Among the biggest problems is when one or both spouses is in psychological denial ("I have no neuroses, faults or blame") or psychological projection (you have all the neuroses, faults, problems and blame; including mine!). This is analogous to person A's house catching fire. He sees his home and all of his worldly possessions going up in smoke. He calls the fire department, but since he cannot admit to himself that he is having a life tragedy and his property is turning into ashes, he tells the firemen to go a few blocks away and put out a fire at B's house. The firemen cannot help A as long as they are directed to B. A has to accept the fact of major fire at his address and stop pointing his finger at B. Until then, the firemen are idle, unable to help, and A's house, life and possessions continue being destroyed. Until each person faces his own work on relationship resolution, introspection, personal responsibility, psychological issues and behavioral correction, even the best counselor is like the great fireman who was sent to the wrong neighborhood because homeowner A couldn't face his pain and fear or break old psychological barriers and habits.

A most tragic problem in single or married people is fear of a committed, intimate relationship. The more you try to remedy problems or bring the person into a close relationship, the more the person will sabotage or flee.

Kathy needed and expected too much, and projected her faults and neuroses. She told me that she is deep, refined and works on her character frequently and seriously. She could not accept any shallow or boorish man. She was married for about two years. He brought her flowers and presents; was supportive, loving, patient and communicative; drove an hour to save her when she broke down in a rainstorm; was generous and sacrificing to care for her. He did not make much money and she left him abruptly. He pleaded with her and professed his love but she suddenly, selfishly and callously was turned off and she dumped him like a disposable soda can because she couldn't have all that she wanted. She couldn't care less that she hurt and devastated him. After the break-up, she spoke to me several times. It turned out she only saw fault in him because she could not make a living and she projected her disdain for herself onto him. She was so insecure that she feared no one could love her so she was too frightened to maintain a love relationship. Kathy was inaccurate in saying that she was superior and needed someone "extra special." She needed NOT TO NEED SO MUCH. The cure was RESOLVING HER OWN LIFE-IMPACTING FLAWS & ANXIETY.

Another major problem in marriage counseling is that one or both want instant gratification and victory. We live in a society which trains us to want, demand and expect "instant everything." I can go to the grocery and buy a frozen meal that I put in the toaster so I have a complete breakfast in two seconds. People think personal growth or marital resolution come out of some freezer and avail instant gratification. It does not work like that in the real world. It takes time. Rushing can be futile or, worse, sabotaging. We're dealing with personalities, emotions, conflicts, self-image, resentments, deep-rooted habits and behavioral patterns, defenses, mistrust and biases. Further, some people in counseling often have their own personal agenda (which does not always coincide with objective, fair, mature, genuine and lasting resolution of the issues involved). This can make them manipulative, resistant or unreasonably judgmental; which can damage the therapeutic process. They go into counseling essentially to "prove" the other spouse wrong, and to strive to get their own way. They may run and run and run to several counselors or rabbis seeking to hear what they want to hear and to try to get what they want. The only thing they get accomplished is: they wear out lots and lots of shoes. Progress only comes with facing; and working hard, honestly and courageously on; the true and relevant issues, in and between the spouses. We will look at this further, from the standpoint of psychological health, when we continue later in this series with "Psychological Blindness To One's Destructive Marital Behavior."