A: All I have is the following story, told by one of my teachers during a halacha class. My site is not actually related to your question.

Moshe Montefiore was a fabulously wealthy and philanthropic Jew who lived in the mid-1800's. He realized that he could not allow his enormous wealth to go to his head or to damage his midos. He had a coffin brought in to his house. Every day, he would go into the coffin and, while inside, say to himself, "Moshe, it's one day closer to the end." This way, he used to remind himself every day that he was going to die and had no reason to be arrogant or otherwise dehumanized by wealth, fame or power. Rav Zimmerman softly said, "Ah ha," as if he were Montefiore speaking to himself, just before "Moshe, it's one day closer to the end," to personalize the message and make it real, and to emphasize to us in the shiur that the message is for all of us.

Rabbi Forsythe

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I dont know what i should do about this issue. I'm hanging around right now bc theres no one to date around here with my requirements but i dont want to give up something so important to me, and its very frustrating and upsetting! Any ideas?

A: BS"D

Why don't you move to Eretz Yisroel. Stands to reason that boys who want to live there - are living there.

Hatzlocha,

Rabbi Forsythe

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[writer from Vilna, Lithuania] I have enjoyed the great wealth of information in your website. I was interested to know, what is the relationship in Judaism to a man and his wife after they are niftar. Are they spiritually reunited in Olam Habo?

A: With the help of Heaven

I am fascinated by hearing from Vilna. I wonder if you know how rich the heritage of Jewish Vilna is: the Gaon, Chayim Ozer Grodzinski, among many others. Is there a record of where these people lived?

To your question. A person and the zivug rishon (main or "basherte"/predestined mate) are united eternally in olam habo and one of their main jobs in life is to help each other to come to olam habo by supporting each other spiritually.

After one is niftar, the laws of availus apply to the survivor for thirty days. A woman cannot marry during the first ninety days. If she is nursing, she cannot marry for twenty four months if she is Ashkenaz, two years if she is Sefardi (the difference is if there is a leap year, when this would mean twenty five months).

When one gets married, certain relatives are forbidden to marry forever after the wedding. Most relatives are forbidden after the death of the deceased spouse. A man can marry the sister of his wife after the wife dies - the Torah only prohibits the sister of one's wife during her lifetime. Once the wife dies, her sister is permitted to the husband.

As long as there has been no re-marriage, laws requiring honor still apply for the deceased's relatives; although it is commendable to continue respectful treatment when there is interaction with the deceased's relatives.

It is considered appropriate to remarry when one is ready. If the man has not fulfilled the mitzva to have enough children, he is required to marry. A zivug rishon is the one to be buried with.

If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site.

With best wishes,

RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE

email: shemayisrael.com/rabbiforsythe

[the following is a continuation of the previous communication]

Q: Rabbi Forsythe,

Thank you for the extremely fast reply. The Vilna Goan zt"l used to live in the part which is the known as the old city in Vilnius. Where his house is, there is a sign in yiddish, dos iz vu der vilna goan ein mol gelebt. (Saying it from memory, not sure). There is also a sculpture of him outside. The street where his house is, is also named after him being called Goanas.

http://www.ou.org/publications/ja/5759winter/leiman.htm

This webpage has details concerning the burial place of the Vilna Goan, and the moving of his grave.

I am sure there are records of where other gedolim used to live.

At present, in Vilna, there is a shliach from Chabad, and there is Ma'ariv and Shacharis services on Shabbes, and Shacharis and Mincha during the week at the Vilnius Choral Synogogue. (There are only two functioning synogogues, being the Vilnius Choral Synogogue, and the Kaunas (Kovno) synogogue. The Great Synogogue in Vilna, that was built in 1575 was destroyed in 1944.

I am actually now in ihr hakodesh, and have came here 3 months ago.

I was interested to know if the zivug rishon would be eternally united in Olam Habo. Halacha L'meisa I do know, I was just interested in knowing the relationship in Judaism of the person being reunited eternally with the Zivug Rishon. Also, I would assume that you cannot know that the person you marry is your pre-destined bashert, which was announced by the bas kol. So when two people marry, the are by definition each others Bashert, and would be considered Zivug rishon?

As stated in Gemarah in Sota, 40 days before the child is conceived there is a bas kol that announces his bashert. But, I would imagine that men usually marry zivug which is much younger then them, how can the bas kol predict in advanced that so and so will have a daughter?

Thanks

A: BS"D

Time is only in olam hazeh. There is no time in Shomayim. So a woman being a different age than a man is no dilemma - Heaven knows everything and time is only relevant to life in our present world.

