Rosality - Reflections on Life from a Different Perspective
2010 Rosh Hashana, February, January, 2009 December(2), December, November, October, September, August, July, June, May, April, March, February, January, 2008. 2007. 2006
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I was feeling downcast, discouraged, diminished. I called my friend Maureen and hoisted my insecurities and my feelings of failure on her. She graciously gave me encouragement and succor and my self-esteem slowly returned home. One sentence in particular gave me an anchor so I wouldn’t drift away again in a sea of self-pity. She said, “Rosally, you’re too hard on yourself.” And for the next few days, whenever any self-critical inner monologue began in my brain, I switched to the frequency which broadcast the message, “Rosally you’re too hard on yourself.”
We spoke a few days later and I thanked her for helping me out of the quagmire of self-doubt into quiescence. But then the point came up that the people who really succeed in life, the people who accomplish and benefit us with works of art and deeds of kindness, who contribute to the world in a rainbow of ways are people who feel they haven’t yet done enough. Our greatest successes and accomplishments often come from a need to push ourselves harder, to do more. Success comes from striving, which comes from the feeling that you still have a long way to go.
However, while there are people who thrive under pressure and high expectations, there are people who buckle under from the strain and give up, feeling themselves and the situation, hopeless. Life is a never-ending journey but that doesn’t mean we can’t celebrate the milestones we reach along the way.
So I thought of a slight edit to my moratorium on self-criticism. “What you’ve done is good but you can do even better.” Positive reinforcement is much more effective than negative reinforcement a.k.a criticism. We’re paradoxically less likely to rest on your laurels if we graciously accept the bouquet. “This is good but I can do even better.” That way, we’re not fired up by failure, but driven by success and that is actually much more motivating and inspiring than failure or perceived failure, which is can be just as bad or worse.
Also if I’m less hard on myself, I’m more likely, by extension, to be less hard on other people. But that doesn’t mean I can’t still aspire to do more. After all, I’m doing good, I’m doing great and, God willing, I can even do better. And so can we all.
The Talmudic Sages Hillel and Shammai disasgreed about how to light the Chanukah candles. Hillel advocated lighting them in ascending order, like we do today, adding a candle each night. Shammai advocated lighting eight the first night and diminishing the number on successive nights. Each had justifiable reasons derived from the religious symbolism of the mitzvah. But we go according to Hillel because it follows the concept of increasing in Holiness. This is symbolic of our own struggle to become purer, more spiritual, holier people and to increase the level of holiness in the way we conduct our own lives.
Even a small light can drive away the darkness, but as you incrementally increase the light, you illuminate a greater area surrounding it. Each spark of love, of holiness, of good deeds, of kindness and achievement helps shed more light around us. The idea is to focus on increasing the light, knowing that we are already shedding light but we can always make things a bit brighter.
Wishing you all a happy, bright and illuminating Chanukah!
In an effort to find ultimate happiness and write a bestseller, I decided to write a book on how to achieve happiness. My working title was 500 Steps on the Path to Happiness. I asked over 50 people to give me a list of 10 things that they do that make them happy. I figured I’d get a few hundred, voila my book would be written and everyone would be happy. Literally.
Well, I got great response. People who never answer my emails were delighted to share what makes them happy. It made me feel… happy. But then there was a little glitch in my plans. Everyone’s responses fit neatly into 10 very basic categories of happiness-inducing behavior. There weren’t 500 things, there were really only ten. As my friends range in age over decades, work in various professions, affiliate differently religiously and live in many countries, they are an eclectic collection of unique individuals. Didn’t matter, same list. The same way there are ten universal laws of behavior (the Ten Commandments) and ten universal laws of linguistics (Chomsky, I believe) l‘havdil and various other lists of ten, there appears to be ten categories of happiness-inducing activities.
Okay, so now I would write a book entitled, The 10 Steps on the Road to Happiness. Catchy, no? So I tried to expound on the theme. I only got about 30 pages. I felt like I did in high school when we had to write one of those 3500-5000 word term papers for English Lit. I would sit there counting the ands, ifs ands or buts. Funny that I became a writer when I used to agonize over term papers. Then my computer crashed (see last issue of Rosality). Took all my documents with it into the black hole of cyberspace. I may have backed it up, but between you and me, it was like one of my term papers. But far be it from me to deprive the world of the secret to happiness even though I can’t make a million dollars from it.
So, I give you the 10 ingredients to happiness free because, after all, happiness is a free gift from God. To access it:
That’s it. Doing any one of the above ten things universally brings joy in its wake. Even thinking about doing those things makes us feel better. Admit it, you’re feeling happier, aren’t you? You’re starting to smile just from thinking about walking in the woods at sunset with someone you love singing The Colors of the Wind while eating your favorite chocolate which you bought from girls selling them to raise money for their school and reciting a chapter of Tehillim.
Now for a dramatic ending, I looked for a quote on happiness to sum up and wrap up this article neatly. All the quotes I found made one or the other of the points above. So enough said. I’ll just quote Bobby McFerrin: “Don’t worry be happy!”
Now pass it on…
A heartfelt thanks to all of you who contributed to this article! You made me very happy.
Wishing everyone a good summer! All the best,
Rosally
March 2007
A Fresh Start
In the Mishnah, there are stories about the possessions of religious people becoming imbued with holiness and beginning to act in accordance with a certain degree of spirituality; Stories of donkeys who refused to work on Shabbos, horses that wouldn’t eat food that wasn’t tithed and in my case, lehavdil, a computer that decides to clean itself before Passover. However, like most people cleaning for Pessach, it didn’t stop at chametz and wiped itself clean of my documents. Everything was wiped out. I do have hard copies of most of my writing but still…
As distressing as this was, it was also, surprisingly, liberating. My computer, although home to many important documents, was also crowded with documents that were non-essential and have been taking up memory on my hard disk. The erasure of my documents was like getting rid of excess baggage. It’s a chance to start again.
Pessach is a lot like that. I get very emotional every year when we burn the chametz. Though I’ll admit part of it is likely due to the overwhelming sense of relief after two months of preparing, cleaning, worrying, procrastinating and getting things done, part of it is no doubt a feeling of starting with a clean slate. Passover is the one time a year I thoroughly clean my house and try and rid myself of as much clutter as possible. As chametz is a metaphor for sin and the yetzer harah (evil inclination) and unwanted layers of impurity on our souls (much like the layers of dust on our sofas), Passover gives us the opportunity to clean house in every sense of the word. It’s very difficult to get rid of old stuff, whether it’s physical, material, spiritual or emotional and sometimes we need some cataclysmic event to put events behind us, let go of negative behaviors and habits and polish ourselves until we shine. True it’s easier to delete unwanted data from our computers (even when we don’t want to) than our hearts and minds but we can delete grudges and hurt, bad habits and transgressions, misunderstandings and superficial things cluttering up our brains and lives and hearts and closets if we try with as much enthusiasm as we clean for Pessach. Most of us would rather not be forced to start over by losing possessions, relationships, documents, status – all of which can be taken from us at any time. But on Erev Pessach, in the morning when we throw our last bits of bread into the fire, we can metaphorically throw in some other undesirable elements as well and go back to our clean homes, with a clean slate.
Pessach Kasher VeSameach! And a happy and flourishing Spring!
Rosally
February
2007Shining a Brighter Light
By
Rosally Saltsman
I was feeling downcast, discouraged, diminished. I called my friend Maureen and hoisted my insecurities and my feelings of failure on her. She graciously gave me encouragement and succor and my self-esteem slowly returned home. One sentence in particular gave me an anchor so I wouldn’t drift away again in a sea of self-pity. She said, “Rosally, you’re too hard on yourself.” And for the next few days, whenever any self-critical inner monologue began in my brain, I switched to the frequency which broadcast the message, “Rosally you’re too hard on yourself.”
We spoke a few days later and I thanked her for helping me out of the quagmire of self-doubt into quiescence. But then the point came up that the people who really succeed in life, the people who accomplish and benefit us with works of art and deeds of kindness, who contribute to the world in a rainbow of ways are people who feel they haven’t yet done enough. Our greatest successes and accomplishments often come from a need to push ourselves harder, to do more. Success comes from striving, which comes from the feeling that you still have a long way to go.
However, while there are people who thrive under pressure and high expectations, there are people who buckle under from the strain and give up, feeling themselves and the situation, hopeless. Life is a never-ending journey but that doesn’t mean we can’t celebrate the milestones we reach along the way.
