learning steadily, including mussar and hashkofa, keeping halacha strictly. They work, but are serious about Torah and Yiddishkeit. I appreciate that you want to learn as long as possible and then to keep up to your learning potential after you might have to "go out into the world." If that bottom lines it for you, then it seems that what to value in looking for a girl is that she be serious about and devoted to learning and living Torah, not necessarily to expect you to be in permanent learning or a religious profession and to be in the "frummest class" of baal habatim, possibly supporting you for several years (as much as possible) and perhaps providing some second income so you can learn somewhat permanently (e.g. half a day or steadily every evening and Sundays) or some such. There is nothing wrong if you can do some kind of work in computers. Does this seem to be thinking that rings true, while adequately factoring in the practical an spiritual priorities? It seems that something along this line is where you might be headed. If true, this is the basis for evaluating an appropriate shidduch. In any event, she has has to have good midos, hashkafos, compatibility, similar goals and values, etc.; as I have already said. I trust this should answer your quandary. With best wishes, Rabbi Forsythe ---------------------------------- Question: If you board a airplane before shabbas starts that is is going from the usa to asia and will be in the air, non-stop until it lands in asia after shabbas local time is this permissable? (I thought I remembered something similar from the Talmud being approved for boat travel on shabbas). This message was written at 10:06AM Fri. EST. Thanks. Shabbat Shalom, A: BS"D First of all, we NEVER poskin [determine practical law] from the Talmud, even when the Talmud says to. The Talmud provides concepts, arguments, analyses, logic so that we can study every halachically significant aspect of a question. Determining any practical law is a completely different methodology altogether. It requires understanding the Talmud as explained by the Rishonim and how the acharonim and poskim apply the Rishonim to a given issue or question. If one were to be on any vehicle that were traveling into shabos, you would be unable to carry anything off (including in your pockets) and you would have a mess of problems that are not worth getting involved in. In halacha, you can travel before shabos or yom tov if the schedule and derech hateva [the laws of nature] enable you to expect to arrive at your destination safely before the end of weekday time [before the holy time starts]. However, if anything goes wrong [airport delay, bad weather, traffic, anything], you are stuck with all consequences and disadvantages. Therefore, from the vantage point of "saichel [common sense]," it is wisest to anticipate "worst case scenarios" and leave plenty of time. There are various principles that people use, depending on the nature or length of their trip; for example: one person uses the idea "twice the travel time plus one hour," or guaging how bad traffic or airport conditions might be and adding more than enough time, or just figure your travel plans on arriving very, very early. You can use anything else as a saichel approach that helps assure getting safely to your destination under any expectable condition with more than enough time. The goal is to never desecrate shabos and to not have to spend it on a ship or plane that you can't get off of, or stuck in an airline terminal without any possessions or kosher food. It is not worth making shabos travel plans that have you "down to the wire." Suffaik de'Oraisa lechumra [with a doubt on a matter from the Torah we must be stringent]. Thank you for mentioning that you wrote long before shabos. If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site. With best wishes, RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE email: shemayisrael.com/rabbiforsythe ---------------------------------- Question: Dear Rabbi:my question is why i feel confused with a husband that takes a good care of my needs, he can do every thing for me, but he's not showing any affection verbally & is hard to know for me if he really loves me or does it simply because it is his nature to do favors with everyone & probably this is due to the fact that he's from England (colder than me, a Spanish woman from Argentina..). The shaila again is why he can't be more demonstrative, bring flowers ,say i love you dear etc.. i don't deserve it? My back ground is: i'm a baalat tshuva for about twelve years ago, married with three adorable children (bli ayin hora),six years living in America, since I married. I'm naturally more affectionate than him & I guess I expect the same feedback right? sometimes i feel that i waste my time with him, i'm young & know that i have the potential to let a man feel important &cared for. My husband doesn't seem to be the happiest man on earth, why? He doesn't have the excitement for mitzvos as well, why? he is frum from birth. I'm waiting for your reply. A: BS"D Have you spoken to your husband about your feelings? What you ask for are normal things for a wife to need. Even if he is less emotional than you, normal and healthy adult functioning requires emotions and their expression. There is a range for more or less emotion in different personality types, the same way there is a normal range in blood pressure, pulse (heart rate) and body temperature. There can be variances within a range that can be considered normal and then there are abnormal measures that are unhealthy. It is much easier to give superficially than for a person to give emotionally. It takes maturation, which many men in our generation lack. He probably gives what he knows how to. Your need to be related to emotionally is not in his "range" of behaviors. You should tell him that you have to have a private talk with him. Do not call him names or make attacks or judgements (you are evil, sick, bad, wrong). Tell him there are behaviors tht are proper and improper, responsible and negligent in marriage. It is imperative for a woman to feel the love, respect, care and appreciation of her husband. You must be calm and soft all throughout, talk about how his behaviors make you FEEL and what a female nature needs. These are in the female nature and Jewish law requires that a husband supply these needs and make his wife happy. There are many topics of these kinds on my site and in my recent Jewish Press columns - have you shown any of these to him? I do not like your saying you "deserve." One of the biggest killers of any marriage is feeling or demanding entitlement. It is each one's responsibility to supply the other's needs. It is his responsibility to do his job, not your entitlement or any right to make demands. If fails in his responsibility, it is his sin. If you come at him claiming your rights, it will lead to behavior that is angry, unbearable or arrogant. You will probably push him altogether away, and join him as a sinner. You will fix nothing by both irritating or alienating each other. That will make things worse. If he is sympathetic and says he will try, work with him on the relationship gradually. You have children to think about. They can be traumatized by divorce just as they might be by their parents having an adversarial marriage. If he is uninterested or rigid, or does not know what to do to get along with you satisfactorily, it is a problem that can require professional counseling. To achieve satisfactory results, one or both of you may have issues that you each might have to work on, besides the issues in your relationship. Since you are in Brooklyn, as I am, you might consider counseling, if he wants to work on the relationship with you. If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site. With best wishes, RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE email: shemayisrael.com/rabbiforsythe ---------------------------------- Q: I hope you will be able to help. We are seeking a Shidduch for our 27 year old daughter, who is currently self employed and professional. She attended Bais Yaakov. She also spent a year in Israel at a well known seminary. Our daughter is seeking a Frum from birth young man who has a K'vius in learning as well as a secular or religious profession. A: BS"D For several years, my work has been focusing on counseling and speaking, and related activities, not matchmaking. I do not have a sizable "pool of candidates." Even on the few occasions where I might suggest shidduchim, I must personally know both individuals well enough to feel confidence and responsibility in making a suggestion. Wishing hatzlacha, mazal and bracha, Rabbi Forsythe ---------------------------------- Question: Dear Rabbi Forsythe, I write this letter with a heart torn and confused; with a slight sense of what should be done for resolution, but also with feelings so wayward and strong that I sometimes find myself weak. I will start with a brief description of my shidduch experience I shared with a girl since mid-November this year. We went out four times, seemed to find a lot of things in common--a similar sense of ourselves, goals, and "likes." She told me on our next phone call that her parents are "getting nervous" (why were they getting nervous?) and they called for a one-week break, which, in effect, barred me from seeing her for two weeks. I was ok with that. After all, she is only 19 and a half, the only daughter, I understood. We go out another two times. Her parents, from Miami, agreed to see me. The next episode involves some background: I live in New York. I was going to Newark for a 7:20 flight. I woke up very early, got to the airport on time, took off at at 7:20--only to return at 7:40 because of a leak in the fuel tank. I endured a five hour delay, was served only one packet of peanuts for food, was led to the wrong carrousel, and had my luggage lost (I am very efficient, lest you worry, it was the airline that was to blame). No matter, I am the cheery type: I am led to the place of lodging that was set up for me by her mother: nice place, nice family. I was informed that I will meet the family at a hotel lounge that Friday night some 25 minutes away from this house, which was ok, really; it rained a bit, it was a bit windy, and, sadly, I was unfamilliar with the neighborhood, but I managed to walk quickly (and somewhat anxiously!) to meet her parents. It would all be worth it, right? They talked to me for only 10-15 minutes. It was 10:00 at night, her father demanded that I bring her back at 12:00--I understood that. We had a nice time (we always did). We arranged to meet again. On Motzei Shabbos, before, naturally, I told my parents that I spoke to her parents for 10-15 minutes, and took a cab to the hotel to go out with her. I had to wait for her folks. They finally led me to another hotel (why?) and we talked for some 30-40 minutes about Miami, not much more. I was ok with that, went out with her, and, again, we had a really nice time. In the meantime (I found this out only later) my parents called the shadchan, concerned with the 10 minute conversation on Friday night. The Shadchan called them up to remind them of certain delicate matters of etiquette, they apologized, and talked to me, only then, for 40 minutes. This means, to me, they would have been ok with only 10 minutes after all that effort I spent in getting to them, after THEY asked for it. Additionally, the shadchan, smelling something was not right, offered to have my father listen in on conference (BAD IDEA--I thought that unproffesional) to a conversation he would have with this girl's grandfather, the apparent monetary basis of her family: He asked for a "big name," someone of obviously fantastic means (my parents are both doctors--we are of good means and very well educated). This dumbfounded my family, and while they started to suggest strongly that I end the shidduch, they noticed I liked her, and attributed their behavior to first-time jitters. She told me on our next phone call that her parents are nervous and that she has finals and that she needs to take another break, also for two weeks. I pushed to her to agree to go out once during that time. We went out, just drank some tea together and talked for three hours, she had a great time, and I was happier. We talked of her seeing my parents that date, she agreed. That Friday, she told me her parents were getting nervous again, and that she did not know what to do, as she was not yet thinking about me all day (naturally, I thought, we had so many breaks and absoltuely no support from her parents). I offered to have it discussed with a rebbi, she liked that, we decided afterward to go out a few more times to see what happens--with no breaks. Two days later, I recieved a voice mail from her, I called her and she told me her parents wanted a five week break. I said that was nuts, and asked if our parents can talk. They declined the offer. I told her to I'd call her later as I had Yeshiva. The Rabbi met me, told me that her father called him at 12:30 that night (he was calling all night, the Rabbi has been in the hospital tending to his father) and asked that he suggest to me that I be ok with a "short" break, as he wants to talk to his daughter, is unsure of her perceptions, and has some "reservations." He mentioned nothing of what his daughter said later on: that her parents wanted a 6-week break, and asked that we both see other people. That same day, her father called the Shadchan for other names. I am going to see another girl next week. To give you an idea of myself: I am one of the best talmidim in the highest shiur of a selective Yeshiva. I am a top student with many extra cirricular accomplishments, and I am going to law school next year. It is not as though I am some druggie. She told me she "really, really likes" me (I am starting to doubt her conviction more as I write on) and that she "really" wants to see me after this whole thing. She plans on calling me on the 14th of Feb (coincidentally, Valentines day) to tell me what's going on. I like her, but I have some "reservations," to put it mildly. Would you suggest I cut it off? I am scared that this is a sick bed, that this is a trend. We like each other, but, then, this is the stuff divorces are made of, I think. Would you care to respond soon? This last episode happened earlier this week, and my head really hurts. A: BS"D If the two of you are compatible and ready for marriage, I think you should talk to the girl. It sounds like there is enough there to merit continuing and taking each other seriously. The Ramo, in Hilchos Kibud Av Ve'Aim specifies that there is no honoring parents in deciding who to marry or not marry. If the two of you are really mature enough to marry, I think you should tell her that "al pi halacha" if you suit each other you should develop the relationship at its own pace and on its own merits. It sounds like her parents can be destructive, meddling, possessive and controlling. This would be unhealthy and can kill any marriage if permitted to. Tell her you are seriously interested in her but that her parents seem to be a destructive force and obstacle. She has to decide: if she is interested in you, you give her the opportunity to develop the relationship as far as it has potential to go. If you get married, she will have to commit her loyalty and respect to you and keep her parents out of your shalom bayis at all costs. Loyalty to each other would have to be your first priority. If she agrees and wants to pursue a shidduch with you, this "time off" nonsense, and all interference from her parents must stop - and she has to be the one to stop it. If she cannot agree to protect your relationship from them, and let the relationship blossom as it will on its own, then it is over. It has to be HER DECISION between these two options: 1) continue as seriously as possible with her parents not a harmful or blocking factor or 2) it will be impossible for the two of you to continue in any number of weeks. It sounds like it will be one thing after the other. You do not want to hook up with a life of dysfunction. The parents have to be negated or your connection to her has to be negated. It sounds like it must be either/or. Her parents appear to be unreasonable, selfish, controlling, ill-mannered, abusive and destructive; and like they will plague you and make you sick as long as they are alive...if you let them. If you marry, you must have shalom and a healthy relationship. Make sure you talk to her sweetly and softly, emphasizing how important she is to you, that you care about her, and see serious potential if you can be left unobstructed. Emphasize the positive when talking with her. I think you should speak with her immediately, not waiting several weeks. If the two of you are basherte, and both ready for marriage already, there is no reason to delay making it happen. Make clear that the halacha is: NO honoring parents in who you do or don't marry. You marry when two people want each other, who are right for each other, who get along with each other. The bottom line is that the couple determines a shidduch. Parents might have wise advice, life experience or insight to offer thei child about shidduchim. But the halachos of giving ANYONE advice require that the advise only be good aitza for the recipient. Otherwise, the one giving advise violates "michshol [the prohibition of placing stumbling block]," which is an issur de'Oraisa [Torah prohibition]. I would say whether to break with her depends on whether she can break with her parents control and is ready enough to make mature marital commitment which you can have trust and security with. If she can't, either forget her or try again if you are both still single when she cuts the "apron strings" to her parents. If she can prioritize you and shield your relationship from her parents being controlling, intrusive or destructive, she is a "real serious possibility." Concentrate on her, as long as she permits you to do so, even if it means canceling the date with the other girl, since you can't give the second girl fair consideration while you are involved with, or have thoughts or feelings about, the first girl. If you go out with the second girl, you owe her derech eretz and kavod habrios, giving her complete concentration and consideration. I do not sense you are holding there, which makes it unfair. You could violate genaivas da'as [deception], bittul z'man [waste of time], bittul momon [wasting money] and kavod habrios [disrespect to Hashem's creation]. If you go out with a second woman, it must mean you have finished with, and cut off entirely with, the first woman; so you are entirely giving 100% attention and consideration to the woman you are going out with at that time. Hatzlacha bichol inyonim. If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site. With best wishes, RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE email: shemayisrael.com/rabbiforsythe ---------------------------------- Q: I dont know why, but certain sinful thoughts are addictive, I feel terrible, and I need to stop: any tips to stop addiction? Am I going be cut off from Hashem? Is this why I may have so many crises in my life right now? A: BS"D Crises may come from any reason, known only to Hashem. However, Pirkei Avos tells us that tshuva and maasim tovim are a shield from calamities. Can you establish a