When I give live presentations and workshops for singles, on subjects of relationships or finding one's mate, one of the recurring areas of intense interest from audiences is how to determine which person to choose for marriage. For the purpose of this Jewish Press series, the next two installments will be dedicated to two facets of this question. This article will address factors which indicate whether your interest in a person is healthy and solid. The next installment will address discerning (from the indications in the relationship) if the person is suitable for you. There are, of course, no guarantees (since there are many variables in oneself, the other and unforseen developments in life). However, we can strive to weed out serious and costly mistakes and to increase the chances for helpful judgement and for success. 1. You are consistently attracted to good-hearted people who have more psychological and relating positives, and less negatives. You do not focus on externals or material advantages. You would unconditionally take the person if (s)he did not have money or social status. Your focus and priorities emphasize good inner qualities and your objective prospects for "human compatibility." 2. Attraction to this person is relative calm, not intense or excited. 3. Attraction is to people who are well-liked by, who are respected by, and who get along well with, a good number of people who are mature, psychologically healthy, responsible and who have good midos and judgement. 4. Attraction is to people who you respect more than you like or love. 5. You think through relationship choices in advance for long-run prospects (reasonably, the best you can; so as to judge a fairly compatible, if not perfect, candidate) before emotional investment or involvement. 6. You are happier to give to the other person than to get from the person. You are attracted to people who, like you, are happier to give than to take. You allow the other to give also, so that the interchange is approximately even. Note: healthy giving is in order to please, benefit or complete the other person; not to "rescue" the other person, nor to obtain approval or pay-back; because these are giving to your own immature needs. 7. You are not attracted based on what others think of your choice. You are attracted on the basis of a solid and wholesome match for your life with productive, stable, positive and enduring prospects. You seek and heed prudent, objective and mature advice; but you do not respond to pressure (e.g. matchmaker, rabbi, parents, peers, offer of money to marry) and you do not seek approval (e.g. marry a kollel guy, professional or someone from a rich or esteemed family because it makes you look or feel good). 8. You consistently resolve differences with people peacefully, calmly, directly, gently and promptly. Any resolution contains heartfelt concern for fairness and consideration for the other's feelings and needs. If either of you hurts the other, the offender immediately (upon learning of the error) "runs" to sincerely and unhesitatingly communicate, apologize and do what it takes to make it right. You both understand each other reasonably well and both adapt to please or to get along with each other. Peace is always a top, non-compromisable priority. Whenever you cannot work out an acceptable resolution by yourselves, you both voluntarily go to da'as Torah and, regardless of the difficulty or discomfort involved, faithfully and totally obey the p'sak with a good attitude. 9. You are turned off by people who have bad or destructive midos: e.g. they are cruel, antagonistic, angry, arrogant, selfish, unhappy, dishonesty, grudge-bearing, jealous, critical, demanding, unstable, rigid or undisciplined; or are hungry for honor, approval, power, materialism or self-indulgence. 10. If you see any patterns which don't work, you fix them each time, so that you progressively are doing better and better as a relator and judge of prospective partners. You have the courage and integrity needed to steadily grow. You see marriage as a lifelong commitment to and mechanism for healthy ongoing growth. To be continued with: "Keys To Discerning Who The Right Match For You Is."