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CONTENTS AT A GLANCE
PART ONE: THE THREE CRITICAL
LEVELS OF RELATING AND ATTRACTION; AND OF HOW TO SELECT, LOSE AND KEEP A MATE
PART TWO: HOW G-D CREATED
THE PART OF YOU THAT LOVES - REAL RELATING COMES FROM THE HEART
PART THREE: BEAUTY IS IN
THE HEART - NOT THE EYES - OF THE BEHOLDER
PART FOUR: THE THREE LEVELS
OF DRIVING FORCE IN HUMAN BEHAVIOR
PART FIVE: ASSIMILATE TRUE
LOVE INTO YOUR HEART
PART SIX: CONCRETE LIVING OF
MARRIAGE FROM THE HEART IS FUNDAMENTAL
PART SEVEN: PRACTICAL
APPLICATION TO LOVE BETWEEN A REAL HUSBAND AND WIFE
PART EIGHT: THE THREE
FACETS OF INTERPERSONAL PERCEPTION AND HOW THEY PERTAIN TO YOUR MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP
PART NINE: FROM THE HEART -
THE "LOVE ANSWER" FOR SUCCESSFUL LIFELONG MARRIAGE
PART TEN: THE REST OF THE
"LOVE ANSWER"
------------------------
PART ONE: THE THREE CRITICAL
LEVELS OF RELATING AND ATTRACTION; AND OF HOW TO SELECT, LOSE AND KEEP A MATE
The Torah teaches the dynamics in human
nature for developing genuine love and how lasting love is to be crafted when the Torah
commands us to love G-d. "You will LOVE the L-rd your G-d with all your LAIV, with
all your NEFESH, and with all your MI'ODE (Deuteronomy 6:5)." There are three levels
created within a person for producing any love (whether for G-d or for a human): 1. laiv,
2. nefesh and 3. mi'ode.
The difference between love for G-d and
love for a fellow human is not our purpose here, so suffice it to say that the differences
are basically in the delivery and impact of love [we will explain this difference in
section seven]. The practice of love in a relationship between two human beings develops
from mutual 2-way loving, such that the love is delivered so as to bring consistent
benefit for each recipient. By each bestowing ongoing good that pleases the other, each
develops lasting and growing love. But, since mechanics of human nature are involved, and
since we can be subjectively attracted (so that we give or withhold love somewhat based on
how we feel at different times) we must know the "system." Otherwise, true and
mutual love may never come, or it may not remain.
The laiv is the heart, the deepest essence
level, your definition and center as a human being. Here are character, qualities,
motives, attitudes, decision-making, and capacities for subjectivity or objectivity.
Nefesh is "personality;"
containing one's talents, skills, abilities, energies, unique cluster of emotions and
sensitivities (and the way the individual expresses them), and expression of intellect
(the mental function called "seichel"). The nefesh contains those powers that
enable one to uniquely act in this physical world, providing the link between the outer
world and the inner essence in the heart. The purest and most "golden" heart
itself has no active manifestation and can be abstracted. Since the heart is the most
internal element, it bestows its value by externalization and expression through your
individual nefesh/personality to the outside world. One expresses and conveys what is in
the heart with what one says and does and with how, e.g. with liveliness or dullness,
humor or seriousness, and all traits across the entire spectrum of emotions, talents,
self-expression and personality.
Mi'ode is "externals". It
consists of tangible objects, external to the person himself, such as one's wealth and
possessions, as well as looks, and intangible externals such as your family or your status
in society, all of which have nothing to do with you as a person.
The Torah is telling us, in our context,
that development of true love MUST accord with these three components AND they must
specifically come in this order: 1. laiv, 2. nefesh and 3. mi'ode. Their appeal and value
to you must be in this specific order for genuine and lasting love to come in one human
being for another.
In relationships, EACH LEVEL HAS TO PROCEED
TO THE NEXT, AND BUILD IN BOTH CHRONOLOGICAL AND PRIORITY ORDER. One of the most
destructive mistakes is expecting love to come from any other order or combination of
these three elements. If one's heart responds to nefesh (e.g. talent or sense of humor) or
mi'ode (e.g. looks or wealth), such a person is not responding to the inner person - the
heart of the other, and is probably not altogether in touch with his/her own heart. A
person relates to as deep a level in the other as one relates to in oneself. If one
doesn't know how to relate to one's own heart, how can he know what it is to relate to
another person's heart? How can you relate in terms that you know nothing about? How can
one connect to a level in someone else that (s)he isn't in contact with or isn't aware of
in him/herself? This can indicate need to work on oneself to develop more spiritual and
emotional connection and sensitivity. To the extent that one doesn't have any of these in
the heart, or lacks contact with his heart and foundation in it, he can't perceive, value,
be attracted to or pursue these. There is no internal frame of reference in his mind. He
may intellectualize about them, but they are not operative on a "gut level," in
the heart, where behavior truly stems from. He will be attracted and motivated based on
his inner reality - what it is and what it isn't. People have psychological
"antennae" that select people for relationships who are either like their inner
self and/or whose characteristics feed into the needs of one's inner self.
Let's have a simple example of love in the
correct order and combination. Reuven deeply adores his wife Rachel. He has true love (in
his laiv, heart). He is a talented poet (nefesh, individual personality) and composes a
beautiful love poem. He writes the poem with a pen on a piece of paper (mi'ode, external
resources) and when he presents the paper with his poem to her, it pleases her down to her
heart. They have exchanged love heart-to-heart. Their essence bond to each other is on the
heart-to-heart level (laiv), they express their heartfelt love through their unique
individual personalities and talents (nefesh) and, last, use externals (mi'ode) as means
(and never as ends) for provision of love. They both recognize, value and prioritize the
level of the heart. Because they have pure qualities of the heart, they have a true and
successful love bond with each other.
The actual picture that one paints, the
meal that one cooks, the gift that one brings, dressing in attractive clothes or any
tangible manifestation is the mi'ode - physical possessions, outside of the laiv-essence
and the nefesh-personality. Mi'ode is external expression of love only when it starts in
the essence in the heart, is expressed through individual nefesh and ends up LAST as a
worldly conveyance of love.
This process can be observed in the level
associated with what each person recognizes, values, prioritizes, praises or devotes time
to. In relationships, this laiv-nefesh-mi'ode dynamic shows up in numerous aspects; such
as: * how and to whom one is attracted; * one's primary mode of giving to a partner; *
what one values, appreciates, recognizes, prioritizes, emphasizes and pursues in a
partner. For Rachel and Reuven, the essence is always at the level of * heart in EACH of
them, and * heart-to-heart in the BOND BETWEEN them.
The successful building of a relationship
depends on its being based on 1. laiv (heart: midos, virtues, human qualities, character),
then 2. nefesh (personality: talents, energies, emotions), and last 3. mi'ode (externals,
status, possessions) as explained in the previous installment. Each level builds on the
former. The three levels build in chronological and priority order.
It all must start with the deepest level,
heart in each partner; with a heart-to-heart bond between the partners; this three-part
structure is the basis for a fulfilling, peaceful and enduring relationship; as well as
for the unconditional love described by Pirkei Avos (chapter five) which never ends. A
relationship based at the mi'ode level is conditional and, therefore, tenuous. If you take
away the object of the relationship (e.g. wealth, looks, yeechuss), the relationship
disintegrates. It is dependent upon an object, which has nothing to do with the intrinsic
person (and, therefore, relator). When that external or physical factor is taken away, the
relationship ceases. That upon which the love depended is gone, and the love is gone.
Unless you start with a pure, developed heart uniting with another pure, developed heart,
and have an essentially heart-to-heart orientation, there is no foundation and you are in
for disaster. This is, in a "nutshell," where much of marriage trouble, singles
difficulties and cause of divorce comes from.
Pursuing things of the nefesh is more
subtle than the blunter mistake of pursuing things of the mi'ode. This is because the
nefesh still is in the person so it can appear that you are appreciating or being
attracted to something intrinsic to the person. This is still a mistake. It's just more
subtle. Nefesh is closer than mi'ode to the heart, so it is easier to confuse with laiv.
Nefesh is an outer expression of what one is, at the essence, in the heart. It can be seen
as talent, business skill, education or sense of humor. The nefesh doesn't necessarily
have application to the vicissitudes of daily life. A brilliant, personable or talented
individual can be cruel, selfish, irresponsible, impatient, arrogant, rude, spoiled or
explosive. Nefesh is closer than mi'ode to the laiv, so nefesh is easier to confuse with
laiv. It's not as superficial. But, the essence must always be laiv, and ONLY LAIV, which
is where the deepest root and identity of the person is. A person who is healthy,
integrated and complete will relate from the laiv to the laiv, and be attracted to another
person who relates to and from the laiv. To the extent that there is interference,
blockage or impurity, the relating process is deficient and breaks down. The person's
behavior discloses personality, midos or psychological problems; based on where there are
deviations from laiv-nefesh-mi'ode living.
When I do private counseling, or when I
speak or do workshops for audiences, people sometimes object saying that looks, a
"mi'ode factor," is vital in choosing or valuing a mate. I point out that the
Talmud addresses this, and the precise approach in the Talmud is significant. While taking
looks and attraction seriously, the Talmud does not hinge marriage or partner-selection on
looks.
Tractate Kidushin (41a) tells us that it is
mandatory to see a prospect before marrying. Right away the Talmud makes clear that
attraction is a significant issue. If you haven't approved of the person IN ADVANCE, it is
FORBIDDEN to marry. That's fair enough. But, a person is obligated to see a prospect
before marrying, the Talmud explains, because maybe he will see something unappealing
which will prevent fulfillment of the Torah commandment to love every other Jew as he
loves himself. Since it is obligatory to love your spouse as much as you love yourself,
you MUST see a person before marrying to know that there will be nothing unattractive that
will stop you from steadily loving your spouse as much as you love yourself.
The Talmud's orientation, then, is that
there be nothing repulsive or unattractive THAT WOULD BLOCK LOVE. The person only has to
be "not unattractive." The Talmud DOES NOT SAY THAT YOUR MATE MUST BE GORGEOUS.