chavrusa or seder in mussar? Seek a rov who is a role model and inspiration for good midos [character traits] and thoughts and spiritual qualities. Rambam writes that if one is subject to bad influence, he should move to an isolated midbar. Your first issue, therefore, is to get out of any arousing or permissive envoironment because it causes serious and repeated avairos. If you stay there, it is like you are machshol yourself. Do you take your neshama and olam habo seriously? Chazal say to make a syag around the Torah. What do you do to shield yourself? For example, in the "harchaka" laws of taharas hamishpocha there are harchakos to keep even the possibility of a forbidden stimulation far away. Either you must change to a more innocuous environment, create enough effective harchakos or admit you cannot mikayem "ain ben chorin ela me she'osek baTorah." For example, when in public can you look at the floor instead of women? Can you put pictures of tzadikim near your work station? Remember, Yosef saved himself from chait with aishess Potifer by seeing his father Yaakov's image in his mind. By the mitzva of Kedoshim tihiyu, Rashi says this comes from separating from avairos in general AND arayos in particular! Arayos are sufficiently serious, compared to all other sorts of avaira throughout the Torah, to need special mention as being an obstacle to kedusha. Do you have a rov? Do you learn mussar? Do you have keveeyus iteem laTorah? Do you do spiritual things that are spiritually satisfying and use your uniques talents and abilities productively and feel fulfillment with your life? Could you keep yourself more busy with mitzvos TO WORK ON INSTILLING PERSONAL FULFILLMENT AND ELEVATION IN RUCHANEEYUS from doing them - to leave, each time, a lasting roshem on your laiv? What do you do for cheezuk and tshuva? Work steadily on doing better and better, on spiritual growing, rather than living in panic over self-destruction. Sometimes, these issues have a deeper root and some emotional representation. Are there any ways in which you feel frustrated, empty, hurt, insecure, lonely, angry or sad inside yourself? I do private counseling (in Brooklyn), in case deeper issues or needs may need to be worked on. Hope these will be helpful. If you have any further questions, feel free to contact me through my website at Shema again. Hatzlacha, Rabbi Forsythe email: shemayisrael.com/rabbiforsythe ---------------------------------- Q: Would you have any information on the history of matchmaking in the Jewish tradition, or on the rise and role of the of the "yenta"? A: BS"D [With The Help Of Heaven] Shadchanim go back to the beginning of our people. One of the most detailed stories in the entire Torah is the account of Eliezer, the servant of Abraham, functioning as the shadchan who made the match between Avraham's son Yitzchok [Isac] and Rivka [Rebecca], being chapter 24 of Genesis. Shadchanim have been at work from then till the present. The Talmud says that it is requisite to pay a matchmaker upon the successful completion of a match (before the wedding). I am not in a position to give you a history. On my website, in "Finding Your Zivug/Mate," there is a complete section on the story of the match of Yitzchok and Rivka, as well as other match-making-related subjects, generally having to do with the skill and responsibility involved in being a competent matchmaker. You are invited to look there. "Yenta" is a female Yiddish name. The term "yenta," when used as a type of person, probably comes from some lady once upon a time, so named, who was such a classic "yenta," that the name stuck. It would be sort of as if every president of the USA were called "a george," if the name of the first one stuck. I hope this helps. With best wishes, Rabbi Forsythe ---------------------------------- Question: I am a professor of art history at Rutgers University doing research on Holocaust art. My questions are these. First, how are body parts buried? In containers of some sort? Second, must an entire body be laid out flat? There are paintings which include body parts and other paintings in which bodies are not laid out flat.I am trying to determine if the artist had a proper sense of Jewish respect for the dead and the appropriate knowledge or if he was making a comment about Nazi defilement.Thank you for your time. A: With the help of Heaven, The body must be covered in plain white shrouds, laid on its back, face up, buried deep enough so that the body is covered by earth all over. Sincerely, Rabbi Forsythe ---------------------------------- Question: Dear Rabbi:your last article in the jewish press was fantastic .this time i have a shaila about midos.in acharis hayamim. It says that pnei ha dor ki pnei kelev. I understand of this that you only have to go to the streets look at some religious woman the venom , arrogance, &disrespectful manner of staring at you &you can understand what this is all about? no wonder we are in galus yet... Question 2: I put the name Elazar to my son you know why? just becouse of the Tana Elazar Ben Arach..like in your last week column where you address this important issue: to have or develop a good heart. i also had chosen his name because he said that the best quality to find in a person is a good lev.& B'H my son seem to have that probably bizchus Rabbi Elazar, who knows...i have a dilemma regarding maaser, I thought that a gift from a parent also has to be maaser, i ask a Rav from my mishpucha years ago, &that did i.now i red in your shailos section, that is not obligatory &since i'm about to receive some money i want to do your way,can i do that?thank you A: BS"D 1. Yes, midos and derech eretz are harder and harder to find. Work on these within your self and raise your children to have them. Instead of trying to change the world, improve yourself and those on whom you can have influence. 2. If you asked a true rov a shaaloh about maaser from money given by a parent, I cannot negate his reply to you unless there is some different factor that makes it a different shaaloh. Maaser has to be taken on money considered income. Unless you work for a parent, the money is a gift, not income. However, I cannot cancel another rov's psak and you must stay with his answer unless there is a difference in the current situation that makes it a new halachic question. ---------------------------------- Communication: I am from William Paterson University and my assigment for my Western Civilization class is to interview a Rabbi. I really appreciate you taking the time to answer these questions. 1. What is the basic difference between Christianity and Judaism? 2. Who inspired Moses to create the laws? 3. Were the attitutes toward women merely a product of historial circumstances? 4. Was there slavery in the Hebrew society? 5. How old is the Old Testament and why is it called the Old Testament? 6. Why do Jews cast a wary eye on the Old Testament? 7. When did the Exodus begin? Once again thank you for taking the time to answer these questions for me. It is greatly appreciated. A: With the help of Heaven Dear Deni, I might not have time to answer all of your questions but I will do what I can. Written interviews are too time consuming and I do not guarantee replying to them. My purpose with this Q & A feature in my site is for answering practical to-the-point life questions according to Jewish teaching and my work experience, not extensive academic or theoretical discourses. I have written on some of these points so I can paste some of these writings here quickly. Let's see what I can pull together for you now. Judaism believes that there is only One Creator, Who is the giver of His law to man. I am not an authority on any Christian teachings so I will only say that Christianity believes that the Creator is divided into three parts and that if one believes in their teachings, they say that one can have salvation. We consider this a cop-out from responsibility for actions and morals. Judaism teaches there are laws and moralities in regard to which each has free choice and will be punished for choosing bad deeds and rewarded for choosing good deeds. As such, there is no such type of salvation because your deeds define what your judgement and fate will be. A Jew is required by the law to fulfill 613 commandments and the rest of the world is required to fulfill seven universal commandments. Ten commandments were given at Mount Sinai. It is a common mistake that these are the universal commandments. They are better described as ten major categories for the 613 commandments which apply to the Jewish people. I would prefer to replace the Christian term "salvation" with the word "purpose." "Salvation" presumes there is an automatic need to be saved. Judaism does not presume this. It is more a question of what one is living for; what this means for the conduct of one's practical life, and the establishing of one's goals and values. It is customary to write G-d, without the "o," to convey that He is holy and to show we do not take reference to Him lightly. Each person has a G-d - given imperative to serve and obey G-d. The practical application of this is fulfillment of His will, which defines what is good and correct. Violating His will defines what is evil and wrong. Every one has free choice and the power to choose to do good or bad at every moment. The more one chooses and does good, the more merit he earns and will be rewarded for. The more he chooses and does evil, the more demerit he obtains and is punished for. Each person, therefore, creates what his eternal life will be for his soul by his choices and actions throughout adult life, starting at 13 for a boy, 12 for a girl. A Jew has to fulfill 613 commandments of the Five Books of Moses, with thousands of laws as well as moral, character and philosophical principles. A non-Jew serves G-d by fulfilling the "seven commandments of the descendants of Noah." In brief, I will summarize the basics of the seven universal commandments, which aren't necessarily the same as the more famous "Ten Commandments." 1. To believe only in One G-d, invisible and infinite, sole authority and creator, and to not believe in nor serve in any way any other entity, whether with belief in G-d also or without belief in G-d also. 2. Not to say anything bad against G-d e.g. blasphemy, vulgarity, to curse or deny Him. 3. Not to murder, including abortion, mercy killing of someone fatally ill, trapping or tying a person and leaving him subject to danger or starvation. One can kill someone chasing another who threatens to kill (the one pursued) if there is no way to stop the pursuer other than by killing. This is only to save the victim from being killed. If the pursuer could be stopped without killing (e.g. wounding), killing the pursuer would be murder. 4. Forbidden relations including with certain close family members (whether by blood or by marriage, even after the death of the blood relative), adultery, relations with an animal or a male with another male whether a male adult or child. 5. Prohibition of theft of anything worth any amount, whether sneaky (e.g. burglary or embezzlement) or in the open (e.g. armed robbery or snatching a woman's necklace), whether stealing property (e.g. money or objects) or a person (i.e. kidnapping) or causing damages, whether by taking what someone else has or withholding what you have but which someone else has the right to (e.g. not paying an employee or creditor on time or not working during time when you are being paid to work). 6. Do not tear off and eat the limb or meat of a living animal (this is a prototype of prohibition to do anything that is cruel or barbaric). 7. Set up a system of courts to enforce the above and maintain a civil society. There are many details pertaining to the above. There are also miscellaneous matters. For some examples: when one is in trouble or in need of something, it is appropriate to pray to G-d; one's overall conduct with others should be courteous, pleasant and honorable; one should constantly have and express appreciation to G-d for the gifts and benefits He gives; if one has done a sin, one should repent and commit himself promptly to never doing the wrong again. In direct correlation to one's fulfillment of his obligations in the service of G-d, and living a righteous and spiritual life, one creates what his own eternity will be. It is not a matter of salvation. It is a matter living to serve G-d, doing His will at every moment during earthly life - especially at times of test, in the way that accords with whether one is a Jew or non-Jew. Each individual himself is responsible for what is in store for him, by his own making. Heaven's judgement is fair, precise and truthful; the ramifications eternal. G-d chose Moses to receive His teaching. Moses wan not inspired, he was communicated with by prophetic communication by G-d, Who created the world for the purpose of His commands being practiced by His creations. Abraham recognized the Creator and dedicated himself and his household to serving him. Only the Jewish people, Abraham's descendants, agreed to accept His law and Moses was chosen as G-d's prophet because he was the most humble of men who would ever live. Jews do not cast a wary eye on the Old Testament. To us there is no old or new. There is only the original Hebrew Bible, which is the writings of the prophets with whom G-d communicated. If anyone comes along after the era of prophecy ended and says there is anything new, we do not accept it. There is no new anything. If anyone says there is something new, they refer to what came before it as old. That has no relevance to us. The law was given to Moses 51 days after the Exodus from Egypt 3,313 years ago. Over the next 40 years Moses wrote the first five books of the Bible, adding portions as G-d told him to. The remainder of the Bible was given to prophets over several hundred years. When you refer to a "wary eye on the old testament," I have no idea where this idea came from, it is entirely false, invalid and non-existent. The original Hebrew Bible is holy, its Five Books Of Moses are the basis for Judaism and its teachings and its remaining books re-enforce its imperatives, and are supplemented by the Talmud, Code Of Law and other parts of our heritage. Prophets were holy people who spiritually elevated themselves to the level at which they received communications from G-d conveying His will and what He requires of man. There have been no prophets for about 2,500 years. There have been no people spiritually high and pure enough since then. There is One G-d, He is not divisible, He is not more nor less than One. He is One. He told man through His prophets what He requires. He created man with free will - and accountability for using it. He will reward and punish according to deeds and morals on the levels of individuals and of nations. The main reward for the righteous who obey G-d loyally is blissful eternal life. Slavery in Jewish law is not a proper translation. One could be sold into servitude, such as when he owed a debt or caused damage that he could not pay, had no means of support or was a non-violent criminal deemed capable of being rehabilitated by exposure to life in a fine family's home. He was treated as a member of the family, with eating and sleeping of the same quality of the home owner's family. It was forbidden to be rude, cruel or hurtful; or to injure; or to impose oppressive or purposeless work on him. Slavery in English has a harsher connotation and is a very poor translation of the Hebrew, which is closer to "one who works" or "one who does." Judaism teaches utmost respect and appreciation for women. There are definite roles to which the genders are assigned and for which each one's nature is considered suitable. When the genders assume their roles, it is not to the disparagement of women, it is recognition of the how the nature of each is different and enables both to add up to a synergy (the sum is greater than the parts) and to a whole, somewhat like each player creates a whole by his contribution to a team. Men and women are a "team" for handling the sum total of life's functions. When roles are divided, each task is handled most efficiently by the one designed by G-d to fulfill each. When there is respect and peace, everything gets done and everyone can be happy and satisfied. These ideas go back to the beginning of our heritage and have been the same since G-d revealed His law to Abraham individually and to us as a people through Moses. This is all I have time for. I hope this helps. Rabbi Forsythe ---------------------------------- Question: Dear Rabbi, I understand that names play a crucial role in judaism and that names are not given by coincidence. Does this apply just to jewish names or any name? Is there any meaning of my name? My name is Zeljko Bouwman, I live in the Netherlands, 28 years old, I dit social sciences and work now with longterm unemployed people. I'm looking forward for your answer. Regards, Zeljko A: With the help of Heaven Dear Zeljko, The significance you refer to only applies to Jewish names. They generally have some meaning that pertains to an aspect of our understanding of G-d or an admirable trait, sometimes a combination or contraction of words in a way that has meaning. The meaning of the name has a tie to the essence of theperson's soul of the individual and somehow characterizes him or her, in according with the significance of the name. It is by Divine Providence that a name is selected in the mind of Jewish parents for their Jewish child. Sincerely, Rabbi Forsythe ---------------------------------- Question: Rabbi, I am curently researching aa A Level Jewish Studies coursework, which constitutes 40% of my final grade. The title is "Analysis of the contribution of Jewish teachings to the ethical debate on animal rights". In particular, I was hoping you might have information on examples of where Judaism is cruel to animals, other than the ancient practice of Kaparot. Thank you. A: With the help of Heaven Judaism definately does NOT believe in cruelty to animals. For example, in Jewish law, one who owns animals must feed them before he himself is allowed to eat. Ritual slaughter of meat kills the animal instantaneously so there is no pain. If one has a choice of loading or unloading a pack animal at the same time, one must unload the animal with a pack on its back first to remove pain from the burdened animal. Normally we cannot milk a cow on the sabbath. However, if the milk in an utter is painful for the animal, we are allowed to empty the utter in a way that does not capture the milk for human use, so that sabbath is respected and the animal is saved from pain. There are numerous examples of compassion for animals in Jewish law. Judaism does believe in the use of animals for the service of man and G-d. Therefore, it is not considered cruelty to use animals for practical purposes such as work, for meat, for their skin and for atonement. When there is a benefit to man that is greater than the impact on the animal, it is considered justifiable to use the animal as necessary. It is an idea imposed from outside that there is cruelty to animals in Judaism. There is use for beneficial purpose. It is a fallacy to claim there is cruelty, which suggests a lack of purpose or acting for the sake of causing pain. There is considerable balance in Judaism's laws about animals. Unjustifiable causing of