A person is a concrete reality with feelings, needs and dignity, to which you must lovingly and actively respond, with no margin for error or damage. That other person's reality - not your concept of that person - substantially defines what proper treatment of that person is. In marriage, your behavior must be defined by the obligations imposed by the Torah and the sages, as well as the reality of the other person as an individual and as a member of the other gender. That person's taste, feelings and mental processes are going to be very different from yours. Never lose sight of the fact that the other gender thinks and operates differently and a major part of relating is allowing for the other gender's way. We don't say it can't be done. Chazal say (Shabos 62a) that women are a seperate nation from men. Another nation may have strange differences in culture, language, mentality and history. But, two nation can have common goals, ambassodors, embassies, alliances, diplomats, language interpreting, cultural exchange and friendly relations; so can man and wife - if they work to understand eachother, cooperate and add their different talents together, instead of making war. I do not like the popular (but secular) analogy of men and women being from separate planets (Mars and Venus). This analogy does not suggest the same common end that a Jewish man and woman strive for in their marriage. Chazal knew the limits and nature of analogy. Any analogy from Chazal is perfect in all respects, or when analyzed from any angle. Comparing man and woman to separate nations recognizes their differences while providing for achievement of peaceful, workable and sanctified union together (on Earth!), if they work properly at it.

From this moment on, continuously and actively (without passively waiting for opportunities to find you) chase after opportunities to practice giving, consideration, derech eretz, gentleness, benefit of doubt, responsibility, humility and generosity - in spirit as well as action - for the unconditional benefit of others (without expectation of remuneration). Practicing this will make you a finer person and a more "Torah-dik" and kind-hearted relator; especially with any who are vulnerable, disadvantaged, weak, or in any man-woman (dating or marriage) relationship with you. Difficult circumstances can make a marriage shaky. By building up "spiritual muscles," you can maintain uncompromisable high, steady and trustworthy standards that will preserve your marriage for a lifetime.