There are three halachic categories for discussing shidduchim and each has different obligations; a person who is: 1. a "stranger" to the shidduch (i.e. not one of the people asking or being asked information), 2. asking and 3. being asked. In this installment, we will discuss the first category.

A stranger to the shidduch (one not asking or asked information; e.g. a schoolmate, neighbor, etc.) may know some information about the boy and/or girl. This person may not offer information if not asked, unless the matter is of utmost seriousness (e.g. major illness or defect, violent or promiscuous tendency, unfaithful to some part of Torah observance, inability to have children, psychological illness, an illness that occurred three or more times in the family [the Steipler says "three times" can mean either in one generation or in more than one generation], anything that will cause major loss or damage, anything that can potentially break up an engagement or marriage if learned about later, anything that most people, or this individual, would be "makpid [stringent, particular]" about, bad midos [flawed character traits] or any intentional attempt by one of the parties to trick/deceive the other).

The stranger is obligated to offer serious information and is obligated to not offer unsolicited information that is less than serious. Ask a rov when and how to reveal such information because the laws are complicated. For some examples, 1. do you yourself know about the defect (e.g. are you the person's doctor to know the person has cancer, one lung, diabetes, epilepsy or heart trouble; which you must reveal) or is it only hearsay (the K'sav Sofer says that you cannot go by hearsay)? 2. should you first ask the person what (s)he knows about this matter ("has plony discussed health with you?") because plony may have already disclosed the problem and then you will have no permission to speak about it, 3. is it a revealed blemish that is in the open and can be seen itself or is it a covered/internal/non-apparent defect that a person cannot see? 4. what point is the couple at (are they already serious or engaged?), 5. the couple thinks they are for each other but you know [objectively and factually] they are not likely to succeed together, 6. is this a defect that people don't tend to expect, don't tend to investigate carefully or may have been lied to about? There can be numerous questions that can affect what to do or say, so speak to your rov comprehensively in each individual case.

It is better for revelation of a blemish/problem to come from the boy or girl him/herself, rather than from another person. Any tone of deception or evasion will kill trust and the Maharal writes that no marriage can last without unending trust. Everybody involved in the shidduch must be honest. The Chazone Ish says that you receive SIYATA DISHMAYA [Heaven's help] for obeying halacha. Ask a rov what is proper timing for when to reveal various defects and for how to handle lies by any of the information-givers or by the shadchan.

Close friends and relatives have greater responsibility. They must offer information about relatively minor blemishes, even if not asked, especially if the boy or girl would resent it if you knew about the defect and didn't tell.