When I do practical counseling for serious [unmarried] or married couples with problems, they are often rigidly stuck on their behaviors, positions and attitudes. They are blind to the impact they have on the other and are often only concerned about themselves and what they want, and they have no regard for any hurt they may cause the other. They generally allege some measure of love, but I maintain that such cruel, selfish, immature, disturbed, unadaptive and blind behavior stems from self-love. The other is only an opportunity to feel love for self, when the relationship is self-serving and does not cost more than it gives. It is clear, too, that such people have no love for G-d. To some extent, their frumkeit is necessarily phoney because G-d would have no part of anger, hurtfulness, selfishness, irresponsibility, arrogance or fighting. Therefore, it stands to reason, for the observant Jew, who is commanded to love G-d and fellow Jew (including the one he/she married!), IF YOU WANT G-D TO CONSIDER YOU FRUM, YOU HAVE TO DO THINGS ON HIS TERMS. HOW YOU PRACTICE LOVE WITH A SPOUSE DEFINES HOW MUCH YOU REALLY LOVE G-D.

The giving of the Torah at Sinai is an analogy to a marriage, with G-d the groom, the Jewish nation the bride, and the covenant of the Torah the permanent marriage bond. The twelve tribal leaders' inaugurating the service of the sanctuary (Parshas Naso) is also an analogy to marriage, in which each leader, at his own expense and strictly for the sake of Heaven, brought an identical batch of sacrifices on each of the first twelve days that the sanctuary was operating. Ramban says that the Torah's repitition of the twelve sets of sacrifices tells us that the twelve leaders' intention was fully for the honor of G-d. To show how beloved and beautiful this was in Hashem's eyes, the Torah saw fit to repeat a paragraph with about 70 words 12 times, a "redundancy" that is never elsewhere found in the Torah. And this is symbolic of marriage: unity; peace; selfless, pure and ongoing generosity, honor and love for a spouse.

At the beginning of the wedding ceremony, we make a blessing: everything was created for the honor of G-d...including marriage.

Imagine a person totally filled with an amazing package of only goodness and maalos (attributes). For example, the person has good midos (character traits), derech eretz (civil, thoughful and polite behavior), a good heart, seichel hayashar (sound, uncorrupted intellect), honesty, good hashkofos (worldviews), saiver punim yafos (cheerful countenance), a pleasant disposition, does kindness, learns and is loyal to Torah, "wouldn't hurt a fly," is responsibile and his/her behavior is commonly a kiddush Hashem (sanctification of G-d in people's eyes). You can study such a person and learn how to acquire or improve his/her good characteristics in yourself to become a better and higher person.

Even though such perfect people are not found everywhere, you can learn good traits to work on and increase, or bad traits to conquer and eliminate, from properly studying people and with the input of a rov or mussar instructor.

The more you can look at people like this, such that it is spiritually constructive and keeps bringing you closer to G-d and Torah (They are perfect!), the more you realize that all things of this finite material world - including people - are concretizations of concepts which G-d wants us to learn from and absorb for the sake of Torah and service of G-d. THIS APPLIES TO MARRIAGE, THE PERSON YOU MARRY, THE LAWS OF MARRIAGE (during both the times apart and together) AND THE WAY YOU BEHAVE WITH THE PERSON YOU MARRY AT ANY TIME.

If a person is looking for a mate for "what's in it for him/her," whether the "frum stuff" (a boy in learning, a baalas-chesed girl, etc.) or "worldly stuff" (money, looks, status, sense of humor, feeling like "electricity" when together, etc.), that makes a very weak case to place before G-d when seeking the mate. Everything in creation - including marriage - is for His sake and honor, not your own. Marriage requires that you give. We can't require marriage to enable us to take. My counseling experience and Torah learning indicate this is central to why many these days can't find or keep a mate (although every case is unique, and only G-d knows why any individual is not yet married).

It is natural to want someone filled with virtues, attributes and goodness. If two people want to give, to love and honor one another and G-d, that is a world apart from wanting benefits for self-centered reasons.

Look at potential mates (or the one you already are married to) as having good qualities. See these good characteristics as things worthy of making you a giver, as worthy of loving and honoring - not only in this person. See these traits as concretizing, in a form that fits into our physical world, attributes of G-d, that enable you to better love, honor and serve Him. For example, if a person is kind, humble or polite; see these for human models of how G-d is kind, humble and polite. There are sources in Torah that will enable you to study such things. Studying maalos will also help you appreciate your mate.

If you approach seeking, or living with, your mate in a way that enables you to build more perfect love and honor for G-d, and the capacity to treat a mate as Hashem requires, He, like you, will undoubtedly want you happily married.