A painful part of the singles situation is being rejected, especially by a person you have hopes about. It can be an emotional blow. The best defense against your remaining single is being the best partner another could want. I've noticed in my counseling experience, after a relationship is ended, that often people can't "let go." Sometimes the singles blame the other * as having damaged the relationship, * as having faulty judgement about rejecting them or * as not seeing how wonderful a marriage the couple could have had. This is all fantasy. I have seen numerous men and women in tears over someone rejecting them. They, tragically, are "off the market" and unable to move forward with a realistic relationship. They are "stuck" and in pain, sometimes for months or years. It is as if the relationship aspect of their lives is suspended. One person grew clinically suicidal after being rejected. I was involved in setting up hospitalization, in conjunction with a psychiatrist. Sometime the singles grow bitter, jaded, or untrusting. Sometimes they bounce back after some time (and, if necessary, counseling) when the wound is healed.

To give a concrete example, a divorced 40-ish year old woman attended one of my lecture series. Afterwards, she complained to me that men want younger women. "What's wrong with men that they don't want women who are 'age appropriate' for them?" That is the wrong question. There are couples who marry with a variety of age differences between them. The main thing is that the couple like eachother and get along. The Pezishnitzer Rebbe (who lived in Poland at the time of World War Two) said if a couple with an age difference of 20 years is "basherte," they should marry and G-d will not leave the younger widowed at an early age. If sometimes men want women who are younger, that is their issue. Clearly, this woman was feeling hurt and upset that she was rejected several times, presumably for her age. She cannot do anything about her age. She cannot reform a population of men who want younger women. She cannot control the will - whether correct or mistaken - of other people.

There is a principle called, "tului al daas achairim (dependent upon the will of others)" which shows up in halacha. For example, when a Jew does a mitzva there is a blessing to say. Why is there no blessing on the mitzva of giving charity? Because it is "tului al daas achairim." You may take out money, make a blessing and offer the money to the poor person. If, for whatever reason, the poor person does not accept the donation at the last moment, you will have said a blessing in vain. The poor person may not like your looks, may die while you reach into your pocket, or may see someone offer him a bigger donation. Blessings contain G-d's name and we may not say G-d's name in vain. So strict is the prohibition of saying G-d's name in vain, we do not say a blessing for a mitzva when it's consummation requires the active participation of another - upon whose will we are dependent and over whom we have no control. When washing before bread I am dependent solely upon my own will so I am able - and obligated - to make a blessing for the mitzva. In the case of charity I am dependent upon the will of others and the other is not to be depended upon to accomplish the mitzva, so there is no blessing.

In shiduchim, when rejected by someone who you don't want to be rejected by, that is not within your control. All you can do is be the best possible catch in your power to be. You can be the best possible addition to someone else's life. You can develope your good potentials. That is in your control. Be great, as defined by the good you offer and the negative that you don't. Be valuable, in accordance with what the Torah says is true value in a human being and mate. You can't control someone else's decision about you. You can just know securely that the rejection was not your fault and that you are prepared to offer your best self to the right one.

Getting back to the woman who had been rejected because of age, what she can do is be the best possible mate any rational man could want. What she can do is work on her midos, virtues, qualities, goodness, habits, responsibilities and behaviors; so that any man who rejects her loses a great potential mate. What she can do is take full responsibility for her part of a marriage. What she can do is be her best self and be prepared to make the right guy happier than happy. If she would be her greatest, and be prepared to relate to the greatness in the right guy, wild horses wouldn't keep a good shidduch from her. As long as she condemns, resents and cries about how blameworthy guys are, all the men in the world who she will see as "age appropriate" will see her as "single appropriate." Her focus is on why "they're not good," instead of presenting to the world her genuine focus of "we both are truly very good." Two excellent people make an excellent - and happier - couple!