Shalom
Bayis (Peaceful Marriage)
Weekly
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A woman who speaks to me in my counseling role brought an intriguing problem. She was an active, if not driven, volunteer in opposition of the giveaway of Israeli land to the Arabs. She had to organize mailings, phone campaigns and meetings; travel to Washington, Israel, rallies and meetings; and write to members of the media. She had too little time for her husband and children, there was mounting tension in the home and this was psychologically impacting the children with anxiety. I told her that the terrorists were giving us more than enough casualties. We didn't need Jewish marital relationships and families added to the overlong list of casualties. In Shmoneh Esray, we first pray for personal things (e.g. wisdom, health, livelihood) and then national causes (e.g. redemption, Jerusalem, Moshiach). We conclude with prayer for peace, teaching that all of our undertakings are worthless without peace. I told her that we had to establish priorities and that she had to focus on the "peace process" of shalom bayis first. "Don't save the world if your marriage and children will need to be saved." I recommended a "balanced activism." She could devote time, talent and energy to her work against the Israeli "Piece Process;" while remembering to hug her children, to remain calm and civil with her husband and to spend quality time with her family. One fellow is a workaholic who was giving all of his waking hours to his company. His wife was very unhappy. He argued that he was striving on behalf of his wife and their little children. He didn't see that he was hurting and shortchanging his family, that they needed him as husband and father, and that his view was "black and white," which is, in such a case, a sign of neurosis. He needed to hear that he treated his work as his first priority, when his wife and family should have been. The family wasn't even second priority, they were non-priority. If he were truly working for, and prioritizing, his family, they would be happy in HUMAN TERMS. I made sure that he was spoken to in a calm, soft, feeling way; emphasizing his wife's hurt; not using attack, judgement or putdown. He came to understand that his behavior had impact on her and the kids. He decided that he doesn't want to hurt his wife or deprive his children. They worked out a compromise in which he would spend time each evening with her, help around the house occasionally and take trips with her and the children from time to time. Since there was some neurotic basis (which would make him prone to backsliding), she would have to keep softly reminding him to keep his part. The marriage has grown more peaceful, empathetic and respectful. Today we often hear about career women who want to work, kollel or low-income families in which the wife has to work, or men who have to work two jobs to make ends meet. Such arrangements can introduce stress and trouble into a marriage. But, this does not necessarily have to be. I know two observant families in which the husbands are working men with unglamorous salaried jobs. Both of their wives are practicing, hard working medical doctors. These two marriages are stable. Each boasts a romping crew of children. The two women are energetic, brilliant, well-adjusted, talented and capable. They manage homes, careers, motherhood and marriage. It can be done. Often, it's a question of what the roles mean psychologically in each case (e.g. in a macho or insecure man, or in an accomplished or pushy wife). Jewish marriage laws, in the aggregate, promote a happy, strong, respectful, peaceful, gentle and functional marriage, when the laws and principles are all consistently observed in good faith by both the husband and the wife - with the right values, priorities and attitudes. In the case of the two women doctors, each woman sees to the responsibilities of her domain. For example, both serve the shabos meals. Both have very good midos. One woman only started medical school when some children reached teenage and could help in the house. These children, now in the late teens, help with the house, shopping, cooking, baking and babies. The other woman uses a housekeeper part-time and, when the husband comes home from work, he cares for their little children part-time. The roles and duties, which have no unhealthy psychological meaning or agenda for theses two couples, are worked out in their two homes SO THAT THE PRACTICAL FUNCTIONS OF LIFE ARE SUCCESSFULLY AND COOPERATIVELY ACHIEVED. The marriages are not subordinate to the arrangements. THE ARRANGEMENTS ARE SUBORDINATE TO THE MARRIAGES. In good cases, the marriages are at one with all arrangements, nothing in the Torah is violated, no family member makes any other suffer, men remain masculine, women remain feminine and PEACE IS THE FIRST CONSIDERATION. |