There is a principle called "tolui al da'as achairim (dependent upon another person's mind)." This has practical implications. For example, the commentators wrestle with why tzadaka has no blessing, since mitzvos should have blessings. One reason is that acceptance of the donation is dependent upon the other person's mind. If the pauper rejects your handout at the last moment or if an institution refuses your check for political reasons, you will have said G-d's name in vain. We see from this how real this principle is: we cannot control another person. Therefore, you have to start out being realistic about limitations on how much one can change another person (which is why I counsel singles NEVER to marry on the basis of expecting another to change - especially religious or psychological change).

Second, we have to know why your wife is withdrawn in order to determine what might be done and what the prospects for improvement are. The Talmud (Taanis 22a) tells of two clowns who Eliyahu haNovi promised olam haba (eternal life) because they used humor to make depressed people happy. Rashi, there, says that they were, "Happy people who made others happy." We learn from Rashi 1. that one person cannot make another person happy unless he himself is first happy and 2. that one person cannot be made happy by someone other than himself - only if a person is first basically happy can a second person make him/her happy (which is why I counsel singles NEVER to marry expecting another to wash away inner unhappiness). If your wife is depressed or unhappy, you have to identify the root of this in order to know how to fill-in or to remedy realistically. If the problem is something in her present situation, you can "humor" her. This need not literally mean knee-slapping jokes. Be more loving, supportive, accepting, giving. Do things that please her, acknowledge, respect and appreciate her; and make her feel precious and special. For example, the Chazon Ish z'l says that a husband should always tell a wife when he is leaving and returning. Bring presents, give compliments, offer to help or relieve pressures, repeatedly ask her opinion and act upon it, write notes that tell how much she means to you. Adapt this, of course to your wife's situation and personality. But most important of all; be steady and unchanging. The Maharal writes (Nesiv Ha'Emunah) that the essence of marital relating is trust. You must make her secure and trusting before this will start to seep into and be assimilated into her heart and mind. If she has deeper pathology in her personality, stress, poor self-esteem, emotional trauma; need to rebel, test or win; or other significant psychological issues; the above may not work without professional counseling from someone competent and Yorai Shomayim. Also, try to delicately wean her away from any acquaintances who provide bad psychological or behavioral influences. A non-confrontational strategy is to find more constructive ways to have her spend her time; without mentioning or disparaging her friends. Could she volunteer for Tomchay Shabos, Bikur Cholim Neshay Ahavas Chesed, a loshon hora or midos vaad? Also, at such activities, she will meet a better class of friends. Similarly, if her relatives are dysfunctional, meddling or neurotic; maneuver her a safe distance from their destructive influence. Find ways to break any tendency to escalation or negativity. Reinforce good things she does and changes she makes. Be very patient. Try to help her to find a rov that she can be comfortable with.

Think in terms of your own responsibility and perception. Think of her attributes to develop appreciation for. And, by focusing on giving, you will invest a part of yourself into her and psychologically come to increase the extent to which you identify with her, accept her and love her. This must be unconditional love, since this lasts forever (Pirkei Avos). Since she resents your comments, follow Shammai's teaching, "Say little and do much" (Pirkei Avos). Rabbi Hiya's wife constantly caused him pain. However, whenever he found something she would like he would buy it, wrap it nicely and bring it to her. When Rav heard of his practice, he asked Rabbi Hiya why he did it. "It is enough to require appreciation for our wives from the fact that they raise our children and save us from sin" (Yevamos 63a). One of my rabbinical instructors, Rabbi Avraham Asher Zimmerman z'l pointed out to me that there are several lessons in this gemora, besides appreciation. We notice that Rabbi Hiya judged his wife favorably, never took revenge and recognized that she was not a perfect person but she did have good attributes.

To address your need to separate from her due to the loss of attraction, utilize the separation of nida to find things to do on your own, to separate from intimacy and closeness (without being callous or inconsiderate), which legitimately accord with the separation rules, that enable your mind to "go on vacation" and find relief and opportunity to "recharge." Don't make the contrast extreme or blatant because that will backfire by making her feel used, cheapened, disrespected and pained when you are together. During nida, call her at home from work every day just to find out how she is and bring flowers erev shabos when you come home from work. She should perceive your attention and feel important to you with uniformity and balance all month.