So I thought of a slight edit to my moratorium on self-criticism. “What you’ve done is good but you can do even better.” Positive reinforcement is much more effective than negative reinforcement a.k.a criticism. We’re paradoxically less likely to rest on your laurels if we graciously accept the bouquet. “This is good but I can do even better.” That way, we’re not fired up by failure, but driven by success and that is actually much more motivating and inspiring than failure or perceived failure, which is can be just as bad or worse.
Also if I’m less hard on myself, I’m more likely, by extension, to be less hard on other people. But that doesn’t mean I can’t still aspire to do more. After all, I’m doing good, I’m doing great and, God willing, I can even do better. And so can we all.
The Talmudic Sages Hillel and Shammai disasgreed about how to light the Chanukah candles. Hillel advocated lighting them in ascending order, like we do today, adding a candle each night. Shammai advocated lighting eight the first night and diminishing the number on successive nights. Each had justifiable reasons derived from the religious symbolism of the mitzvah. But we go according to Hillel because it follows the concept of increasing in Holiness. This is symbolic of our own struggle to become purer, more spiritual, holier people and to increase the level of holiness in the way we conduct our own lives.
Even a small light can drive away the darkness, but as you incrementally increase the light, you illuminate a greater area surrounding it. Each spark of love, of holiness, of good deeds, of kindness and achievement helps shed more light around us. The idea is to focus on increasing the light, knowing that we are already shedding light but we can always make things a bit brighter.
Wishing you all a happy, bright and illuminating Chanukah!
Line Please!
By
Rosally Saltsman
One of the things I enjoy
about being a writer is that I get to control my universe. I decide
what people say in the little world I create and I can make sure that
everything turns out the way I want it to.
When I performed in plays, things turned out the way you expected them to, rehearsal after rehearsal, night after night. When they didn’t it would be amusing. And if you forgot a line in rehearsal, all you’d have to do is say, “Line please!” and the Stage Manager or almost anyone in the cast would supply it because it was predictable.
Life isn’t like that. It’s more like a never-ending improvisation. People don’t do or say what they’re supposed to. People don’t pick up their cues and they don’t help you out when you’re at a loss for words. In life, like in improv, you have a split second to apprise yourself of the situation and react and that affects the way the rest of the scene is played out and often the consequences are far reaching.
Life isn’t about things working out to our most expected or desired outcome. People frustrate us and hinder us and don’t say the things we want to hear. Because unlike in a fictional story or play or movie, people aren’t there to serve our storyline, they’re there to make sure that we, our character, realizes its full potential by facing and overcoming challenges which we may not always like but are for our greater good.
We can’t always script or cast our lives but we can give an award winning performance.
Improvisation is a lot of fun. I used to take a class in it. But here’s something you wouldn’t know unless you did it. Improv has rules.
Rule #1: You can’t deny the other person’s reality. If he or she avers something to be true, you have to buy into it even if it wasn’t in your plan and even if it’s about your relationship. You can’t argue with or negate their truth.
Rule #2: You have to stick with the framework of the exercise. Every improvisation exercise has a context and a set of rules for it. You have to stick to the game plan and respect the rules of the game.
Rule #3: You have to feed the other person lines that will help them create the scene you’re both working in. You not only can’t deny their reality, you have to make it easier for them to build it.
Rule #4: You have to be funny or at least pleasing. You have to make sure that whatever scene you’re building with the other person or people is entertaining for the audience. In life that audience is your friends, your family, your community.
Rule #5: The director has to like what you’re doing or he won’t let you stay on stage. In life, the Director is God.
Improvisation is one of the hardest forms of acting because you’re simultaneously writing, acting, reacting and playing the audience while trying to keep your mind on your ultimate goal. Sounds a lot like life doesn’t it?
Oh and one more thing. While improv is practiced and follows a framework the final result is never rehearsed. So everyone is surprised by the outcome. An improvisation ends when it gets to the punchline and each actor in the exercise intuitively knows when that high point has been reached and stops.
If we kept the rules of improvisation in our minds during our interactions with other people and our audience in our consciousness, life would be a lot more fun. And if we remembered the Director is always watching, we’d be a lot more careful about what we said and did.
Rosally
When I performed in plays, things turned out the way you expected them to, rehearsal after rehearsal, night after night. When they didn’t it would be amusing. And if you forgot a line in rehearsal, all you’d have to do is say, “Line please!” and the Stage Manager or almost anyone in the cast would supply it because it was predictable.
Life isn’t like that. It’s more like a never-ending improvisation. People don’t do or say what they’re supposed to. People don’t pick up their cues and they don’t help you out when you’re at a loss for words. In life, like in improv, you have a split second to apprise yourself of the situation and react and that affects the way the rest of the scene is played out and often the consequences are far reaching.
Life isn’t about things working out to our most expected or desired outcome. People frustrate us and hinder us and don’t say the things we want to hear. Because unlike in a fictional story or play or movie, people aren’t there to serve our storyline, they’re there to make sure that we, our character, realizes its full potential by facing and overcoming challenges which we may not always like but are for our greater good.
We can’t always script or cast our lives but we can give an award winning performance.
Improvisation is a lot of fun. I used to take a class in it. But here’s something you wouldn’t know unless you did it. Improv has rules.
Rule #1: You can’t deny the other person’s reality. If he or she avers something to be true, you have to buy into it even if it wasn’t in your plan and even if it’s about your relationship. You can’t argue with or negate their truth.
Rule #2: You have to stick with the framework of the exercise. Every improvisation exercise has a context and a set of rules for it. You have to stick to the game plan and respect the rules of the game.
Rule #3: You have to feed the other person lines that will help them create the scene you’re both working in. You not only can’t deny their reality, you have to make it easier for them to build it.
Rule #4: You have to be funny or at least pleasing. You have to make sure that whatever scene you’re building with the other person or people is entertaining for the audience. In life that audience is your friends, your family, your community.
Rule #5: The director has to like what you’re doing or he won’t let you stay on stage. In life, the Director is God.
Improvisation is one of the hardest forms of acting because you’re simultaneously writing, acting, reacting and playing the audience while trying to keep your mind on your ultimate goal. Sounds a lot like life doesn’t it?
Oh and one more thing. While improv is practiced and follows a framework the final result is never rehearsed. So everyone is surprised by the outcome. An improvisation ends when it gets to the punchline and each actor in the exercise intuitively knows when that high point has been reached and stops.
If we kept the rules of improvisation in our minds during our interactions with other people and our audience in our consciousness, life would be a lot more fun. And if we remembered the Director is always watching, we’d be a lot more careful about what we said and did.
Rosally
Fanatastic
I was at a bar mitzvah recently where I was talking with a friend's sister. We were talking about something my son felt strongly about and then she said, “Well you've always been a bit of a fanatic yourself.” It wasn't meant as an insult and I didn't take it as one. But I have been called a fanatic in my day and it hasn't been meant kindly.
It actually doesn't bother me too much as it gives evidence of two things, first is that I have a range of friends and acquaintances who are not like minded. Which ironically demonstrates a certain openness. The second is that I am a person of conviction, principles, loyal to my ideals, Quixotic. After all you know where you stand with a fanatic, there's none of this wishy-washy stuff. And I'm proud of my beliefs. It took me many years to develop them and develop a positive relationship with them.
I think it's all semantics anyways. Did you ever notice that when you talk about someone who practices self-discipline or self restraint they are a fanatic whereas someone who overindulges or acts with no restraint is a lover of something. Compare a health food nut with a food lover. Compare a religious fanatic with a pleasure seeker. Note a bookworm versus a sports enthusiast. It seems like people who are committed to certain ideals get bad press or bad labels.
Labels are subjective and relative. Obviously someone who is more to the right of your beliefs is likely to be considered a fanatic. Whereas we consider someone less so, as being not serious or committed enough. We are the yardstick by which we measure everybody else. Obviously someone with the same views as me is not going to consider me a fanatic no matter how extreme… um… I mean idealistic they may be. People at a protest will not call the other participants fanatics even when the police show up.
You know La Leche didn't let me become a breastfeeding consultant many years ago because they said I was too extreme. But La Leche is known as being extreme. I should have fit right in. It's all relative.
Do you know where the word fan came from? Yes, it came from the word fanatic! And fanatic is related to the word festive. It was first used to refer to religious nonconformists. Yet somehow when it's abbreviated, it takes on a positive quality. But when it becomes popular, it loses some of its conviction.
