The gemora (Kidushin 41a) says that it is obligatory to see a prospective partner before any marriage so that you can know that there will be nothing unappealing that will interfere with your fulfillment of "Love your fellow Jew as yourself" (Leviticus 19:18) with your spouse. It is obligatory to marry someone who you can reasonably expect to unreservedly and lastingly love. Another Chazal (Avos DeRebi Noson, chapter 16) makes an intriguing and important point about this verse, which more fully says, "Love your fellow Jew as yourself I am Hashem." Why add "I am Hashem?" Isn't the verse clear and complete enough? Chazal say to read it as if it says, "I am Hashem Who created that other Jew." You are commanded to recognize whom you are loving and WHOSE CREATION you are commanded to love! You are commanded to fulfill the high behavior standards and obligations that G-d's Torah imposes on you at all times. This is said of every Jew...for your "better half" how much moreso!

A person is a concrete reality with feelings, needs and dignity, to which you must lovingly and actively respond, with no margin for error or damage. That other person's reality - not your concept of that person - substantially defines what proper treatment of that person is. In marriage, your behavior must be defined by the obligations imposed by the Torah and the sages, as well as the reality of the other person as an individual and as a member of the other gender. That person's taste, feelings and mental processes are going to be very different from yours. Never lose sight of the fact that the other gender thinks and operates differently and a major part of relating is allowing for the other gender's way. We don't say it can't be done. Chazal say (Shabos 62a) that women are a seperate nation from men. Another nation may have strange differences in culture, language, mentality and history. But, two nation can have common goals, embassies, diplomats, language interpreting, cultural exchange and friendly relations; so can man and wife - if they work to understand eachother, cooperate as "allies" and add their different talents together, instead of making war. I do not like the popular (but secular) analogy of men and women being from separate planets (Mars and Venus). This analogy does not suggest the same common end that a Jewish man and woman strive for in their marriage. Chazal knew the limits and nature of analogy. Any analogy from Chazal is perfect in all respects, and when analyzed from any angle. Comparing man and woman to separate nations recognizes their differences while providing for achievement of peaceful, workable and sanctified union together (on Earth!), if they work properly at it.

From this moment on, continuously and actively (without passively waiting for opportunities to find you) chase after opportunities to practice giving, consideration, derech eretz, gentleness, benefit of doubt, responsibility, humility and generosity - in spirit as well as action - for the unconditional benefit of others (without expectation of remuneration). Practicing this will make you a finer person and a more "Torah-dik" and kind-hearted relator; especially with any who are vulnerable, disadvantaged, weak, or in any man-woman (dating or marriage) relationship with you. Difficult circumstances can make a marriage shaky. By building up "spiritual muscles," you can maintain uncompromisable high, steady and trustworthy standards that will preserve your marriage for a lifetime.

The gemora makes another analogy. A jar with one pebble in it makes noise when shaken. A jar that is jam-packed tight with pebbles does not make noise, no matter how much it is shaken. An empty person makes noise when shaken. A wise person responds, when shaken, quietly with substance and wisdom. This includes when "shaken" by your relationships.

The Maharal writes that spirituality is intellectual and at rest. Things of the physical world have time, space and motion. Marriage at essence is spiritual. The spiritual is basically calm, tranquil and stable. A marriage with agitation, inconsistency, hurtfulness, selfishness, falsity, fighting, inconsideration, cruelty, anger, impatience, arrogance or other bad traits is rooted in earthly sources, which all oppose success. Marriage cannot be happy if you look for it to make you happy. Marriage cannot overcome internal tension, unhappiness or distress. My private counseling work experience repeatedly and consistently shows that MARRIAGE CANNOT MAKE AN UNHAPPY PERSON HAPPY, AND MARRIAGE TO AN UNHAPPY PERSON CAN MAKE A HAPPY PERSON UNHAPPY! Marriage can only be happy if EACH strives to MAKE THE OTHER HAPPY AND APPRECIATES WHAT THE OTHER DOES. What you give to and get out of a marriage eminates from your inner self. This true inner self defines your TRUE STATE OF LIFE which defines the TRUE RELATOR IN YOU. Marriage can be spiritual only if the self and relator in you is truly spiritual, and if both of you are always oriented to giving happiness and satisfaction to each other.