If the single saw a bad marriage in his/her parents (e.g. anger, violence, fighting, strife, divorce, spite, confrontation, domineerance, infidelity, abandonment or punitiveness); this puts into the single's mind frightening associations and thoughts that marriage will automatically cause anxiety, pain, shortchange or failure. The person may not be consciously aware of this fear of commitment, and may even feel a longing to be married, but that fear will work powerfully upon the mind and behavior of the single. If a parent was a survivor of and traumatized by the holocaust, or was emotionally abused or neglected by his/her parents, a pattern of emotionally injurious behavior may exist in that family. A professional exploration may reveal psychological and behavioral similarities or linkages between the single, one or both of his/her parent(s) and/or relating partners.

If one or both of the parents were hurtful to the single as a child, a fear of vulnerability or entrapment can develop. If a parent was domineering, stifling, cold, aloof, emotionally or physically unavailable, critical, abusive, punitive, exploitive or demanding; such becomes generalized and associated in the young person's mind with all close relating, never mind when "stuck" in a commitment. The single may not have been emotionally nurtured; may be untrusting of having another's approval, love, understanding, appreciation, compassion, respect or commitment. Closeness may be unmanageably frightening and threatening. A person may mistreat or avoid others to keep them distant. A woman, desperate for feeling loved or approved of, may be promiscuous. A man or woman with a broken self-image may do unreasonable, excessive or self-deprecating kindnesses and favors (at unhealthy levels) or allow him/herself to be used like a "shmata (rag)" for the approval or acceptance of others, in or out of a close relationship. But, it is never real or close relating.

A dysfunctional background affects what a person is attracted to and how one chooses and disqualifies partners. On a deep subconscious level, relationships must always fit into the person's emotional needs and conditions, and into the mold of the person's inner psychological situation. The person develops "antenna" for partners who feed into neurotic needs and patterns. The person may have an intellectual list of ideals to look for, but the person is motivated and driven on the emotional level and pursues relationships which hit the emotional "hot buttons." The ideal "list" is abstract and meaningless. THE ISSUE IS NOT LOGICAL, IT IS PSYCHOLOGICAL.

The person can engage in self-defeating and self-sabotaging patterns in relationship after relationship, repeating the same basic problems and patterns. An intense emotional and committed relationship can be frightening under the best conditions; all the moreso with complex and unhealthy issues in one or, very often, both partners. Marriage requires enormous maturity, responsibility, unselfishness, humility, flexibility, giving, discipline, sacrifice and will power. BEING LONELY OR SENTIMENTAL IS NOT SYNONYMOUS WITH BEING READY TO GET MARRIED. Two incomplete halves cannot add up to a complete whole. ONLY TWO REASONABLY COMPLETE HALVES CAN ADD UP TO A COMPLETE WHOLE (even though imperfect, they both must at least be functional and non-harmful). Both partners must be in, what I call, the "FUNCTION-LEVEL BALLPARK." Being emotionally scarred from childhood or a terrible previous marriage can severely impact subsequent marriage.

If a pattern occurs time after time, it always does not work, it is "always the other's fault" and you are repeatedly attracted to the same pattern or type of person; then there is a contradiction between what you want and the fact that it does not work. Generally, this requires considerable work and unraveling with professional counseling for this to be resolved and for life to "get on the right track."

If a relationship drags on for more than a few months and does not escalate to marriage, or it escalates to marriage and then becomes stormy, my counseling experience shows that often something intrinsic and fundamental is missing. Both have some profound and unhealthy need, dependency and/or lacking. The relationship offers something that the parties would like to have received from one or both parents in childhood, which affected the single with deep emotional and mental impact. The relationship provided some form of needed emotional comfort, convenience, relief, sensation or (imagined) safety. Ironically, when very neurotic, such a poisonous relationship is often hard to break. As it gets worse, there is more intensity, sabotage, provocation, blaming, punishing, hurt, instability and fighting. Both might be surprised that something that was once so beautiful degenerated to such a low point. But the trouble was there from "day one," if not childhood. These are types of troubles which need objective and professional exploration to obtain resolution.