The truth is I'm proud of being a fanatic. People know where they stand with me and it's a lot easier to live in this topsy-turvy world when you know which side is up, when you're committed to things, when you have not only a view on a topic but a strong view on a topic. And fanatics make good friends, because they're loyal. They're committed to their relationships, the way they are committed to their ideals.
Obviously, there are some goals and ideals that shouldn’t be clung to. We have to stand up for the good that we believe in while so many people stand up for the bad. And the more fanatic we are in protecting the good, the better.
But ah, I hear you saying what about respect for someone who doesn't share your views? Live and let live you say. There are no absolutes. Who’s to say what’s right and wrong. But can you? Aren't there? Can’t you? Anarchy and Democracy can't co-exist. Peace and violence can't co-exist. Religion and self-worship can't co exist. Neither can fidelity and betrayal. Neither can devotion and apathy. You gotta pick one, you gotta choose a team, you need a moral, ethical code to live by and be ready to die for. If you're not ready to sacrifice for your beliefs, put your money where your mouth is, even alienate some people, well then where's your integrity? Is this the voice of fanaticism or of a person with a purpose, with a cause?
Well, I'm sure you have your own take on this. Everyone is a fanatic about something. And I don't mind if you call me one. I'd be much more insulted if you didn't. After all, everyone needs a fan club.
Rosally
By
Rosally Saltsman
I was at a bar mitzvah recently where I was talking with a friend's sister. We were talking about something my son felt strongly about and then she said, “Well you've always been a bit of a fanatic yourself.” It wasn't meant as an insult and I didn't take it as one. But I have been called a fanatic in my day and it hasn't been meant kindly.
It actually doesn't bother me too much as it gives evidence of two things, first is that I have a range of friends and acquaintances who are not like minded. Which ironically demonstrates a certain openness. The second is that I am a person of conviction, principles, loyal to my ideals, Quixotic. After all you know where you stand with a fanatic, there's none of this wishy-washy stuff. And I'm proud of my beliefs. It took me many years to develop them and develop a positive relationship with them.
I think it's all semantics anyways. Did you ever notice that when you talk about someone who practices self-discipline or self restraint they are a fanatic whereas someone who overindulges or acts with no restraint is a lover of something. Compare a health food nut with a food lover. Compare a religious fanatic with a pleasure seeker. Note a bookworm versus a sports enthusiast. It seems like people who are committed to certain ideals get bad press or bad labels.
Labels are subjective and relative. Obviously someone who is more to the right of your beliefs is likely to be considered a fanatic. Whereas we consider someone less so, as being not serious or committed enough. We are the yardstick by which we measure everybody else. Obviously someone with the same views as me is not going to consider me a fanatic no matter how extreme… um… I mean idealistic they may be. People at a protest will not call the other participants fanatics even when the police show up.
You know La Leche didn't let me become a breastfeeding consultant many years ago because they said I was too extreme. But La Leche is known as being extreme. I should have fit right in. It's all relative.
Do you know where the word fan came from? Yes, it came from the word fanatic! And fanatic is related to the word festive. It was first used to refer to religious nonconformists. Yet somehow when it's abbreviated, it takes on a positive quality. But when it becomes popular, it loses some of its conviction.
The truth is I'm proud of being a fanatic. People know where they stand with me and it's a lot easier to live in this topsy-turvy world when you know which side is up, when you're committed to things, when you have not only a view on a topic but a strong view on a topic. And fanatics make good friends, because they're loyal. They're committed to their relationships, the way they are committed to their ideals.
Obviously, there are some goals and ideals that shouldn’t be clung to. We have to stand up for the good that we believe in while so many people stand up for the bad. And the more fanatic we are in protecting the good, the better.
But ah, I hear you saying what about respect for someone who doesn't share your views? Live and let live you say. There are no absolutes. Who’s to say what’s right and wrong. But can you? Aren't there? Can’t you? Anarchy and Democracy can't co-exist. Peace and violence can't co-exist. Religion and self-worship can't co exist. Neither can fidelity and betrayal. Neither can devotion and apathy. You gotta pick one, you gotta choose a team, you need a moral, ethical code to live by and be ready to die for. If you're not ready to sacrifice for your beliefs, put your money where your mouth is, even alienate some people, well then where's your integrity? Is this the voice of fanaticism or of a person with a purpose, with a cause?
Well, I'm sure you have your own take on this. Everyone is a fanatic about something. And I don't mind if you call me one. I'd be much more insulted if you didn't. After all, everyone needs a fan club.
“The ability to understand a question from all sides meant one
was totally unfit for action. Fanatical enthusiasm was the mark of the
real man.”
Rosally
Gratitude and Negotiation
We are at the height of the year in terms of Spirituality. We begin a long process of celebration and prayer; of entreating and cleansing; of hope and renewed resolutions. At the risk of being indelicate, this translates into a great deal to negotiation - begging God to give us X and we will do Y. We take upon ourselves a renewed resolve to do the list of things we have been promising ourselves and our Creator for years in exchange for which He give us renewed life and some of the things on our wish list.
Perhaps though, we should try another tack. Instead of negotiation, we should try for gratitude and instead of too ambitious aspirations we should perhaps settle for maintenance.
The famous story of angels ascending and descending a ladder in Jacob’s dream teaches us that a person cannot remain static. In life, he is either ascending or descending – spiritually, materially, physically. He is either in ascent or decline. But consider this, if you find yourself in the same place as last year, it is because you have been both ascending and descending. Being in the same place, asking for the same things, making the same promises means that we have maintained the status quo. And think of this, the higher the status quo, the harder it is to maintain. A very righteous person has to expend more energy than someone less morally calibrated to retain his level of righteousness. The more we have in our lives: Friends, family, spiritual and material wealth, health, the more we have to be grateful for, the less there is room for negotiation and promises. Of course one can always strive higher, there is infinite possibility for improvement and gain but as it says in Pirkei Avot, Who is rich? He who is happy with what he has.
I’m not trying to break tradition. I will be streaming into the sanctuary with everyone else, asking for the divine gifts of health, wealth, happiness and success and promising once again to be more patient, kinder, have more self control and act more wisely. Making promises that whatever gifts God gives me this year I will use with serving Him in mind. The same Jacob who dreamed of the ladder made a similar deal with God promising to tithe his God-given wealth if God is with him.
I’m just saying maybe, perhaps, while we’re wringing our hands and our hearts, as is appropriate for this time of year, and making an accounting of our deeds, we should also take into account how much we already have to be grateful for and although God has it in his power to give us everything we ask for, perhaps it’s enough to realize how blessed we are with what we already have. What if we said like Jacob does later when he meets his brother, “I have everything I need.”
And what if although we recommit to being the best we can be during another year, we take pride (not haughty pride but pleasurable pride) in our achievements in what we have managed to accomplish even if we haven’t yet attained our ultimate goals. Just maintaining the status quo is an achievement. Perhaps we didn’t become more accomplished, but are we less so? Perhaps we didn’t become more generous but are we less so? Perhaps we didn’t always make the right choices, there is always room for improvement but even staying where we are is no mean feat. Maintaining a balance on the tightrope of life is an accomplishment every single moment.
So while we hope that the New Year will bring respite for our various troubles and worries, let us also give thanks for another year of all we have had to enjoy. And while we’re aspiring to make greater strides and renovate our personalities beyond all recognition, let us look back at the year not only with remorse and confessing our sins, which is absolutely what we’re meant to do, no argument, but also with the knowledge that we can improve because look how far we’ve already come.
There will always be more to have and more to do and as long as we live, till 120, we should strive. But also, the longer we live, the more we have, the more we have done, the more we have to be grateful for and happy about.
A Happy New Year.
Shana Tovah! Chatimah Tovah and Chag Sameach!
Rosally
August 2007
We have entered the phase of our yearly journey of seeking forgiveness.
I had decided suddenly one day to try and address the issue of forgiving someone who had caused me a great deal of pain and anguish over many years. I found it very difficult to even begin. I decided to call a friend who I knew had worked very hard on his trait of forgiveness to see if he could help me. He did indeed give me a very valuable tool to proceed. He told me that everything that happens to me provides an opportunity for me to grow; every experience good or bad is a tool to be used in self-refinement. I had learned this before but somehow I tend to forget it. But what was extraordinary, or on the other hand perhaps completely logical, was that a few hours before I had suddenly felt the need to let go of decades of resentment, he had spoken to someone who had held decades of resentment towards me and helped them release the grudge. Is that not incredible? And does that not clearly illuminate the path to receiving forgiveness from man and God?