pain to animals is a sin and specifically not allowed. Sincerely, Rabbi Forsythe Question: Dear Rabbi Forsythe, Answer: BS"D You are torturing yourself unnecessarily. Yes indeed, true repentance requires remorse, but not emotional debilitation. Regret should motivate you to spiritual perfection, Torah observance, personal growth and living a life that increases Torah in the world. For a good husband you should have appreciation and happiness. You yourself say that you are not the same person as you once were. That is one of the tests by which we measure if one did true tshuva - if you would be incapable of ever doing a wrong thing again, under circumstances that would be allow the wrongdoing to happen and which are under your control (e.g. two people still love each other, are alone and physically capable of the forbidden action) and you held back specifically because of the tshuva. If you are "not the same person," you do not deserve to be judged as if you are. If Hashem isn't judging you badly, why do you waste emotional energy judging yourself harshly? You sound like one capable of creative and productive use of your time in the service of Hashem. Giving your time and abilities to G-d, your husband, Torah and fellow Jews would be the constructive way to separate from the past and "play out" the "new and improved" you. Raise your children to be devoted to Torah, your girls to live "tzneeyuss." Don't go overboard to be "meshuga frum," because that is not service of G-d, that is mental illness. Do you say Tehillim and do chesed regularly (or other mitzvos that suit your nature and orient your thinking to G-d, spirituality, ahavas Yisroel and Torah; but not to the deprivation of your home and marriage)? If you have teaching ability, that indicates you are actively looking to "replace" Torah into the world which youthful indescretions "took away from the world." Adding Torah to the world is meritorious, and is a valid approach in a case such as yours. Many of your inclinations sound very good. Don't get stuck in your past imperfections, concentrate on "being your best you" now and hereafter. Torah remorse BALANCES sincere and genuine regret with motivation to do only what is right, entitling you to be happy about the way you changed and how you now live. Do not use remorse to be crushed or stifled. Use remorse as healthy positive incentive and to give you Torah perspective on life. Definately do not say anything about your past to your husband. Put that energy into being the most devoted, pleasing, compatible, blemishless and holy wife he can ever have; again, without overdoing it to an unhealthy extent. The halacha is to not tell and to NOT be anything like the "former woman" you would be telling about. Let him think well of you - and, accordingly, truly be for him a woman for whom high esteem is justified and appropriate. Yes, telling him would change things for the worst, so don't. It is much more important to preserve peace, respect and trust between the two of you. Just put all of that emotional energy of your into adding to the world things that are good in Hashem's eyes. Never give your husband reason to have second thoughts about having married you or to start looking at any other woman. Tell your husband, through your actions and through who you are from now on, that he married the right one, one who he will want to cleave to in love and harmony, for all his days. If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site. With best wishes, RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE Reply from above writer to Rabbi Forsythe: I only wish I was able to seek your guidance before I got married or even after. Instead I have spent the first 7 months of my beautiful marriage tortured. Tortured is not even the word to describe it. The amount of guilt I sometimes feel when looking at my amazing husband truly takes away from any happiness I should have been experiencing. (I even have horrific thoughts that Hashem will punish me by not blessing us with children, chas v'shalom...) Even though a pretty prominent Rabbi told me not to say a word to him, I still always felt uneasy. I am a very honest person by nature and my relationship with my husband is completely honest, except for that. I never would have dreamed I would end up with such a kind, pure soul. I suppose that is why my guilt has always taken over: I never felt I deserved someone like him. I'm sure there are many people out there who also have questions, with no one they feel comfortable enough to ask. What you do by taking the time out to answer via email, is an incredible act of Chesed, one which should I"H merit you a place in the world to come. It's funny, but even though you don't know my husband, you seem to understand his nature, or rather human nature. My husband never had a serious relationship, and definitely not a physical relationship, before he met me. He likes to feel like he is the first with anything. Most importantly he wants to believe that I never loved anyone else, which is why he always changes the subject if I am stupid enough to bring up a name of an ex. The truth is that before I met him, I never really knew what love was, and so there is truth to this. After reading your letter, I feel inspired to do just what you suggested. Devote my energy on kindness, chesed, raising a beautiful family, Hachnasat Orchim and yes, even taking advantage of teaching to make a little difference and share the beauty of Judaism. In addition, I feel 100% better knowing I did nothing halachicly wrong by not telling and can stop torturing myself. I wish you and your family a Happy Chag and I thank you from the bottom of my heart! Sincerely yours ---------------------------------- Question: Dear Rabbi, I don't want you to think I am not committed to my Judaism. I study torah at least 1x per day and have a chavrusa a few times per week. Of course I go to minyan 3x per day as well and encourage others to go. I occupy much of my free time in doing chesed, studying Torah and a little excercise. Please help me. I spent all day Yom Kippur repenting for this and I am committed to ending this problem but don't know what to do. Thanks for your time. chag sameach. A: It is very brave of you to have written. Your letter conveys sincerity and that you are truly concerned about your Yiddishkeit [Judaism] and neshama [soul]. The Vilna Gaon wrote that one of the tricks the yaitzer hora [evil inclination] uses is to make one think that the only way to conquer a sin is to take it on as a massive direct attack. The person comes to complete failure, becomes depressed and discouraged, and then the yaitzer has a total victory over the person. A powerful yaitzer requires a gradual approach with small, manageable and "bite-sized" steps. Rabbi Yisroel Salanter, father of the "Mussar [self-perfection] Movement," said that complete conquest of a yaitzer hora is not the only goal especially at the beginning of battle. The extent to which one does any sin less often, with time and struggle in between, is rewarded vastly by Hashem. If one does a sin twice a day and gets it to be three times in two days, once a day, once every few days, etc., especially if there is sincere effort and discomfort in the process, this is massively rewarded, as you work a bit at a time to make real, substantive and sustainable improvement, even gradually. Stay away from anything that might stimulate you. Create syags [fences] that keep you from things that might induce a sin. The Shulchan Aruch gives no exceptions. Do you have any idea what creates such a compelling inner need? Is it loneliness? Fear of commitment? A combination of factors? If it is some kind of psychological emptiness or hurt, resolution of this should be part of your program, but not the only part. Keep yourself occupied as much as possible in things that promote spirituality and holiness. Keep yourself among people as much as possible, instead of being alone, preferably where women are not seen or accessible. Learn mussar and Torah things which are moshech laiv [draw your heart] and which pertain to your areas of difficulty [the latter will help you understand the issue and this will further motivate you to do better]. Above all, persevere. Do not give up. Do not let the yaitzer sway or conquer you. Yes, he may beat you on individual occasions, but you remain steadfast, keep your overall effort steady and sincere. Judge by the authenticity and perseverance of your effort, not by the imperfection of results. By definition, since you are not attaining a perfect result, to judge by the perfectness of your results is asking for discouragement and disappointment and to feel like a failure. Do tshuva all the time. This reinforces the mentality that sin is NOT ok and will prod you to put it off, delay it, keep busy with something else. Tell yourself, "Not just now," or "Not today." Repeatedly say chapters 6, 32, 51 and 131 of Tehillim. The first three have to tshuva, the latter conquering Soton. See my internet sub-sites on fighting the yaitzer hora and tshuva [in "Personal Growth"] and working on anger [which address fighting the yaitzer] - these address issues that would be of concern to you. G-d only gives tests that a person can handle. It may take time, effort, concentration; but just the fact that you have a test means that you are chosen by G-d as being capable of conquering it, even if difficult or gradual. Your olam haba [eternal life] is somehow tied to your conquest of this trial, whether completely or not; but in any event you can progress substantially, if not perfectly. This apparently is a major part of your purpose in life. Do not fail, do not let up. Keep strong in this, keep showing Hashem you are at work on the "assignment" He gave you. By doing your best, by remaining tenacious, you show G-d that you are His servant and, with your imperfections, you are committed to His will. Do hishtadluss [practical effort] to find a wife with whom you can share a fulfilling love. G-d will reward you enormously for staying at it, your improvements, your struggle, putting longer and longer spans of time between events. You will have blessing in this world and enormous reward in the eternal world. If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site. With best wishes, RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE ---------------------------------- Question: I was just wondering what the word "tumas" meant. i have seen it on your site and some other Jewish related sites, and i gather that it has something to do with uncleaness, but I would like to know where the word came from and what exact meaning it has. Thanks, A: Dear Jamie, Generally, in some way, tumah has something to do with death. For example, when a woman has her period, this is due to an egg not being fertilized and dying. An opportunity to create life was lost. This is called "tumas nidah," the spiritual uncleanness of menstruation. When a woman is a menstruant, she does not make physical contact with her husband, until she immerses in a mikva, a ritual bath containing "mayim chayim" [waters of life - derived from active sources such as certain large bodies of water or rain] When a person dies, the body has "tumas mais," the spiritual uncleanness of death. A Kohain is not allowed to do certain kinds of Temple service if he makes contact with a dead body. For that reason, a Kohain is not allowed in a cemetery or hospital except when necessary for immediate relatives or certain emergencies. If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site. With best wishes, RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE ---------------------------------- I have a question and a comment. First the Comment: Under 'Finding your Zivug' the second set of 10 issues mentioned, number four I believe it is says something like "Note: It is unhealthy to miss someone while you are apart......and to wish to be apart from them while you are together." please notice the wording as I believe you intend to say something a little different. If I'm wrong then I really don't get the first part at all. Now the question: If a relatively uneducated BT man has been planning for some time to go to yeshiva and is introducted (NY/LA) to a woman suddenly whom he may consider to be his besherte, how long would it be appropriate for him to ask her to wait, while he is gone to Eretz Yisroel? (Both are 35 years old, the woman has never married, the man has/keine kinder.) PS.. how can a more learned woman gently inspire a man away from the rock music/sports etc, if he says he wants a kosher home but his Rabbi is into those things too? (Should yeshiva 'fix' that?) Todah Rabah! A: BS"D First, the point of the text to which I believe you refer is that some people long for a member of the opposite gender when apart but they do not really get along or treat each other nicely when together. I have seen many such cases and I was saying, if I recall your reference correctly, that this is unhealthy. When the couple are pleased when with each other, that is good sign, but that is not always the way relationships work out. Let me know if this clarifies what you found confusing. I do NOT believe that a relationship exists if one must make a fundamental change that requires time AND trust that the changes are real and sustainable. My policy is to tell singles (e.g. whan there are religious or pyschological problems), with wording modified to suit your situation and personalities: "I need someone with [this and that characteristic]. If you change yourself in a way that is real and that I can rely on, you can contact me when changed, if I am still single at the time, and we can proceed from there if appropriate." If a woman wants to wait, it is not a question of something right vs. wrong but rather what she wants regarding that man and what she wants to do with her life. A man has the pressure of the mitzva to have children. She has more ability to use the time as she wants. Again, my experience is that it is generally not practical to wait for someone who has to make changes upon which having a relationship depends. The changes may not last, may not be enough, may be defined by two differing interpretations, may be more than the person can or will want to deliver. Meanwhile, the two of you are living different lives. You cannot live one life together whan you are living two different lives - and cannot trust for sure that you will come to one level of Yiddishkeit. I don't understand how a Torah-true rabbi can advocate rock music and sports. The only value of sports is one's health (not being a fan of commercial sports) and rock music is to my thinking entirely unholy and traif. Is the rabbi perhaps just "tolerating" these for someone new to Torah, to not turn him off? The only possible approach that I think means anything is to softly but firmly say "I need a Torah atmosphere in my home. I cannot be at one with Rock music or commercial sports. I certainly don't want any child of mine exposed to these. How do you feel about living without these, if we were to become serious?" Leave him to answer as he wants and deal with the reality of his position and feelings. You may not be compatible. No one can say if yeshiva will "fix" these. Are you flexible? Might he restrict these to out of the house? Is he interested in serious learning enough that he just might get enough Torah into his head and heart for learning to take care of this by itself? Would you be OK with a compromise or not? Do you have a rav who might talk to him? How might you inspire and encourage him in Torah? My hunch is that you have to tell him clearly what your position is and that that Yiddishkeit is not negotiable. It sounds like a question of whether he is prepared to be someone you are religiously compatible with. The main thing is for you to know what you stand for and what your priorities are. Your answers will stem from within, from your inner-claification. If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site. With best wishes, RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE [Second QUESTION from same person, proceeding from Rabbi Forsythe's response] Dear Rabbi Forsythe, Could you possibly address the sociological changes that are coming to yiddishkeit as affects relationship, marriage and family? I was recently in a discussion with a mashpia about how the men that we women meet these days seem to be so boyish...even in their 30's and 40's and beyond…and actually he's the one that said that... they play games and toy with us for weeks vascillating on making decisions after getting both sides all involved and then the minute you say, 'HEY!" and ask for some kind of answer so your friends (who are trying to host things) can have something to work with, they run off, accusing you of being whatever, so they don't have to feel bad. I had one 'reference' completely try and talk me out of marrying this guy saying that he would just go to Yeshiva and come back and relax back to his old self and could I live with that... never mind she is VERY modern orthodox and doesn't want him to be any more observant than she is. Here's the email I wrote to the mashpia. I felt it had some merit and I wondered if you have any thoughts about it? [Beginning of letter being quoted:] "Thanks for talking with me earlier but, honestly, it's true what I said.. about there being twice as many women out there looking for shidduch and how it just can't be 'fair' for everyone. I know so many lonely women in yiddishkeit, there's really no reason I should be any different just because I'm a few years younger... the upsurgance is amongst BT's and Gerim who were married as Christians or whatever and convert together. Often the men are so busy 'proving' their 'no-longer-xtian' status that they refuse to marry anyone who is even BT and want to wipe out the reminders of the past by taking women who are long in yichus or some other interesting thing like that. That also makes it interesting for the men who are BT and not ger who are doing the same thing to wipe out their past. The politics in making a shidduch anymore seem to be almost insur- mountable. Whatever happened to two people just realizing they had a lot in common and checking into whether they're meant to be together or not? (And actually davening about it somewhere in the process?) The face of yiddishkeit is changing dramatically and I'm just not so sure I fit anymore. My friends are good people, faithful to a fault… deserving, certainly deserving... and the men these days wouldn't give them a second thought because they're not young and cute and blah blah… please. Like I said, if there are any 'real men' left.. they probably want someone half my age who will worship them and think everything they do is wonderful.. I want a true partner from the beginning.. I guess that's too intimidating for them to hear that because someone will inevitably come along who's more naive and with less conviction and he'll chose her. But then, is there any doubt in our minds why there is such an uprising in divorce in yiddishkeit? Idealism and hormones and a 10K dollar broken glass does not a marriage make. Sigh... Thanks for your comforting words but this is yet another area that doesn't seem to be addressed in the community and it's really doing a lot of damage to singles and marrieds alike. Kol Tov, Simcha-Chaya" [End of quoted letter] So... do you have any thoughts? There's