There are some cases in which an effective approach to marital argument is: use humor! Vital, however, when using humor are:

* keen judgement,

* knowledge of your partner as a person, and

* understanding the dynamics in each individual situation. Never use humor if it will insult, provoke or aggravate your partner. Only use a humor approach when you can be reasonably sure that it will break tension - never add to it. The last thing you want is tactless escalation of a fight.

If your spouse says an angry word, you might smile widely and say, "You said an 'A word' and anger's a 'no-no.'" If you were supposed to do something by seven o'clock and it's five to seven, pull the plug (or battery) on the wall clock and say with a smile, "It's not seven yet!" If tension is building, smile widely and say with a laugh, "I know! Let's have a fight about it." Drop your smile, shake your head cutely left and right and continue gently, "No. The article says fighting ain't an option." Bring back the smile and conclude enthusiastically, "Well, that's the end of that idea!"

Your wife wants to re-paint the house. You are entirely against it but you don't want the almost inevitable confrontation that will follow your angry eruption. Be humorous, not sarcastic. Remember to keep your face and tone of voice funny so that the entire performance is uniformly cute.

"Why, I was just thinking it was time for a change. We could personally move all the furniture away from the walls. Good exercise, get the blood flowing nicely. Do you own a sweatshirt, dear? Empty out the closets and put everything on the sidewalk for five days. Great exercise in bitachon (trust in G-d)! Hire absolute strangers to come in and take over our house and pay them thousands of dollars to do it. Good character training to let go of our sense of ownership! Good citizenship. We'll contribute to the economy. Have the house smell. Good exercise in separation from material pleasures. Real mess for anyone who touches the walls till they dry. Great discipline for the kids. With so many advantages, why didn't we think of this years ago?"

Another approach that can break tension is to say something positive when your partner expects a criticism, insult or attack. Be sincere. After an unkind word from your partner, you'll surprise him/her with, "I appreciate the fact that you're trying to control your temper. I see that your response is better than it used to be. Thank you for working on it." When a young woman (who speaks to me about her marriage) gently used such a response, after an outburst from her husband, he felt so guilty that he became a contrite little lamb, and they made right up. On a subsequent occasion, she found herself repeatedly verbally attacking her husband. When talking about this developing trend, she told me that her husband and she were originally attracted to eachother on the basis of admiring eachother's talents. I changed their orientation to meedos and heart-to-heart bonding. They took this very seriously and went to work on giving, softness, empathy, communication, self-control and emotional supportiveness. She sincerely and diligently went to work on connecting with her heart and working on relating to his heart. He is much less sensitive than she, and he was moving at a much slower pace. She became critical and impatient, attacking him often. I told her to "touch his heart with your heart rather than attacking his heart." All the while that she was "not seeing the forest for the trees," she was violating - not developing - a heart-to-heart relationship. This woman worked steadily and patiently. She kept at it like a hero and turned their relationship around! Their marriage has been peaceful, warm, gentle and more communicative ever since.