Much, if not most, of bitterness is a result of umbrage taken when none was meant. People speak differently, act differently, think differently and express themselves differently from one another. We each have our own frustrations, expectations, style, history and hopes. When we vilify someone for something they said or did or something they didn’t say or do, we are in essence condemning them for what happens when one person’s energies meet another. Sometimes there are tremendous sparks of love and creativity. Other times, there are sparks which turn into conflagrations not because of any offense meant. It’s a chemical reaction. Very few people intentionally try to hurt others.
I have taken to making a list over the year of people whose forgiveness I must seek before Rosh Hashanah not because I didn’t seek it before or because I want to put it off as long as possible but because I understand the nature of seeking or granting forgiveness. In the heat of the moment we don’t always ask for or grant it wholeheartedly. Everyone wants to be good and to do the right thing. People offend one another basically because everyone sees the right thing from their own perspective, from a different angle, from their point of prejudice and insight subject to their personalities and inborn traits and this leads to derisiveness and divisiveness.
And this is dangerous because from a spiritual perspective, we are held responsible for other people’s ill feelings towards us. Regardless of whether we meant to hurt them or not, their unresolved anger can be causing us all kinds of spiritual, material and physical blockages. Other people’s anger, justified or not, can be standing between us and the things we most desire. Even victims of their own misconceptions can be causing us untold grief. So investigating who we might have slighted and placating them is the first step towards a healthy and happy new year.
The tool that my friend reminded me of was to remember that everyone in this world is here to help us become who we were meant to be. Any offense or pain another person causes is part of the process in molding us into the people who we are supposed to be and sometimes, let’s face it, it’s a painful process. They are just the messenger. So forgiving others shouldn’t be such a daunting task.
So first I would like to tell anyone who receives this that in six weeks time, on Yom Kippur at about 3:00 in the afternoon I’m in a state where I’ll basically forgive anyone so no need to worry. Secondly, I ask anyone whom I offended over the past year to please judge me favorably and know that I do mean well and please forgive me sincerely in your hearts. Most important it bears to remember that regarding forgiveness, it is not necessarily better to give than to receive but it is a prerequisite.
May all your wishes for the New Year be answered for the good and may we live in peace, harmony and love with one another.
Rosally
By
Rosally Saltsman
We are at the height of the year in terms of Spirituality. We begin a long process of celebration and prayer; of entreating and cleansing; of hope and renewed resolutions. At the risk of being indelicate, this translates into a great deal to negotiation - begging God to give us X and we will do Y. We take upon ourselves a renewed resolve to do the list of things we have been promising ourselves and our Creator for years in exchange for which He give us renewed life and some of the things on our wish list.
Perhaps though, we should try another tack. Instead of negotiation, we should try for gratitude and instead of too ambitious aspirations we should perhaps settle for maintenance.
The famous story of angels ascending and descending a ladder in Jacob’s dream teaches us that a person cannot remain static. In life, he is either ascending or descending – spiritually, materially, physically. He is either in ascent or decline. But consider this, if you find yourself in the same place as last year, it is because you have been both ascending and descending. Being in the same place, asking for the same things, making the same promises means that we have maintained the status quo. And think of this, the higher the status quo, the harder it is to maintain. A very righteous person has to expend more energy than someone less morally calibrated to retain his level of righteousness. The more we have in our lives: Friends, family, spiritual and material wealth, health, the more we have to be grateful for, the less there is room for negotiation and promises. Of course one can always strive higher, there is infinite possibility for improvement and gain but as it says in Pirkei Avot, Who is rich? He who is happy with what he has.
I’m not trying to break tradition. I will be streaming into the sanctuary with everyone else, asking for the divine gifts of health, wealth, happiness and success and promising once again to be more patient, kinder, have more self control and act more wisely. Making promises that whatever gifts God gives me this year I will use with serving Him in mind. The same Jacob who dreamed of the ladder made a similar deal with God promising to tithe his God-given wealth if God is with him.
I’m just saying maybe, perhaps, while we’re wringing our hands and our hearts, as is appropriate for this time of year, and making an accounting of our deeds, we should also take into account how much we already have to be grateful for and although God has it in his power to give us everything we ask for, perhaps it’s enough to realize how blessed we are with what we already have. What if we said like Jacob does later when he meets his brother, “I have everything I need.”
And what if although we recommit to being the best we can be during another year, we take pride (not haughty pride but pleasurable pride) in our achievements in what we have managed to accomplish even if we haven’t yet attained our ultimate goals. Just maintaining the status quo is an achievement. Perhaps we didn’t become more accomplished, but are we less so? Perhaps we didn’t become more generous but are we less so? Perhaps we didn’t always make the right choices, there is always room for improvement but even staying where we are is no mean feat. Maintaining a balance on the tightrope of life is an accomplishment every single moment.
So while we hope that the New Year will bring respite for our various troubles and worries, let us also give thanks for another year of all we have had to enjoy. And while we’re aspiring to make greater strides and renovate our personalities beyond all recognition, let us look back at the year not only with remorse and confessing our sins, which is absolutely what we’re meant to do, no argument, but also with the knowledge that we can improve because look how far we’ve already come.
There will always be more to have and more to do and as long as we live, till 120, we should strive. But also, the longer we live, the more we have, the more we have done, the more we have to be grateful for and happy about.
A Happy New Year.
Shana Tovah! Chatimah Tovah and Chag Sameach!
Rosally
August 2007
Forgiving
In the balance of the universe, it is customary to grant forgiveness in order to receive it. By
Rosally Saltsman
We have entered the phase of our yearly journey of seeking forgiveness.
I had decided suddenly one day to try and address the issue of forgiving someone who had caused me a great deal of pain and anguish over many years. I found it very difficult to even begin. I decided to call a friend who I knew had worked very hard on his trait of forgiveness to see if he could help me. He did indeed give me a very valuable tool to proceed. He told me that everything that happens to me provides an opportunity for me to grow; every experience good or bad is a tool to be used in self-refinement. I had learned this before but somehow I tend to forget it. But what was extraordinary, or on the other hand perhaps completely logical, was that a few hours before I had suddenly felt the need to let go of decades of resentment, he had spoken to someone who had held decades of resentment towards me and helped them release the grudge. Is that not incredible? And does that not clearly illuminate the path to receiving forgiveness from man and God?
Much, if not most, of bitterness is a result of umbrage taken when none was meant. People speak differently, act differently, think differently and express themselves differently from one another. We each have our own frustrations, expectations, style, history and hopes. When we vilify someone for something they said or did or something they didn’t say or do, we are in essence condemning them for what happens when one person’s energies meet another. Sometimes there are tremendous sparks of love and creativity. Other times, there are sparks which turn into conflagrations not because of any offense meant. It’s a chemical reaction. Very few people intentionally try to hurt others.
I have taken to making a list over the year of people whose forgiveness I must seek before Rosh Hashanah not because I didn’t seek it before or because I want to put it off as long as possible but because I understand the nature of seeking or granting forgiveness. In the heat of the moment we don’t always ask for or grant it wholeheartedly. Everyone wants to be good and to do the right thing. People offend one another basically because everyone sees the right thing from their own perspective, from a different angle, from their point of prejudice and insight subject to their personalities and inborn traits and this leads to derisiveness and divisiveness.
And this is dangerous because from a spiritual perspective, we are held responsible for other people’s ill feelings towards us. Regardless of whether we meant to hurt them or not, their unresolved anger can be causing us all kinds of spiritual, material and physical blockages. Other people’s anger, justified or not, can be standing between us and the things we most desire. Even victims of their own misconceptions can be causing us untold grief. So investigating who we might have slighted and placating them is the first step towards a healthy and happy new year.
The tool that my friend reminded me of was to remember that everyone in this world is here to help us become who we were meant to be. Any offense or pain another person causes is part of the process in molding us into the people who we are supposed to be and sometimes, let’s face it, it’s a painful process. They are just the messenger. So forgiving others shouldn’t be such a daunting task.
So first I would like to tell anyone who receives this that in six weeks time, on Yom Kippur at about 3:00 in the afternoon I’m in a state where I’ll basically forgive anyone so no need to worry. Secondly, I ask anyone whom I offended over the past year to please judge me favorably and know that I do mean well and please forgive me sincerely in your hearts. Most important it bears to remember that regarding forgiveness, it is not necessarily better to give than to receive but it is a prerequisite.
May all your wishes for the New Year be answered for the good and may we live in peace, harmony and love with one another.