so many issues like this that I wish the Rabbaim would get together in the communities about and address...everything from women's learning to shidduchim, but they don't. They say that there are 'more important things to deal with'. Dear Rabbi, earnestly, what could be more important than that women (who's role it is to impart yiddishkeit to the children and among BT's, haven't been trained) should be able to read and understand at least as much as their FFB fourth graders when they come home from school.. (And not have to pay three tutors a week per child just to keep up with their college-priced education that is lacking severely on several levels - I've worked in the schools, I know.) Or what could be more important than this downhill trend in issues of shidduchim? With families being built on premise like I mentioned, which I have seen far and wide, by and large throughout the branches of yiddishkeit... what hope will children have of being raised in homes that stay together... if any can come of the situation at all (if people ever even get together). I have to say also that a large number of the men who are 'out there' now at my age, are either bitterly divorced, are extremely critical or can't seem to break away from Eema and Abba's apron strings enough to marry a woman who is as much as what they've ever desired but doesn't make the parents so happy for some silly reason. Isn't it the couple who has to live together? Some friends have subsidizing and a vision for someone to start a frum foster home because of the severe need and I always said no because I thought I would lose my own chance for a shidduch if I commit to several years with the kinderlach but I see now how wrong I probably was and that it was wrong to be selfish... At the rate things are going and Chas V'Shalom, it would seem we're about 10 years too late on 'just beginning' such projects. I think I should probably just go ahead and gather my other single friends and resign myself to knowing the joy of making a child who's not my own, happy... and give them a chance to bring a new face to frumkeit when it's their turn. Maybe people will have realized the affects of what has happened by then and there will be much more hope for them. It would be hard anyway, Bli Eyin Hora, can you imagine? At the rate of shidduchim politics right now... can you imagine how it would be for some ziesekind to hear the shadchan's comments when they say they were raised in a foster home? I'd have to adopt them all probably just to give them a chance. They'd have to make shadchans who specialize in finding shidduchim for 'familially detached' singles. Wahhh it's so frustrating! Can you offer any sanity to something that looks rather bleak? I wouldn't have brought it up if I hadn't experienced it or seen it so prevelant. Todah Rabbah! Simcha-Chaya A: BS"D Dear Simcha-Chaya, Emotional maturation is something of a "lost art" for boys and it is getting worse and worse. In cases that I know of, when educators have been asked to do something about it, especially regarding preparing the boys to be shidduchim, it is derided as "bitul Torah," not as important as learning Torah. Further, educators claim this should be done in the home. Meanwhile, how are boys to fulfill Torah requirements about being a responsible and mature husband? Some work out fine, some work out abysmally. There is no standard, so "it's a roll of the dice." Some yeshivos impart good midos admirably, in some "it's all talk and no action." All a girl can do is check references (which I advocate "the more the merrier," so you can better snif out inconsistencies, half-truths or fabrication about a shidduch). I don't understand many yeshivos' avoidance of more direct and diligent work to develop the personalities and character of their boys. They say it's not tzneeyus to talk about relating to women openly, which is true, so they have a halachic validation for avoiding direct public discussing of man-woman topics. But universal interpersonal and mussar principles can be taught and even stressed, so boys learn basics of being a mentsh and behaving like a true adult. When he gets engaged, he should be inundated with training on how to relate properly and like a ben Torah to a wife. These are essentials of Torah! How about one-on-one, or other attempts to be resourceful and pro-active? I also don't get it. It is not consistent. It can be very damaging. It is getting worse and worse with time. I know one educator who says he sees a "generation's worth of decline" in the boys every five years. I know one dayan [Torah court judge] with much gitten [divorce case] experience who wanted to speak in yeshivos to help turn the tide of unpreparedness for lasting marriage. They wouldn't let him in! So, you're wrong to say this is brand new. Your right in just about everything else you've said, although it's not the "party line" to admit it in some yeshivos. Yes, some boys come out of yeshivos behaving like girls are toys; but don't feel badly: that's their approach to everything in life - they're not just picking on girls! That's one of the reason's my site extends beyond relating. Without the personal development and proper hashkofa, there is no foundation with which to fulfill any relationship. As for your letter to your mashpia, you are very astute to see that there are politics of relating instead of just plain relating, these days, which is destructive and artificial. However, I agree that your mashpia has more on the ball than you may give credit for. Your boy friend is not solid and shows no reliable evidence that he will live a life you can count on being compatible with. The main thing I get from your letter to your mashpia is that you are very emotional and frustrated, which is not helpful. I advocate your keeping your high standards. Just keep trying to make "targeted" sensible acquaintances who can get to know you and go on the look-out for you. Pray to Hashem for help, salvation and mercy. Work on making yourself the best possible mate another could have or hope for. Your job is your hishtadluss, your work to find a mate AND your RESPONSIBILITY to be your best potential self, so you can give your bashert the best mate. Circulate prudently, letting "quality people" get to know you WELL and know that you are "looking." Look to find that quality man and to have a family of your own, in normal fashion. If you want to do work with Jewish kids who need love or help, it is a fine way to keep yourself occupied and to apply warmth and talent for practical mitzvos. The Chafetz Chayim said that one cannot just try to change the world. It doesn't happen. The way it works, he said, is that when you change yourself, the impact of your perfected self will make changes in the world. If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site. With best wishes, RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE ---------------------------------- Question: I read on the web that in order to convert you have be approved by a beis din. I would like to convert because I feel through my reading that this is the only true religion, that the only one true GOD has lead me here, and I would like to better serve him. My question is do you now were I can go to be approved, or who I can speak to to do so ? I have been reading my weekly Torah lessons over the internet. I am on my 7th lesson, and I feel I need more. A: With the help of Heaven Nov. 5 To convert one needs much more than to be APPROVED by a bais din. One must basically transform whom (s)he is, so that (s)he becomes a vessel for G-d's Torah, with complete commitment to accept all of the 613 commandments incumbent upon the Jew, with the thousands of laws and ethics that go with practical fulfillment of this. You must be prepared to be transformed into a spiritual being, devoted at every moment and under the most severe or difficult challenges, to service His will. Once a Jew, there is no turning back, whether a Jew by birth or conversion. The status is permanent. You will have altered and redefined your soul. There is no changing or converting yourself to anything else. Some of the commandments are very fulfilling but many of them are very difficult. We are limited in our physical lives, seriously restricted by many kinds of laws, including, for example, dietary, the conduct of marital life, monetary, sabbath, holidays even emotions and character traits are governed e.g. not to have hate or grudge or anger, uncompromisable honesty, fear of sin, humility. It is entirely possible to remain non-Jewish and serve G-d in the role of "Righteous Gentile," by observing seven universal commandments faithfully, being a friend to the Jewish people and recognizing G-d everywhere and at all times. If one is genuinely prepared for all of the obligations and sacrifices of becoming a Jew, one must learn and know enough to be equipped to be observant to an adequate extent from "day one" of being Jewish. This entails practical law and ceremonies as well developing control over emotions and character traits, faith in G-d [e.g. even if He sends you suffering that make you perplexed about His justice or if He sends you hard trials that test your integrity or decency as a human being]. The commitment must be very real and ongoing, the way you would never think twice about not breathing. You will NOT get enough from any internet site to be prepared, if you are serious about converting. You MUST learn Torah from an experienced orthodox rabbi or teaching institution, expertly geared to training sincere applicants for conversion. Besides studying for conversion, there are questions about your current life and interpersonal relationships that you would have to take to a living Torah mentor. You would need at least two rabbinic references who are able to vouch that you are ready to live as a Torah Jew, that you are permanently committed to doing so and that it is valid for you to approach a bais din to be considered for conversion. Internet is great for getting facts, but doesn't replace a living, breathing and qualified teacher with whom you have a personal connection. If the internet site you referred to gave you any impression that there is any less required TO EVEN START SERIOUSLY EXPLORING BECOMING JEWISH, they msut be notified to either convey all that is required or they will mislead people through either falsity or ommission, which is unacceptable, even if they mean well. There must be stress on all of these points, including readiness for practice and sacrifice, needing living teachers and references, devotion to G-d and His teachings and non-negotiably fulfilling His will at all times, etc. So, please do not think you must "just be referred to a bais din." That is far too simple and unrealistic. It's not like signing up for a passport application or registering for a school. It is redifining who you really are and always will be and how you will live every moment for the rest of your life. Torah law is very specific. YOU MUST FIRST TRANSFORM YOURSELF INTO THE PERSON WHO BAIS DIN CAN CAUSE CONVERSION TO TAKE EFFECT ON. Sincerely, Rabbi Forsythe P.S. It is G-d's will that mankind fulfill the "seven commandments of the descendants of Noah." These constitute minimal religious requirements, in the eyes of G-d, for all who are not Jewish. In brief, I will summarize the basics of the seven universal commandments, which aren't necessarily the same as the more famous "Ten Commandments." 1. To believe only in One G-d, invisible and infinite, sole authority and creator, and to not believe in nor serve in any way any other entity, whether with belief in G-d also or without belief in G-d also. 2. Not to say anything bad against G-d e.g. blasphemy, vulgarity, to curse or deny Him. 3. Not to murder, including abortion, mercy killing of someone fatally ill, trapping or tying a person and leaving him subject to danger or starvation. One can kill someone chasing another who threatens to kill (the one pursued) if there is no way to stop the pursuer other than by killing. This is only to save the victim from being killed. If the pursuer could be stopped without killing (e.g. wounding), killing the pursuer would be murder. 4. Forbidden relations including with certain close family members (whether by blood or by marriage, even after the death of the blood relative), adultery, relations with an animal or a male with another male whether a male adult or child. 5. Prohibition of theft of anything worth any amount, whether sneaky (e.g. burglary or embezzlement) or in the open (e.g. armed robbery or snatching a woman's necklace), whether stealing property (e.g. money or objects) or a person (i.e. kidnapping) or causing damages, whether by taking what someone else has or withholding what you have but which someone else has the right to (e.g. not paying an employee or creditor on time or not working during time when you are being paid to work). 6. Do not tear off and eat the limb or meat of a living animal (this is a prototype of prohibition to do anything that is cruel, barbaric or uncivil). 7. Set up a system of courts to enforce the above and maintain a civil society. There are many details pertaining to the above. There are also miscellaneous matters. For some examples: when one is in trouble or in need of something, it is appropriate to pray to G-d; one's overall conduct with others should be courteous, pleasant and honorable; one should constantly have and express appreciation to G-d for the gifts and benefits He gives; if one has done a sin, one should repent and commit himself promptly to never doing the wrong again. In direct correlation to one's fulfillment of his obligations in the service of G-d, and living a righteous and spiritual life, one creates what his own eternity will be. It is not a matter of salvation. It is a matter living to serve G-d, doing His will at every moment during earthly life - especially at times of test, in the way that accords with whether one is a Jew or non-Jew. Each individual himself is responsible for what is in store for him, by his own making. Heaven's judgement is fair, precise and truthful; the ramifications eternal. Question: I have a 23 year old daughter who is looking for her zivug for the last 3 years. About a year ago she met a nice bacur. They seemed to have "clicked" but on one date he was very late and did not tell my daughter. My daughter was very upset but still had a nice date. But since she was so upset she wanted to call it off. I convinced to try it again. They went out again and the bachur made a slide remark about her being makpid on time. That hurt my daughter feelings and she called it off. By question is that I think she feels sorry for calling it off. should I suggest to start this sidduch again A: I agree with your daughter, for several reasons; but I can understand your concern about losing a possible bashert, if there is some reasonable basis for their having a solid relationship. The Torah prohibits gezel (theft) and requires return of something stolen, if one did steal. Time is a thing which if stolen, can never be repaid. Being irresponsible or selfish about time, coming late without justification or notice, is stealing time and it is a most severe form of theft because stolen time can never be paid back. Further stealing time is a little bit of murder because the thief of time has taken the ability to have a full life from the person being kept waiting. This, to me, is a very serious avaira. Further, he made it worse by not doing tshuva or feeling at least remorse and apologetic for his behavior. Chazal tell us kol haposail bimumo hu posail [one who delegitimizes reveals what is his own blemish]. He was entirely at fault for being sarcastic and making your daughter "posul" for caring about time. He was not only an inconsiderate theif, he tried to sarcastically evade responsibility by making your daughter into a "nut" or "oversensitive." When I do private counseling, this is a way a person acts to make the other entirely blameworthy and onself a tzadik so as to never work on faults or the relationship. Such people can not resolve differences or marital troubles. If you feel there is some basis for pursuing the relationship, and that the boy is an "unpolished jewel," and can mekabel tochocha [accept rebuke maturely and repair his behavior] rather than an "oisvarf," call him. Tell him straight that on the one hand you see potential for this and that reason but, on the other hand, that his behavior was non-negotiably not acceptable and abusive. If he is willing to do tshuva shalima, in a permanent and trustworthy way, you'll intervene to resuscitate the shidduch, and if not, your daughter and he are irreconcilably through. In any event, do not be angry or rude or upset. Speak gently, with kavod habrios (respect), and with concern for his neshama, marriageability and his olam habo. Be a kiddush HaShem and a model for relating like a mentsh that he might, if he chooses to, learn Torah behavior from. Your daughter obviously deserves someone fine and a "two-way-streeter," and in this there is no compromising. His behavior is not an option in a marriage or in a ben Torah. If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisreal "Ask Your Question" site. With best wishes, RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE ---------------------------------- Q: I have been investigating the possibility and viability of holding a "speeddating" event in Yerushalayim, based upon the membership of "singles" shuls - over as large a catchment area as possible. I have no experience though I am capable of organising events, nor am I a shadchan (though I would need to use the services of one to match the forms of participants, which I would collect via email.) Apart from fliers, I do not foresee much financial expense and do not want to charge, however I want to emphasise that this would be sensitively and professionally done with realistic chances of success. Please, please - my question is for as much advice as possible, and as quickly as possible. As far as I have learned, the few "speeddating" events in Yerushalayim have been limited to a shadchan's or organisation's list of registered members. (However, "speeddating" is still rare here and I am not familiar with the rules or subtlities involved but I have received very positive responses to go ahead.)Therefore, I am looking to attract people registered with many shadchanim as well as those who have never registered. Please would you give me advice, make suggestions or comments as to how to proceed, etc. How many people does one need to make an event viable? Should it be limited to only English speakers, only for 25-45 year olds, (I am limiting this to only Dati/Chardal)? What questions are forbidden to be asked? I understand the norm to be for each person to meet 7-8 "potential shidduchim" with 7-8 minutes each? Would variations be as effective? What should be the ambience of the location - informal, with refreshments, to duplicate a "hottel lobby atmosphere?! Is it a good idea first of all to find out how many people would be interested before deciding to definitely hold the event and send out forms to be completed before the event? And to make the idea attractive, what should be included in the initial fliers? I cannot use the term "speeddating" and quick-dating is being used by another organisation. Two idea I have are "Match and Catchability" and "Eight Shidduchim