The Talmud (Yevamos 62b) says that "The man who loves his wife as himself and who honors her more than himself" will have a peaceful marriage. Why does the teaching address itself to the man? The ultimate goal is peace which requires participation by both the husband and wife. Why love as much as self? Why honor more than self? How does this add up to peace? How (if it starts only with the husband) do we get to where there are peaceful results that are equal and reciprocal?

This "formula for peace" places emphasis on kavod (honor, respect). Indeed, when brought in halacha (law), enormous, even excessive, measures of kavod are obligatory for the husband and wife in treating each other (e.g. Rambam and Tur). Kavod comes from the same root as the word kavaid (heavy, weighty). Kavod, we see, is attributing weight, substance, existential heaviness, to the one whom I respect or honor. And, it is of such a nature that when one treats a spouse with enough kavod, this will contribute to peace.

"Who is honored? The one who honors the other (Pirkei Avos, chapter 4)." Why is this so? When I am out for my own kavod, my self-interest comes across to the other person. Everyone wants to be honored; to be recognized, responded to, to be important and have his feelings addressed. This is human nature. When I am after my own kavod, my treatment of you automatically diminishes or negates your kavod. I am "heavy" and you are "light" so I'm indifferent to you. I bombard you with my ego and quest for my needs. This psychologically puts you on guard, puts you off, puts "relational distance" between us. My ego and needs are antithetical to yours. It's either/or, mutual exclusion. When you relate to me, you want (in psychological and human terms) to be "heavy," not "light."

When, in our relationship, I present my offer and treatment of kavod, the message is that I am a gainful force for your good, honor, needs, security, well being, ego and feelings. I am delivering the kavod, weight that you need. I'm there for you. You matter. You are important. You sense I can be trusted. You're not on guard, the barriers are down, you're not diminished nor threatened. This psychologically warms you up to me, your advocate. Kavod FROM you is evoked. You give back in kind. When I furnish unconditional kavod to you, you spontaneously have kavod for me. We both voluntarily provide kavod to each other. Everyone wins.

In marriage, there are objective standards, needs and responsibilities which are beyond yourself. When there are occasions which require getting outside of yourself and beyond your limitations or subjectivity, you must respond and rise to each such occasion. This is accomplished by attributing "weight" through objective kavod, beyond the limitations of your subjective emotional "fuel supply" of love. This explains why, to have peace, it is not enough to fuel your beneficence towards one another with love alone. Being emotional and subjective, love can get two people attached, but if the demands and pressures of life or of the relationship require more than the limited supply of subjective and emotional love, the relationship's "fuel supply" runs out. Emotional love can be a projection from your mind, which can be "off target" about the other person's reality. Together with kavod, the relationship can withstand the vicissitudes of life, and maintain shalom. Kavod is the insurance that causes one to relate objectively outside of oneself to the other person; with honor, recognition and kindness; beyond the limitations of your emotional powers or subjectivity, based on what the other person really is. Your partner is a reality outside of yourself, different than yourself, and with needs, feelings, dignity, sensitivities, quirks, shortcomings and an individual identity. Kavod assures RELATING AND RESPONDING TO THE OTHER'S REALITY ("on target"). Further, it is a reality of a woman's nature that when her husband gives her kavod, and makes her SECURE that she has it, she will automatically and actively give it back. The kavod response inclination is more in the nature of a wife than in a husband. If the man takes responsibility to first and ongoingly give kavod, we are assured that both spouses, if psychologically normal, will give kavod.

Almost every time (whether in my professional experience or in people I know personally) that I see a married or "serious" couple going sour, after having had some form of amazing love, the breakdown to viciousness and hostile alienation is directly proportional to how much KAVOD WAS NOT THERE pretty much all along. Only with genuine and reciprocal kavod, and when kavod is paramount and constant, does a couple have shalom bayis.