In a 10-week relationship workshop I did in a Manhattan shul about six years ago, a complete session was spent on one woman who was personable EXCEPT WHEN IT CAME TO MEETING MEN. She virtually froze with shyness and insecurity. After about three quarters of the session, another woman blew up (caringly) and said loudly, "HOW CAN ANY MAN APPRECIATE YOU WHEN YOU DON"T APPRECIATE YOU!?"

Often, very nice people who are very eligible do not know how to present themselves. There are many factors (social/communication skills, going to wrong events, unrealistic expectations, self-image, immaturity, selfishness, etc.).

If you lack self-confidence, write a list of your attributes - the one's a reasonable potential spouse would value having. Don't get egotistical. Strive for a balance between 1. enough confidence to achieve justifiable esteem and 2. not too much to make you arrogant. A good test is: do I see people with similar esteem (which is healthy) or do I now see others as lower than me (not good!).

In a singles scenario, try to remain calm and unselfconscious, conveying psychological availability should someone appropriate materialize. Some people appear "stand-offish;" they "broadcast" inaccessibility and distance. A major part of successful human relations (and therefore, of forming them!) is SINCERE RESPONSIVENESS to another. If someone looks at you, smile. Find ways to make other people "register" with you, matter, evoke life from you. Rabbi Akiva Aiger wrote that people love others who make them feel loved. Just watch out for manipulative advantage-takers. If there are unattractive things about yourself (e.g. physical or psychiatric health conditions or defects) which must be revealed, ask a rov. It is imperative to ask a shaaloh in each individual case because the laws about how and when to reveal illness and defects about a shidduch are very complicated. The midrash says that your true basherte will accept your defects.

Men: girls don't want to hear about sports or business. Women; men don't want to hear about a dress. Ask the other person about him or herself. Don't talk about yourself...this shows that you can't be concerned about another. Be considerate of each other and interesting for the other. Stay sincere. Show interest in the other and what (s)he says. Relationships are not sustainable without respect, sacrifice, trust and giving. Keep the mood positive.

Do not date two people at a time. This violates: 1. wasting time and 2. money, 3. deceit (false messages & hopes), 4. disrespect. Practical counseling experience shows - IF YOU CAN'T RELATE TO ONLY ONE, YOU CAN'T RELATE TO ANYONE!

Women, don't ever just use a guy for a meal. Since he is expecting a date (and is only being used) this is theft. Don't ever give a guy who you meet a wrong number. If you don't feel that the guy is of interest, politely say to him that you just don't feel that the two of you are for each other. That's entirely alright to do. If a guy is going to call you, don't put him off. Set up a date in a reasonably close period of time. Guys, never fail to call a girl - in a timely manner - when you tell her that you're going to call her. Be very respectful and considerate of the other person's feelings and time. Be punctual for all phone calls and dates. Don't waste a person's time if you do not have interest in the person. Rabbi Chaim Shmuelevitz, Rosh Yeshiva of Mir in Jerusalem in the previous generation, said that not keeping another person waiting fulfills the mitzva to love your fellow Jew as yourself.