Such would be irrelevant, if not destructive, to authentic marriage. The person has to be
attractive enough that you can develop a loving, workable and lasting relationship. The
person DOES NOT have to be so attractive that your demand for attractiveness constitutes
an obstacle to getting or staying married. The person DOES have to have a good heart so as
to be able to build a permanent relationship. And you have to have a good AND developed
heart enough to see the heart-qualities in another person FIRST AND FOREMOST in judging or
selecting "candidates."
The value of "mi'ode" in
relationships is essentially in the imagination. The main thing is that the person be
someone whom you can have a REAL relationship with and love as much as you love yourself.
And this is a heart to heart, not a "mi'ode-external," issue. Approaching
relationship with a "mi'ode external" orientation means you basically want to be
a statistic waiting to happen, not a genuine "marriageable entity" who is
prepared to be half of a couple, happily married for a lifetime, by operating effectively
with a laiv foundation, expressed through nefesh and enhanced with mi'ode.
If a person works on his or her laiv;
particularly on midos, kindness and human virtues; one will increasingly come to know
one's laiv and grow more connected and attuned to it. The more one knows and is connected
to the laiv: the more one relates to laiv in another, the more one sees the laiv (or
absence of it) in others, and the more one values and feels the laiv, the more one governs
and judges behavior by the qualities of the laiv, and the more one has the benefits of
full lifelong goodheartedness as the foundation of his/her relationship. All relationships
in general, and a marriage in particular, will grow, deepen and sweeten in direct
proportion with the extent to which it is an unconditional laiv-to-laiv relationship in
which both partners recognize, appreciate and give the heart. This is key to selecting,
cherishing and keeping a mate.
PART TWO: HOW G-D CREATED THE
PART OF YOU THAT LOVES - REAL RELATING COMES FROM THE HEART
The first level from which a person's
behavior, values, attitudes and thoughts come from is the heart - the innermost, deepest
and most fundamental part of any person. In the heart are the most basic elements and
character of the human being - the foundation of what one's life is.
The first issue in how you relate to any
other person is the way that you relate to yourself. This is ALWAYS AND ABSOLUTELY the
foundation on which your relating abilities and "track record" stand. This is an
extension of the way your inner-self is developed, "programmed" or
"wired."
Every human being has an inner composition,
on a variety of levels. Within this inner composition are: 1. elements that are naturally
inborn, and 2. elements that are conditioned by one's background, upbringing, education
and experience.
The Torah teaches (Rambam, Hilchos Dayos)
that people are born with inclinations, with some people having more or less of various
inclinations (e.g. to be angry, gentle, sensitive, impatient, etc.) and with everyone
obligated to maintain uniform, satisfactory standards in all forms of behavior. Those with
natural dispositions towards destructive, cruel, evil things have a harder job (with no
exemption or license to violate the Torah because of negative tendencies) and a major part
of that person's life work is to: 1. fight and overcome forbidden negative inclinations,
emotions and behaviors (including: never allowing them to come to sinful/destructive
manifestation), 2. constructively channel that which is in his/her nature (e.g. the
classic example is: someone with a thirst for blood should be a butcher, surgeon or mohel
[one ordained to perform ritual circumcision] to do exclusive good with these
inclinations, as much as is humanly possible), and 3. build, develop, cultivate, actualize
and manifest all good characteristics to do as much good during the course of a lifetime
as possible for Jewry, Torah and G-d.
The person with the kinder, gentler, more
ethical and controlled disposition has obligation to: 1. cultivate, actualize and manifest
these positive inclinations to optimum potential, 2. do all the good for Jewry, Torah and
service of G-d that's humanly possible in one lifetime, and 3. build, develop, cultivate,
actualize and manifest all good characteristics (including those besides the ones which
come naturally).
EVERY JEW'S PERSONALITY MUST BE FULL
(SHALAIM), ROUNDED AND BALANCED.
The way one approaches all aspects of life
is an extension of the spiritual, emotional and personality conditions within.
Accordingly, relationships, an aspect of life, are an extension of all the inborn and
learned inner elements.
In most people, there are a variety of
inner elements, containing some that are better, some that are worse; of some there are
more, of some there are less. People choose and conduct relationships to fit the mold of
their inner conditions and needs. This is central to: 1. understanding, and 2. determining
relationship behavior in general, and
marriage behavior in particular.
One of the things that pains me the most in
my work, is: 1. when I present the material in this site to audiences, 2. a crowd of
people enthusiastically hovers around me after the presentation and tells me how
fascinating this is and how much it could change their lives, and they see how effective
this can be to massively improve marriages, and then 3. they all forget about it, go back
to the same patterns; keep provoking the same situations as they did before; and keep
grumbling about mediocrity, dissatisfaction and problems.
I hope you'll take all of this subject to
heart; apply it to your personal situation; work on it steadily; and achieve practical,
gainful results. The material in this site can be quite meaningfully effective. It is the
result of seventeen years of research (in Torah and secular psychology), practical
personal counseling to individuals and couples, public speaking (including addressing
people's practical personal questions and problems during or after presentations),
facilitating relationship and personal-development workshops, moderating support groups,
matchmaking (in which I see people's relationship shortcomings and blockages),
co-consulting with rabbis and therapists, interviewing successful and unsuccessful
marriage "veterans," and dealing with relationship-related matters from the
standpoint of the Torah (theological values or Jewish law issues that the matters
involved).
"Progress" does not have to mean
that you have to radically turn everything around overnight. The single most important
measure of progress is steady improvement, even if it is gradual. "Steadiness"
is the main measure of personal improvement, not "massiveness". Real and lasting
human growth takes time ("easy come, easy go). If you've been doing something a
certain way for years or all your life, it may take a while to: 1. unlearn and let go of
what your inner-life knows and does, become aware of and let go of emotions and behavior
patterns that don't help or work, 2. assimilate new material in a real way, 3. train and
recondition yourself with new and better habits and behavior patterns, and 4. apply the
new material consistently in practical "real life" situations.
If, for example's sake, on the first of
each successive month, you can steadily track improvement in one or more personal growth,
midos, emotion, or behavior-change projects, this is progress. You're doing the job!
True and lasting love can only be built
through actions that give good to the one for whom you are building love.
The next natural question is: how does the
part of you within yourself that produces love work? The Torah tells us. The observant Jew
says the verse (Deuteronomy 6:5) which discloses this, every morning and evening as part
of the order of prayer, in the "Shma Yisroel" (which is composed of three
paragraphs of the Torah). To extract the lesson, we must do some study.
"You will LOVE the L-rd your G-d with
all your LAIV, with all your NEFESH, and with all your MI'ODE."
When G-d commands us to love Him, He is
going to tell us how to "love" in first-class, "grade A" fashion! He
doesn't want only half the job! He won't settle for less than top-notch love!
To responsibly and effectively tell us to
love, He tells us HOW He created the part of the human being from which TRUE LOVE comes -
in order to enable us mortal creations to love Him in accordance with G-d's intentions,
principles and standards! We have to know how to do something the "Torah way"
when the Torah commands us to do it!
Accordingly, this verse tells us how G-d
created the mechanism in human nature to love, so that we may employ that mechanism to
"do it right." Again, this is the means for producing first class, "grade
A" love! This is regardless of whether we are PRODUCING love for G-d or PRODUCING
love for another human being. The mechanism within for producing love is the same.
The DELIVERING of love for G-d is different
than the DELIVERING of love for a human being (about which, more later). The basic
mechanism for inaugurating or producing top-notch love within yourself is the same, and
that mechanism is what we are going to obtain from this verse. The verse tells us that G-d
created love to come from three levels. We must ask, what the: 1. laiv, 2. nefesh, and 3.
mi'ode are?
Further, we must ask: 4. Why, specifically
does the Torah record them in this order (which is vital and significant)? And: 5. Since
this verse teaches production of love in a context of loving G-d, how do we apply what we
learn to love of another human being in general, and your spouse in particular?
To produce love that is of consequence,
substance and endurance, it has to be produced WITHIN the loving person by the SPECIFIC
CHRONOLOGICAL and PRIORITY ORDER of this Torah verse: first the laiv, second the nefesh,
and last the mi'ode.
And, for real love in a relationship
between human beings to take hold, to develop and to endure, it must connect BETWEEN the
two people in the relationship by the SPECIFIC CHRONOLOGICAL and PRIORITY ORDER of: first
the laiv, second the nefesh, and last the mi'ode.
Let's start by defining the Torah's terms,
laiv, nefesh and mi'ode.
Laiv translates "heart." The
heart is the deepest essence of the human being. It is the home of your character and
human qualities (midos), your attitudes and outlooks (hashkafa), subjectivity and biases
(negios and p'ni'os), decision-making (bechira), motivations and self-interest
(hisinanus), priorities and values (kedimos). This is where the most deep-seated
characterization and definition of who you are as a human being "lives" and is
located.
In your heart is your most genuine,
fundamental and intrinsic self. It is the heart that G-d wants and requires most
(Sanhedrin 106b). When you give the heart, you give everything, you give what counts. To
love truly, the laiv must be pure so that it may be whole. Only a whole heart can be whole
in the love of another. To the extent that there is impurity, incompleteness, ego or
selfishness, the capacity to truly love any entity outside of self is tainted, diminished
and damaged. When I describe work on midos as the essential (based on Evven Shlaima, by
the Vilna Gaon, cited earlier), it is because midos "make or break" what is
truly in your heart which, in turn, defines who you truly are and are not as a human
being, and, consequently, as a relator.
Rabbi Dessler (Michtav Me'Eliyahu, vol. 2)
describes the heart in profound mystical/ethical terms. The Jewish heart is created so as
to naturally have a "holy spark." When the heart is infiltrated with sin or
spiritual filth, the holy spark in the heart falls into the spiritual filth, and this
causes formation of an "iron wall" between the heart and the sense of self in
the person. The holy spark is there to light the soul ["light" is symbolic of
"Torah"]. Once the iron wall in the heart is formed, the holy spark is closed
off from the heart and no longer is it able to light the soul. Once this happens, a
person's spiritual life is near to being lost. If one does not at least feel pain at this
condition, his spiritual life is virtually destroyed. However, if one can muster some
sorrow, regret and motivation, he can take down the iron wall (so that his sense of self
is sanctified by union with the holy spark), he can rebuild the spiritual qualities of the
heart, he can light up his soul, and he can restore his spiritual life, which can go on in
his eternal life and in offspring or disciples for generations to come!