Rosally
I am a Squirrel
A friend of mine told me about a game her daughter and friends played at a pre-wedding party. Everyone had to say what kind of animal they were. My friend chose a chameleon because she always goes with the flow and knows how to feel comfortable in and adapt to every situation. The description actually fit her quite well. So I began to think about what kind of animal I am.
I generally love most animals and the ones I don’t “love” I’m fascinated by. When I was a little girl with buckteeth, I strongly resembled a squirrel, as I was also very cute. Or so they told me. When I was sixteen, I had a haircut, which a cousin promptly labeled, “the squirrel”. When I was about 20, I had to meet a woman and give her something in a crowded place. She told me she looked like a goat. I told her I looked like a squirrel. We found each other.
Over the years, I have related to the characteristics of many animals: cats, lions, sloths but thinking it over, if I had to pick an animal to most relate to, a squirrel still fits the bill. I’m very hyper, even in middle age, and everyone always tells me I move and talk fast. I have little patience and oh yes, I’m still cute though my cheeks are a little fuller and my tail a little bushier.
I have always berated myself about the fact that I am not an “enjoy the journey” kind of person. Doesn’t matter how many of those articles I read about life is a journey, I am very, but very, goal oriented. I scurry from task to task and leap from project to project rarely resting on my laurels. This is alternated with periods of hibernation in which I recoup my energy.
After my discussion with my Chameleon friend, I was at the aforementioned daughter’s wedding and you know what? I didn’t try to enjoy it. I had a list of tasks I had to do at the wedding. And for once, although I appreciated the sunset and enjoyed the chopped liver, I didn’t feel guilty that I wasn’t laid back with no to do list, because I accepted that I am a squirrel. And without the pressure of trying to live the moment, I actually had a good time.
While we all have traits that we need to work on and improve, out natures, our inborn character traits, are ours with which to manifest our true selves and accomplish what we were put here to do. While some people get annoyed that I’m constantly rushing and under pressure to get things done, making me seem brusque, they also appreciate the fact that I’m energetic, quick and efficient. And if they need someone to raft down the Mississippi (or Jordan river) with leisurely (though that sounds like fun and something to put on my to do list), they’ll pick someone else.
Humanity is like a prism of color. And when we decorate our lives, sometimes we want subdued tones and sometimes bright ones, sometimes dark deep shades and others pale hues. And before anyone writes me and tells me that people are multidimensional and how can I relegate a human being to a zoo exhibit, while we are multi-faceted, multi-dimensional, complex creatures, each of us has a modus operandi, a style and rhythm and that impacts on a lot of what we do. Yes, I’m deep but I’m also a squirrel.
So, as we begin the month where baseless love must take the place of baseless hatred in order for our redemption to come to fruition, I urge you to take stock of the people in your lives and try to understand them, accept them and love them for who they are. A chicken does not try to be an eagle and neither should it. We all soar to great heights in our way. And while we’re at it, we should love ourselves too because whatever species we may relate to, we were all created in the divine image.
By
Rosally Saltsman
A friend of mine told me about a game her daughter and friends played at a pre-wedding party. Everyone had to say what kind of animal they were. My friend chose a chameleon because she always goes with the flow and knows how to feel comfortable in and adapt to every situation. The description actually fit her quite well. So I began to think about what kind of animal I am.
I generally love most animals and the ones I don’t “love” I’m fascinated by. When I was a little girl with buckteeth, I strongly resembled a squirrel, as I was also very cute. Or so they told me. When I was sixteen, I had a haircut, which a cousin promptly labeled, “the squirrel”. When I was about 20, I had to meet a woman and give her something in a crowded place. She told me she looked like a goat. I told her I looked like a squirrel. We found each other.
Over the years, I have related to the characteristics of many animals: cats, lions, sloths but thinking it over, if I had to pick an animal to most relate to, a squirrel still fits the bill. I’m very hyper, even in middle age, and everyone always tells me I move and talk fast. I have little patience and oh yes, I’m still cute though my cheeks are a little fuller and my tail a little bushier.
I have always berated myself about the fact that I am not an “enjoy the journey” kind of person. Doesn’t matter how many of those articles I read about life is a journey, I am very, but very, goal oriented. I scurry from task to task and leap from project to project rarely resting on my laurels. This is alternated with periods of hibernation in which I recoup my energy.
After my discussion with my Chameleon friend, I was at the aforementioned daughter’s wedding and you know what? I didn’t try to enjoy it. I had a list of tasks I had to do at the wedding. And for once, although I appreciated the sunset and enjoyed the chopped liver, I didn’t feel guilty that I wasn’t laid back with no to do list, because I accepted that I am a squirrel. And without the pressure of trying to live the moment, I actually had a good time.
While we all have traits that we need to work on and improve, out natures, our inborn character traits, are ours with which to manifest our true selves and accomplish what we were put here to do. While some people get annoyed that I’m constantly rushing and under pressure to get things done, making me seem brusque, they also appreciate the fact that I’m energetic, quick and efficient. And if they need someone to raft down the Mississippi (or Jordan river) with leisurely (though that sounds like fun and something to put on my to do list), they’ll pick someone else.
Humanity is like a prism of color. And when we decorate our lives, sometimes we want subdued tones and sometimes bright ones, sometimes dark deep shades and others pale hues. And before anyone writes me and tells me that people are multidimensional and how can I relegate a human being to a zoo exhibit, while we are multi-faceted, multi-dimensional, complex creatures, each of us has a modus operandi, a style and rhythm and that impacts on a lot of what we do. Yes, I’m deep but I’m also a squirrel.
So, as we begin the month where baseless love must take the place of baseless hatred in order for our redemption to come to fruition, I urge you to take stock of the people in your lives and try to understand them, accept them and love them for who they are. A chicken does not try to be an eagle and neither should it. We all soar to great heights in our way. And while we’re at it, we should love ourselves too because whatever species we may relate to, we were all created in the divine image.
By
Rosally Saltsman
I hate
details. I’m
more of an intuitive, big picture person. I find details annoying,
bothersome, boring, intimidating, overwhelming…
But then I realized something - life is details. Raising a child, running a home, writing a book, running a business, having relationships is all about details, millions and millions of them that add up to our lives.
Raising children is about millions of kisses, thousands of hugs, hundreds of feedings and dozens of signatures. Running a business is about invoices and bills, tracking customers and buying stamps. Writing is about remembering to buy paper for the printer, maintaining your computer as well as a good relationship with your computer maintenance man. Running a home is about running out to buy milk and paying the bills, and having a long, lasting relationship with someone is more than anything about the details. Friendships are the total of endless emails, long lost letters and continuous conversations involving details. Tradition, religion and faith are about a myriad of details. Each of our bodies is a microcosm of details and the universe is a macrocosm of details. It’s like a Seurat painting. Billions of colorful dots which come together to make the brilliant work of art of our lives. Each of us is a pointillist masterpiece. I keep crying “Spare me the details,” but if I were spared, I would be spared a good deal of life.
Grand gestures are very dramatic but they are few and far between and usually they too are the culmination of hundreds of details that came before. It is no wonder that as science and technology increase their wisdom, they discover more and more details. The more vast, the more minute, the more important something is, the more details it involves. And nothing is more vast or intricate than life. The more we are involved with the particulars, the deeper we are involved with the nuclei of our existence. When we look back at our lives, we recall certain details vividly and forget others just as vividly. But they all matter.
Details are often tedious, frequently tiresome and always necessary. They are the minutiae whose sum equals the whole. We can, of course delegate many details to other people. And often this is necessary in living our lives as efficiently as possible. On the other hand, aren’t the most special moments of life, the ones we celebrate and remember, details? Our baby’s first smile, our first kiss, the first scent of spring, a summer rain, a new winter snowfall, a royalty check in the mail, a family joke. We can relieve ourselves of some of life’s tedium by entrusting the less desirable finer points to someone else’s charge. But in the process, we could also be sacrificing the rewards entailed therein.
Attention to detail means, we have a life and it’s full… of details.
All the best,
Rosally
But then I realized something - life is details. Raising a child, running a home, writing a book, running a business, having relationships is all about details, millions and millions of them that add up to our lives.
