There is a common expression that "Men are from Mars and women are from Venus." Torah knew gender differences since Sinai and it is important for Jews to learn true, accurate and precise information about gender differences and compatible living ONLY FROM THE TORAH. I hold it is "traif" to go to outside sources to learn about the holy and fundamental institution of marriage. To start, the gemora deals with "where the genders are from."

The Talmud (Shabos 62a) calls women "a nation unto themselves." Chazal knew the exact nature of analogy. When the sages give an analogy, it is perfect from every angle. By their saying that men and women are different "nations," the analogy tells us that they must achieve "alliance," uniting their differences "on the same planet." They must regard each other the way ambassadors, interpreters and diplomats regard and deal with those from a foreign nation. Each has a different language, culture, history and mind-set. Dealing with a spouse is like dealing with someone from a strange country. When couples come to me for marriage counseling, they often have trouble communicating and comprehending the other's mental process. Part of my work is serving as a "translator." In spite of the differences, peculiarities and inexplicability of the other, each must be able to get along peacefully and productively. The man and woman each have different natures, personalities and abilities. By bringing them together harmoniously and complementing each other for the benefit of creating a complete whole, the two "nations" come together as "allies" to achieve a common purpose which neither could achieve without the other. The man and the woman each bring resources, temperament, thinking patterns, personality traits and strengths into the marriage that the other cannot provide. When unified and at peace, they come together and make strong "alliance" of two different "nations" to achieve good that each could not achieve alone. Their differences are a source of completion, not dissention.

G-d calls only a married couple a "human being," as the Torah writes (Genesis 5:2), "Male and female He created them, and He blessed them, and He called THEIR NAME 'MAN'...". Alone each is incomplete, only half a human being, and ill-equipped to build a complete life. If you don't believe me, just remember: man or woman ALONE CAN'T produce half a baby! Only together, the "allies" constitute a complete human being, equipped for adult life.

Today we often hear about career women who want to work, kollel wives who have to work, or men who have to work two jobs to make ends meet. Such arrangements can introduce stress and trouble into a marriage. But, this does not necessarily have to be. Remember that we live in a society that can be extremely callous, insane and filthy. We must always use the Torah as our frame of reference and value system. Looking at questions (e.g. women at work or in college, or men staying home) from the vantage point of secular culture, makes the basis for judgement invalid. In "Aishes Chayil," the "wife of valor" is a good businesswoman. This never damages her femininity, modesty, fear of Hashem, midos, hashkofos, holiness or obeying of halacha. She does her tasks, which have no mental, emotional or cultural symbolism to her. Her husband trusts her and she builds him up so he is respected by Torah leaders. G-d made each gender differently. Each must always operate in the framework of his or her gender.

I know two observant families in which the husbands are working men with unglamorous salaried jobs. Both of their wives are practicing, hard working medical doctors. These two marriages are stable. Each boasts a romping crew of children. The two women are energetic, brilliant, well-adjusted, talented and capable. They manage homes, careers, motherhood and marriage. It can be done. Often, trouble is a question of what the roles mean psychologically in each case and how secure each is deep down (e.g. a macho man or an accomplished pushy wife).

Jewish marriage laws, in the aggregate, promote a happy, strong, smooth, respectful, peaceful, gentle, holy and functional marriage; when the laws and principles are all consistently observed in good faith by both the husband and the wife - with the right values, priorities and attitudes. In the case of the two women doctors, each woman sees to the responsibilities of her domain. For example, both serve the shabos meals. Both have very good midos. One woman only started medical school when some children were old enough and could help in the house. These children, now in the late teens, help with the housework, shopping, cooking, baking and babies. The other woman uses a housekeeper part-time and, when the husband comes home from work, he cares for their little children part-time. The roles and duties have no unhealthy psychological meaning or agenda for theses two couples and are worked out in their two homes SO THAT THE PRACTICAL FUNCTIONS OF LIFE ARE SUCCESSFULLY AND COOPERATIVELY ACHIEVED. The marriages are not subordinate to the arrangements. THE ARRANGEMENTS ARE SUBORDINATE TO THE MARRIAGES. In good cases, marriages are at one with all arrangements, nothing in the Torah is violated, no family member makes any other suffer and PEACE IS THE FIRST CONSIDERATION.