All the best,

Rabbi Forsythe

-------------------------

I have two questions:

(1) Regarding the Torah verse concerning not mixing linen and wool: Does this mean that no two fabrics can be woven together, or just the specific linen/wool combo? If it means more than is written in Torah, please share with me how we know that something like a cotton/poly mix is unacceptable.

(2) Regarding the Laws of Nidah: I am about to be engaged (Baruch HaShem!), and we, obviously, want to set a wedding date. My soon-to-be fiance's monthly cycle is not always the same length, so how do we go about approximating a proper wedding date months in the future. Certainly, we would not consumate the marriage until she was ritually clean, but what happens if the wedding date comes and she has not completed nidah? I'm sure there is an easy answer to this that we are not thinking of, as this decision regarind Jewish weddings has been made for thousands of years.

Thank you

A: BS"D

The main prohibition is mixing fibers of animal and plant origin. Since polyfiber is man-made, no prohibition relates to it. Combinations that do not mix animal and plant derived fibers are not forbidden by the Torah. There is a rabbinic prohibition of fibers not woven together but being in the same garmant say, one part wool and a separate part linen. The Steipler would not sit on a railroad seat that had sha'atnez, even though he was not "wearing" the seat.

The second question must be asked of a rov in-person. It is not for the internet. It would require a rov speaking in detail with your kalah.

Mazal tov and hatzlacha,

Rabbi Forsythe

-------------------------

Thanks!

A: BS"D

That is the merit of the Jewish women in the story of the Golden Calf: everyone was asked but no women complied.

With best wishes,

Rabbi Forsythe

-------------------------

I found your site to be helpful and very informative and I enjoyed it very much.

I am a born into a Buddhist family but a free thinker by choice. My ex-boyfriend however, is jewish. For the past 18 months, we were involved in a long-distant relationship. I live in S'pore, he in New York. We started our like that so I guess we managed it somewhat. We communicate well, we are totally honest with each other. In many many ways, we compliment and augment each other. Between us, there is a very strong emotional bond; we have an unspoken understaning and empathy.

We broke-up slightly more than a month ago because of his inability to commit. In short, there is no problems with fulfilling his role as a husband or a father. It's that he is 'afraid' of having to think of the family in every single decision that he makes henceforth. And he is afraid of 'forever'.

He'll be 46 in January, was involved in many relationships before me but never married. For me, I've just turned 25. He is my second boyfriend and I was really hopeing that he would be the last before marriage.

This breakup literally shattered me; but it also made me understand his priorities in life and his innermost personality. He is seeking therapy for his condition. But as of now, the chances of him entering into a partnership or coupling arrangement is slim.

He is on the verge of bankrupcy and in his own words, have a lousy present and no future. He loves me. We love each other very much. It's just that the 'timing' is not right. He also said that it's not his choice to let me go. He's just 'forced' into the situation where he must given the circumstances.

Material wealth does not matter to me. He knows it right from the start. I've been paying for my trips to NYC and he's never came to visit me once. I've paid for the majority of the phone bills. And I did my best to make this relationship work. It didn't unfortunately.

We are still keeping in touch. We talk on the phone on a different level; to keep each other updated about what's going on etc.

I don't have a specific question to ask. Or if I did, it'll probably be whether or not he will want to start a family with me. But rather, I would like to ask for your opinion and advice.

Thank you.

A: With the help of Heaven

The first question I have is why do you pursue the unattainable? It is not healthy nor realistic to be so emotionally involved in anyone who cannot function in a real relationship. Instead of suffering a broken heart, why don't you explore therapeutically why you are so attracted to, and stuck on, a "dead end" - instead of wasting your time focusing on his problems (which you are not going to solve). He might not solve them either. But your choices ARE in your control, if you want them to be. My advice: move on and forget him.

Sincerely,

Rabbi Forsythe

-------------------------

Let me start by congratulating you about such a great site. I read a good deal of advice from your site, and I have learned a lot about myself, and also about what to look for in somebody. It is a large site, yet every piece of it is highly relevant.

I hope that I am not rude to ask an abstract question on this website, given that I am not Jewish yet. On top of that, now I am exploring Reform Judaism, so you would probably have another reason not to answer me, given that Orthodox people do not recognize Reform as a valid movement, or so I have heard.

Right now I am in the process of trying to learn more, and I have a question about relationships that bothers me, even though the question might sound quite simple. When I was friends with some Christians some time ago, they all said that the guy should try to "fall" for the woman, in the sense that when you get into a serious relationship with a Christian woman you should do what she says without having too much independence. Needless to say this does not always happen with non-Jews, and then my friends said that the relationship is quite shallow, i.e. the relationship is just a convenience, like having someone to support you or someone so that you are not alone.