Raising children is about millions of kisses, thousands of hugs, hundreds of feedings and dozens of signatures. Running a business is about invoices and bills, tracking customers and buying stamps. Writing is about remembering to buy paper for the printer, maintaining your computer as well as a good relationship with your computer maintenance man. Running a home is about running out to buy milk and paying the bills, and having a long, lasting relationship with someone is more than anything about the details. Friendships are the total of endless emails, long lost letters and continuous conversations involving details. Tradition, religion and faith are about a myriad of details. Each of our bodies is a microcosm of details and the universe is a macrocosm of details. It’s like a Seurat painting. Billions of colorful dots which come together to make the brilliant work of art of our lives. Each of us is a pointillist masterpiece. I keep crying “Spare me the details,” but if I were spared, I would be spared a good deal of life.
Grand gestures are very dramatic but they are few and far between and usually they too are the culmination of hundreds of details that came before. It is no wonder that as science and technology increase their wisdom, they discover more and more details. The more vast, the more minute, the more important something is, the more details it involves. And nothing is more vast or intricate than life. The more we are involved with the particulars, the deeper we are involved with the nuclei of our existence. When we look back at our lives, we recall certain details vividly and forget others just as vividly. But they all matter.
Details are often tedious, frequently tiresome and always necessary. They are the minutiae whose sum equals the whole. We can, of course delegate many details to other people. And often this is necessary in living our lives as efficiently as possible. On the other hand, aren’t the most special moments of life, the ones we celebrate and remember, details? Our baby’s first smile, our first kiss, the first scent of spring, a summer rain, a new winter snowfall, a royalty check in the mail, a family joke. We can relieve ourselves of some of life’s tedium by entrusting the less desirable finer points to someone else’s charge. But in the process, we could also be sacrificing the rewards entailed therein.
Attention to detail means, we have a life and it’s full… of details.
All the best,
Rosally
May 2007
Smelling Like a Rose-ally
In my quest for self-improvement, I have found that I am a good candidate for behavior modification a la Skinner and Pavlov. I salivate at the sound of a bell (and the smell of most baked goods) and I often run around wondering where they moved my cheese. So in another effort at self-modification I came up with a plan of positive reinforcement. I made a list of several behaviors I would like to positively reinforce and decided that for each time I perform any of these behaviors I would give myself a point. So if I ate something healthy, I’d get a point; If I made it through an interaction without fighting with the person, I’d give myself a point; Another point for paying in cash and so on.
Of course reinforcement begs reward (I beg reward) so I decided that for every ten points I would put aside a shekel and when I saved up for my prize, I’d get it. My first goal was a bottle of perfume. I don’t mind wearing second hand clothes I find at a bazaar or first hand clothes that are a bit bizarre but I’m very particular about what perfume I wear. Unfortunately I have expensive taste in perfumes. I figured I would need 3-4000 points for a perfume I wanted but I figured this would be great motivation and help improve another quality that needs some work – patience.
I had barely started jotting down my achievements on the first day when what do I see on my email? An ad from a woman who had received bottles of perfume as gifts and was now selling them to anyone who made her an offer. I couldn’t believe it. I hesitated calling (someone has already probably grabbed them, how much could I offer, she lives in another city) but I thought this was too providential to ignore especially since one of the perfumes on the list was one of my favorites. I called her and offered her a hundred shekels. She agreed. I told her I live in Petach Tikvah could she wait till the next day for me to come and get it. Again, she agreed. One point for a positive interaction.
The next day, she very graciously met me at the beginning of her town. She had also brought along a bigger bottle (double the size) if I was interested instead for another 50 shekels. Okay. I paid her and gladly took my giant bottle of fragrance and walked off into the rising sun (in the wrong direction because I was speaking on my cell phone).
I called my very spiritually attuned friend on the way home to tell her my mission was accomplished and to share how God rewards even a glimmer of self-improvement.
“Yes,” She said. “But you know what I think,” she continued slowly.
“What?” I asked cautiously.
“I think that now that God has fulfilled his part of the bargain, you should fulfill yours.”
“Um…”
“I think you should put the perfume away and not use it until you’ve earned all the points needed to pay for it. Don’t you think so?”
“Sigh. Yes.”
I knew she was right. And now I had only half the points to collect for twice the perfume. Also, now I had more motivation because the prize was sitting in my closet waiting for me to claim it. So I’ve added a couple of things to my list so what?
I’ve often been blessed with having God respond incredibly quickly to my spiritual endeavors. He always conveys to me that He’s out there rooting for me as it were. His encouragement is always reassuring. And in this case, He even provided the most potent positive reinforcement.
This isn’t new of course. When the Jewish nation wandered in the desert, perfume fell with the daily Manna. God understood that perfume for a woman isn’t a luxury. In the days of the Beit Mikdash, ketoret, incense, was part of the daily sacrifices offered up to Him. God too desires the pleasant aroma of the service of His people. It’s the same deal. Spiritual effort for perfume. Now I only have another 1160 points to go.
On Shavuoth we decorate our homes and synagogues with fragrant greenery and flowers.
Happy Shavuoth!
Rosally
Smelling Like a Rose-ally
By
Rosally Saltsman
In my quest for self-improvement, I have found that I am a good candidate for behavior modification a la Skinner and Pavlov. I salivate at the sound of a bell (and the smell of most baked goods) and I often run around wondering where they moved my cheese. So in another effort at self-modification I came up with a plan of positive reinforcement. I made a list of several behaviors I would like to positively reinforce and decided that for each time I perform any of these behaviors I would give myself a point. So if I ate something healthy, I’d get a point; If I made it through an interaction without fighting with the person, I’d give myself a point; Another point for paying in cash and so on.
Of course reinforcement begs reward (I beg reward) so I decided that for every ten points I would put aside a shekel and when I saved up for my prize, I’d get it. My first goal was a bottle of perfume. I don’t mind wearing second hand clothes I find at a bazaar or first hand clothes that are a bit bizarre but I’m very particular about what perfume I wear. Unfortunately I have expensive taste in perfumes. I figured I would need 3-4000 points for a perfume I wanted but I figured this would be great motivation and help improve another quality that needs some work – patience.
I had barely started jotting down my achievements on the first day when what do I see on my email? An ad from a woman who had received bottles of perfume as gifts and was now selling them to anyone who made her an offer. I couldn’t believe it. I hesitated calling (someone has already probably grabbed them, how much could I offer, she lives in another city) but I thought this was too providential to ignore especially since one of the perfumes on the list was one of my favorites. I called her and offered her a hundred shekels. She agreed. I told her I live in Petach Tikvah could she wait till the next day for me to come and get it. Again, she agreed. One point for a positive interaction.
The next day, she very graciously met me at the beginning of her town. She had also brought along a bigger bottle (double the size) if I was interested instead for another 50 shekels. Okay. I paid her and gladly took my giant bottle of fragrance and walked off into the rising sun (in the wrong direction because I was speaking on my cell phone).
I called my very spiritually attuned friend on the way home to tell her my mission was accomplished and to share how God rewards even a glimmer of self-improvement.
“Yes,” She said. “But you know what I think,” she continued slowly.
“What?” I asked cautiously.
“I think that now that God has fulfilled his part of the bargain, you should fulfill yours.”
“Um…”
“I think you should put the perfume away and not use it until you’ve earned all the points needed to pay for it. Don’t you think so?”
“Sigh. Yes.”
I knew she was right. And now I had only half the points to collect for twice the perfume. Also, now I had more motivation because the prize was sitting in my closet waiting for me to claim it. So I’ve added a couple of things to my list so what?
I’ve often been blessed with having God respond incredibly quickly to my spiritual endeavors. He always conveys to me that He’s out there rooting for me as it were. His encouragement is always reassuring. And in this case, He even provided the most potent positive reinforcement.
This isn’t new of course. When the Jewish nation wandered in the desert, perfume fell with the daily Manna. God understood that perfume for a woman isn’t a luxury. In the days of the Beit Mikdash, ketoret, incense, was part of the daily sacrifices offered up to Him. God too desires the pleasant aroma of the service of His people. It’s the same deal. Spiritual effort for perfume. Now I only have another 1160 points to go.
On Shavuoth we decorate our homes and synagogues with fragrant greenery and flowers.
Happy Shavuoth!
Rosally
In an effort to find ultimate happiness and write a bestseller, I decided to write a book on how to achieve happiness. My working title was 500 Steps on the Path to Happiness. I asked over 50 people to give me a list of 10 things that they do that make them happy. I figured I’d get a few hundred, voila my book would be written and everyone would be happy. Literally.
