STRATEGIC PRACTICAL EFFORT FOR FINDING YOUR MATE

Network. Networking can bring a lot of results for the amount of effort put in. By getting people "on the lookout for you," you multiply the amount of activity done on your behalf. To the extent that you effectively network, you add effort to your mate-search that exceeds the limits of your personal effort.

Go to people for Shabos or Yom Tov. Circulate. Get a wider circle of people to know you. Choose people who:

1. have judgement,

2. know other single men and women or networking contacts,

3. can get to know you meaningfully,

so that you can find ways to widen your number of connections and use your finite time sensibly and productively.

If you go out with someone and it doesn't "click," but (s)he is basically a decent, normal person, go on the "lookout" for each other, perhaps using a matchmaker, rebitzen or friendly couple as a tasteful intermediary. Since you have gotten to know each other a little bit, you may have enough of a sense of each other to think of people, from among people you now know, who may constitute a reasonable set-up. Happy marriages have arisen out of such thoughtful action. The person who you go out with today may not be for you, but you may have a cousin, co-worker or neighbor who might "click" for the other. And, the other person may have "a someone" who they know who may "click" for you.

Find couples who have successful marriages and who are successful relaters. Become friends with them, spend time with them, create as many opportunities as possible, as often as you can to be with them. Go to as many different couples as you can. Go to these couples for shabos, holidays, and on every occasion that you can. Watch how happily married couples treat each other, emote, respect each other, speak to each other, interact with each other. Observe and learn from these living examples what marriage - and successfully married people - are. Ask them to talk to you about what makes them happy and successful. Pick up their skills and their ways so that you too can become a successful relator. You can be very constructively effected and inspired by seeing successful marriages.

Try to make friends, or at least decent acquaintances, who you can get comfortable enough to describe what you are all about and what kind of mate you are looking for. They are real friends if they can constructively and caringly tell you things about yourself that you don't (or won't) see, and help you get more "on target" about who you are and need. A true friend will not merely say what you want to hear. You want people "on the lookout" as well as "on target."

Honestly introspect daily about your behavior, emotions, needs, "check list," goals, values, priorities, direction, success ratio, and whether you "are better off being 'yourself' or being 'effective'?"

Be careful and discriminating about the single events that you go to. Check on the hashkofa, the observance level of the expected crowd and sponsor, the shul, the koshruss of the food and the reliability of the administrators. You cannot put yourself in situations that risk any Torah compromise.

Have at least one, preferably several, QUALIFIED and caring advisors (e.g. rebitzen, rabbi, counselor, perceptive friends) who know you reasonably well. One may catch something another missed, or have input the other did not have, or several may note a fault so you'll stop evading it. Get OBJECTIVE input. Talk over impressions, events, reactions, behaviors (of the person you are dating and your own) and whether your various feelings are helpful and reliable or not. Don't be too hasty to either accept or reject a prospect for marriage. You don't want to get hurt for marrying or dumping someone you should not have. You must have BALANCE (as with all things in the Torah).

Remember, it is no trick to get married. Anyone can hire a hall. Going through with a ceremony DOES NOT PROVE you found your basherte. The trick is finding someone you can stay with for a lifetime. Regrettably, people marry (and even have children) and then break up. It was not basherte. The failed marriage may have been "preparation" for the "real one," to learn a needed lesson, for a kapora or any other reason deemed appropriate by G-d. When I counsel singles, I urge them to seek a compatible, trustworthy and stable mate; not one who "feels good to have" nor to "use in order to be married."

All we can do is increase chances for the good, not guarantee. Central points are: 1. do well-done "targeted" Hishtadlus; 2. each single truly being the best and most marriageable person (s)he can be; 3. and pray with all your heart to Hashem for mercy, help, blessing and success.