Nefesh I translate as
"personality." This contains one's talents, skills, abilities, energies, unique
cluster of emotions and sensitivities (and the way the individual expresses them), and the
unique way the individual can utilize intellect (the mental function called
"seichel"). The nefesh contains those powers that enable one, as a unique
life-force, to act in this physical world.
The nefesh provides the link between the
outer world and the inner essence in the heart. The heart alone and the outer world do not
have access to one another. The heart by itself does not have manifestation in the outside
world. The purest and most "golden" heart can be abstracted from the outside
world. Since the heart is the deepest, most internal element, it bestows its value to the
world by externalization and expression through your individual nefesh/personality, from
your heart to the outside world.
Through the nefesh one conveys and
externalizes what is in the heart with what one says and does and the way in which one
says or does it. For example, one can express himself with warmth or harshness, liveliness
or dullness, humor or seriousness and all traits across the entire spectrum of emotions,
talents and personality traits.
When the nefesh level is at work, one may
paint a picture, buy a cute or touching gift, or cook a lovely meal, expressing essence
love in the heart through individual kochos hanefesh, personality powers and abilities.
Mi'ode I translate as
"externals". It consists of tangible objects external to the person himself,
such as one's wealth and possessions, as well your looks and intangible externals such as
your esteemed family or your status in society, all of which have nothing to do with you
as an intrinsic person.
EACH LEVEL HAS TO BUILD UPON THE NEXT, IN
BOTH CHRONOLOGICAL AND PRIORITY ORDER. One of the most massive and destructive mistakes is
expecting love to come from any other order or combination of these three elements. If
one's heart responds to nefesh or mi'ode, such a person is not responding to the inner
person - the heart of the other. Such a person is probably not in touch with his/her own
heart likewise.
PART THREE: BEAUTY IS IN
THE HEART - NOT THE EYES - OF THE BEHOLDER
A person relates to as deep a level in the
other person as one relates to in oneself. If one doesn't know how to relate to one's own
heart, how can he know what it is to relate to another person's heart? How can you relate
in terms that you know nothing about? How can one connect to a level in someone else that
(s)he isn't in contact with or isn't aware of in him/herself? This can indicate need to
work on oneself to develop more spiritual and emotional connection and sensitivity. Torah
study in personality traits (midos) and character development (mussar) will help. In some
cases there can be severe emotional disorders that require professional help (it is, of
course, a case by case issue; and it depends on how disruptive to normal functioning the
problem is, how deep and recurrent the issue is, and whether it causes bother or damage to
any person - oneself or any other).
Let's have a simple example of love in the
correct order and combination. Reuven deeply adores his wife Rachel. He has true love (in
his laiv, heart). He is a talented poet (nefesh, individual personality) and composes a
beautiful love poem. He writes the poem on a piece of paper (mi'ode, external resource)
and when he presents the paper with his poem to her, it pleases her down to her heart.
They have exchanged love heart-to-heart. Their essence bond to each other is on the
heart-to-heart level (laiv), they express their heartfelt love through their unique
individual personalities and talents (nefesh) and, last, use externals (mi'ode) as means
(and never as ends) for provision of love. They both recognize, value and prioritize the
level of the heart. Because they have pure qualities of the heart, they have a true and
successful love bond with each other.
The actual picture that one paints, the
meal that one cooks, the gift that one brings, dressing in attractive clothes or any
tangible manifestation is the mi'ode - physical possession, outside of the physical
essence and the personality. It is external expression of love when it starts in the
essence in the heart, is expressed through individual nefesh and ends up LAST as a worldly
conveyance of love.
This process can be observed in the level
associated with what each person recognizes, values, prioritizes, praises or devotes time
to. In relationships, this laiv-nefesh-mi'ode dynamic shows up in numerous aspects; such
as:
* whether one is attracted based on the
laiv, nefesh or mi'ode
* one's primary mode of giving to a partner
* what one values, appreciates and pursues
in a partner.
For Rachel and Reuven, the essence is
always at the level of
* heart in each of them, and
* heart-to-heart in the bond between them.
This is the basis for a fulfilling,
peaceful and enduring relationship; as well as for the unconditional love described by
Pirkei Avos (chapter five) which never ends. A relationship based at the mi'ode level is
conditional and, therefore, tenuous. If you take away the object of the relationship, the
relationship disintegrates. It is dependent upon an object. When that external factor is
taken away, the relationship ceases. That upon which the love depended is gone, and the
love is gone.
When what you recognize, value, prioritize,
praise or emphasize is other than the heart, you are in for disaster, "missing the
boat." Without a pure, developed heart uniting with another, and without an
essentially heart-to-heart orientation, there is no foundation.
This is where much of marriage trouble and
cause of divorce comes from.
Pursuing things of the nefesh is more
subtle than the blunter mistake of pursuing things of the mi'ode. This is because the
nefesh still is in the person so it can appear that you are appreciating or being
attracted to something intrinsic to the person. This is still a mistake. It's just more
subtle. Nefesh is closer than mi'ode to the heart, so it is easier to confuse with laiv.
Nefesh is an outer expression of what one is at the essence in the heart. It can be seen
as talent, business skill, education or sense of humor. The nefesh doesn't necessarily
have application to the vicissitudes of daily life. Nefesh is closer than mi'ode to the
laiv, so nefesh is easier to confuse with laiv. It's not as superficial. But, the essence
is always laiv, and ONLY LAIV, which is where the deepest root and identity of the person
is. A person who is healthy, integrated and complete will relate from the laiv to the
laiv, and be attracted to another person who relates to and from the laiv. To the extent
that there is interference, blockage or impurity, the relating process is deficient and
breaks down. The behavior discloses personality, midos or psychological problems; based on
where there are deviations from this model.
Another way I refer to laiv and nefesh, if
an audience gets confused on this subtle point, is:
* laiv = inner internal
* nefesh = outer internal.
Then I explain that the "inner
internal" is the level at which the foundation lies for that stable, lasting, true
love. The heart is the innermost depth. The nefesh is just under the surface to provide a
mechanism for externalizing and expressing what is in the heart, with a unique, individual
personality. The "outer internal" is no longer that essential, intrinsic person.
Then I can proceed with a couple of
concrete examples.
If a girl starts jumping and screaming over
a rock 'n roll musician, she is being thrilled by his nefesh. If she marvels over an
artist's paintings, if she is awed by a guy's prowess as a lawyer or a businessman, she's
responding to his nefesh. There is nothing to say that he has the fineness, cultivation,
qualities, values, sensitivities, maturity or character that make a person fit to be a
spouse or parent. In a word, he may have no "heart." He might be talented or
capable in art, science, music or business. But, in human terms, he might be a two-legged
animal.
A woman might be lively, interesting or
funny. But with her husband she may turn out to be an unstable, vicious, rude, arrogant,
rigid, maladjusted shrew (I've seen such cases many times in my practical counseling and
matchmaking experience - charming men or women who are as neurotic and dysfunctional in
"private life" as they are personable). Personality does not necessarily equip
one for marriage. The nefesh abilities may cease to exist or have no application to the
vicissitudes of daily life. From my practical counseling, workshop and matchmaking
experience, I have repeatedly seen that men or women who are lively and fun are often the
most dysfunctional and unsuccessful in close personal relationships.
Till we know about his (or her) heart, we
don't know about that which matters most. I've seen many talented, personable people (of
either gender) who, when it came to close, serious relationships, were destructive brutes
who were cruel, selfish, closed-up, nasty, explosive, punitive, unstable, unmanageable,
negligent, rejecting, controlling, steamrolling, irresponsible, confused and/or sadistic.
But to the masses on the street, these people are "so charming." Their
personality, absent of a full dose of laiv, is worthless.
I know of a brilliant violin player. He
made records and was even featured in a scene in a movie. The public considered him a
genious. Let's call him George. Whenever he got angry, or was in the mood to be a
"wise guy," he would literally crunch a violin over someone's head. With no
hesitation - and thinking himself too cute for words - he though nothing of breaking
violin after violin over people's heads. If George broke even a priceless Stradevarius
violin over your head, it's no longer an antique or instrument of art. It is a
"weapon of destruction"...like "personality" detached from laiv is.
George is not a musical genius. He is an animal.
The worst and most tenuous basis for a
relationship is mi'ode. It is the most conditional and, as Pirkei Avos (chapter five)
tells us, when a love is conditional - when you take away the condition, you take away the
love. I beg people not to relate on the basis of externals: money, possessions, esteemed
family, spouse who has "made it" in the eyes of society, looks (except for what
is needed so that spouses are not unattractive to each other), etc. When the love is
dependent upon an external factor, and when that external factor has disappeared, then
you've taken away that upon which the love depended, so the love also disappears.
Such relationships are with the external
thing, not with the actual person. As such, it cannot last. By definition, it is subject
to deterioration and possibly even viciousness. When relating to (an) external(s), it is
self-indulgence, not love. It is taking the gratification that the external or the
condition in the other person gives to you. Further, from my practical work experience, I
have seen that, very often, people whose focus is on externals and the material not only
have relationships damaged by their material and superficial values and priorities. They
also spend an inordinate amount of their time and energy on worldly pursuits, leaving far
too little time, energy and concern for the serious work required by a serious
relationship. This becomes increasingly true after the initial "fresh" and
romantic stage (when the relationship is still forming and tender). Once it "settles
in" and develops to the point at which it can be taken for granted, a relationship
which is built on external and materialistic premises, typically degenerates, in human and
laiv terms, and, consequently, becomes a painful pack of unanticipated trouble and
disappointment.
