Almost everyone who comes to me for counseling, matchmaking, or a shailo (Torah question) tells me that they, and the family which they come from, are wonderful, fine and perfect. Were life only so simple! A lot of familial troubles have to do with modern values; which, typically, are callous, egotistical and external; which engender selfishness, immaturity, subjectivity, greed, cruelty and neuroses. Although everything is case by case, very often, in essence, men are not men and women are not women. How can their deficient, barrier-ridden partnership be called "marriage?"

One of the hot questions is women's equality. Men and women are not equal, by design, and they are created to come together to add up to a whole. Alone, each is not complete. When people ask me for proof, I ask them, "Can either a man or woman alone produce half a baby?" That closes the case effectively. Problems start when someone attributes value judgement to the differences, fails in any of the responsibilities which he or she owes to the marriage, abuses the other in any way (e.g. psychologically, physically or monetarily), or is too immature or disturbed to have a functional and healthy marriage. Jewish marriage is a big "package deal." When both work and give what each owes to the other, the marriage works, it is happy and peaceful.

A midrash tells a wife to present herself to her husband as a maid to a king, so that her husband will see her as a queen. Notice that SHE (not he) has to see herself as a maid. He has to see and respect her as a queen! The midrash, wisdom of our Creator, addresses the reality of human nature and gender psychology. "Kol kvoda bas melech pnima (ALL of the RESPECT of a Jewish woman is inside, Psalm 45:14)." The Torah is telling us that G-d created man so that his heart will most love, respect and care for the woman who presents to him modesty, humility, goodheartedness and sterling midos (character qualities). That's the way G-d designed the dynamics of "intergender psychology," and thank G-d He gave us Torah teachings for us to employ for the good of our marriages. The midrash calls the woman who abides by its lesson wise. She is, after all, the woman who is assured of her husband's love, respect and attachment. If both partners are normal (which might be asking a lot these days), both will voluntarily and consistently treat eachother like royalty.

A wife is a man's "aizer kinegdo (help against him, Genesis 2:18)." The commentaries wrestle with the apparent contradiction of "help against." It seems that if she's a help, she's not against! If she's against, she's no help! Rashi explains that if the husband is worthy, she will help him in life. If he is evil, she will be against him. Ralbag says that we see from the fact that she is the "aizer kinegdo," there is no partnership, no equality. She has to help him in his mission in life and to take care of the home and their children. Rashi is telling us that he has to be a mentsh and Ralbag is telling us that her job is to help him do his job in life. There may be some responsibilities which you may assign to whichever mate can handle them most successfully and there may be areas in which the mate responsible for it may delegate it to others. For example, a woman who is brilliant might earn more money than her husband, or a woman who is organized might manage better the money which he earns. But, she must remember to be feminine and good-natured, not use her prowess to be domineering or arrogant. Talent or genius is no exemption from midos, derech eretz or behaving like a mentsh.

The main thing is that all responsibilities are done, that the couple bring their strengths together as allies or teammates to make a complete and peaceful unit, that both are constantly good to each other and that both can trust the other to do his or her part steadily. When you have practical questions, take them to a qualified rov (a G-d fearing rabbinical authority) known to have expertise in the subject of the question. In the "Amida" we pray for intellect (da'as) and then the next request is that G-d help us do tshuva (repentance from sins and errors) - which is obviously the first thing which a Jew's mind is designed for! When a marriage doesn't work, ask "What do I have to do tshuva on?" By the time people come in to me for counseling, they have a whole list of what the other has to do. Typically, changes don't come till each says, "What am I doing wrong, what do I have to do?" To be continued with "Specific Responsibilities."