Closer". WHat do you think? Whether you yourself can or cannot help, please would you recommend others and article s to read about this? I did approach an experienced Torah organisation for this advice but was shocked to receive only a notice not to use their patented term, "Speeddating". Thank you so, so much for any help you can offer. I have read your column in the Jewish Press for several years and am delighted that you have opened this website. Tizkeh l'mitzvos. A: Fri. July 21, '00 You ask a very wide question. Much of what I would answer you is on my site in the Find Your Zivug section (e.g. see Community Involvement, Responsible Matchmaking, Healthy Selection & True Readiness, etc). Much of the principles are there. I do not know about speeddating, although my tendency is to work on an in-depth individual basis. I take matching two lives, and the prospects for pain or disaster, seriously. I know nothing of how well or effectively speedating works so I can neither endorse or advise on it. What success ratio do these events have (ratio of number of people to meaningful dates to meaningful relationships to LASTING marriages)? If you want to run events, I would use successful shadchanim who are substantial people, not shallow people whose work is rushed, superficial or arbitrary. The number of people at an event should be enough to create a reasonable pool of similar singles who stand to meet in some meaningful way. I would target at least 80-100, half of each gender, as a minimum. I don't know if English is as important as all being able to communicate (e.g. 1. English as a second language and 2. all of them mature enough to communicate IN AN ADULT FASHION, regardless of language). Set up criteria that help assure enough similarity to make "hooking up" practical. Age 25-40, as you suggest is reasonable, but I would use ages that address the local population and its need, more than just inventing a good-sounding number. What is the age group most in need of help in your vicinity? Religiosity must be in the "same ballpark," as should as many other criteria as possible (e.g. workers vs. yeshivish; which culture people come from might be relevant, hashkofa-type, etc.). I would have rabbis, rebitzens, Torah teachers, or other trusted people refer individuals to you, rather than going out into the open market, so you have some "quality control" and an emphasis on "human qualities," which are priorities in marriages. Rather than making a questionaire (some types of questions are on my site, eg. Responsible Matchmaking), they screen and choose people they think are marriage-material, hand pick and refer them to you. If you need a questionaire, make as many questions as possible open-ended essay questions, because simple yes-no or multiple choice can suggest or limit answers, and you want the person to answer from his/her own mind (except basics e.g. name). Ask for honest date of birth, not age, and make clear that you will drop anyone caught in lying or misrepresenting about anything e.g. age or health or religious-commitment level. I wouldn't be concerned about asking questions that yield relevant info so much as revealing info without halachic permission. You need to know a person's personality & backround & religious-commitment-level & trustworthiness. Get at least three references. Refer to my site, I don't have time to devise a custom question list. Yes find out if there is enough interest before planning any event. If you can get 50 expressing interest, you can get 100 when actually publicized. Flier must have time and place and describe what is unique about your offer and brief highlights of how it works and benefits attendees. How about "Catch-A-Match"? Talk to shadchanim in local yeshivas including baal tshuva yeshivos in your Yerushalayim vicinity. Yes ambiance has some bearing, but it is more important to have enough space for the expected crowd and practical facilities (e.g. food, tables, sleeping if a lot of out-of-towners or shabatone format). You need dedicated and capable staff, people with good people skills, warmth, mesiras nefesh for mitzvos and who understand matchmaking on a high and intelligent level. This will be too big a scale for you to work on alone and you need a generous and meaningful ratio of staff to attendees, especially if you want singles helped to meet other singles at the event or for follow-up after the event. I hope this is helpful and satisfactory. Good shabos. If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisreal "Ask Your Question" site. With best wishes, RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE ---------------------------------- Question: Lichvod Harav, Thank you for your time- My questions are in regards to a Shidduch- A month ago i found myself on a shidduch website searching through the Bachurim section... I found one that seemed fitting so i figured i would try it out... He and I have been corresponding via email for the past month and from what we have told each other it seems to be matim.... we are now in the process of going through the references to check up on everything.... In fact, it turns out that my roomate from seminary last year knows him.... as well as my old high school principal... In any case he is in Eretz Yisroel now as I am in chutz laaretz and BH i am returning to E"Y for "shana bet" in seminary after Yom Kippur... I need a bit of hadracha help being that i am unable to get in touch with my Rav and that i am a Baalas Teshuva and i have just recently familiarized myself with the shidduch world..... (He also happens to be a Baal Teshuva...unfortunately, unlike myself he had to struggle with his parents in order to become frum ) Being that he did not have his parents to back him up in becoming a BT he confided in his rabanim so i am IYH going to be in touch with the one he is closest with on sunday- i need help in my questioning- i would like to ask questions regarding his character in becoming frum- like did his struggle reflect a character who was just simply driven towards hashem and avodas hashem like Avraham Avinu AH who recognized the fact that there was in fact one single "baal habira" and that we must serve him OR did it just reflect something rebellious (C"V)?- how do i go about asking a question like this or finding out something in like this? Also to add to the struggle, he has been engaged, married, and now divorced- from the research i have done so far - he recognized something wrong right after the engagement and did not want to go through with the marriage but his rav told him to go through with it... in the end she acted as if there was nothing after the wedding, she did not treat him as her husband, in fact seemed to be controlling him (usually is the opposite isnt it?) In any case this would seem like a down that he has gone through this, but he seems like such a great person, amazing masmid, talmud chochom, has similar goals to myself in life, nice, caring,great person, and so like you have said Rabbi Forsythe, we should not hold the past against them, he has done teshuva, and it seems as though he was not the one forcing himself into that situation.... And here i am with my first shidduch- how do you think i should approach this? what types of questions in this regard would be good for asking more references? I also have to approach my parents about him (because it seems so matim) is it necessary for me to notify them of his being divorced? if so how do i approach this? If it helps decipher any of this i am 18 he is 23 and if everything is good BH when i come to EY in Tishrei we will meet each other and start dating.... In any case i appreciate your time and efforts- Thanx so much! Have an easy and meaninful fast and may Bnei Yisroel's tefillos be answered! Thanx again! A: July 21 Your question about his character and religious development is excellent and can be asked just as you did with me - word it from your heart and on the point, it is fine. Contact at least three different references, the more, the better. You need to learn both sides to the story about his former marriage. Verify if his rav forced him into a bad marriage (he may need a new rav) or if there is more to the failure than you now know. Find out from each of the references how he handles nisyonos (tests, challenges, struggle, things not going his way) that show his true character, this may help tell if he is really as developed as you think and hope. E.g. is there any sign of instability, irresponsibility, temper or selfishness? Don't be so open minded that you become naive. This needs balance and practicality, not only for your sake but for the health and well-being of potential children. You are only 18. It is natural to want to be married, but do not rush or feel pressured or desperate. Follow your instincts, whether to go forward or break off with anyone; but, get objective and mature feedback, have advisors who can help polish you and your judgement. Ask references what his weaknesses and needs are, what would his bashert have to compensate for, help him with, tolerate. Tell them in a nice way that you are makpid on truth and on appropriate disclosure of information that has bearing on a marriage enduring. Be willing to return the favor to his questions. Refer to the relevant sections of my Find Yor Zivug site, such as Loshon Hora, Healthy Mate selection and True Readiness. Also see "Bashow" for its advise on questioning and getting info. Tell your parents about his divorce AFTER you have done all your research, so you can give them an informed basis for having an impression. Don't just throw the word "divorce" at them or you are asking for panic. Who gave his get? Make sure he has concluded giving a get through a recognized bais din [ask your rov if he accepts the bais din]. Till you have proof [sanctioned by a rav] that he is free, you cannot consider him to be single. Find out clearly before getting emotionally involved. The Steipler said not to be impressed that a boy is a masmid till you know he has good midos. Find out if his tshuva and qualities are trustworthy, complete and constant. Also find out about his hashkofos, does he do chesed, behave with derech eretz and how he treats girls on dates. Hashem should help you to find the right one, at the right time and help it to be happy and permanent. Also, help yourself: don't just ask "How can I get a great mate?", ask "How can I be a great mate?" Hashem is more likely to help those who are commited to GIVING THE OTHER PERSON A GREAT MATE." If you work at this honestly, you will merit a "walking jewel" from Hashem. Good shabos. If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisreal "Ask Your Question" site. With best wishes, RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE ---------------------------------- Question: Hello Rabbi, A: BS"D I am certain that you ask your question in all sincerity. I see two parts to it: its aspect as an inquiry into a Jewish law and a focus on the conduct of another person. Orthodox Judaism is defined by its Torah [instruction] and a person's adherence is measured by observance of the Torah. This entails first and foremost laws; and also other elements such as character, ethics, values and philosophy. Yes, Jewish law generally prohibits abortion with the exception only of when the gestating baby inside the mother constitutes a danger to the life of the mother. At least one expert doctor and Torah law authority must be consulted on a case by case basis to obtain an individual ruling, based on the medical and Torah considerations of the case. Every individual has free will choice and is accountable to Heaven for his use of it, and for his handling of life's trials and pressures, at each and every moment of life. Each individual decides whatever he does, on each occasion or in each subject area, based on a complex package of such factors as his motives, interests, history, religious and secular education, conditioning, environment, maturity, intellect and psychological composition. In matters of what is right in the eyes of the Torah, one must take his individual questions to a Torah authority for guidance. If one decides on his own, he may make an error, especially since people tend to have subjectivity, vested interests, inconsistencies and/or lack of authoritative knowledge. I do not know how it could be consistent for a Torah Jew to advocate for widespread or legalized abortion on demand, at any stage of gestation, early or late. Each must really take responsibility for his own conduct and ideas and work to make himself better and better. The most constructive approach that I have found is for each to accept responsibility to work on himself, look to the Torah for its instruction and not be focussed on how others handle their Torah observance; unless one has training to make a constructive, educating and encouraging difference. Ultimately, we each are accountable to Heaven for our conduct and decisions. By becoming greater and greater, we each can have more impact by our example and knowledge, than by looking at what others do or don't do. It takes a lot of knowledge to be able to make judgements about people or Torah questions. That is one of G-d's "jobs" and He has been doing it a lot longer and better than any mortal. If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisreal "Ask Your Question" site. With best wishes, RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE ---------------------------------- Question: Dear Rabby Forsythe, Sincerely yours A: BS"D Yes you do have to disclose that you had a broken engagement but I don't see it as necessary right away. I would only tell the shadchan(s) if the break (or reason for it) impacts on what kind of person you are (e.g.: unstable, dishonest; which I am not suggesting you are - just as examples). If the break up has no objective impact on who you are, your character or conduct or what is a match-up for you is IN THE PRESENT (not when you broke off, because you may have changed or grown since then), I would only reveal it to the girl after you begin a relationship, but DEFINITELY before she becomes emotionally involved or serious about you. Then you would be guilty of deception and block blessing from coming on the shidduch. As long as the girl knows when she can accept the true information objectively, before emotional involvement, she will be able to consider it in whatever way she sees fit to make a proper decision for herself and you will be clean of any sin. You have to be very honest about 1. whether there is anything of the break that has relevance or impact NOW and 2. balancing the timing your revelation early enough to be fair to the girl and not so early that you will be prejudged. Since you may have set ups that are not serious, and only go and date or two, it is not obligatory to tell every girl who may date you briefly and never see you again. We want fairness to both. You do not have to settle for important things or consider yourself second class ON CONDITION you are giving a girl a man (yourself) who is not second class. Never compromise on midos [good character traits], good heart and hashkofos, Torah and mitzvos, compatible temperament, similar life direction and values. You other questions about recognizing a basherte and what to tell a shadchan are discussed in my site and in my current "Matching" series in the Jewish Press. You want to present yourself as a suitable shidduch without exaggeration or deception, indicating what kind of girl is compatible. If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site. With best wishes, RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE ---------------------------------- Question: In regards to human relationships (be it business, personal, family, marriage or community), I find that all peoples have at the very basis of their society the following two laws if they are to continue to function and advance. These laws are as follows: (1) Do no harm or injury to any person or their property. (2) Do all that you have said (agreed/vowed) you will do. Does the Torah support the two laws? Do you know of any in Rabbi that would disagree with these two unwritten laws? Does it matter if the injured party is not Jewish? In Judaism is it ever permissible (short of war, self defense from assault, or State sanctioned corporal punishment) to injure someone either physically (person or property) or emotionally (hopes, dreams or rights) If one does injure someone emotionally what is the role of repentance and what restitution is required? If a person said that they repented and G-D forgave them but they did not repair the damage or heal the injury caused the other person, are they repentant and forgiven? A: BS"D Dear James, Harm is forbidden to a person, to his property and to intangibles such as hurting feelings, misleading or wasting his time. See my Interpersonal subsites on "SENSITIVITY & NOT HARMING," "DERECH ERETZ" and "PEACE," and the Anger-Quarrels subsite HOW TO SUCCESSFULLY WORK ON ANGER AND QUARRELS for more on related subjects. Repentance requires 1. sincere remorse, 2. admitting the sin privately to G-d, 3. commitment to abandon the bad behavior and to never repeat it in the future; and if the sin was against another; 4. to appease and make restitution for damage done, so that there are forgiveness, peace and friendship as much as possible. In cases of interpersonal sins, G-d forbid, without step four (making the wrong right, e.g. paying for damages and obtaining forgiveness), repentance has not been achieved. The wounded party is not supposed to be cruel to withhold forgiveness, if the steps of repentance have been properly carried out by the perpetrator. G-d does not forgive an interpersonal sin until the wounded party forgives it. If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site. With best wishes, RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE ---------------------------------- Question: Dear Rabbi, Despite this I find it very difficult to accept the story of revelation i.e, the oral and written Torah were dictated word for word to Moses by G-d. I do not completely disbelieve this premise but I do find it difficult to wholly accept. Will I be severely punished for this by G-d? Despite these doubts - I believe in G-d and hope to find a way I can build a relationship with him. Please email me your reply, shalom A: BSD Dear Sammy, 2. The Torah commands all Jewish men to go to the Holy Temple three times every year for Passover, Shevuos and Sukkos. They left their homes, farms, businesses, wives, children and property. In all of the years of this Biblical practice, NEVER ONCE have Israel's enemies attacked. We were vulnerable to substantial harm three times every year, but G-d saw to it that our enemies never managed to attack at just these times, when we could have been ransacked, plundered, annihilated. 3. For a fish to be kosher, it must have fins and scales. The Mishna says that every fish that has scales has fins, but not necessarily the other way around. If the Torah were not from G-d, the Mishna could not have said something that could be scientifically invalidated over time and call the Torah's authenticity into question. 