Things of this world cannot last. Hashem
built the physical world so that everything about it eventually dies, decays and
disappears. This is indicated by the Hebrew word "taiVeL" (universe) having a
common root [bais, lamed] with the word "bal" (to decay, to not exist). Although
the Torah never needs support from secular sources, any physicist will tell that all
physical matter is subject to the process of "entropy," ongoing decay and
deterioration. To base love, attraction or relationship on external, physical is to
subject it to predictable temporariness and to rule by the basest, most animal instincts
in a person. Just about every rule about what a relationship should be and how it should
be conducted will eventually be broken. The reverse of just about everything that should
be will come about.
Only the spiritual lasts. By design and
definition, it transcends and outlasts physical limitation and nature. The ticket to the
spiritual is exclusively in the heart. The key to a lasting relationship, therefore, is a
good heart. This is supported by the sixth chapter in Pirkei Avos. There are 48 things
through which Torah is acquired. Torah is pure spiritual. One of those items is a good
heart.
This true story is the best illustration I
know.
Mr. Bernstein, a fabulously wealthy man,
went into a yeshiva and asked to speak to the Rosh HaYeshiva (head dean). He said that he
had a daughter of marriageable age and wanted the best-learning guy in the yeshiva for his
daughter, Chaya. He would give the couple a fortune of money so that the fellow could
continue to learn Torah. The Rosh HaYeshiva said he had just the boy, who was excellent in
learning. The boy, Shmerel, was called in and given the proposition and he agreed.
At the wedding, the rich father-in-law,
true to his word, presented to the couple an enormous sum of money. Just when Chaya gave
birth to their SEVENTH CHILD, the money ran out. Shmerel said to his wife, "If I have
to go work for someone, let me work for someone I love, not you," and he divorced
Chaya promptly. He had gone after the "mi'ode." Mr. Bernstein went after the
nefesh. Chaya was caught in the middle; together with seven perplexed, broken and
abandoned children. And there never had been any heart. There was nothing of any substance
there. We see from Shmerel that even if one is brilliant in the mind, if one isn't also
brilliant in the heart, one can be very stupid in how one uses one's brilliance.
With heart, one can become brilliant as to
how one uses one's brilliance.
PART FOUR: THE THREE LEVELS
OF DRIVING FORCE IN HUMAN BEHAVIOR
There is another trilogy in the Torah which
we must study to understand personality and its impact on behavior and relating.
In the 13th chapter of Numbers, the Torah
records the story of the 12 spies who Moshe sent to look over the land of Israel. The goal
was for them to bring back a report about the land to help the Jewish people know how to
conquer and settle the land.
G-d had promised the land of Israel to the
Jewish people, automatically signifying that victory in the battle to take the land would
be a foregone conclusion, if the Jews would believe in G-d and His promise.
The Torah makes a point to say that the
spies were sent to SEE the land (e.g. its inhabitants, geography, military strength,
agricultural attributes). Instead of coming back with a report on how to develop a
strategy for acquiring the land, ten of the 12 spies gave a discouraging report, saying
that the land's inhabitants were too powerful, unconquerable and frightening to contend
with.
The people became disheartened. They lost
belief in G-d and wanted to return to the slavery of Egypt. This was considered by G-d to
be so enormous a sin, that the entire current, complaining generation was doomed to perish
in the desert, and the next generation (who were currently innocent children) would enter
the land after forty years in the desert. Since G-d's promise of conquest meant that
victory would be a foregone conclusion, all they basically had to do was "go through
the motions" since G-d wants the world to operate through normal nature.
At the end of the Torah portion
("Shlach") which starts with the story of the spies, the Torah commands the
mitzva of TZITZIS (fringe-strings on a four-cornered garment; the idea of four sides is to
make us aware that G-d, with His sovereignty, is in all four directions: front, back,
right, left; i.e. everywhere).
The Torah says that you will SEE the
fringe-strings and be reminded by them to obey the will of G-d. The "K'sav
ViHaKabolaw" commentary points out that when the Torah uses the word to SEE in
reference to the spies and, again, uses the word SEE in the commanding of TZITZIS
afterwards, we are taught that TZITZIS are the REPAIR or ANTIDOTE or PROTECTION for what
led to the sin of the spies.
More accurately, the commandment of TZITZIS
says,"Do not SEE after your hearts, and after your eyes, that you go straying after
them." Look closely. Again, we notice some important questions. 1. How does one SEE
with one's heart?
We notice that there is another trilogy. In
this context, what are:
2. heart 3. eyes (perception), and 4.
resultant action/behavior (indicated by, "go straying")?
Again, we have a SPECIFIC SIGNIFICANT
CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER. So,
5. Why this order? In particular, 6. I
would think that I would a. firstly, SEE something with my eyes, b. secondly, be excited
in my heart and, c. lastly, be driven to action. So, why doesn't the verse say eyes first,
heart second?...especially since it says SEE...? "Do not SEE with your eyes,"
seems much more indicated than the stated, "Do not SEE after your hearts." Why
does the Torah reverse the order of "eyes" and "heart?" And, 7. even
if "heart" (and not "eyes") should indeed be first, what, then, is
"seeing of the heart?"
Again, the Torah is describing the heart as
the deepest essence of the human being, the seat of each person's values, character,
judgement, biases, self-interests and true motivations. This time, the Torah is describing
the process by which behavior is generated. With study, you can come to learn how your
actions are prompted, which will be of invaluable help in working on any behaviors that
you need to change, diminish or increase.
The HEART, in accordance with how pure or
impure it is, how objective or subjective it is, how truth-centered or self-centered it
is, determines how one will SEE which will, in turn, determine how one will ACT. To put it
another way, the elements in the HEART define PERCEPTIONS which drive RESULTANT BEHAVIOR.
The Torah wants us to see Hashem and mitzvos in all four directions, so it commands us to
wear tzitis on the four corners of our garment, to "clothe" ourselves in the
will of G-d.
The ten spies interpreted the phenomena
which they saw, in Israel, through their biases, and they maligned the land. One's values,
character, judgement and feelings are rooted in the heart, they color what one sees and
drive action to gratify what the heart wants. Let me give one example of how they
perverted their interpretation of what they saw and their evaluation of the land. At the
time they entered, G-d killed many of they inhabitants, to show that their enemies are
mortal and defeatable, to keep the inhabitants busy with mourning and funerals so that
they would not notice the Jewish spies intruding in their land (Rashi to Numbers 13:32).
It was a generous kindness on G-d's part. The spies claimed that the land is cursed and it
kills the people who live in it. Their actions did not operate from a good base in the
heart. Trouble lurked in their ulterior motive.
The ten spies decided in their hearts,
before they even started their expedition, that they did not want to go into the land.
Their perceptions saw the evidence which would argue against entering the land. They
brought their report against the land. The heart's values, character, judgement,
motivations and feelings determine desires which color what we see which drives actions to
fulfill what the heart wants. A good base in the heart means good potential for good,
honorable and spiritual behavior and relating.
What they should have done:
1. been open and objective to collect the
data, with no foregone conclusions, so as to be able to make a dispassionate determination
based on the nature or the objective merits of the data (heart)
2. go to the land and accumulate whatever
data was actually there (eyes)
3. objectively report back, with
conclusions based on the data (resultant action/behavior).
Instead, what they did:
1. they decided in advance [Rabbi Dessler
more fully develops this in Michtav Me'Eliyahu] before taking their first step on the
mission that they did not want to go into the land or risk undertaking the conquest...it
was just a matter of how to find and construct the resultant case against entering the
land (heart)
2. they saw throughout their 40 day journey
through the land things that fit with their predispositions, self-interests, subjectivity
and biases (e.g. strong warriors, etc.) so they only perceived and noted things that would
argue against entering the land (eyes)
3. they manipulated their data to conform
to their original preconceived notions (rather than accumulating data and then evaluating
it to determine the conclusion that would objectively derive from that data - their
"conclusion" was decided at the start before acquiring any data, rather than
afterwards as a consequence of acquiring and assessing data), and they brought an evil
report which brought punishment on their entire generation (resultant action/behavior):
for each day they were on the spy mission, a year in the desert.
As such, by the mitzva of tzitzis, the
Torah commanded: do NOT go after your heart. Suspect your subjectivity and it's capacity
to get you into trouble. Go after what G-d says, not after what you think. Approach G-d as
King David did, saying (Psalms 51:12), "G-d, create in me a pure HEART and give into
me a new correct spirit." Then you can succeed. "And the people were happy
because they gave to G-d with a complete HEART (1 Chronicles 29:9)."
This trilogy is repeated in a Psalm, also
written by King David, who
* killed his negative inclination and
* purified his heart for the service of G-d
by hard spiritual work over his lifetime.
"My G-d, my HEART is not arrogant and
my EYES are not high and I never ACTED in things too big or complex for me (Psalm
131:1)."
This psalm is an ode to self-conquest and
inner perfection. On the kabalistic (mystical) level, its theme is cancellation of the
yaitzer hora (negative inclination). It represents removal of:
* barrier between oneself and G-d,
* obstacle to dedication to Torah and
* egoism that would have one act without
regard for others nor for the will of G-d.
This psalm describes how King David
subjugated himself and his spirit. Even though he was king, with life-and-death power,
with the entire nation obliged to honor him, and he was one of the greatest Torah
authorities alive in his day, he didn't let his station bring him to any arrogance, to
abuse of power or to advantage-taking. He was always benevolent, humble and generous to
everyone; including to those who insulted him publically, who rebelled against his
monarchy or who lost court decisions in his supreme court. He saw himself as one
responsible for the welfare of his people, and as a simple servant of the Ultimate King.
Next to G-d, King David saw himself a dependent, helpless infant (verses 2 and 3).
King David is demonstrating this same basic
principle of personality. The heart is the root of person, where the essence lives. The
heart will affect, based on its interests and motivations and biases, the perceptions that
the heart wants to see, and then, based on seeing things the way the heart wants to, the
vision is constructed or manipulated or molded, so as to produce the perception that the
heart wants. Then, the behavior follows. Kind David is saying that he was good in the eyes
of G-d, because he had his heart correct and spiritual, his perceptions clear and
objective, and his behavior was good and honorable. The heart is the essence and starting
point. That which one wants in the heart biases what we see which, in turn, drives our
actions and relationships.
