From the Torah's story of Korach, we know how evil and destructive fighting is. Regarding marriage, the sages say (Derech Eretz Zuta, chapter nine), "A home with dissention is destroyed." A husband and wife cleave together "as one flesh" (Genesis 2:25), "The happiness of a heart is a wife" (Shabos 152a), "A woman's husband makes her happy" (Rosh HaShana 6b). A happy, attached and peaceful marriage is not only possible, it is axiomatic.

The Chofetz Chayim once hired a coach in a rural area. The driver stopped and said, "I am going to steal some hay from this farm for my horse to eat. Warn me if someone sees." As he was about to pick up some hay piled near the road, the Chofetz Chayim screamed, "Er kukt (someone sees)!" The driver ran back, cracked his whip, sped off and then asked, "I didn't see anyone. Who saw?" The Chofetz Chayim pointed upward. The One above always sees.

Vayikra Raba (Emor) tells of two friends. One sold a carob tree to the other. The buyer found a fortune of jewels in the trunk. Not wanting to be a thief, he insisted that the seller take the treasure back. The seller said that he sold the tree "as is" and taking the fortune would make him the thief! Both insisted that the other take it, and neither would. They went to the king, who ruled that one's son marry the other's daughter and to give the fortune to the couple. A Jewish fight starts with feeling yourselves to be loving friends, who could not think of hurting or shortchanging the other; and, to do so would be criminal. Each wants the other to win and plays the lawyer for the other's side of the story, and advocate for the other's good. When the two cannot settle the matter themselves, refer to the King - Hashem, His Torah, a known rov who is an expert in the subject of the question.

The Talmud (Sanhedrin 32b) asks how to establish precedence when two boats, going in opposite directions, meet on a narrow river when the water is too narrow to cross. There are two criteria given for deciding who can force the other to back up: the one with the heavier load or the one closer to its destination.

This is a valuable principle for resolving impasses in human relations. If one is carrying a heavier burden or is involved in a project which is in the process of being achieved, that person is deemed to be in greater objective need and wins precedence. Say, a wife is emotionally drained or hurt, she has a "heavier burden." If a husband is doing work and needs momentum or must meet a deadline, he is "closer to a destination." When differences "rock the boat," give priority to the resolution most consistent with: long-run peace; the least damage, hurt or loss; and honesty.

Attribute weight to your partner's feelings and perception. You may not grasp what the issue means to your partner, due to subjectivity, emotions and biases. See beyond yourself - your partner does! Be soft as a reed (Taanis 20b), bendable and adaptive. Make yourself gentle to save yourself from the sin of anger (Taanis 4a) and never respond to insult or provocation (Shabos 88b). Erev shabos is a tense time, extra prone to fighting (Avodas HaKodesh). Expect that there is more to a story or in the context that you don't know. Don't jump to conclusions. Give benefit of doubt and let the other's honor be as dear to you as your own (Pirkei Avos, chapter one & two). Listen carefully to what your partner says. Be impacted by it and respond substantively to it.