In my conception, if the relationship tends to something serious like a healthy marriage, then it is normal to be some dependency on the other person. However, I do not think that this dependency should be total, because if each person becomes too dependent on the other person, then you are not able to help the other person when something unexpected shows up. Here I talk from the experience of a person who has more failed relationships than I should probably talk about, and all of them were Christian women, or at least non-Jewish.

All my relationships had the same failure pattern: first the woman is nice to me, and then she becomes too dependent on me, and then she becomes too dependent that she complains when I do any small thing wrong, and that was usually the point where I saw no reason to continue it, and I ended it, always painfully for the other person. I always tried to help them and be nice to them, so I am still in the process of seeing if there is something consistently wrong that I doing.

So, I am wondering for myself: do you you think that it is good for the partners to try to encourage each other to be as independent as possible, or do you think that the purpose is to build a "controlled dependency," so that they can still change if necessary, but in the same time to build a link that will last through time, which is what the marriage is supposed to be?

Thank you very much

A: With the help of Heaven,

We do not recognize Reform Judaism as any authentic movement. It is a rebellion from Judaism, not a component of it; it specializes in what to drop, not what to observe. To convert to a non-entity is a contradiction. Did you ever study and understand your native religion?

Marriage should balance dependence and independence. Each should have a distinct personality and nature, being allied as partners in common goals in life, particularly, raising a moral family and practicing together the seven universal commandments. Those non-Jews who are committed to these seven commandments are considered righteous by G-d. No conversion is necessary, just full-time adoption of these in every-day life.

It is G-d's will that mankind fulfill the "seven commandments of the descendants of Noah." These constitute minimal religious requirements, in the eyes of G-d, for all who are not Jewish.

In brief, I will summarize the basics of the seven universal commandments, which aren't necessarily the same as the more famous "Ten Commandments."

1. To believe only in One G-d, invisible and infinite, sole authority and creator, and to not believe in nor serve in any way any other entity, whether with belief in G-d also or without belief in G-d also.

2. Not to say anything bad against G-d e.g. blasphemy, vulgarity, to curse or deny Him.

3. Not to murder, including abortion, mercy killing of someone fatally ill, trapping or tying a person and leaving him subject to danger or starvation. One can kill someone chasing another who threatens to kill (the one pursued) if there is no way to stop the pursuer other than by killing. This is only to save the victim from being killed. If the pursuer could be stopped without killing (e.g. wounding), killing the pursuer would be murder.

4. Forbidden relations including with certain close family members (whether by blood or by marriage, even after the death of the blood relative), adultery, relations with an animal or a male with another male whether a male adult or child.

5. Prohibition of theft of anything worth any amount, whether sneaky (e.g. burglary or embezzlement) or in the open (e.g. armed robbery or snatching a woman's necklace), whether stealing property (e.g. money or objects) or a person (i.e. kidnapping) or causing damages, whether by taking what someone else has or withholding what you have but which someone else has the right to (e.g. not paying an employee or creditor on time or not working during time when you are being paid to work).

6. Do not tear off and eat the limb or meat of a living animal (this is a prototype of prohibition to do anything that is cruel or barbaric).

7. Set up a system of courts to enforce the above and maintain a civil society.

There are many details pertaining to the above. There are also miscellaneous matters. For some examples: when one is in trouble or in need of something, it is appropriate to pray to G-d; one's overall conduct with others should be courteous, pleasant and honorable; one should constantly have and express appreciation to G-d for the gifts and benefits He gives; if one has done a sin, one should repent and commit himself promptly to never doing the wrong again.

In direct correlation to one's fulfillment of his obligations in the service of G-d, and living a righteous and spiritual life, one creates what his own eternity will be. It is not a matter of salvation. It is a matter living to serve G-d, doing His will at every moment during earthly life - especially at times of test, in the way that accords with whether one is a Jew or non-Jew. Each individual himself is responsible for what is in store for him, by his own making. Heaven's judgement is fair, precise and truthful; the ramifications eternal.