He achieved this exalted level by banishing
ego, pride, bias and haughtiness from his HEART. His EYES did not see his station in a
high or complicated manner. Therefore, he never ACTED in a big way that flaunted power,
glory or greatness; as these are exclusively G-d's (1 Chronicles 29:11). David's heart was
in correct shape, his perceptions were clear and objective and his behavior was honorable
and good.
Everything in the physical realm has a
parallel in the spiritual realm. Just as the physical heart is the base of life, and the
driving force for disseminating life throughout the body (by pumping blood, in which the
nefesh/life force is contained!), the heart is:
* the base of relating (laiv-nefesh-mi'ode)
and
* the driving force of behavior
(laiv-eyes-actions).
EVERY ASPECT OF "LIFE" - NOT
MERELY THE PHYSICAL - BEGINS WITH THE HEART. When the holy spark in the heart unites with
(and makes holy) the sense of self (through removal of the iron wall in the heart), and
lights the soul - through Torah, the heart is the "pump" of spiritual life.
The Torah is teaching us that the heart,
based on the elements, desires, character qualities, personal interests and true
motivations that are in it, is a starting point, which determines our perception and
biases (in other words: what we see), which in turn drives our behavior. Good which is in
the heart produces good perceptions which generate good behavior. Biased, contaminated or
self-serving contents in a heart produce negative perceptions which generate negative,
anti-spiritual, potentially destructive behavior. My personal interests, true motivations
and qualities in my heart will color how I think and feel about things and how I do
things; what focus, orientations or priorities I have; whether I like basketball,
computers, gemara, crime or shalom bayis. This is of profound significance in
interpersonal relationships.
PART FIVE: ASSIMILATE TRUE
LOVE INTO YOUR HEART
"Never abandon chesed and truth, tie
them on your neck and inscribe them on the tablet of your heart (Proverbs 3:3)."
Truth is one of the words which represent "Torah." Chesed has to be defined and
practiced in accordance with the Torah. Kindness must always accord with true,
Torah-sanctioned activity and beneficence. Nothing about it may violate the Torah, or it
is not true goodness, and it must accord with what the recipient needs. For this to be
real, it must be consistent - to never be abandoned by you. For chesed to be real, it must
be a matter of trustworthy and constant commitment. Tie these onto your neck - make these
a matter of obvious and visible external action and behavior. Tie these into your heart -
assimilate these so that they are a part of you, at your essence and depth as a human
being. Your externals and internals must be developed so as to be the same. The externals
can't be a shallow act to impress the world, and the internal must be brought out in
action in the practical world or else it is meaningless. When the surface is connected to
the heart, the outer actions have sincere feeling and come from a thorough and integrated
human personality.
The Talmud says, "G-d wants the heart
(Sanhedrin 106b)." The main thing that G-d wants is that your heart is for Him and
for what He wants. The word in Hebrew for "heart" (laiv) is spelled with the
letters lammed and bais. The Torah starts and ends with the letters lammed and bais.
Interestingly, it starts with bais and ends with lammed. This is the word for
"heart" spelled backwards. It would be convenient if the Torah would have
started with lammed and would have ended with bais because it would have started and ended
with the letters that make the word "heart." If the main thing that G-d wants is
the "heart" that would have been very profound, symbolic and instructive. We
would have been able to say that the Torah contains heart and your heart contains Torah
and it would have made a lovely and fundamental drasha (instructive exposition). But, the
Torah, as it stands, starts with bais (not lammed) and ends with lammed (not bais). It's
curious that the beginning and the end of the Torah are the letters for the word for
"heart," but backwards.
In this, there is also an intriguing and
profound message to us. Bais and lammed (in that order) also spells a word "bal"
(which means: not, don't, negation). For example, we see it in the phrase "bal
tashchis - do not waste" (i.e. the mitzva not to destroy worldly resources).
On the surface, it seems there is a message
that the Torah stands for negation or some form of non-existence. But isn't that the exact
opposite of what we know the Torah to stand for? It's very curious.
In Parshas Shoftim, the Torah tells us to
follow the Torah authorities alive in one's day. If you have a question in Torah law or a
claim against someone, go to the Torah expert and follow what he says. The Torah says that
the obligation to follow the Torah instructor is so strong, that you must not turn to the
right or the left of what the Torah authority tells you (Deuteronomy 16:8-11). Rashi there
tells us that the meaning goes so far that even if what the Torah instructor (i.e. rov,
posaik, dayan) says seems to you like what he is saying is "the right is the
left" or "the left is the right," do what he says. Don't take it upon
yourself to say that he has things backwards, even if you think that the truth is the
opposite of what he tells you. The person with daas Torah [practical knowledge of Torah]
has training in truth, objectivity, seeing with clarity, perceiving life accurately and
knowing what the will of G-d is.
People are subjective. People have
emotions, self-interests and biases. The Torah is straight and objective. It is the
"knowledge," "wisdom' and "mind" (so to speak) of G-d. "The
Torah of G-d is perfect, it restores the soul; the statement of G-d is trustworthy, making
wise the simple. The laws of Hashem are straight, making the heart happy; the commandments
of G-d are clear bringing light to the eyes (Psalms 19:8-9)." The Torah (Deuteronomy
18:13) tells us, "Be perfect with the L-rd your G-d."
We start out at a point of spiritual
imperfection, shortcoming and backwardness. We have to spend a lifetime breaking our
faults and subjectivity to overcome and develop to turn ourselves over from our subjective
and imperfect starting point, to get to our Torah-determined completion point.
When the Talmud teaches us that G-d wants
the heart, and when the initials of the Torah are "heart backwards," this means
that WE have to turn ourselves and our perceptions around and reverse them during the
course of a lifetime (to get from self-oriented, incomplete and subjective to
Torah-oriented, complete and objective). By learning and observing Torah and mitzvos, by
working diligently on midos (character development) and by listening to the rabbinical
leaders of our day, we fulfill what G-d wants and we turn ourselves around from
"bal" to "laiv." It is not the Torah that is backwards, it is us. It
is our job is to transform ourselves. In the beginning we present to G-d "bal
(nothing - selfishness, frailty, shortcoming and subjectivity)" and the Jew's goal in
life is to get to where we each give G-d "laiv (heart, completeness, service,
loyalty, devotion)."
The Vilna Gaon writes in Evven Shlaima,
"The essential purpose of life is to strengthen oneself continually in the conquering
of midos and if at any time one does not, he is wasting being alive." This says: what
life itself is. One must always be working on midos, including when relating with other
people, so that you can craft the kinds of human interactions, relationships and
activities that the Torah wants. At any moment that one is not growing, one is wasting
life.
The Ben Ish Chai, in his commentary on the
Torah, says that the first mitzva in the Torah (to have children and multiply) and the
last mitzva in the Torah (to write a Torah scroll in one's lifetime) are physical and
spiritual manifestations of the same idea - to produce with your life something that goes
beyond your earthly life. Having children accomplishes going beyond the physical world in
a material way and writing a Torah accomplishes going beyond the physical world in a
spiritual way.
On Simchas Torah we finish and start the
reading of the Torah so it's an ongoing cycle. The Torah is a scroll. The Torah is a
"cyclical book." If we open and stretch a Torah scroll, it would be a strip of
parchment that would extend for dozens of yards. If it were positioned into a circle, and
lined up so that the end came just before the beginning, the lammed at the very end would
come just before the bais at the very beginning. Using this picture in the mind, we could
picture the lammed coming together with the bais to make the word "laiv." By
opening up the Torah within the Jew, we can transform the "bal (nothing)" to
"laiv (heart)." Through immersion in Torah, we put together the physical and
spiritual manifestations of life-continuity and now we can say that one's laiv is the
Torah and Torah is one's laiv.
In Pirkei Avos, chapter two, Rabbi Yochanon
Ben Zakkai says that a good heart contains all good things and a bad heart contains all
bad things. Having a good, pure heart contains every manner of good. It is crucial to
living a good life and distancing from all the bad things in life. This is a rule to which
there are no exceptions.
If one grows in the instruction and ways of
Hashem, as given in the Torah and through the rabbinical authorities, we can apply these
to promotion of the qualities necessary for successful human relations: unity, peace,
love, benefit of doubt, forgiving, trust, warmth, closeness, respect, etc.
The term "orlas laiv" means a
"blocked heart," and the term is used to describe being a person's being hard,
impenetrable or stubborn. In bain adam lechavairo (interpersonal situations), blockage is
tied to sin, neglect or damage when blocked from doing mitzvos and G-d's will. If one
wants to be able to fulfill mitzvos, to do G-d's will, (s)he has to get rid of blockages
in him/herself when relating to other people.
Rambam writes that if one has a limited
amount of money to give to charity, give smaller amounts to many people, not to give it
all at one time. Why? Because every time I give, the act of giving opens up one's heart
and developes the trait of giving. If you give more often, the added practice of giving
will cause more spiritual development and make you a more generous-hearted person. This
can counter selfishness and "heart blockage." By looking for opportunities to
give, this will break the barrier and develop the ability to love and be kind to others.
The Torah was given at the one moment in
history when the Jewish people were like one person with one heart (Rashi, quoting Midrash
Mechilta to Exodus 19:2). We were all together as a unit with one good-natured and bonded
heart all for the will of G-d. G-d is One and we are obligated to emulate His midos,
including the achievement of oneness between Jews, as instruments for the fulfillment of
His will. That is why we merited receiving the Torah at just that moment. Revelation was
Hashem communicating His will, and it was by virtue of that Jewish unity that we were able
- just at that moment - to be instruments for the receiving of Revelation. Each Jew let
down barriers with each other Jew. If we achieve Jewish unity, we bring down barriers
between us and Hashem. This is achieved through a barrier-free HEART.
Rabbi Yisroel Salanter said that most
people worry about one's own materialism and the next guy's spirituality. In truth, it
must be the other way around. The Jew must care about the next person's materialism and
his own spirituality.
