In the previous installment, I described that gender differences are perfectly understood by the Torah and Chazal. Even in modern times and in cases where a woman works, the Torah's views of the male and female nature, and governance of the marriage relationship, are timeless. Good midos, good haskofos, good attitudes, modesty and Torah-loyalty must be constant and never compromised. Various arrangements can be made in any individual marriage, but are always subordinated to peaceful, smooth and cooperative functioning of the home. I will bring some sample sources to show how much Chazal understood male and female nature so that you be motivated to learn about marriage from Torah. Material here will work superbly with mature, psychologically healthy people.

Bava Metzia (58 & 59) tell us to be careful with a wife's honor and to never hurt her feelings. Derech Eretz Raba (chapter eleven) teaches that "He who hates his wife makes her feel like she is murdered." Tractate Nida (31b) says that a man can be appeased, a woman cannot be appeased. Watch out for the feelings of a wife! Be very careful for her sensitivities and emotions. Even if a man tries to appease his wife after he has hurt her, some of the pain will continue to stab her and stay within her. Once a husband has put that impression, that sting and that insecurity into the woman's emotions, they are very difficult and slow to go out of her. Never hurt or upset a wife in the first place, but if, Heaven forbid, you do, be very big and forthcoming and make amends rapidly, sincerely and fully. It's not a question of what's right and wrong or of what is reasonable. It's entirely a question of what will or won't work. Note: the wife may never use this to take advantage. The point is not for her to have a way to abuse him. The point is that there won't be abuse by anybody.

Tractate Sanhedrin (76b) says that a husband should adorn his wife with attractive jewels and ornaments, to make her more respectable (this is a practical, concrete way of attributing honor to his wife). Besides giving honor, making a woman feel attractive and appreciated makes a woman very happy (even though men may have trouble understanding why!). In tractate Taanis (20b), Rabbi Ada Bar Ahava was asked by his students to what he attributed an extraordinarily long life. He answered, "I was never stern within my house."

Tractate Brachos (57b) says that three things bring a man satisfaction: a beautiful home, a beautiful wife and beautiful possessions. Tractate Kesubos (62b-63a) recounts how Rabbi Akiva's wife sacrificed to enable him to learn Torah for twenty four years. When he returned home, he had twenty-four thousand disciples. He said to them, "All of my Torah and all of your Torah is hers!" A midrash is cited in the respected sefer, Menoras HaMeor, that gives an intriguing insight into what makes a wife lovable to her husband. "The sages said in a midrash that one wise woman directed her daughter when she was about to marry, saying to her, 'My daughter, stand before your husband like before a king and serve him. If you will be like a maid to him, he will be like a slave to you and he will honor you like his master. And if you will make yourself big upon him, he will be like a master over you against your will; and you will be, in his eyes, cheap like one of the maidservants.'" A man's nature is to respond with THE OPPOSITE of what his wife presents to him. If, in her demeanor, she is small and modest, he will love, respect and admire her. That's the way G-d made nature. Taking modesty seriously, and keeping affection and physicality private, are major parts of the holiness of the Jewish people.

Modesty is a safeguard against immorality, it is a vital element of peaceful marriage and it keeps a woman exclusive with her husband. Jewish law requires that a woman be modest in dress, demeanor and actions in every facet of life. Her internal character qualities make her bigger, more beautiful and beloved to her husband. "A Jewish woman's honor is internal (Psalms 45:14)."

Rambam wrote [Hilchos Ishus 15:17-20] that a husband is to approach his wife (for physical relations) never by force or pressure, but only by obtaining her will through first talking nicely to her and making her happy. He must honor her more than he honors himself and love her as much as he loves himself. He must spend money on her to do good for her. The more money he has, the more he is to spend on benefitting her. He must never be frightening, depressed or angry with her. His speaking with her must always be gentle. The Torah also commands the woman in conduct. She must be extremely modest (especially regarding demeanor, clothing and covering of her hair). She should minimize levity and silliness, she should not speak on the subject of marital relations, she should not refrain from being with her husband, especially when this will pain him. She should obey all of his words, instruction and will. She must honor her husband exceedingly as if she views him to be an officer or king, and she must distance herself from anything he dislikes. This, Rambam concludes, is the way the holy men and women in Israel conduct themselves in their marriages, and THROUGH THIS, THEY WILL LIVE A BEAUTIFUL LIFE TOGETHER.