Sincerely,

----------------------------------

Question: Dear Rabbi,

I've been married almost 3 years. It is the 2nd marriage for both my husband and me. We both have custody of our children from our first marriages. (We have no children together). So there have been a lot of issues with the children and blending families, etc. I do not ask his kids to do anything except clean up after themselves and I don't punish them. They do very little around the house and they are growing up to be princesses (they're 14 & 16). But the biggest problem is that my husband is verbally and emotionally abusive. We had been going to counseling for a couple of months, and the counselor said that until the abuse stopped, she could not really help us with our marriage. The abuse has gotten a little better, i.e. it's less frequent (once or twice a month instead of once or twice a week). I've read things on your site, and a lot of books about Jewish marriage, shalom bayis, verbal and emotional abuse, etc. I've spoken to my rabbi, who doesn't really understand emotional abuse. My husband always puts me down. When I tell him that I feel bad about something, rather than understanding and apologizing, he gets meaner. This is not the kind of marriage I expected or want. He is very disrespectful and he puts his kids first, and I think that a wife should come before the kids (in general). Sometimes I feel like a live-in maid. He never assumes responsibility for his behavior. He rarely apologizes and when the fight is over, he acts as if it was nothing. He's whistling and having a good time, while I'm in our room crying. If we try to have a regular conversation about the situation at home, he ends up yelling and cursing at me. I try not to take it personally, but I feel bad that this is the type of marriage we have. I wonder if my emotional needs will ever be met. My stepchildren are rude and disrespectful to me and I think it's partly because he is (partly because they're teenagers). I don't know what to do. Each time we get into a fight, I'm upset for days because I feel like it's all the previous fights piled up. I know we need counseling but he won't go, for one reason or another (i.e., the counselor is Litvich, not Chassidic; the Rabbi doesn't know anything about psychology; etc.) There's always a reason. I used to be a strong, self-confident woman and now I second-guess everything I say or do. I wonder if he misheard a tone I said something in (I try to say things with a nice tone, but I am always criticized). Please help. I cannot live like this much longer. Thank you.

A: BS"D

You are in a genuine dilemma. A Jewish marriage is designed to complete a person and give him or her a full life - not to be a cause of pain, drain or humiliation.

I recommend that you look at my site, Shalom Bayis section, subsites:

For When a Marriage Gets Stuck
Dealing With An Emotionally Abusive Partner
Handling Fights And Anger In Marriage

and selected parts of the Family Relationship section.

What I would say to you is in there - and more. If your husband can't make you a priority - and make you feel secure that you are, I'll bet this is somewhat related to why his first marriage failed. My sense is that he will criticize and evade anything he does not want to hear and you will get nowhere unless you are strong enough to decide 1. if staying with him is worthwhile and 2. make whatever move is necessary to apply your conviction in #1. Thank G-d you don't have children together. This makes quitting, if necessary, easier. You are under no obligation to suffer or be treated one-sidedly. Any marriage requires work by both sides to get along peacefully and to pleasing each other on a nonstop basis. You have to either decide the marriage is worth it as it is or cut your losses and let him know - in no uncertain terms - the relationship is either getting fixed or terminated. You cannot be subtle or equivocal with someone like you are describing. You do not have to have additional mistreatment from his children. He and his children all owe you respect. You deserve to be made to feel by them that you are a full-flegged human being. You should not have to feel like everything you do is being judged or criticized, or nervous about making any move or expressing your feelings.

There are some articles in "For When a Marriage Gets Stuck" that deal with your type of situation. The only way someone like you describe is made to work on the marriage is to be shown clearly that (s)he is at real risk of losing it. Or, you have to build a life on your own, reconciling that you cannot count on him to make you happy.

I would really have to hear his side to the story to advise you. Realize that I can only go by the one side of the story that you have said. The ideal is to work together to make a successful marriage. If he can be made to see that you are serious and strong, perhaps - and only perhaps - he will be motivated to work with you to make the marriage survive. If not you will have to decide whether you want to stick it out and make a life on your own staying married or do what you have to so you can feel like a human being as you see fit.

If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site.

With best wishes,

RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE

shemayisrael.com/rabbiforsythe

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Question: Good afternoon Rabbi Forsythe,

I have been communicating with a Sephardic man for quite some time now. We have met, dated, and seem to have become quite fond of eachother. We have wonderful conversations together, discussing G-d, we enjoy reading to eachother, enjoy eachothers company, and many other varied activities. And, we are both divorced, with children, and over 45.

The subject of marriage has now erupted between us, hence my question to you: My feelings for this man are truly genuine, as I sense his are for me. I am concerned however, not being a jewess, that I will not be accepted into his Jewish community. He has asked that I not convert - so my concern surrounds issues of his being outcast. Please comment - I need some advice here.

Thank you,

Victoria

A: With the help of Heaven,

Dear Victoria,

You astutely noticed that marriage does not only mean marrying an individual, one also marries an entire family, a set of in-laws, personalities and complications.

Further, marriage itself is a weighty bundle of responsibilities, demanding much patience, giving, communication, confict resolution, sharing, handling life's burdens and pressures.

