When a couple comes to me for marriage counseling, one or both are in profound pain. Sometimes, however, at least one party is not willing to work or change. I ask, "Do you like the results that come from what you are now doing?" The party answers, "No." I point out the contradiction between wanting to do the same things and desiring different results. If people can't change in order to do what brings the desired results, how can they complain that they don't like the results they get from what they do? They can either choose to change as necessary or choose to learn to love misery. Doing the same things gets the same results. To get different results, you have to do different things. If help is needed, it is best to get it AS SOON AS POSSIBLE; because bad situations, habits, tension, hostility, defenses and alienation tend to get worse and worse over time.

One of the very common problems is a lack of clear and objective goal-orientation. People in distress often think more in terms of relief than goals, so they can't be blamed when they lack thought-out goals. However, they often have one-sided and destructive goals, which have to be cleared out of the way before realistic and helpful goals can be formulated, never mind achieved! People often say to me, "I want X, make my spouse do Y and fix Z." It doesn't work that way. It can take time to help people to clarify issues, to see what is needed, to establish all the needed goals and to work towards operating in ways that are realistic and effective; especially if they are among those who are defensively resistant to change. The bottom line is objectively and systematically getting out of things that don't work and getting into things that do work. This can require retraining the person's thoughts, emotions and behaviors - and assuring internalization of the changes, so that they can be trusted to be spontaneous, operational and reasonably consistent in practical life. When it takes time to change all the details, we work on CHANGING THE DIRECTION meanwhile.

It is crucial for the couple to FEEL comfortable with the counselor. He may disagree with many things you say. He may not give-in to many positions you take. That is a sign he has "backbone" and is professional. You are comfortable because there is basic (not necessarily perfect) rapport; (s)he is Yoray Shomayim; and you are confident (s)he is listening, attentive, responsive, trustworthy and concerned about the two of you and your marriage. You should sense his/her heart, as the Alshich writes, "Words which come out of the heart enter into the heart."

Any responsible therapist will tell you that achievement of lasting change and improvement, especially in tough cases, requires time; together with hard, volitional, honest, steady, good-faith and patient work by both spouses. It can be a slow process. It is better to err on the side of slowness than to err on the side of sabotaging the therapeutic process. People tend to group or blur together multiple issues. Issues must be isolated to be defined, prioritized and sequenced, and then tackled (often one issue at a time), in order to be effectively and lastingly resolved. With professional help, and by developing the ability to acknowledge and respond to the reality of the other spouse, by seeking to please and respect eachother and to prioritize peace, by both learning to communicate and give-in, by feeling concern for eachother and working cooperatively together, a couple can make breakthroughs to a more functional and satisfying marriage relationship. Since the difficulties which block marriage counseling's success are often inner psychological or disruptive emotional issues, we will look at this more closely when we continue with "Psychological Obstacles To Succeeding In Marriage Counseling."