There is a serious trend recently among our young generation. More and more, couples are divorcing after mere weeks or months of marriage. People are hearing more and more of this horrifying phenomenon. Since some of these juvenile couples wind their way into marriage counseling, I can tell you that the prospects here do not look good. Unlike older couples, with maturity, life experience, years invested together, children and, sometimes, grandchildren; these overblown babies are selfish, impenetrable and "unhelp-able." For example, during counseling sessions they brazenly and unabashedly insult, mock and verbally stab each other in front of me, they want the other to do all of the work and changing, they want all blame off themselves and put upon the other, and are downright nasty. I have to ask myself, "What kind of chinuch do such people receive?" And if the educators claim the problem is all in the homes, why send them for chinuch? - to go through mediocre, empty motions?

To do nothing about training students how to relate like a good-hearted mentsh is throwing away a major key to Torah living. There are halachos of special kavod due to one's main rov. The Shulchan Aruch (Yorah Daya 242:30) says that the rov who deserves to be specially honored is the one who teaches psak halacha (conclusive law), in-depth understanding of Torah, truth and correct behavior in life. The Rama makes clear that the rov who deserves respect is NOT the one who teaches mechanical, intellectual or sharp thinking; it is only the rov who DIRECTS ONE TO PRACTICAL, PROPER TORAH LIVING - the rov who teaches one to BE A MENTSH! Can people who divorce within a year and throw spouses away like used candy wrappers be products of any rov or rebitzen who deserves the special respect due only for directing a student on the correct path of life?

As a frum rabbi, I don't need to be told that educating yeshiva boys and Bais Yaakov girls about effective close marital conduct is not an option; but many of the foundations can be set during the formative years (I'll give some examples in the next installment). After all, the schools teach children and adolescents laws of yichud and tzneeyus. There are limits on what can be taught them about the man-woman relationship. But, an ocean of training can be given on the basics of how to be a relator and a mentsh with ANYBODY, to have good midos and derech eretz, to do chesed, to not talk or act badly or hurtfully against another, to have consideration and respect for others, to be sweet and peaceful. We are going to have to increase our emphasis on mussar and practical training for human development and daily relating, both in our schools for children and youth, and in applications for adults.

A rebitzen in my neighborhood, one of these sweet old lady types, told me that marriage is "giving up." There it all is, boiled down to two words by the voice of experience. Marriage is giving up your self: ego, wants, selfishness. Since my counseling work experience shows that the increase in marriage troubles and divorce are happening in all segments (e.g. Chassidish, Litvish, Modern, Sefardi), the problem is NOT in any one segment's system of matching (e.g. bashow vs. dating). The problem is in the generation's young people growing up to be selfish, irresponsible, immature, spoiled, egoistic, chutzpadig, nasty, inadaptive, mean, blind to the impact of their behavior on any other person (and worse, unconcerned!), neurotic and with bad midos.

Sefer Alay Shor writes that one is only ready for marriage when one is able to be more giving to another than (s)he needs others to be giving for him/her AND when one is able to accept more responsibility for others than one needs others to accept it on behalf of him/her. GIVING TO, AND RESPONSIBILITY FOR, ANOTHER ARE PREREQUISITES TO MARRIAGABILITY! If people's focus is on self-indulgence and taking, attempts to marry this generation off are somewhere in the neighborhood of hopeless. From what I'm hearing around the "scene," and seeing in my counseling work with younger clients, I fear, Rachmona Litzlon, that by the next generation, the Agunah Page will expand to 20 pages per issue! Educators and parents, get on your toes! Our work is cut out for us. Consider a representative suggestion for education intended to develop children who'll be ready for marriage and "real life." Although the educating that I do on these subjects (relating, midos, bain adam lechavairo obligations, etc.) is for adults, the basic ideas can be boiled down to the level of children and youth. I can as easily say that a married couple should give each other presents as I can say that a little child should share his lollipops with school mates. Just add resourceful thinking and the drive to make a nice, good-hearted, well-socialized and metshlach generation of Torah Jews. Midos, derech eretz, chesed, interpersonal mitzvos and caring about other people - and the impact of your behavior upon them - apply at all ages.