When I am concerned about how the other
fellow is doing (does he have enough to eat, is he better from that sickness, etc.) that
repairs my spirituality. If I will scream at you because you didn't say that blessing with
enough devotion to satisfy me, I am taking care of my materialism, not my spirituality
because abusing you for a frum reason is still abuse - not spirituality. Such behavior
makes one person feel big while making the other small, which is a sin. When the Jew is
concerned about the other's good, when the other person is big and important, when one's
heart sincerely wants to fulfill the will of Hashem and when one delivers practical good
to others, especially in his or her closest relationships, then the person is spiritually
"making it" as a Torah person. The person is getting from "bal" to
"laiv."
There is a beautiful and well-known Hebrew
expression recorded in Moshe Eben Ezer's Shiras Yisroel page 156 and the Alshich's
commentary to the Torah, Parshas Vi'Eschanon (Deuteronomy 6:6), "Words which come out
of the heart enter to the heart."
Another translation is "things
[devorim] which come out of the hearts...". This is worth mentioning because words
are not the only element with which a person communicates. One's emotional being is
conveyed from the heart and, therefore, what one conveys emotionally has significant
impact on how he is perceived or how his meaning is taken by other people.
Babies only feel - they do not communicate
or relate with intellect or words. Some time after birth, a baby develops the ability to
differentiate people and decides, by feel, who he likes or is comfortable with. If someone
who the baby doesn't feel right with seeks to pick the baby up, the baby will resist or
cry. There is nothing intellectual, verbal or reasoned. The baby won't be picked up by A
and will be picked up by B. I've watched this phenomena many times and I've noticed
something fairly consistently. The baby is happy when picked up by someone who conveys
HEART...warmth, security, friendliness, safety, sweetness. He wants heart...without
blockage, hesitation or inconsistency.
This dynamic of human nature does not go
away just because a person accumulates 2, 4 or 8 decades of life more than a baby. It just
gets more subliminal and subtle in adults, so it's not necessarily as clearly noticed.
Since babies have nothing to go by except feel, its role in a baby's perception or
decision-making faculties is much more pronounced.
When adults convey heart; when they
communicate, relate, emote; heart breaks through thick barriers, melts away
"personality ice," achieves connection and security. In this regard, grown-ups
are just babies who've been living longer. They want to deal with people who sincerely
give their heart. To give one's heart, one must be connected to his own heart. When one is
connected to his heart, he can connect his heart with someone's else's. When two people,
who are each connected to their own heart, connect their hearts, they can truly relate to
each other.
In the sixth chapter of Pirkei Avos, the
mishna says that "a good heart" is one of the forty-eight ways to be a Torah
person. In his commentary, Tiferes Yisroel describes "a good heart" as: filled
with freely given warmth and lovingkindness for all Jews, feeling joy at every opportunity
to do good. How much moreso when a husband and his wife are steadily relating and
communicating pleasantly, generously and constructively together from two good hearts.
PART SIX: CONCRETE LIVING OF
MARRIAGE FROM THE HEART IS FUNDAMENTAL
All good that can be found in the human
condition is SOURCED ENTIRELY IN A GOOD HEART (Pirkei Avos, chapter two). It therefore is
basic that to have a good marriage, both partners 1. must choose each other, first and
foremost, on the basis of each having a good heart; and 2. must relate to the other's
heart 3. from his/her heart. This is done primarily by each giving of themselves
VOLUNTARILY WITH A SWEET, PLEASANT ATTITUDE for the good, well-being and happiness of the
other; treating each other with respect, patience, responsibility, concern, importance,
gratitude and warmth; DOING ALL OF THIS WITH UNENDING CONSISTENCY which allows the other
to TRUST THAT SUCH IS THE BASIS FOR RELATING TO EACH OTHER. When the heart provides the
PRIMARY BASIS for men and women communicating, understanding and relating; happy, loving
and peaceful marriage will be the universal and practical standard for Jewish couples.
This series on trouble patterns that I've discerned through my marriage counseling work
experience, therefore, must address "a good heart."
Among the serious troubles in shalom bayis
in our times is in the domain of VALUES. To start with, people go to all kinds of lengths
to make a lavish wedding, with "all the trimmings." They go into hock, beg or
borrow. They and/or their children want what other people have at their weddings. They are
driven by social pressure to conform with or beat what everyone else is doing to make a
wedding fancy. Once upon a time, in the "old country," there was only a small
gathering of close relatives at the chasuna, one violinist, the "fleishigs" was
a watery soup, the photographer was cousin Feivel who took one black and white picture of
the chupa and there was no week of catered sheva brachos. Now, people get lost in wedding
arrangements and even have fights over them. Then, when the couple is married, instead of
leaving them alone, parents and relatives often mix in. Young couples are impressionable
and still can be molded by parents. After marriage, influencing in any way is generally
detrimental to that marriage. Yet, meddling relatives are among the most marriage-breaking
forces around today (as are bad midos, immaturity, selfishness, bad communication and
psychological problems). Any spouse who is spoiled or egocentric will make unreasonable
and unrealistic demands upon the other. A growing number of marriages, to an alarming
extent, are over within a month to a year. We can't even think about helping many of these
couples because they are too immature, selfish and rigid to see or work on anything which
is not their way. They are not raised to view a marriage partner as SO IMPORTANT THAT ONE
MUST BEND ONE'S WILL, BEHAVIOR AND FRAGILE FEELINGS ON BEHALF OF HIM/HER, OR ON BEHALF OF
UNITY WITH THAT PERSON; SO THAT DIFFERENCES AND PRESSURES CAN BE MATURELY AND EFFECTIVELY
HANDLED. It's "what can you do for me?" "What can I take, demand and expect
from you?" "How are you worth my being married to?" "Will you provide
support (so he can learn or she can revel in comfort)?" Because 1. divorce no longer
carries its old stigma, 2. there is much more sanction and place in society for unmarried
women, and 3. marriage has lost much of its sanctity; divorce has become a commodity these
days and marriage has become optional and disposable; like a tin of peas which gets thrown
out after serving its purpose.
When a marriage prioritizes or is based at
all on externals, looks, a fun personality, societal status or approval, talent, mental
brilliance, materialism - things which are nice if there but WHICH HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH
LASTING TOGETHER FOR A LIFETIME - they are essentially ASKING FOR MARRIAGE TO SOONER OR
LATER FAIL, OR TO BE MISERABLE TO MEDIOCRE AT BEST. In marriage, two people are to become
tied as if two separated halves are brought together to be one, a totality, a team.
Through conducting themselves with gentleness, sacrificing, devotion, giving, and
acceptance of imperfections; in other words: matters of the heart; a couple is able to
build a holy and loving connection that withstands the tests and troubles of "real
life." The Steipler said that you should select someone for marriage with good midos
- who will apply them in practical every day living (e.g. taking good care when the other
is sick, taking out the garbage when necessary without being asked and never hitting nor
getting angry). A "frum" person without good midos, derech eretz, peacefulness,
kind deeds and a good heart to others; especially to the person (s)he marries; is a
self-serving hypocrite who is living a lie and a contradiction. The values today are
backwards and the results that they produce are also backwards. Only if we can return to
fully prioritizing and living from a good heart can we stop substituting impressive
weddings for impressive marriages.
Serious and practical application of all
this depends directly on choosing a marriage partner and conducting everything in the
marriage on the basis of a good heart...the penimeeyus (inner) qualities that define who
one is as a person and how one will conduct oneself at all times, particularly times of
trial, challenge or difficulty. Any relationship in general, and marriage in particular;
what it truly is and how it actually goes; is defined by penimeeyus qualities. These all
stem from a good heart.
PART SEVEN: PRACTICAL
APPLICATION TO LOVE BETWEEN A REAL HUSBAND AND WIFE
When the Torah commands us to love G-d, it
includes a Hebrew word that we don't translate in the English. It is a word which has the
unusual purpose of filling a GRAMMATICAL FUNCTION, rather than having a conventional,
translatable meaning as a word.
"You are commanded to love ESS the
L-rd your G-d with all your laiv, nefesh and mi'ode." The word, "ess" is
the key to transferring application from love of G-d to love of your fellow human being.
The word "ess" really does two
things:
1. it points to the direct object of a
verb; for example, if I wanted to use Hebrew to tell you to remember to keep the shabos
(Sabbath), I would say, "Remember ESS the shabos;" and
2. it is "lashon ribui," which
means to make a term inclusive, so when I tell you, "Remember ESS the shabos,"
it automatically also means for you to remember something MORE about the shabos, (e.g. to
remember and to think about shabos at ALL times EVERY day of the week, so if I see
something on Tuesday that would be nice to have for shabos, I buy it on Tuesday for
shabos).
G-d is infinite. He is beyond human
comprehension. He is all-encompassing. Loving Him can entail abstraction. Through concrete
commandments in a "here and now" world, we can function in a practical manner
and work to develop love for our Creator and to grow in spirituality so that our higher
spiritual level will enable us to have increasing awareness of a Spiritual Being.
For example, the commandments to honor and
fear parents are metaphors for honoring and fearing G-d. When a child grows up he sees
big, intimidating adults who train him in right and wrong, who come to him with reward and
punishment, who respond to him with compassionate nurturance and stern discipline. As his
intellect grows, he learns how to model his regard for G-d in a parallel way. The Torah's
commandments concretize our relationship with G-d and Jewish law addresses every facet and
moment of life so that we can bring G-d into our lives across the entire spectrum of human
activity. We have to eat only Kosher. We can't put onto ourselves any garment of wool and
linen. We separate a share of our money for charity and kindness. Everything in life is
legislated, so that we bring G-d in to our lives, across the board, and thereby elevate
all of life to the divine. To love ESS Hashem means to direct love to Him (direct object)
in everything I do at every moment (ribui). So, when I love ESS G-d, it is through service
that is indeed 1. directed to Him, 2. inclusive (of more than the apparent) totally, and
3. operative in all facets of life. And, this is an approach to DELIVERING love that can
be exclusively applied from the Jew to G-d.
If I make a "booboo" in my
spiritual service, say I put my Tefillin on the wrong place on my head so that it doesn't
fulfill the mitzva, or I put the wrong shoe on first, or I eat unkosher one time; I hurt
my spiritual existence but I don't hurt G-d. The infinite can't be hurt, shortchanged or
diminished.
