When I'm asked how to differentiate between infatuation and genuine love I answer that one has to care about the other as much as for oneself, and to relate to the entire person (including needs, problems and shortcomings - if the person has a problem, you are supportive, "there" for the person, concerned, connected and accepting, you look to justify and understand and exonerate and help and explain the negatives, and still accept the person and appreciate and enjoy the positives), and you want to give to the person of your own volition as would please the other without needing remuneration to motivate you. REAL LOVE SUPPORTS - IT DOES NOT MEANINGFULLY TAKE AWAY FROM - YOUR NORMAL LIFE. The time you must devote goes into a wholesome relationship, planning a wedding and into normal functioning. Pirkei Avos tells us that conditional love will not endure and only UNCONDITIONAL LOVE WILL ENDURE.

I must add a serious word of caution to this. This above definition of genuine love only applies when it is a healthy love between two reasonably healthy people. There are serious psychological disorders and emotional problems which can play out in a relationship. Love might, on the surface or at the start, look somewhat like the above description of healthy love. Various co-dependent, abusive, compulsive and dysfunctional relationships contain, as intrinsic symptoms, addictive clinging and giving to an unsuitable partner, and irrational defense or exoneration of the partner's faults. So, nowadays, it is crucial to differentiate between a normal manifestation of love (with such attributes as caring, benefit of doubt, loyalty, generosity, respect, adaptability, stability, two-sidedness and compassion) and the "unhealthy brand." Infatuation is typically all-possessing pie-in-the-sky love that can take a person's mind over. That love fills some emotional need but only remains while not challenging, threatening or taking away from what the love-object psychologically represents and provides.

When couples come to me for marriage counseling, they often tell me that they fear having differences. I tell them they should fear having fights but NOT to fear having differences. Diifferences are going to always be there. If handled in a fair, respectful, mature, two-sided and considerate fashion; RESOLVING DIFFERENCES WILL INCREASE THE LOVE, TRUST, RESPECT AND CLOSENESS OF A MARRIAGE (mature and mentshlach resolving of diffrences can make any relationship better: neighbors, business, family, etc.)

Healthy love is fairly consistent and is not diminished by the trials and stresses of "real life" or the loved person's requirements from you. It grows and deepens over the course of time with ongoing and mutual giving and maturation. In general, the closer, more vulnerable or more dependent people are, the greater the Torah's obligation upon you to be good to them. I heard in the name of a prominent Rabbi that marriage is life's most outstanding opportunity to do chesed (kindness) when doing so for a spouse and children. There is no one who is more close, more vulnerable or more dependent; and therefore the capacity to do good is the most meaningful and constructive.

Giving is the way G-d is to us. We are commanded to have His ways and midos. The rewards are in this world and the next. Ironically, by letting go of my preoccupation with my needs and my interests, on condition, of course that I have a partner with the same attitude and behavior, I can best get my needs met and satisfied, as much as is humanly possible. And with respect, kindness, compassion, humility, responsibility, honesty, flexibility, communication, giving and sacrifice; and all this from the heart to the heart and mutually; happy, healthy, beautiful, peaceful and successful love will follow and blossom continuously. The other's happiness, needs, fulfillment, security and well-being are the ticket to your own. Essence-relating is heart to heart. Qualities of the heart should furnish the highest value and weight. It is easy to fall into abstraction about this. Do you talk about midos, human qualities and virtues, practical and compassionate mitzvos? Is this what excites and energizes you? Is this what you talk about? Is this what attracts you to each other? Is this what endears a person to you? Is this what evokes your respect? Do you follow up in practical "real life" or is this empty "lip service?"

For marriage to be able to work, or to prepare yourself to be a person capable of a workable marriage, when two people are ready to give up each one's own needs, the orientation becomes the other's needs. To paraphrase Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler in his Kuntrus HaChesed, in the section on marriage, * only if YOUR NEEDS are MY job and MY NEEDS are YOUR job, * only if we orient our attitudes and behavior in the relationship to giving and to pleasing THE OTHER, an ongoing happy and satisfying marriage can be built and, in like manner, maintained with genuine love for a lifetime.