There is another issue which is important to discuss in the subject of shidduchim: DESTRUCTIVE MEDDLING BY PARENTS BEFORE AND AFTER MARRIAGE. For example, I know a fellow who was going out with a girl and things were progressing nicely. After dating a few months, her father wanted to schedule a meeting so he could meet the fellow. He had a cold and his nose was twitching. The father assumed the nose twitching indicated mental instability and possible violent tendencies. He talked his daughter into immediately terminating the relationship. I know the fellow. He is a "baal mussar" who constantly works on his midos. He would never intentionally hurt anyone. He just had a cold.

As a marriage counsellor, about half of my client-couples are Chassidic. It is central to Chassidic matchmaking methodology to leave the vast majority of seeking and choosing a mate to the parents. The brief "bashow" comes after parental investigation. Sometimes, the parent has an "agenda" (e.g. marry for money, marry to be in a desired family or Chassidus, choose someone for ANY REASON THAT MINIMIZES THE SUITABILITY OF THE PERSON AS INDIVIDUAL). One of the key ingredients of compatibility is the individual's intuitive feel for the other. In healthy families, the child is generally satisfied with the match. But, if ever a child is not willing voluntarily to marry the person, the parents should never force or manipulate the child to marry. On the practical level, this can lead to a "shalom bayis disaster." I know of one Chassidic father who forced his son to marry someone deformed because the family had money. The son hated the ugly girl and begged his father to cancel the shidduch. The father pushed it and called the son mean and selfish. The couple had children who had the same ugly deformity as the wife, which cost him thousands of dollars in repeated corrective surgeries. Eventually, he couldn't take it, divorced the wife and abandoned the children. The son was pushed into something unbearable by a short-sighted father. Another Chasidish man told me how his parents pressured him into a marriage that he never wanted - and ended up with a divorce. Let the child wholeheartedly agree in advance of completing any shidduch. The single doesn't have to accept parents' decision who to marry. The single should marry (especially these days) a GOOD-HEARTED, PSYCHOLOGICALLY NORMAL AND TORAH-LOYAL PERSON WHO THE SINGLE WILL GET ALONG WITH; SUCH THAT THEY WILL PLEASE EACH OTHER, TAKE GOOD CARE OF EACH OTHER AND RAISE HEALTHY AND FRUM CHILDREN TOGETHER.