There is a fundamental difference when I
relate to human beings. If I make a "booboo" when relating with a human being, I
CAN hurt, shortchange or diminish another human being. The Torah has to express a
different manner for the DELIVERY of love to human beings (different than the manner for
the DELIVERY of love to infinite, spiritual G-d), so as to anticipate and to counteract
the capacity for errors, infractions, negligence or omissions which can cause damage,
hurt, shortchange or loss to people.
The basis for the answer is "Love to
your fellow Jew as yourself I am G-d (Leviticus 19:18)."
When the Torah commands to love our fellow
Jew, it says to "love TO your fellow Jew," directing your love TO the
recipients' needs, identity, feelings, dignity, reputation, situation and individuality.
This keeps you specific, responsible and targeted. We address the other as a real, living,
concrete, flesh and blood human being. We are to never hurt, diminish, disrespect,
embarrass, harm or shortchange the next Jew. Rather, the Torah holds us accountable to
direct love in effective, tangible ways, in order that we deliver what he needs and lacks,
on the basis of who the person is, and what his feelings and situation are, with no margin
for error or damage. The Torah continues, "As you love yourself." Love the other
Jew no less than you want for yourself. As Rabbi Dessler puts it, "with no
differentiation from yourself."
The verse continues, "I am G-d."
I can understand the Torah adding "love...as yourself." Don't diminish love just
because the other person isn't you. Isn't that clear and complete enough? What does the
Torah say by adding, "I am G-d." The Talmud (Avos DeRebi Noson 16) says, read it
as,
"I am G-d WHO CREATED HIM."
Remember Whose creation the other person
is! Remember he is created in the image of G-d. The other is a neshama (soul) of infinite
value! That's not just some lump of clay that talks. Be careful with how you treat MY
CREATION!
Recognize each and every other Jew as being
G-d's creation. Michtav Me'Eliyahu tells us that giving is the root of loving. Tractate
Derech Eretz Zuta tells us that active giving for the good of another Jew causes one to
unite in love with that other. Directing ongoing giving, with the design and intent to
bestow good upon the recipient through that giving, from heart to heart and
good-naturedly, builds a true bond of love. In the context of husband and wife, the
opportunity is always there to practice targeted and ongoing giving and beneficence
through which the couple can potentially achieve constant satisfaction and happiness
together.
PART EIGHT: THE THREE
FACETS OF INTERPERSONAL PERCEPTION AND HOW THEY PERTAIN TO YOUR MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP
There is one more trilogy that is key to
studying how one's inner personality plays a major, defining role in relationships. This
one comes from two sources and follows the mathematical principle:
if A = B, and if B = C, then I know that A
= B = C, because B equals both A and C.
The Talmud (Kidushin 70b) tells us,
"All who delegitimatize [another person] do so in [regards to] their own
blemish."
In modern psychology, this is called,
"projection," which basically means that I attribute the characteristics that
are in myself to you. When done regarding a negative trait, the psychological motivation
is evasion of attributing that fault to myself. Fault is a thing to hate, condemn,
criticize and disassociate with but no one wants to hate, condemn, criticize or
disassociate with him or herself. So, there is a tendency in human nature to associate
one's faults with others, so the person can see himself as faultless, good, righteous,
blameless, clean. The mind goes through elaborate subterfuge not to face the pain of
accepting fault or the hard work one would have to undertake to work on the shortcoming or
problem in an honest, courageous and effective manner. No one wants to admit fault, be
wrong, be imperfect, be culpable, have blemish. By the mind projecting characteristics to
another person, one is spared the incrimination. Did you ever notice that the most crooked
people are the ones with the most locks and alarms on their doors, and talk of how
"it's a jungle out there; you can't trust anybody." Whenever someone says
something is wrong about another, if:
1. the speaker can't back it up with
specific, objective, credible, consistent and substantive documentation, and
2. the critical person's reference to the
other is without any sincere positive or praising aspect, to indicate balance and
objective assessment
look for that criticism to be present in
the speaker him/herself, especially if there could be a reason why the individual would
want to evade facing it within him/herself.
In my counseling and workshop experience, I
have found that the positive side of this is also true. If a person has a positive outlook
or attitude or approach to people, the positives are probably found in the speaker's
personality likewise. We see this alluded to in the gemora.
The gemora [Taanis 22a] tell of two clowns
who were the only two people in their town who merited olam habo [eternal life]. This was
because they used their humor to make unhappy people happy and to bring quarreling people
to peace. They accomplished this by transferring the happiness in their hearts to the
heart of the depressed person or the two friends or the husband and wife who were
quarreling [Rabainu Chananel]. They had happiness in their hearts, so they could share it
with others, they could view others in terms of happiness as the norm. Their view of life
was that happiness was standard.
The two clowns had happiness in their
hearts which they sought to share, spread and implant into the hearts of sad or
quarrelling people.
We see from this: THE WAY THAT I VIEW YOU
IS THE WAY THAT I VIEW MYSELF, regardless of whether I realize, admit or face what is in
myself. These are the first two elements of this trilogy ("A + B").
The second part of the construction of the
currently developing trilogy ("B + C") is from the Targum Yonason on Numbers
13:33, one of the verses in the story of the spies just referred to above. When the spies
were reporting how the inhabitants of the land were insurmountably huge, this verse in the
Torah says,
"...and we were in our eyes like
grasshoppers, and thus we were in their eyes."
The Targum Yonason (a Talmudic translation
of the Bible, studied for added insights from the words) provides an Aramaic rendering
written bi'ruach hakodesh (divine spirit) which adds nuances of meaning that substantially
enhance our understanding of what this verse means. It renders the verse,
"...and we were comparable in the face
of our personalities, which was like grasshoppers, and, which like them, we were
comparable in the face of their personalities."
Notice that the Targum Yonason:
1. adds, in the references to both the
spies and the inhabitants, the word "comparable," showing that the references to
their view of themselves equalled the view that the inhabitants had of them,
2. changes "eyes" to "the
face of the personality," indicating that perception is intrinsically linked to your
personality (through the eyes in your face [S'fas Emmess says that panim - face - is the
same root as pnimi - internal, so the face is a window to the inner personality]), and
3. conveys that the reference to
grasshoppers indicates small self-image, because its wording goes to more effort to link
the spies' to the image of grasshoppers.
From this we see: THE WAY THAT I VIEW
MYSELF IS THE WAY THAT I VIEW HOW OTHERS VIEW ME. Now we have all the elements of this
trilogy.
When we put the Talmudic teaching about
delegitimizing another person (how I view myself = how I view you) together with this (how
I view myself = how I view that you view me), we see that the way the I VIEW:
1) MYSELF
2) YOU
3) HOW YOU VIEW ME
...ARE ALL EQUAL IN MY MIND. This effects
my self-image, personality, relating, perceiving, behavior and how overall I deal with
life. In fact, in each mida (trait), how I view the whole world is the same in my mind.
If, for example, I have no respect for myself, there is no respect in the world. I don't
have respect for you, I don't view you as having respect for me. I project my perceived
absence of respect across the board. If I don't feel worth for myself, no one is any good.
In each trait, for good or for bad, my mind perceives the whole world the same way. If I
feel trust within, I incline to trust you and to believe that you trust me. Trust is the
general rule in my view of the world. The same holds for all positive and negative traits.
My mind basically applies the trait, good or bad, sometimes consciously and sometimes
without conscious awareness, to the whole world across the entire spectrum of life. True,
experience or conditioning can make us aware of differentiations (e.g. the trusting person
can learn not to be naive with criminal types). Sometimes this can have "reverse
impact" and train the heart to get more negative (e.g. training the mind to grow more
untrusting) and it takes hard and sensitive mussar (self-elevation) work to have
objectivity, in depth self-awareness, to develop and protect fine characteristics and to
eradicate negative ones.
In marriage, the trilogy of seeing myself,
you and how you see me colors the relationship. It impacts significantly on how two people
will interact with each other, based on the internal material in each partner's heart.
IF I THINK AND FEEL WELL OF MYSELF, I THINK
AND FEEL THE SAME ABOUT YOU, AND I THINK AND FEEL THAT THIS IS THE WAY THAT YOU THINK AND
FEEL ABOUT ME.
IF I THINK AND FEEL POORLY ABOUT MYSELF, I
THINK AND FEEL THE SAME ABOUT YOU, AND THE WAY THAT YOU VIEW (THINK, FEEL ABOUT) ME. Here
you have trilogy number three. Let's see how it can be used, with some concrete examples
from elements that can "make or break" a marriage.
Marriage can exist only with the vital
elements of love (Kidushin 41a, Yevamos 62b), respect (Yevamos 62b, Kidushin 31a), faith
with trustworthiness (Maharal, Nesivos Olam), peace (Yevamos 62b, Avos DeRebi Noson 28:3,
Vayikra Raba 9:9), happiness (Taanis 22a, Rashi & Rabainu Chananel), and fully
attributing to each partner the infinite worth (Beraishis 1:27, Tzelem Elokim; Chailek
Eloka Mi'ma'al) that comes from a person's being G-d's creation (Avos DeRebi Noson 16).
Like all personality elements, they must be
found in one's heart, and they must be accessible and functional, in order to be of
practical applicability or value.
If I view myself as feeling/having within
myself * love * respect * trustworthiness * peace * happiness * worth * or any other human
characteristic...then I can perceive you as having the ones I have, and I can perceive
that you view me as having (and that you come to me with) those characteristics.
If I view myself as not feeling/having
within myself * love * respect * trustworthiness * peace * happiness * worth * or any
other human characteristic...then I fail to perceive you as having the one that I lack,
and I fail to perceive that you view me as having (and as coming to me with) those
characteristics. I can perceive you as having the opposite or absence of characteristics
that I have the opposite or absence of. I see you as having those positives or negatives
that are within myself.
So, if, for example, I don't feel respect
(self-esteem, self-image, self-worth), which is vital to marital peace, I can't respect
you nor presume that you can truly respect me. The way this is "wired" in my
heart will
* color the way I perceive the matter of
respect and, in turn,
* drive behavior that is incapable of
factoring respect.
