In my counseling and workshop experience, people repeatedly tell me that they won't marry, or stay married, without love. What is called love in Western Society today is not love at all. It is an internal emotional reaction within a person to another person. The feeling is a response evoked by psychological association with what the other person represents for the person's inner emotions, needs, subjectivity, psychological history and longings. Therefore, the feeling is defined, characterized and colored by the internal personality content and experience (often negative and intense), and (when not healthy and workable) by internal lackings. This means that the thing which is felt as love is actually self-directed emotion, not love for the other person. It stems from what is wrong, unhealthy, lonely and/or missing within; from what is NOT THERE and what is NOT WORKABLE. When the needs cease to be met, or when the cost of a relationship exceeds the gain, that feeling dies. There never was love. Since the "love" never stemmed from a "something," the relationship must eventually also end up a "nothing." One cannot fill an emotional void with a futile relationship. It is filled by psychological repair AT THE ROOT of the personality, which can then be followed by a real and strong relationship between two wholesome, communicative and mature partners. It is important to note that miserable people can put on a lovely act for the public (often fooling themselves too); appearing to be personable, functional and generous; while being intolerable brutes and/or irresponsible deadbeats in their close relationships.

After the relationship ceases to be emotionally worth it, or capable of providing the needs it once supplied, or when the emotional needs that once were there change or cease, the self-serving and self-gratifying feeling that was CONFUSED WITH LOVE no longer exists. Because the underlying motive and appeal of the relationship was self-serving; extending oneself, sacrificing, giving in, adaptability, patience, compromising, contribution and commitment are not practical options (grandiose lip service, perhaps; but no real, unconditional and sustained effort or giving). The person will fault-find, blow up furiously, evade the other person or relationship responsibilities on some important level, close down, be spiteful or vicious, provoke or find any number of ways to quit the relationship or challenge the other person into quitting it (this is called in Psychology "Approach-Avoidance"). In our community too today, people commonly "fall in and out of love."

The only person who mattered all along was self. There was no weight, importance, gratitude, respect or love for the other person. In fact, there can eventually be extreme blindness to the impact of one's behavior, callous indifference, rigidity and/or sadistic cruelty to the other person. As long as the other person suited self, the relationship was fine and attractive (sometimes even to a compulsive or desperate extent). It was fine, however, ONLY as long as the relationship essentially suited SELF and gave what was needed.

Often this comes from abuse, dysfunction or other kind of emotional harm and/or from a lack of wholesome role model during young years. For example, a woman from a broken home was only attracted to men who would treat her like trash because she had no role model for a loving or enduring marriage. She had been hurt so much for her entire upbringing that she closed off her feelings and perceived emotional pain to be normal. She had no self-respect and she couldn't understand that a relationship should require commitment and shouldn't have constant angry fighting. She fixed herself by getting counseling and finally found a stable marriage. I know of several cases in which fellows from deficient homes were severely critical of their wives who, due to their own problems, could never adapt to change their offending ways. After a while, these fellows couldn't cope with their dissatisfying marriage. They abandoned their wives and disappeared. In one case I blame the destructive, shallow and irresponsible matchmaker, who knew both parties came from broken homes, and thought that two neurotics add up to one normal couple.

Sometimes the elusiveness of love is more subtle. For example, a single woman told me that she was repeatedly attracted to unreliable and dysfunctional men who were always a "challenge" and offered her no serious relationship. She claimed her home had been normal; her parents were loving, kind, supportive and nurturing. In exploring it, we discerned that her father was a hard-working man who came home late and deprived her of his time. He treated her like a princess when he was there but he was there far too little for her developing emotion's needs. So, when she grew up, she needed to chase futile relationships with men who could make her feel "validated," important and approved of by "rescuing" them.

Besides psychological disturbance and deficiency, the inability to seek, share and maintain genuine and lasting love can stem from plain old-fashioned selfishness, immaturity, superficiality, ego, greed, bad midos, peer-pressure (choosing a spouse for externals that don't identify or characterize the individual person, such as his/her yeechus-family, profession, learning, social status, talent, charisma), etc. We continuously hear of people marrying an impressive "catch" who, in the long haul, turned out not to be a nice or impressive human being. Conversely, humble, good-hearted, down-to-earth, respectful, trustworthy people generally make successful spouses and parents. Often, one's relating difficulties come from a combination of factors, and relationship problems are compounded by the dynamics of two complex personalities being drawn to, interacting with and inciting one another.