4. For meat to be kosher, the animal must have two signs: split hooves AND chew its cud. When the Torah warns against eating forbidden species, it lists four which have only one sign: either having split hooves OR chews its cud. Again, the world has never discovered another species which has only one, but not both. 5. The laws for most commandments are reserved for the oral law. The Torah itself does not list the details of most laws. The Torah describes that meat must be properly slaughtered to be kosher. The laws of how to slaughter are in the oral law. The Torah says to slaughter as G-d described, and then does not describe the rules! Obviously, the Torah is saying there is an oral law with more detailed rules. 6. The evil Billam prays that he have the death of the righteous. If there weren't eternal life after this world, it would not make sense for the Torah to record Billam's prayer to die like the righteous. 7. During creation, G-d said "Let us make man." Later in the Torah, G-d says that He is One. Is it a contradiction? Who is the "us?" The oral law says that G-d had created angels by this time and that G-d addressed them to teach that when we do something that impacts anyone else, even their feelings, we must give them courtesy. Even if someone might say, "Maybe there is more than one G-d," it is too important to teach those who wish to learn truth to be courteous of others. Only a G-d concerned with goodness would say that the teaching of courtesy to others is more important that making man without concern for other's feelings. 8. Till the Ten commandments, people said that G-d is out for His own glory. When G-d gave the Ten Commandments and included, "Honor your father and mother," people saw that He was not concerned that He take honor, but that honor be given where it is appropriate. There are many examples that show that the Torah is divine. Many of the mitzvos would not make sense for humans to have originated, to limit and impose upon themselves as they must, when obeying the laws. Obviously, it transcends human limitation and the origin of its wisdom is greater than human. I noticed when I was a youth learning Talmud in yeshiva that the gemora's conceptual handling of its issues was organic like an intellectual corollary of body system pictures I had seen in a biology text book. Secular educational theory breaks language and math/logic into two mental functions in separate parts of the brain, whereas gemora blends and integrates the two into a conceptual unity, further demonstrating to me that the oral Torah and the human brain both come from the same source: G-d, and that Torah education is perfectly matched to the way G-d created the brain. These are just some of the things that occur to me. I hope you will investigate further, including undertaking serious Torah learning on a steady basis, even if at a beginner's level, from qualified Torah schalors in your vicinity. If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site. With best wishes, RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE ---------------------------------- Question: I'm a 25 year old female and I would consider myself a baalas tshuva since highschool. I happen to have a best friend (male) whom I have known for almost 10 years now. He is not orthodox and although I have had numerous discussions about the beauty of Judaism with him, he does not seem to be headed in that direction. I have not been speaking to him much for about half a year because I felt my relationship with him was getting in the way with shidduchim. I felt guilty having a platonic relationship(and he knows of all this.) I have to mention that since the time we stopped speaking I have been deeply hurt by everything I told him and for breaking up a friendship that meant so much to me. Not only did I hurt myself , I hurt him as well. I'm very attracted to him (not physically) but emotionally. We grew up together and we know everything about each other. I have helped him and he has helped me with all our hard times growing up. Sometimes I'm not sure I will find someone who will understand me in the same way. I don't know if 'something' would ever work out between this friend of mine and I because as it says in Pirkey Avoth "Any love that depends on a specific cause, when that cause is gone the love is gone." So I'm very confused. Sometimes I'm upset at Judaism too because of the guilt I felt having him as a friend. I want very badly to see him again and speak to him but I don't know what to do. This has been very difficult for me and I need some advice. There may be no answers but I need some direction..I'm very confused.. Thank you for your time. A: I understand your situation and how difficult the emotional base of it is. It is normal and healthy to feel lonely for a meaningful friendship and for secure communication about your inner self. There is more to life than this, however. You cannot be serious awith someone if you live different lives. You will want to keep kosher, shabat, holidays, learn Tora, taharat hamishpacha and send your children to Jewish schools. He will be living in a seperate world. Once married, you have to communicate and cooperate about basic and serious issues of life. On a personal level, the rapport with him may be comfortable, but when it comes to practical life, out side of your inner feelings, you and he will be in two different worlds, with little or no common basis for sharing practical life. It is reasonable to want a partner with whom you share understanding and warmth and compatibility, but you have to share the same goals, values, lifestyle and practice. Otherwise you are saying, when you have a nice door, that you have a nice house. There is no substance, just a partial outer facade, due to your emotions blurring your vision of the total picture. Someone's love for you has to include respect for your life system, and a constant and practical sharing of it. Then, the love approaches the unconditional love which Pirkei Avos says is the love which will endure. If you have further questions, you are welcome to contact me again through my site at Shema. May Hashem help, and send you what you need soon, and in a good way. Rabbi Forsythe. email: shemayisrael.com/rabbiforsythe ---------------------------------- * Question: Dear Rabbi, I am so ashamed and humiliated. I have done a horrible thingand I am hoping and raying that that the is a chance that we will have a jewish marriage one day. We have been together for 26 years. I have loved this man with all of me and kept on waiting for him to settle down. We have one child together and he has six or seven or eight others. After he had brought four of them I told him that I had had enough of it . I love and cared for them as if they were my own any time they were with us. Ithought that he had stopped his madness as s we were getting on so peacefully until six years ago, he brought another baby home. The pain was great but my love was greater and the relationship endured. I believe that he still has relations with the mother of this child. Last year I was told that another baby was born by another woman which he did not deny. At tthe end of the year I was told of another relationship involving another pregnancy which I thought was the last straw. . I got angry and turned to another man for solace. This made me feel worse. I told him of my affair which lasted about three weeks and he beat me. He was in so much pain I thought I would die. I am so sorry for hurting him so much and bringing disgrace and d dishonour to him I feel I'd rather be dead. I have ask ed his forgiveness and have been tryng to make the relationship work but hekeeps reminding me of my wicked act and he will not let it go. From the talmud readings, he says that has an obligation to seperate himself from me although he doees not want to. I wish that I can say that we are observant Jews because we attend synagogue, observe shabbat and all holidays, try to keep kosher and so on ; but what is jewish about the way we have conducted our relationship? I am so ahamed! Please help me. PleaseWe are both hurting and trying to find a resolve which will heal us and bring us to to a true jewish family that we were aspiring to be. We need a miracle. Is there any hope? PS. This is myfirst e-mail and I have not mastered this keyboard yet. I hope that this is legible and not too incoherent. Thank you for giving me the time. Looking forward to hearing from you. A: When the man says he should separate from you, that only applies when one is married and has been unfaithful. Here there is a deeper problem: the very fact that you become so emotionally dependent without getting married to either man. Have you ever been for therapeutic counsleing? You appear to have emotionally dependence on men who make no commitment to you. You should not be in a relationship with any man who cannot make a commitment to (that he can steadily keep!), and - all the moreso - one who brings home baby after baby from different women, one after the other. The thing that differentiates human procreation from that of animals is the sanctity that comes from a couple having exclusive commitment together. You are describing the mating system of animals of the field, not human beings, never mind even moderately religious Jews. You should not be with either man. You should get yourself a therapist to explore why you are so attached to and defensive of "non relationships" that occupy the role of relationships in your life, leaving nothing close to a real relationship aspect of life for you. You have battered self-esteem and put up with things that no one should know about, never mind life constantly with. I sincerely wish that you get yourself rid of those two men, find a Torah observant therapist and a knowledgable accessible rabbi to learn Torah with. Do not think in terms of sin or owing either of these animals of the field an apology. Neither of them is worth knowing. One beats you and the other is trying to start a one-man foundling home. It is absurd to even know people like that, never mind be emotionally addicted to them. Concentrate on getting out and rescuing yourself, not either of them, forget them both like they never were there. Turn your own inner and outer life around, so you can aspire to a real relationship with a worthy man who will appreciate you, be trustworthy, treat you well and give you a good home life and marriage. If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site. With best wishes, RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE P.S. I refer you to the marriage section of my site, Kavod section, section 2: LOVE WITHOUT KAVOD (HONOR) DOES NOT WORK (3 PARTS), portions of TORAH & PSYCHOLOGY, the Finding Your Mate sections of HEALTHY MATE SELECTION and READINESS FOR MARRIAGE and the marriage sections: SHANA RISHONA/MARRIAGE FOUNDATION, FOR THE JEWISH HUSBAND (so you'll see how a husband should behave), FOR THE JEWISH WIFE, HOW A TZADIK TREATS A WIFE, HANDLING FIGHTS & ANGER, DEALING WITH EMOTIONAL ABUSE; as well as the INTERPERSONAL sections on Peace, Derech Eretz, and Not Harming; and the Self-Perfection sections: Good Midos (Character Traits) and Tshuva (Repentance). These will instill good, helpful and encouraging ideas. [Note: the following question and answer are a continuation of the previous] Q: Thank you for your insight to my dilemma. I was describing my relationship with one man not two. The same man to brought all of the babies home , beat me when I started to date someone one else. and I discontinued the new date immediately. I thought that he would marry me so I continuously stayed in the "non-relationship" thinking that he is obligated to marry me after taking 26 years of my life. I feel ashamed and guilty and robbed of my youth by this man.. and going out with someone else has given him an excuse.. I am sorry I gave it to him. I am taking your advice for therapy, There is no observant therapist in Nassau, so I,m seeking one in the Florida area via the web. I also have been reading suggested materials and gettting slight relief. However I still feel a great deal of depression. Thank you once again and do keep me in your prayers. A: I am happy to learn that you are making such an all important move. Stick with it, have high regard for yourself and your quality of life. Remember that neither of these men gave you relationships, they gave you emotional addictions. You must find the reason in yourself why you are attracted to such men. Until you achieve this self-discovery, and the emotional foundation upon which your unhealthy relationship pattern stands; and resolve this satisfactorily within yourself; you will probably continue to be drawn to unhealthy "non-relationships." Instead, I want you to have a sound and happy life and a healthy and proper relationship with a worthy man on a steady and committed basis. Stay with it! OK? All the best. RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE ---------------------------------- Question: Rabbi, I am of the Christian faith but am wondering if you might help me understand what the Jewish concept of salvation is? I would be interested in knowing the historical perspective as well as the contempoary idea. Thank you, A: With the help of Heaven, Sun. Sep. 3, '00 Dear Mr. Brinkley, Thank you for your question. First, I would prefer to replace your term "salvation" with the word "purpose." "Salvation" presumes there is an automatic need to be saved. Judaism does not presume this. It is more a question of what one is living for; what this means for the conduct of one's practical life, and the establishing of one's goals and values. The historical vs. contemporary aspect of your question is a matter of application of the answer in the time in which one lives, not germane to the essence of the answer. What follows is timeless. It is customary to write G-d, without the "o," to convey that He is holy and to show we do not take reference to Him lightly. Each person has a G-d - given imperative to serve and obey G-d. The practical application of this is fulfillment of His will, which defines what is good and correct. Violating His will defines what is evil and wrong. Every one has free choice and the power to choose to do good or bad at every moment. The more one chooses and does good, the more merit he earns and will be rewarded for. The more he chooses and does evil, the more demerit he obtains and is punished for. Each person, therefore, creates what his eternal life will be for his soul by his choices and actions throughout adult life, starting at 13 for a boy, 12 for a girl. A Jew has to fulfill 613 commandments of the Five Books of Moses, with thousands of laws as well as moral, character and philosophical principles. A non-Jew serves G-d by fulfilling the "seven commandments of the descendants of Noah." In brief, I will summarize the basics of the seven universal commandments, which aren't necessarily the same as the more famous "Ten Commandments." 1. To believe only in One G-d, invisible and infinite, sole authority and creator, and to not believe in nor serve in any way any other entity, whether with belief in G-d also or without belief in G-d also. 2. Not to say anything bad against G-d e.g. blasphemy, vulgarity, to curse or deny Him. 3. Not to murder, including abortion, mercy killing of someone fatally ill, trapping or tying a person and leaving him subject to danger or starvation. One can kill someone chasing another who threatens to kill (the one pursued) if there is no way to stop the pursuer other than by killing. This is only to save the victim from being killed. If the pursuer could be stopped without killing (e.g. wounding), killing the pursuer would be murder. 4. Forbidden relations including with certain close family members (whether by blood or by marriage, even after the death of the blood relative), adultery, relations with an animal or a male with another male whether a male adult or child. 5. Prohibition of theft of anything worth any amount, whether sneaky (e.g. burglary or embezzlement) or in the open (e.g. armed robbery or snatching a woman's necklace), whether stealing property (e.g. money or objects) or a person (i.e. kidnapping) or causing damages, whether by taking what someone else has or withholding what you have but which someone else has the right to (e.g. not paying an employee or creditor on time or not working during time when you are being paid to work). 6. Do not tear off and eat the limb or meat of a living animal (this is a prototype of prohibition to do anything that is cruel or barbaric). 7. Set up a system of courts to enforce the above and maintain a civil society. There are many details pertaining to the above. There are also miscellaneous matters. For some examples: when one is in trouble or in need of something, it is appropriate to pray to G-d; one's overall conduct with others should be courteous, pleasant and honorable; one should constantly have and express appreciation to G-d for the gifts and benefits He gives; if one has done a sin, one should repent and commit himself promptly to never doing the wrong again. In direct correlation to one's fulfillment of his obligations in the service of G-d, and living a righteous and spiritual life, one creates what his own eternity will be. It is not a matter of salvation. It is a matter living to serve G-d, doing His will at every moment during earthly life - especially at times of test, in the way that accords with whether one is a Jew or non-Jew. Each individual himself is responsible for what is in store for him, by his own making. Heaven's judgement is fair, precise and truthful; the ramifications eternal. Sincerely, Rabbi Forsythe ---------------------------------- Question: Dear Rabbi Forsythe, We are very blessed to have many guests at our Shabbos Table. Recently a guest made me feel uncomfortable. Is it wrong to avoid contact with this person? He is new to Yiddishkite and often needs a place to go for Shabbos but I still feel uncomfortable being at the table with him. A: I need to know more to give you an answer. What made you so uncomfortable? Is the thing an issur halacha, or something tasteless or tactless that he said? Does he mean harm? Is it your sensitivity or interpretation? Would he accept gentle and constructive tochacha? Could your husband softly talk to him in private about what the Torah says about the issue? Could you learn Torah at the table - and tactfully address the issue as it is brought down in a sefer, so you are not making a personal statement that makes him feel attacked? Of course, if the person is a spiritual or physical threat to anyone in your family or to your home you might be REQUIRED to stop having him over, but if it is not genuinely harmful or offensive, you might work on whatever it is within yourself and PROVIDE HIM WITH THE SUPPORTIVENESS NECESSARY WHEN A BAAL TSHUVA IS AT A FRAGILE AND UNSOPHISTICATED STAGE OF YIDDISHKEIT. If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site. With best wishes, RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE ---------------------------------- Question: If I have aveiros for which i am chayav kares or misa how can i think of getting married. The onesh [punishment] involved might someday harm any family i have. Although teshuva helps, i dont feel that i can do it. I feel its chutzpah to come before Hashem and tell him i wont do these things again when i know that i dont have the self control to stop. whether its an outright lav [prohibition] or bitul aseh. [refraining from doing an obligation] am i supposed to tell an eventual shiduch what i've done in the past ? the ruchniyus required