Well, I got great response. People who never answer my emails were delighted to share what makes them happy. It made me feel… happy. But then there was a little glitch in my plans. Everyone’s responses fit neatly into 10 very basic categories of happiness-inducing behavior. There weren’t 500 things, there were really only ten. As my friends range in age over decades, work in various professions, affiliate differently religiously and live in many countries, they are an eclectic collection of unique individuals. Didn’t matter, same list. The same way there are ten universal laws of behavior (the Ten Commandments) and ten universal laws of linguistics (Chomsky, I believe) l‘havdil and various other lists of ten, there appears to be ten categories of happiness-inducing activities.
Okay, so now I would write a book entitled, The 10 Steps on the Road to Happiness. Catchy, no? So I tried to expound on the theme. I only got about 30 pages. I felt like I did in high school when we had to write one of those 3500-5000 word term papers for English Lit. I would sit there counting the ands, ifs ands or buts. Funny that I became a writer when I used to agonize over term papers. Then my computer crashed (see last issue of Rosality). Took all my documents with it into the black hole of cyberspace. I may have backed it up, but between you and me, it was like one of my term papers. But far be it from me to deprive the world of the secret to happiness even though I can’t make a million dollars from it.
So, I give you the 10 ingredients to happiness free because, after all, happiness is a free gift from God. To access it:
1)
Commune with God:
Having a relationship with God makes one feel at peace with the universe, protected, significant, real. It gives one harmony. Communing with God is easy and always accessible. Pray, say Tehillim, have a conversation with God or just marvel at His universe and count your blessings. Anytime we are intimately and actively aware of God’s presence, we automatically feel better about life.
2) Commune with nature:
Nature comes in all shapes, colors, textures, weather conditions and awe-inspiring panoramas. It’s as close as the rose bushes and trees on your street and as vast as the oceans, mountains and tundra. And it’s all beautiful! If you’re looking at pictures in National Geographic, walking your dog or mowing the lawn, you’re communing with nature. If you’re watching a snowfall, walking in the rain or riding a bike on a trail, you’re communing with nature and it’s wonderful!
3) Give or receive love:
Love is the critical ingredient in our lives. Rabbi Akivah tells us it’s the key to being Jewish and any psychologist will tell you it’s what makes life worth living. We all have access to giving and receiving love. In fact, giving love is receiving it. Whether it’s hugging a child, holding a baby, visiting a grandparent, shmoozing with a friend, smiling at a neighbor or playing with a hamster we have the ability to hug, cuddle, bond with anyone, anytime. Love doesn’t have to be only with a close family member or a soulmate. Love is all around if it’s in our hearts.
4) Help others:
When we help others we feel good. That’s because doing good feels good and because when we help others we can feel grateful for all we have to share. It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture like donating a hospital wing or working in a soup kitchen. It can be opening the door for someone, lending a friend a few dollars when they’re short, giving a tourist directions or helping a child with their homework. Sure do grand gestures of philanthropy if you can, but don’t let any opportunity of doing a small kindness pass you by. It’s an opportunity to feel really happy.
5) Stimulate your mind:
Our minds are wondrous things. We derive great satisfaction when we stimulate them by trying to solve a problem, learning something new, studying, doing a puzzle. We get great gratification from exercising our gray cells. Look how happy all those guys in yeshiva are when they’ve got a sugiyah they’re grappling with. They’re ecstastic!
6) Exercise or pamper your body:
Our bodies feel happy in two seemingly contradictory states; being stretched to the limit and being luxuriously pampered. Actually Jewish tradition seems to encourage both modes in sequence: Running around working like crazy getting ready for Shabbat followed by 25 hours of resting and feasting; Building a Sukkah for a week followed by a week of reposing in it: Cleaning the house for Pessach and then lying on some pillows drinking wine. Our bodies actually need both modes for happiness. So bend and stretch, then go for a massage.
7) Do something worthwhile:
We were put on earth to accomplish. Accomplishment has a very broad definition and everyone accomplishes in different areas, in different ways and to different degrees. A sense of accomplishment, whatever that means to you personally, provides happiness. So whether you’re writing a book or a note to the teacher, designing a building or affixing a shelf, anything that can be isolated and ticked off your “To Do” list is definitely something to celebrate as “Done”.
8) Do something creative:
One of the ways in which we were designed in the image of the Creator is that we are creators ourselves. We are all creative in one way or another and working in our areas of creativity brings us a deep sense of happiness and fulfillment. And when we share our creations with others, we make a contribution to others that increases our happiness exponentially. Each of us is or should be aware of where our talents lie. It’s in the area where we can spend hours of our time producing something in which we are blissfully unaware of how long it’s taking. Whether that’s writing, painting, sewing, cooking, baking, building, composing, …we were created to create. Enjoy the process.
9) Be inspired:
Being inspired helps us transcend the here and now and helps us enter the ephemeral and eternal. Some people are inspired by music, other by ideas. Some people like to read, others to listen. Learning, praying, communing with nature and creating are all forms of being inspired. A person can be inspired from a thought they hear or read. Whatever they end up doing with the ideas they’ve heard, the music they’ve listened to or the feelings that they connected with, inspiration in and of itself is pleasurable.
10) Motivate others:
Sometimes it’s easier to get others moving than ourselves. Also, once we get ourselves moving, we want company, we want to share our enthusiasm, we want to help others reach their potential. There are groups of people who make a profession of this. They’re called teachers, motivational speakers and counselors. Of course we don’t have to be those things to motivate someone. Cheering a friend on, giving a bit of support or encouragement can be enough to float someone’s dream off the ground. And when we do that, we’re on cloud nine.
Having a relationship with God makes one feel at peace with the universe, protected, significant, real. It gives one harmony. Communing with God is easy and always accessible. Pray, say Tehillim, have a conversation with God or just marvel at His universe and count your blessings. Anytime we are intimately and actively aware of God’s presence, we automatically feel better about life.
2) Commune with nature:
Nature comes in all shapes, colors, textures, weather conditions and awe-inspiring panoramas. It’s as close as the rose bushes and trees on your street and as vast as the oceans, mountains and tundra. And it’s all beautiful! If you’re looking at pictures in National Geographic, walking your dog or mowing the lawn, you’re communing with nature. If you’re watching a snowfall, walking in the rain or riding a bike on a trail, you’re communing with nature and it’s wonderful!
3) Give or receive love:
Love is the critical ingredient in our lives. Rabbi Akivah tells us it’s the key to being Jewish and any psychologist will tell you it’s what makes life worth living. We all have access to giving and receiving love. In fact, giving love is receiving it. Whether it’s hugging a child, holding a baby, visiting a grandparent, shmoozing with a friend, smiling at a neighbor or playing with a hamster we have the ability to hug, cuddle, bond with anyone, anytime. Love doesn’t have to be only with a close family member or a soulmate. Love is all around if it’s in our hearts.
4) Help others:
When we help others we feel good. That’s because doing good feels good and because when we help others we can feel grateful for all we have to share. It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture like donating a hospital wing or working in a soup kitchen. It can be opening the door for someone, lending a friend a few dollars when they’re short, giving a tourist directions or helping a child with their homework. Sure do grand gestures of philanthropy if you can, but don’t let any opportunity of doing a small kindness pass you by. It’s an opportunity to feel really happy.
5) Stimulate your mind:
Our minds are wondrous things. We derive great satisfaction when we stimulate them by trying to solve a problem, learning something new, studying, doing a puzzle. We get great gratification from exercising our gray cells. Look how happy all those guys in yeshiva are when they’ve got a sugiyah they’re grappling with. They’re ecstastic!
6) Exercise or pamper your body:
Our bodies feel happy in two seemingly contradictory states; being stretched to the limit and being luxuriously pampered. Actually Jewish tradition seems to encourage both modes in sequence: Running around working like crazy getting ready for Shabbat followed by 25 hours of resting and feasting; Building a Sukkah for a week followed by a week of reposing in it: Cleaning the house for Pessach and then lying on some pillows drinking wine. Our bodies actually need both modes for happiness. So bend and stretch, then go for a massage.
7) Do something worthwhile:
We were put on earth to accomplish. Accomplishment has a very broad definition and everyone accomplishes in different areas, in different ways and to different degrees. A sense of accomplishment, whatever that means to you personally, provides happiness. So whether you’re writing a book or a note to the teacher, designing a building or affixing a shelf, anything that can be isolated and ticked off your “To Do” list is definitely something to celebrate as “Done”.
