Singles (including divorced and widowed) who come to me for counseling are concerned about problematic dating, how to select, relating behavior, making or repeating mistakes, potential durability of a marriage, discovering a phoney, etc. I advise the non-Chasidish singles to examine the prospects with someone whom they date. When you go out, especially with a new person, find things to do that allow you to get to know each other, interact with each other, and that you both enjoy. Some examples along this line that people report to work well include bowling, miniature golf, a museum or botanical garden. Such activities are fun, they feel light and comfortable, you communicate (if you can't find what to say by yourself, you can talk about what you are seeing or doing to "break the ice"). Do not go to a movie or show or anything that precludes interacting with each other while you are doing it. It is a mathematics axiom that parallel lines never meet. If you and your date are parallel lines watching a stage or screen, you don't meet! Besides, there are serious halachic problems with the content of most movies or shows these days, so they are generally not suitable in Jewish law. Choose activities that allow you to interact. Enjoy your time together and spend a sufficient amount of time to get to know each other REASONABLY well (note: before marriage, you can't know any person PERFECTLY).

When you are getting to know each other more, after a few initial dates, I recommend that people go out for a full length day-trip (e.g. drive out-of-town to the country - making sure to keep the laws prohibiting Yichud/seclusion), perhaps more than once. By spending a prolonged period of time, people tend to become more and more themselves as a day stretches out. You more and more get to see the real person in greater depth. You get to see some of the foibles or inconsistencies and some of the ways the person interacts with relating partners or challenging life situations. As you get further into your day, more of the real person comes out. There's only so much that a person can act. Over time, the guard goes down more and more. You may, for example, see if the person is ever rude, critical, mean, inconsiderate, impatient, selfish, dishonest or condescending. Even if the person is nice to you, is the person nasty to a waiter or gas station attendant? Does the person get angry or vulgar in a traffic jam? You can better judge - and have more insight into - whether this is someone you can really relate to, trust and appreciate; whether the person's good qualities are sincere, stable and authentic. There is no guarantee that a person won't maintain an act. I've seen some really shrewd, troubled, insecure, manipulative people who consciously hide their faults well until a relationship is quite developed and another person is emotionally "hooked" or until after marriage. However, there can often be signs, if you know how to read them. For example, Chazal say that you can tell who a person is by who he praises. Does the person praise Pirkei Avos or Dow Jones, the Chofetz Chayim or the Super Bowl?

IN DIRECT PROPORTION TO ANY CONCERN OR SUSPICION, 1. call more people for information than you would otherwise (the more concern, the more people), and 2. see more of the people you contact for information "in person" face-to-face (the more concern, the more people you must speak to in-person...to get facial gestures or visual signs that may indicate invented, covered or incomplete information, or evasiveness; which would be hidden over the phone). In my counseling experience, some marriage trouble and break-up stems from untrue, rushed, undisclosed, vague, half-true or ignored information; so if something seems odd, inconsistent or worrisome; believe nothing more than the name and address of the boy or girl! EVERYTHING THAT YOU COULDN'T GET FROM ANY PHONE BOOK, CHECK OUT YOURSELF THOROUGHLY! Call a rov for what to discuss.

Do not merely infer something about a shidduch that needs to be actually verified and known. The gemora says that when witnesses came, if they said, "We did not see a moon," Sanhedrin CANNOT declare the day to NOT be Rosh Chodesh because WHAT YOU DO NOT SEE IS NOT TESTIMONY. If witnesses see the moon, bais din can declare the day to be Rosh Chodesh. ONLY WHAT YOU SEE IS TESTIMONY. THE SAME APPLIES IN SHIDDUCHIM. And, the same way you check out the boy/girl, check out the shadchan! Get references to couples and parents and inquire from them whether the shadchan's work and attitude were satisfactory, honest and helpful.

Is there instability, dishonesty or dysfunction in the family? Don't be fooled by those who act saintly in public and are beasts in their home. Even if the home has problems, HAS THE INDIVIDUAL BOY OR GIRL RISEN ABOVE ANY SHORTCOMINGS OF THE FAMILY (remember, we have our Jewish people specifically BECAUSE RIVKA LEFT EVIL BESUEL AND LOVON!). Does the boy or girl have good midos, straight hashkofos and loyalty to Torah? Is the boy or girl tocho kibaro (the same person inside and out), eidl (gentle) and temimi (uncomplicated, psychologically and religiously)? Is the person sensitive, considerate and responsive to other people? How does the person handle disagreement, provocation or pressure? Does the person have a good heart and do chesed, and take responsibility for other people in somewhat mature ways? Does (s)he keep his word? Does the youth have a rov for HALACHA AND LIFE QUESTIONS - who the person FAITHFULLY LISTENS TO (not just goes to!)? Warning: some manipulative people craft shaalos to get desired answers; find out if the person's questions also are honest! Does the boy or girl have good social skills, regular and healthy group interactions, and fine bain adam lechavairo (interpersonal) conduct? If you have any doubts, the inquiring set of parents and/or their child should spend more time with the prospect to see if any flaws, inconsistencies, "bad vibes" or arguing come to the surface.

Have at least one, preferably several, QUALIFIED and caring advisors (rebitzen, rabbi, counselor) who know you reasonably well. One may catch something another missed, or have input the other did not have. Get OBJECTIVE input. Talk over impressions, events, reactions, behaviors (of the person you are dating and your own) and whether your various feelings are helpful and reliable or not. Don't be too hasty to either accept or reject a prospect for marriage. You don't want to get hurt for marrying or dumping someone you should not have. You must have BALANCE (as with all things in the Torah).