to start a bayis ne'eman is something i dont have. can i really get married with this burden of aveiros [sins]? A: Issuray Korais or Meesa are very serious but every avaira has tshuva, but you must go through the three steps for sins against G-d, four steps for sins against any other person. Tshuva must be sincere and with commitment to not repeat the sin. Before you can talk about spiritual integrity between yourself and a spouse, you must talk about spiritual integrity between yourself and Hashem. I am not as much concerned about your statement that you don't have the ruchanius [spiritual level] needed for a bayis ne'eman [Torah home] as the implication that you are not interested in working on improving from where you are. In order to get beyond your going around in "spiritual circles," you have to get yourself a spiritual guide, a qualified and accessible rov, who is competent to help you spiritually to work on yourself and improve. If any of the issues have psycholgical foundations or dysfunction underlying them, you may need a professional counselor's help also. "Nothing stands in the way of the will." Only if you have and activate the will, can you get out of your dilemma. It seems that you would like to get married and, in an ideal world, would want to be someone suitable for a good girl to marry. Becoming a good and marriageable person is up to you. You may not be capable of or motivated to do a pure and perfect tshuva RIGHT NOW. My recommendation is that you get to work on yourself so that you can get to the point at which you CAN stand before and Hashem, feel the necessary remorse and shame that should go with serious sins, especially if you are addicted to them, and pray for His help. What you need is the will to want to do perfect tshuva. You can then approach it a step at a time, and accept the trials that come with the process. Chazal say that if you open up an opening in tshuva the size of a pinhole, G-d will help you open it it to the size of a palace door, and that when one comes to purify himself, Heaven helps him. It is up to you to want and inaugurate honest tshuva. We say in "Ashray" three times every day that Hashem opens His hand and saitisfies will to every living thing. This teaches us that we have the opportunity to have from G-d to HAVE WILL. You may not have will to improve RIGHT NOW because you don't want to or don't recognize the importance and seriousness of having will. But having will comes from HAVING THE WILL TO HAVE WILL. If you do, G-d satisfies that will. The verse ["posayach es yodecho..."] proves it. Hashem satisfies will, if you have the will to have will! If you do proper tshuva, and treat your wedding day as a personal Yom Kippur, the past will be cleaned away and not held against your marriage. What you have to tell a shidduch or shadchan when you are ready for marriage will be a shaaloh for a rov THEN at that time. Don't worry about that now. Your job NOW is to get to work on your issues and understand it is not an overnight process. It takes time, as Chazal say, "All beginnings are difficult." The more Soton has a stake in it, the more difficulty and obstacles he throws at you. Your job is to "not take no for an answer" from Soton. Did you read my subsite on fighting your yaitzer hora [evil inclination; e.g. section on practical techniques for fighting the yaitzer hora]? I believe that one with objective faults that can be harmful in either spiritual or practical ways, should not marry. To do so is selfish and potentially destructive to all concerned. I believe one should work out the spiritual and/or worldly issues to an adequate and fair level of resolution that enables the person to behave in a mature and reliable manner consistently and so as to be within a healthy and functional "ballpark." I believe that the content of this dialog is of merit and I request your permission to put this on my question and answer site anonymously, as it can help many others. Please reply. If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site. With best wishes, RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE P.S. Objective faults means things that hurt or shortchange another, cause harm or damage, irresponsibility, negligence, failure to keep one's word or obligations, character flaws that impact how you treat people or conduct yourself and the like...things that have a negative or destructive impact from wrong things one does or right things one fails to do; which is very serious and central in interpersonal relationships. This applies to all matters, spiritual and practical. ---------------------------------- Question: Could you please tell me if a sukkah is kosher if it has plastic on the roof to prevent rain from coming in? I was told that if it starts to rain so hard that the rain is falling through to you, then you can put plastic tarp on the roof. Thank-you for your help. A: BS"D Fri. Oct 6, 00 Dear Mr. Cohen, When you put the plastic on top of the Sukka, that is only to protect it and anything in the Sukka, but while the tarp covers the Sukka it is NOT kosher. If it is raining lightly and if you can tolerate the rain (e.g. it is not ruining your soup), you can remian in the Sukka to fulfill the mitzva of dwelling in the Sukka. One who is in pain, including from the weather, has the option of exempting himself from the Sukka. Covering the Sukka with plastic would be tantamount to exempting or excluding yourself from the Sukka. On the first night the halacha is more stringent. One must wait for weather to improve until chatzos (halachic midnight, which is probably closer to one in the morning than 12:00, but you have to check a local Jewish calander or with a local orthodox rabbi for your precise "chatzos" time for the first night). On the first night, if the weather is rainy, you may not make kiddush or eat outside of a kosher Sukka, before chatzos. You can keep a plastic tarp on the Sukka to cover it during precipitation, but you cannot fulfill the mitzva of Sukka unless the schach [halachic covering on top of the Sukka, usually bamboo or suitable wood] is directly under the sky [e.g. no tree trunk over it, no plastic covering on it, no beam extending from a house over it, etc.]. The plastic tarp must be built in a way that allows you to put it on and take it off, with this being done in a way which will not violate the malachos [work or activity prohibitions] of shabos and yom tov [holidays]. This way, it can go on or off relatively easily, so you can adjust for weather conditions during Sukkos. I hope this answers what you need. If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site. With best wishes for a light fast, a happy Sukkos and good year, RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE ---------------------------------- Question: Our Son is bringing his girl friend home this weekend for the first time. We are practicing Christians and want to make her feel welcome. We are in the habit of saying a blessing before dinner. I would like to do this when she is here and say a blessing that would be appropriate for her and the rest of our Christian family. Can you help me? My Son and his girlfriend live several hundred miles from us. We want to be welcoming to her. Bruce Lambert With the help of Heaven Fri, Oct.6 Dear Mr. Lambert: In this age of spiritual and moral decline, I am delighted that you seek to live a righteous life. Saying blessings is a superb way in actual practice to demonstrate belief in and service of G-d. I hope that when you say that your son's girl friend is coming to visit that this will be done in a way that safeguards morality between them. I would say the same blessing that you customarily say. Since you didn't specify what you say I am at a loss to suggest a variation that might be modified to address her. So, here is my suggestion. Before starting the blessing, explain to her, in a soft and warm voice, and in your own words, that you customarily make such-and-such a blessing, and what its purpose and meaning are. You wish to include her in it and wish her to feel that she is completely a part of whatever your ceremony is and to feel welcome. Part of your intent is to demonstrate the religious tone of your family and that she, should she become a part of it, will be included in whatever this is. It is very important that spiritual and moral standards be preserved. Sincerely, Rabbi Forsythe P.S. It is G-d's will that mankind fulfill the "seven commandments of the descendants of Noah." These constitute minimal religious requirements, in the eyes of G-d, for all who are not Jewish [see above for description of the seven universal commandments]. Thank you for your help. We are celebrating our Thanksgiving in Canada the weekend. I feel much more at ease already with your warm words of advice. Peace The true measure of life is not how many people we know when we die, but how many people have been touched by us.... Bruce Lambert ---------------------------------- Q: Shalom. I just discovered your site. Is it possible to e-mail me the news articles when you add them? By the way, is it possible to send me the old ones? Thank you Shlomo Ouaknine A: We are considering adding to our range of magazine subjects and offering subscriptions in the future for the magazines, but we are not at a stage where we are ready for that. Please keep checking the site. Thank you for your interest. Rabbi Forsythe ---------------------------------- Question: If a woman has committed adultery during a previous marriage, does this result in her being permanently cut off from the Jewish people and giving up her place in the world to come, or is there a means of repentence for this sin? Answer: BS"D Weds. Oct 11 Thank you for writing. It is potentially possible to be permanently cut off, if one does not return from the sin, but repentence IS possible. There are several components of repentence. One cannot sin saying, "I will sin and then repent." Repentence does not help in this case. The adulterous woman must be promptly divorced from the husband to whom she was untrue. One must have sincere remorse, confess in private to G-d in her own words what she did wrong and commit herself to never doing the sin ever again. Confession to G-d can and should be repeated numerous times. This must all be to the extent that this permeates into the depth of the woman's body and soul, such that G-d, Who knows everything, will Himself testify that He knows she will never do the sin again. Her heart should be broken over the sin, but this should not make her emotionally crippled. There is a balance. Remorse, even though the sin is very serious, does not mean depression, but rather she should be happy and appreciative that she has another husband and (potentially if not actually) has children together with him. She must be calm, healthy and happy to fulfill her responsibilities to husband, children and adult life. She should say Tehillim [Psalms] on a regular schedule, depending on her time, strength, schedule and ability. This improves one's connection to G-d. If possible, say the program which has one saying a few chapters a day, with the entire book completed every [Jewish] month. Many editions of Tehillim print this program. Failing that, she should say a bit each day, or say some chapters of Tehillim on Mondays, Thursdays and every month on Yom Kippur Kattan [Erev Rosh Chodesh], because these are times particularly suitable for Tehillim and beseeching G-d's help and mercy. Chapters 6, 16, 20, 25, 32, 38, 51 and 143 are suitable for repentence. If she does not read hebrew, she must use a good translation that captures faithfully the meaning, and is understandable to her. The woman should raise her daughters to be modest and faithful, and all of her children to love and fear G-d and to be committed to His Torah and mitzvos. She should keep aware of her sin but this is in order for her to be motivated to be true to G-d and His service in everything she does. She should fulfill the Biblical verses, "I keep G-d before me always" [Psalm 16:8] and "In all of your ways know Him" [Proverbs 3:6]. She can never marry, or be alone with, either her first husband [regarding whom she was adulterous] nor the man with whom adultery was committed. It is best to never even be in the same neighborhood with either of them ever again. The separating from them must be complete. There should be no contact or connection. She must be completely and faithfully devoted to her new husband. Much of what I write here is based on Igros Moshe [Rabbi Moshe Feinstein], Orech Chayim 4:117 and Rambam [Maimonides] Hilchos Tshuva [Laws Of Repentance], if you want more detail. If she does a complete repentence, and re-directs her life towards Hashem and Torah, she can clean her slate and be restored and beloved in the eyes of G-d. If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site. With best wishes, RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE Question: What advice would you give to a
married couple where one partner wishes to take on some mitzvahs, and the other
doesn't-e.g one wishes to keep Shabbat, the other only up to a point? ----------------------------------------------------------- Question: My wife and I have always had
disagreements over how to discipline my son (from a previous marriage), but lately they
have gotten so bad that we have even considered the possibility of divorce. My wife feels
that I am not sufficiently strict with my son, and I feel that she is excessively harsh
with him. In the past she has been abusive with him, but while that has ended I feel that
she still looks for opportunities to punish him. Sometimes days have gone by when every
word she has said to him has been a criticism. I try to be firm with him, but it seems
that no matter how firm I am she thinks I should be more firm, and takes this as a sign
that I do not love her. We recently found a magazine of a certain unacceptable type in his
room. I grounded him for two weeks, gave him extra chores, and took away his radio and his
phone privilages. My wife was not satisfied and forced him to watch as she destroyed all
of his music CDs. Even then she was angry that I ! would not extend his grounding for at
least another month. My son is not a bad child, in fact for most of our marriage (8 years)
he has been the most obedient of the children (my wife also has two from a previous
marriage). He recently turned 13, and has become difficult. Part of the problem is that my
wife takes his every misbehavior, however minor (e.g. taking too big a bite during a meal,
coming home 10 minutes late from school, "fidgitting" in his chair) as a
personal attack on her. I have tried to suggest that these are not meant to be personal,
and that it would be better if she could put some distance between her feeling and his
actions. She admits that she does see it this way, but refuses to change it because she
says "that is how I am". ------------------------------------------- Q: Can cohanim marry a girl who has had
previous relationships, who has never been married. ---------------------------------- Q: Dear Rabbi Forsythe, [Note, this is a follow up to a previous Q & A, from the man who wrote about conflict between raising a son and his marriage relationship] Thank you for your recent letter. You confirmed some feelings I have had; I lacked the confidence, I suppose, to trust my intuition. My wife and I had a talk the day before I received your letter. At that time I said that I needed to be solely responsible for disciplining my son. I'm afraid that she did not take it well, but there did seem to be some improvement. I also have made it a point, especially since reading your letter, to be kind and considerate to her, and show that I appreciate her. This morning,however, she told me that my lack of firm discipline with my son was ruining our relationship, and would continue to do so. I do not believe that I am lax in this regard, but it is difficult to judge my position objectively, especially under these circumstances. We have begun meeting with a Rabbi whom we both trust. But so far we have met with him only for advice on how to effectively discipline my son; we have not discussed the bigger problems between my wife and I. My wife will not consider discussing these issues with him, because she feels embarrassed. I would like to get some advice from him on this matter, since he has known us for some time and can look at the particular circumstances, but I do not know if this can be done L'Toeles, without being loshon hara. I know that my wife would be angry if I did talk to him about it, even without her present. Any suggestions? I am sorry to be taking so much of your time, but I do nut know where to turn. A: You don't have to feel bad about taking my time. I judge questions by their sincerity, not their extensiveness. I think you should (in conjunction with conducting yourself sweetly and gently) tell your wife that there are issues in your marriage that you are not handling without professional or rabbinical help. Her being embarrassed is not a valid excuse because she is impacting on you. It is not herself alone. Your discipline level with your son is not ruining the relationship, her being unilateral is. She is being selfish and providing no meaningful, constructive option. If you speak to a trustworthy and Yoray Shomayim professional or rabbi in private, intending to'elless (as your kavana) and only saying what is relevant and contributing (in other words, not talking to degrade or harm her - venting frustration in private with someone trustworthy is also allowed), you have no loshon hora problem. When she says that lack of discipline is ruining the marriage, make her be objective and precise. What exactly did your son do? When? For how long? How? How much? On what evidence or proof? Don't accept broad or judgemental generalizations. If she just says subjective or emotional generalities, tell her that these constitute no information, you cannot do anything with these and that these constitute no change at all of status regarding your son. I would advise you to tell her that you are inviting her to come with you to the rabbi to work out your issues. Tell her you are going ANYWAY and she is welcome to also be there if she wants to. Make clear that if she does not come, IT IS HER CHOICE and she will have to answer to herself and live with the results, whatever they are. It is not reasonable to give no option. She should want to do all that is humanly possible to make your marriage work. If she does not, it is her deficiency, not yours that you want to fix it. Her embarrassment is a smoke screen for wanting to be manipulating, selfish and controlling. These do not work at all and cannot be allowed or condoned. You will speak to the rabbi as you see fit. A rabbi will know what halacha allows to talk about and what not. If she will be angry about you talking with him alone, she will have to deal with her anger by herself. It's bad enough you suffer with the marriage, you will not suffer in doing what you have to in response to the marriage. You are giving her the option of a better marriage and she is giving you the option of no better marriage and there is no contest. Tell her lovingly that you want to love her and succeed with her. This cannot happen under prevailing conditions and prevailing conditions are over. You are moving forward. She is welcome to come along. It is her choice. Your