8) Do something creative:
One of the ways in which we were designed in the image of the Creator is that we are creators ourselves. We are all creative in one way or another and working in our areas of creativity brings us a deep sense of happiness and fulfillment. And when we share our creations with others, we make a contribution to others that increases our happiness exponentially. Each of us is or should be aware of where our talents lie. It’s in the area where we can spend hours of our time producing something in which we are blissfully unaware of how long it’s taking. Whether that’s writing, painting, sewing, cooking, baking, building, composing, …we were created to create. Enjoy the process.
9) Be inspired:
Being inspired helps us transcend the here and now and helps us enter the ephemeral and eternal. Some people are inspired by music, other by ideas. Some people like to read, others to listen. Learning, praying, communing with nature and creating are all forms of being inspired. A person can be inspired from a thought they hear or read. Whatever they end up doing with the ideas they’ve heard, the music they’ve listened to or the feelings that they connected with, inspiration in and of itself is pleasurable.
10) Motivate others:
Sometimes it’s easier to get others moving than ourselves. Also, once we get ourselves moving, we want company, we want to share our enthusiasm, we want to help others reach their potential. There are groups of people who make a profession of this. They’re called teachers, motivational speakers and counselors. Of course we don’t have to be those things to motivate someone. Cheering a friend on, giving a bit of support or encouragement can be enough to float someone’s dream off the ground. And when we do that, we’re on cloud nine.
That’s it. Doing any one of the above ten things universally brings joy in its wake. Even thinking about doing those things makes us feel better. Admit it, you’re feeling happier, aren’t you? You’re starting to smile just from thinking about walking in the woods at sunset with someone you love singing The Colors of the Wind while eating your favorite chocolate which you bought from girls selling them to raise money for their school and reciting a chapter of Tehillim.
Now for a dramatic ending, I looked for a quote on happiness to sum up and wrap up this article neatly. All the quotes I found made one or the other of the points above. So enough said. I’ll just quote Bobby McFerrin: “Don’t worry be happy!”
Now pass it on…
A heartfelt thanks to all of you who contributed to this article! You made me very happy.
Wishing everyone a good summer! All the best,
Rosally
March 2007
A Fresh Start
By
Rosally Saltsman
In the Mishnah, there are stories about the possessions of religious people becoming imbued with holiness and beginning to act in accordance with a certain degree of spirituality; Stories of donkeys who refused to work on Shabbos, horses that wouldn’t eat food that wasn’t tithed and in my case, lehavdil, a computer that decides to clean itself before Passover. However, like most people cleaning for Pessach, it didn’t stop at chametz and wiped itself clean of my documents. Everything was wiped out. I do have hard copies of most of my writing but still…
As distressing as this was, it was also, surprisingly, liberating. My computer, although home to many important documents, was also crowded with documents that were non-essential and have been taking up memory on my hard disk. The erasure of my documents was like getting rid of excess baggage. It’s a chance to start again.
Pessach is a lot like that. I get very emotional every year when we burn the chametz. Though I’ll admit part of it is likely due to the overwhelming sense of relief after two months of preparing, cleaning, worrying, procrastinating and getting things done, part of it is no doubt a feeling of starting with a clean slate. Passover is the one time a year I thoroughly clean my house and try and rid myself of as much clutter as possible. As chametz is a metaphor for sin and the yetzer harah (evil inclination) and unwanted layers of impurity on our souls (much like the layers of dust on our sofas), Passover gives us the opportunity to clean house in every sense of the word. It’s very difficult to get rid of old stuff, whether it’s physical, material, spiritual or emotional and sometimes we need some cataclysmic event to put events behind us, let go of negative behaviors and habits and polish ourselves until we shine. True it’s easier to delete unwanted data from our computers (even when we don’t want to) than our hearts and minds but we can delete grudges and hurt, bad habits and transgressions, misunderstandings and superficial things cluttering up our brains and lives and hearts and closets if we try with as much enthusiasm as we clean for Pessach. Most of us would rather not be forced to start over by losing possessions, relationships, documents, status – all of which can be taken from us at any time. But on Erev Pessach, in the morning when we throw our last bits of bread into the fire, we can metaphorically throw in some other undesirable elements as well and go back to our clean homes, with a clean slate.
Pessach Kasher VeSameach! And a happy and flourishing Spring!
Rosally
Time and Time Again
By
Rosally Saltsman
The women's section of my synagogue has a new clock. I'm not sure what for as we all wear watches and the service follows the same timetable give or take 10 minutes so we can know the time just from where we are in the service. But there's something different about this clock. Unlike the start-stop, tick-tock of most clocks, the second hand flows around the face of the clock in a liquid motion. It seemed a bit fast to me so I checked it against my watch and it was exactly the same. It was the first time I'd ever seen a clock run without its characteristic split second stop/start.
I was born premature. Two months premature and ever since then I've been in a rush. A comment I often hear is "You're always running." I make attempts to slow down, but there's never enough time. It's an oft-mentioned paradox of our time that the more timesaving devices we have, the more rushed we are.
Through Emily, a character in Our Town, a play about a small American Town at the beginning of the 20th century, Thornton Wilder comments, "It goes too fast, and people don't have time to look at one another." If it was true then, when life was relatively slow paced, imagine what he would say today.
The Hebrew month of Adar that we are now entering is a month when it's a special mitzvah to be happy. People do strive to be happy but run around (me included) and have little time to catch our breath. While accomplishment is important and using our time wisely, vital, we have yet to strike a healthy balance between keeping up with our lives and winding down to recharge our batteries; To actually experience our life passing and not racing to keep up with it.
People hardly sleep, ask an average teenager how many hours of sleep they get a night; We move with a manic pace and not only do we not take the time to smell the roses, but we see them as a blur as we run by. Well, actually there are rose bushes in front of my house so I actually do take time to smell them and it's very nice. We all know that as time goes by, it speeds up simply because a year is a lesser percentage of our lives with each passing year. But we ourselves can steady our pace. We don't have to wait until we're old and our body slows down to actually slow down.
Like the clock in my shul, the seconds stream by. We have to make the most of them, enjoy them while not rushing them away. We have to have time to look at actually look at one another and maybe exchange a word and a smile. To find the meaning in each second, we have to pause for thought.
Part of happiness is living the moment. May we live every moment to its fullest realization of accomplishment and pleasure.
Gotta Run!
Wishing everyone a Happy Adar, a Happy Purim and a happy life!
All the best,
Rosally
January 2007
In Search of Proximity
By
Rosally Saltsman
Six Degrees of Separation is the name of a theory that anyone on the planet has a direct connection to every other person on the planet through a chain of no more than five intermediaries. The theory was first proposed in 1929 by the Hungarian writer Frigyes Karinthy and has been tested (and proven) as recently as 2001.
This brings me to an interesting story. I recently wrote an article about my favorite movie and how its message is intrinsically Jewish. The article was posted on a Jewish website and I was pleased with the feedback the article received. But what was totally remarkable and very exciting was that one of the people who responded positively to the article was a woman who was a child actress in the movie. (The movie was, It's a Wonderful Life and if you see only one film in your life, this is the one to see). I responded to her kind feedback and had suddenly forged a direct connection to something that was very close to my heart but I had no previous direct access to.
In my journalistic career, I have discovered that I can speak to almost anyone if I say I want to interview them. If I can't reach them, I can always reach someone at one degree of separation. Basically, what this theory offers us in practice, is the possibility to speak to almost anyone in the world we want to. I have been extremely privileged to meet and even befriend some very unique and incredible people by having taken advantage of this law of physics.
In Pirkei Avot, it tells us that one of the ways to acquire Torah is to serve Torah scholars. In other words, by putting ourselves in proximity to the Masters of knowledge, we gain knowledge. More recently, lehavdil, life coaches have been encouraging us to seek out mentors in our fields to help us reach the goals that we set for ourselves. The types of mentors we seek out and the people we try to befriend says a lot about what kind of people we are and what kind of people we aspire to be. Of course, we aren't limited in our fields of aspiration but we are restricted by the time and energy we can pursue inspirationally rewarding relationships.
Through the Internet we can contact virtually everyone (pun intended). The world is at our fingertips and through "word of mouse" (got that from Vic Johnson), we can access the great minds, expansive hearts, incredible talents and spiritual giants of the earth. The choice remains ours, whose influence we seek out and which visionaries we link our visions to.
I'll admit it's a bit daunting, the prospect of approaching people we admire, respect, revere, even idolize, even with a press card (which I don't actually have). According to motivational speaker Jim Rohn, "You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with." Can we afford not to spend time seeking out the people whose greatness can rub off on us a little bit? After all, we're only six steps away.
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All the best,
Rosally