If I don't feel loved or emotionally secure
within, or if I don't feel happy or worthy, etc., likewise. This goes for all
characteristics. This applies for good or for bad.
The two clowns (referred to above, from the
gemora Taanis 22a, who made people happy and brought peace) were people who had happiness
and peace in their hearts, who recognized the condition which was in other people's heart,
and spilled over into other people the rich abundance of happiness and peace which these
two tzadikim had in their hearts. It's exactly our present point. They viewed the entire
world in terms of the way they were "programmed:" happiness and peace are the
way the world is supposed to be, these are what are normal, these are reality, these are
what are supposed to be in a person's heart, these are what they saw in other people's
heart, this is what they gave from their hearts to other people's hearts.
A similar idea is suggested in Tanna DeBay
Eliyahu regarding kavod (honor/respect). When one diminishes the kavod of Heaven, the
kavod of Heaven remains in its place undiminished by any human being, while the person
diminishes his own kavod. A person who can experience kavod within, attributes it to
Heaven.
Without the characteristic in my heart, how
can I relate to a love relationship, a peaceful relationship, a trusting relationship, a
respectful relationship, a happy relationship, a relationship that presumes people to have
worth, etc.? I have no frame of reference for it...for perceiving, understanding, valuing,
accepting, returning or acting upon it.
The absence of good characteristics and/or
the presence of negative characteristics determines the negatives or lackings in how I
view
* myself
* you, and
* your relating to me
...for the bad.
The same is correspondingly true on the
positive side. If I truly have any good characteristic(s) in my heart, it defines the
positives in the way I relate. The presence of good characteristics and/or the absence of
negative characteristics determines the positives and attributes in how I view
* myself
* you, and
* your relating to me
...for the good.
A good test for how "one is
doing" in essential marriage traits is to measure whether you give more than you take
in each such trait. Test yourself in: love, respect, trustworthiness, peace (work to give
in, resolve fights and get along), making the other happy, attributing worth and
importance, accepting and fulfilling responsibility, giving (to please and to benefit the
other), working on self to grow and elevate, and any others that are applicable.
In all "charts," if you are equal
to your partner, you are not even on the chart. You only "get onto the chart"
when you want to give more in each trait TO your partner than you want or expect to take
FROM your partner. In the case of working within yourself, since it is not between people
but is, rather, within one person, you keep growing (instead of stagnating or regressing)
to "get onto the chart." The higher your scores, the more your marriage will be
fulfilling and compatible. Do not take this charting lightly. If you do regular charting,
and take this seriously, it can have extremely beneficial impact on the quality of your
marriage. What you have to exert will be paid back by your partner, and will be worth your
investment since lasting peace only results when giving is mutual, constant and voluntary.
PART NINE: FROM THE HEART -
THE "LOVE ANSWER" FOR SUCCESSFUL LIFELONG MARRIAGE
The trilogy of 1. laiv (heart), 2. nefesh
(personality) and 3. mi'ode (externals) shows how, in relating, laiv (heart) is first.
There is nothing of consequence before one, as an individual, is in touch with and
operating from his/her heart. The unblocked and fully accessible heart is the foundation
of good relationship. A full, normal, healthy human being, in touch with his/her heart,
relates to values, priorities, qualities, virtues, feelings and midos of the heart - and
is drawn to these in other people, and, therefore, in relationships. This defines the
terms for relating, the basis for exchange, and the depth of connection. True relating is
heart to heart, from deepest self to deepest self, reciporically.
People cut off from the heart tend to be
"blind" to the issues of the heart. Further, they tend to disparage them as an
abstract ideal or as unrealistic. Commensurately, it is more difficult for others to find
relationship with such people to be safe, healthy, positive, stable, peaceful, happy or
fulfilling.
The more one has contact with, and defines
relationship by, the heart, the more one will choose a relating partner who, similarly, is
in contact with, and who defines relationship by, heart. The more one is disconnected
from, and defines relationship without, heart, the more one will be attracted to a
relating partner who, similarly, is disconnected from, and defines relationship without,
heart. Roughly speaking, the amount of heart is generally similar in: the man, the woman
and the relationship. If one or both partners doesn't/don't see this, it's generally due
to:
* subjectivity;
* projection (or other defenses);
* difference in individual manifestation;
* differences occurring beneath the surface
(e.g. the similarities being in certain deeper aspects of the person, which are not
readily discerned, because the person is comparing certain other aspects which are more
visible on the surface and which appear to be dissimilar);
* various psychological needs, lackings,
wounds or problems complicating the overall condition and diagnosis and/or;
* the similarity being approximate rather
than precise.
Until a couple of generations ago, families
were closer than in recent times. Often, two or three generations lived in the same house.
Everyone would see and absorb what solid and harmonious family, marriage and human
relations were. You would simply watch how spouses, parents and children treated each
other. No one had to study what a family or marriage was. People generally were much
further away from doing something unkind, violent or irresponsible. When a family lives
together with honor and peace, G-d's presence dwells with them and calls their home a
mikdash mi'at, a miniature Holy Temple.
Hebrew letters have numerical values. The
word "bayis (house)" is the numerical equivalent of 412. The word "laiv
(heart)" is the equivalent of 32. These add up to 444, which is the equivalent of two
intriguing words: mikdash (Holy Temple) and tamid (continually, always). This means that a
couple who relate from the heart at all times transform and elevate a house to a holy
sanctuary.
If a person works on one's laiv,
particularly on midos, one will increasingly come to know one's laiv and grow more
connected and attuned to it. The more one knows and is connected to the laiv, the more one
relates to laiv in another, the more one sees the laiv (or absence of it) in others, the
more one values and appreciates the laiv, the more one feels and possesses experience of
the laiv, and the more one governs behavior by the qualities of the laiv. For a
relationship to succeed, to be pleasant, to be healthy, or to last, BOTH of its members
MUST have a foundation in the laiv. A person who has a good heart is attracted to others
who have a good heart. To have a good relationship, EACH person must be in contact with
his or her own laiv, EACH must access the good and human qualities of the laiv within him
or herself as an ongoing and spontaneous practical matter in daily life, and each one's
laiv must be in contact with the other person's laiv. Each relates from and to the laiv.
To the extent that there is interference or lacking, the process breaks down. The
behavior, especially in relationships, discloses psychological, ethical and personality
shortcomings. All relationships in general, and a marriage in particular, will grow,
deepen and sweeten in direct proportion with the extent to which it is a laiv-to-laiv
relationship.
PART TEN: THE REST OF THE
"LOVE ANSWER"
We noted that in almost direct proportion
to how much a couple marries for love, they increase their likelihood for misery or
divorce. Generally, the feeling which is perceived as love is an emotion which is
psychologically triggered by something from the other person which is emotionally
associated with something within the individual's inner condition. It could be something
psychological from the individual's upbringing, childhood or conditioning - but it is not
love. It is an emotion linked to what the person emotionally wants or needs that the
other, because of internal psychological association, evokes. Or, it could be plain
old-fashioned selfishness, immaturity or bad midos.
One says, "I will love and then I will
give," which is conditional and fleeting. I will give because it gets me what I want.
Because this is entirely self-directed,
when the relationship gives too little or costs too much, it becomes an emotional
liability. The person stops giving. Then, the relationship degenerates. This, in
conjunction with
* the complex of societal values, forces
and norms that overtake a person's consciousness, and
* the absence of having ALL elements of
genuine love
is at the essence of the "love
misconception."
True, lasting and fulfilling love is built
ONLY when 1. it is derived from voluntary active and constant giving for the good of the
one to be loved ("I will give and then I will love"), to the point of loving the
other as much as one loves oneself 2. this love is EXCEEDED by kavod for that person 3.
the love is so constant and unchanging that it may be completely and unquestionably
trusted by the other at all times (particularly because of practical and reliable delivery
of everything that the relationship objectively demands - e.g. all roles,
responsibilities, integrity and human qualities) 4. the partners each recognize,
appreciate and cherish the beautiful laiv qualities (e.g. midos, fineness, virtues) in the
other and 5. the love is genuinely heart-to-heart.
For love relationship to be real, it has to
be rooted in the heart of each person, and it has to be rooted in the spiritual essence of
the person. Marriages and engagements fail to day because people are disconnected from the
heart, do not connect with each other based on the issues of the heart, and their motives
in the relationship come from the this-worldly aspect. Things of this world decay, die,
disappear. Even love, when rooted in this world, is subject to entropy. Only love rooted
in the heart, in the spiritual; and only relationships which stem from two hearts, with
each heart connected to its owner as well as to the other person's heart is capable of
lasting. Only such a relationship can be stable and peaceful. Only such a relationship
bring happiness.
Since the relationship is spiritual, the
actions in it are eternal, transcending the limitations of life in this world. Every
mitzva, every conquest of evil or temptation, every deed deemed good in the eyes of G-d
brings eternal reward. Every action in a relationship deemed good in the eyes of Hashem is
a piece of eternity. Those pieces add up. Whenever you fulfill the will of G-d, or
overcome the inclination to violate the will of G-d, in a relationship context - or in any
context, reward furnishing eternal bliss is given. Never let eternal things be small in
your eyes. Anything eternal is never small.
If a person adds up enough pennies, he can
eventually become a millionaire. If a person adds up enough pebbles, he can accumulate a
mountain. If you accumulate acts of spiritual merit, each of which generates eternal
spiritual bliss, the accumulation of an earthly lifetime is great beyond description. Let
no spiritual deed ever be small in your eyes. Grab every chance in life that you can to
please G-d. He will be faithful to please you.
Further, you are together with your spouse,
and G-d, in eternity. Remember that eternity is beyond time. It never ends. Eternity is a
very long stretch to be happy or miserable with your Creator and spouse. Even though it
requires work - and heart - choose the long run good - in everything you do, at every
moment that you are in this world. You are constantly accumulating bits of your spiritual
eternity. This is worth more than a million, bigger than a mountain and longer than any
concept of time. It is forever. Let your eternity be filled with good. This derives from
the spiritual. And, the spiritual starts with a good heart. |