son is your "department" and she will never change that. What does she want to do? It's her choice. If she wants a day or two to think, that's OK, but not a limitless period of time. You just DON'T back down from your position once you present it to her. Once you've offered and welcomed her to join you, if the marriage suffers, she did it, not you. You'll do all you can, according to what repairing requires, but it has to be a marriage, not her selfishness & manipulation campaign. You may have confidence in this position, on condition that you do all that is reasonably possible in the marriage-repair process. The gemora says that marriage is for life, not for pain. If it gives you constant pain, it is not a marriage. If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisreal "Ask Your Question" site. With best wishes, RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE ---------------------------------- Question: I have done a lot of reading on the issue of bitachon (including Chovot Ha'Levavos, Michtav Me'eliyahu vol 1, Chazon Ish- Emunah u'Bitachon, Alei Shur chelek bet, Gateway to Happiness, etc.). According to Gateway to Happiness by Rabbi Pliskin (and this seems to be what I draw from the other mussar sources as well), one need not worry with regard to material needs if one has bitachon in Hashem, since Hashem will provide your material needs based on the extent to which you merit them (provided you do the requisite hishatadlus; but the hishtadlus, according to Chovos HaLevovos is the not the cause of your success but merely the means by which Hashem causes you to succeed). Some sources also say that Hashem will act with Hashgacha Pratis only with respect to those who have Bitachon in Him (based on "baruch hagever . . . v'haya Hashem mivtacho"). My problem is that while I would like to have bitachon in Hashem in this way, I have the nagging doubt that perhaps the Rambam's view of bitachon is correct (Moreh Nevuchim II:17, II:19)--that Hashem lets Nature run its course and only protects tzaddikim from its effects. [There is also a possibility that the Ramban holds this position; see his intro to Sefer Iyov, Aryeh Carmell's footnote in the most recently published volume of Michtav Me'eliyahu and David Berger's article on this topic.] So how can I ever have bitachon and thereby eliminate my worrying about my livelihood (which I tend to do too much)? B'virchas haTorah A: You have researched your subject exaustively and your problem seems more emotional than philisophical. That's why the Torah materials do not answer your question satisfactorily. Is your parnossa a genuine problem or are you managing? I can understand the Rambam jolting you - you are subject to the elements unless you are a tzadik, but I think you are missing a point or two, even in light of the Rambam. Hashem runs the world with hashgocha pratiis and mida kinegged mida. One's level of zchus, how he treats people, hishtadluss and the level of his avoda can have impact on his Heavenly hashpa'a. You can say Parshas HaMon and the Ketoress every day as segulos. The Michtav (in the first vol, if I recall) deals with the balance between hishtadluss and bitachon. You do what is derech hateva for the kind of work you do. Do it honestly, without excess, the way "normal" people would. You trust that the results are for the best and were determined on Rosh HaShana accordingly. If you can, increase your zechuyos, do more chesed, show people rachamim (in both practical deeds and praying for others with needs and troubles). Actively treat people the way you want Hashem to treat you. Pray for what you want (see Mishna Brurah or my site on laws of Bais Knessess, which have laws for adding personal tefilos to Shmoneh Esray). The Torah tells us (the two tochochos and the second parsha of Shma) that the more we obey the Torah, the more blessing, peace and ease G-d gives our lives. Hashem runs the world with detailed attention to every aspect of your life. The more one is a tzadik, the more impact he can have into his hashpa'a. But, that is not the whole story. The Even Ezra was painfully impoverished all his life. A talmid of R. Chayim MiVelozhin [the Vilna Gaon's manin disciple] was kept out of Gan Eden because he owed seven cents that was unpaid during his lifetime [R Chayim paid the debt when he found out, in a vision]. The Lubovitcher Rebbe gave others brachos to have children but he never had any. The Satmar Rov had children who were all killed by the Nazis, so he never had SURVIVING children. One of the Chazal had so much suffering that he couldn't take it and he asked Hashem to recreate the world to save him, and a bas kol said that doing so would only MAYBE help, because of his destiny being to have suffering, so he took back the request. The Baal Shem witnessed a soldier on a horse thrust his sword into a Jewish baby and he demanded that Heaven explain the justice of this wanton act of murder. Heaven explained that the baby was a gilgul of a murderer who got away with the crime in a previous life. The soldier was a gilgul of the murder victim. We cannot really know Hashem's ways. You are obligated in emuna & bitochon. Do the best you can in spiritual and worldly aspects. That's about the best you can do. That requires the emotional strength to handle this (which is where I sense that much of your issue comes from). Have a good rov for practical guidance and daas Torah. Give your trust over to G-d. Believe me, He knows how to handle your life and decide what is best, better than you. And, he has been doing this for a lot longer than you have! If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisreal "Ask Your Question" site. With best wishes, RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE ---------------------------------- Q: [Note: this is a continuation of a Q & A above, about bitachon - trust that G-d sends one his needs]. So how can I ever have bitachon and thereby eliminate my worrying about my livelihood (which I tend to do too much), if there is the possibility that the Rambam is correct? (According to the Rambam, I can do my best to be as worthy as possible in the eyes of Hashem, but what if I'm not?). I suffer mild depressions (fourth months every year or so) and have been seeing a psychologist for over five years about my lack of self-confidence. One problem that I have is that when I get depressed, my effectiveness at work diminishes, and I get worried that I will be "found out" and fired (and if I am fired I will have difficulty making a parnassa in the future; I'm an attorney at a major law firm). That worry causes me to get more depressed and anxious. If I were able to have complete bitachon that all I have to do is hishtadlus, and Hashem will take care of the rest, I believe that I would not get into the cycle of worry. My problem is that given that my "nature" may be to easily get depressed, if I am not zocheh to divine hashgacha (e.g., to make sure that on days that I'm not concentrating well, people don't notice) then the natural forces (olam k'minhago noheg) would cause me to get fired. That causes me to expend more effort/worry over how to avoid getting fired, since whether or not I succeed is partially up to me (i.e., I can stay in the office until midnight, just to be absolutely sure that I did things right). How can I have bitachon (i.e., be sure) that Hashem will help me (or at least give me based on what I deserve), if according to the Rambam, that level of hashgacha is reserved for those who are close to Him? And you are correct that my problem is emotional as well as philosophical--I tend to worry. A second issue: I have 3 boys and no girls. I'm afraid to keep on trying to fulfill pru urvu because I don't know whether I'll ever solve my tendency towards depression, and the more mouths I have to feed, the more I'm going to worry. A third issue: when we got married almost 8 years ago, it was with the intention of making Aliyah in 5-7 years. Especially when I'm depressed, I tell my wife that I'm not sure that it makes sense for us to make aliyah--how will I succeed at work if the changes I undergo in acclimatizing to Israel make me more at risk for depression? Again, this connects to whether I take a naturalistic view of what will happen, as opposed to having bitachon. But there is a difference between the Rambam and Rav Dessler: Rav Dessler believes that all what happens to an individual is carefully calibrated based on the individual's z'chusim/chesronos. Rambam believes that that is true only of tzadikim, while others may be zocheh to divine intervention only at times (most reward & punishment being le'asid lavo)--such people (I would think) cannot *depend* on Hashem's intervention. Am I misunderstanding the Rambam? Thanking you in advance A: One area in which are vastly wrong in your interpretation of Rambam is that G-d gives everyone precisely what each need (tov Hashem lichol virachamov al kol ma'asov; Ashray - G-d is good to all and His mercy is on all His creations). Part of bitochon is accepting what G-d sends as being what you need. Part of a crisis in bitachon (trust) is that you are being self-centered and "knowing" better than G-d what you need. Parnossa is never a hetter [permit] for birth control or limiting pirya virivya. King Chezkiyahu was a tzadik who was threatened, through the prophet Isaiah, with premature death for not having children. He had a premonition that if he had a child, his child would be evil. He was only allowed to be spared and live when he promised to have children and leave what became of his children to G-d. The more you need parnossa, the more G-d will send, or you will be able to make do with what G-d gives you. The sages tell us, "Mon deyoheev chaya yoheev zon [the One who gives life gives its sustainance]." Every Rosh HaShana, what is destined for you for the coming year is determined by Heaven. Even Rambam would agree there is hashgocha pratiis [individual Providence] supervising each moment and detail of life. The more one is a tzadik, the more he merits miracles or can intervene through his merits on the conduct of Heaven. Even that is limited, as I wrote in my last letter about certain tzadikim who couldn't demand everything they wanted from Heaven. Even Moshe and Aaron couldn't get into Eretz Yisrael. What anyone truly needs, G-d sends, even if less than a tzadik. All you can do is your best, in ruchaniyus and goshmiyus, including having children. If you do your best hishtadlus, keep the Torah, learn regularly, have a rov, work seriously on your psychological isssues, treat people with decency and kindness, guard against sin and doven regularly with all your heart, including personal prayers for your needs and troubles, and praying on behalf of others with needs and troubles; you are doing your part. The rest is up to G-d to decide what you REALLY need. I do not think your state of mind lends itself to the pressures, stresses and adjustments involved in Aliya. Make the most of your life, and state of mind, right where you are. You have enough to work on where you are in the USA. Much of what you have to do is to accept that what G-d decides is right or enough for you is indeed what you should have bitachon is best for you. How many hours you work and the other elements of your letter are measures of your anxiety, which produces the inability to feel confident and secure. These are emotional and you misinterpret the stress and anxiety as lack of bitachon. As a practicing counselor, I can tell you that you are probably fooling yourself as to where to draw the line between the emotional and philisophical in this. Until you get to the root of this in your personality, it will keep haunting at you, regardless of any number of answers in hashkofa. You are fixated on Rambam because he suits your psychological agenda. If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisreal "Ask Your Question" site. With best wishes, RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE ---------------------------------- Q: My husband, who is really not a bad guy, sometimes says things which hurt me and I react angrily. He further reacts and it escalates. I don't know how to handle the things he says which provoke me. How can I break this pattern that leads to repeated fights? A: It is almost impossible to say something wrong if you control your upset emotions and speak gently and politely. When your husband says things which hurt or provoke you, respond only with SOFT QUESTIONS: "When you say that, do you know how that makes me feel?" "What result [or: affect on our marriage] do you intend to produce by saying that [or: by saying it that way] - do you know what result you actually produced?" "Do you know all the relevant facts that go into that judgmental statement?" The point is to get him thinking, to have the realization of what he is doing to come from him. He won't argue with an idea that came from himself. He won't react angrily to someone who is speaking gently and politely, who he realizes HIMSELF he has mistreated. Your questioning must be sincere; as if you are wondering what the answer is; never sarcastic, rhetorical nor as if you know the answer. Keep formulating what you say in the form of questions, one after the other, until he has gotten the idea how much he hurt you and the mood and communication return to normal. Q: There is a secular book about men being from Mars and women being from Venus. Is it kosher? A: The gemora (Shabos 62a) refers to women as a separate NATION from men. Chazal knew the nature and limits of analogy - and any analogy from them is perfect when analyzed from any facet. Different nations have different languages, culture, thought processes, values, goals. They can make war or alliances. When at peace, they can have translators, cultural exchange, ambassodors, diplomatic working out of differences. We, of course, must accept Chazal's analogy of men and women as separate nations. Moreso, we must APPLY it! Use your differences to make a diplomatic alliance that allows you both to cooperatively tackle the functioning and responsibilities of "real life;" each spouse contributing your unique elements to your marriage. The gemora (Yevamos 63a) tells us that a man brings home grain and material, the wife cooks and sews them into meals and clothes. The gemora (Bava Metzia 58b) tells us that men should be "boss" in religious matters and the wife should be "boss" in matters of the home. Your situation may require sorting out of what is applicable, or may require speaking with a rov, but the basic Torah idea here is to add up your differing minds, personalities and strengths so that you peacefully and effectively accomplish as much TOGETHER FOR THE SAKE OF HEAVEN in your lives as possible - here ON PLANET EARTH, based on what we learn from G-d's TORAH. Q: My husband says things that hurt my feelings. He does not mean to and he tries his best. Sometimes he makes improvements, sometimes he falls back. When he hurts me, I get angry at him and he gets defensive and it builds to a fight. How can I promote his improvement without sabotaging? A: When he makes improvements, even if small, thank him for it. Tell him in a very sweet, non-attacking voice that you notice that he did such and such and that you notice and appreciate his change. Put a positive note on the process. If you encourage him, show that you are proud of him, say that he is a "quality human being" for the strides he makes; he will get the message on his own that he has to work on the mistakes he still makes and has to continue improving till he stops hurting you altogether. Q: My wife feels that I take her for granted and don't appreciate her. What should I do? A: To a wife, unexpressed appreciation is like NO appreciation. As the Talmud says (Kiddushin 49b), "Words in the heart are not words." You must repeatedly express every day the appreciation that she deserves and needs, for everything that you reasonably can. For a meal, she must carry heavy bags of shopping home, combine ingredients, stand over a hot stove and serve you. To keep house, she does laundry, dusting, buys and places knick knacks around the house. To care for the children, she brings them to doctors, buys them clothes and shoes, comforts them, teaches the daughters. Let her know you appreciate every such thing, as applicable to her. Work on recognizing how many things she does every day and on constantly appreciating each individual thing. Bring her presents frequently, even if they cost nothing or little, even if you just write a poem or bring a sentimental card. These say that you are thinking of her and that she is important to you. Have at least one meal each week day with her and talk to her about how the day went for each of you; about the home, marriage and children. Make it "quality time." Speak and behave with her in a kind, respectful and good-natured manner. Ask for her opinion on issues and express appreciation for her opinions and intuition, even if these will not be factored in final decisions. Naturally, if she sees you acting upon her advice or opinions, she will feel loved and appreciated by you. When she wants to speak with you, or ask something from you, give full attention, even if you think the thing is small; realize that it is big TO HER. Be as responsive to what she says and feels as humanly possible. Never do anything to make her feel cheap or unappreciated. If you ever hurt her, apologize immediately and make it clear that it was unintentional. Phone her every day from work. It is imperative that you show her several times each day that she matters, that you hold her in high esteem, and that you are grateful for all of the things she does and for all of her qualities as a person, mother and wife. Q: I know that my husband really loves me but there are times he can do mean things and he is rigid about continuing to do them. How can I make him change his hurtful behaviors? A: In Torah law, there is a principle: talui al daas achairim (dependent upon another person). For example, we generally say a blessing before doing mitzvos. Because charity is dependent on another receiving it, we do not say a blessing before the mitzva of tzadaka. Maybe the beggar will refuse the money at the last moment, so we will have said Hashem's name in vain. Dependency upon another person is a halachic reality and forces us to view another person's will as something we CANNOT control or rely upon. This is a crucial concept for shalom bayis troubles, when a partner is unwilling (e.g. antagonistic, immature, reclusive, etc.) to work on resolution. The question then is: what to do if one partner wants to work and the other does not, especially if the latter is hurtful or behaves improperly? Train yourself to circumvent things that might provoke your husband. One of my expressions is, "Don't be stifled, be creative! Since he loves you and is not a dangerous man, be MORE sweet and giving for enough time for him to really notice, for the message to sink in. You'll need a lot of patience and inner-strength. Consider it an "investment." If handled strategically, AND IF YOU ARE CONSISTENT, this can increase the weight and value of the marriage in the eyes of your husband. After a period of "raising the stakes," your husband can be made to realize that if he does not change unacceptable behavior, he might lose you or your affection, so he can slowly see that he can be cruel and be motivated to change. |