When undertaking marriage, a couple must share the same methods for living life, the same world-views and culture. To the extent that they do not have fundamentals of life in common, to the extent that they have elements in their situation that can lead to friction, the couple faces an uphill battle.

The contemporary divorce rate is about 60%. The romance wears off and then "real life" sinks in. You are confronted with difficulties, stress, discomfort and challenges that make a couple show their true character, and when obstacles to compatibility come out during "real life" events, that is when the weaknesses come to the forefront, often at the ugliest of times. When relatives meddle or resent a match or make trouble, it can be beyond endurance, can damage a marriage beyond repair and often destroy the marriage altogether. If he would be an outcast, sooner or later, ties to his family will tug at him, family milestones will occur and he will be ill at ease with being distant. It sounds like there is much room for conflict and trouble.

Therefore, it is probable that, in "long run" practical terms, it is biting off too much. When couples are built on the greatest measure of commonality, and coming from the closest possible backrounds that their prospects for happiness and endurance as a couple are greatest.

Sincerely,

Rabbi Forsythe

[this is a continuation of the previous]

Rabbi Forsythe,

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. Let me just say that I am very well acquainted with the potential struggles and hardships that a marriage presents for any couple, Jewish or not. I too, have pointed out these very cautions to my Mischa, with the response........"I know that, and I still want to marry you".

Please, I need more than cautions.

Victoria

A: With the help of Heaven,

Dear Victoria,

Not knowing either of you, I can only talk from my experience and that of other colleagues.

Although the general divorce rate is about 60%, the divorce rate among intermarried couples is about 75% within two to seven years. This is not "mere cautions." There are obviously reasons why this is so.

If for example, many are cases in which one is rebelling against his original religion or intermarries to punish one or both parents for some emotional or practical hurt the parent(s) caused. In such cases, the other is being used by the first one's ego to act out the rebellion, making the other an object. It is not possible to trust such a person because he loves the escape or revenge the relationship provides. When the other's needs, as a person, come into issue, when the relationship no longer suits the underlying psychological needs, or is too inconvenient or is too demanding upon the person or his/her fragile emotional reserves, the relationship is no longer worthwhile and goes into decline and can break down altogether. A woman in such a position could never be sure if the man has genuine love for her, desire to break with religion, or teach his parents a lesson. It can be a dangerous situation that can start out happy for a short time and then become an exercise in frustration and pain. There could be an initial emotional attraction but in the end, it doesn't pay, it has no reality or substance.

It is a very strong possibility that he will be an outcast from some or all of his family if he marries you. This can be particularly pronounced at times of family milestone or crisis, such as a wedding or funeral. When a family-time brings such a situation to the surface, this has for many people in an intermarriage been very painful and bitter. Further, one may become interested in their religion when some such life event happens. This pressures the relationship and can put seriouys distancing between the two. With all of the stresses that destroy marriages in general, and the higher probability of relationship damage presented if a couple is intermarried, many end up feeling in the end that they would have been better off if they would have overcome their initial desires and emotions, including strong feelings and attraction that they have for each other.

Some of the most righteous, scholarly and heroic Jews throughout our four thousand year history have been converts or descendants of them. The entire Biblical book of Ruth is about an extraordinarily righteous convert. Her great-grandson is quite well known: King David, author of the majority of the Biblical book of Psalms. His son was King Solomon, who wrote three books of the Bible: Song Of Songs, Ecclesiastes and most of the book of Proverbs. Many of the most esteemed scholars quoted in the Talmud, the record of Jewish legal and ethical tradition, were converts or descendants of them. About three hundred years ago, a famous martyr was killed in Poland for his devotion to Judaism for converting, when he would not return to his original faith. Among our daily prayers, special mention is made asking G-d to be compassionate to and to reward sincere converts.

A beth din [religious court] would not do a conversion on the grounds of the applicant wanting to marry a Jew. This is because terms for allowing an applicant to become Jewish include total and unconditional commitment to observing Judaism, with all of its laws, rituals, customs, ethics and hardships. Conversion requires pure acceptance of the service of G-d as defined by Torah [Jewish teachings]. Converting for the sake of marriage is invalid, since there isn't pure and total intent to serve Torah for the rest the applicant's life. If, after conversion, the convert wanted to marry a Jew, both would have to be religious. If the applicant would not be committed from the start to only marrying a religious Jew, and permanently living an uncompromisingly observant life, the applicant would not be accepted as valid for conversion. Often, when a Jew loves a non-Jew, who manages to convert [e.g. the Jew is religious and meets a non-Jew or non-Jewess and the latter is authentically interested in Judaism], repeated experience often shows that the Jew's love for the non-Jew[ess] disappears after conversion. Forbidden fruit is always sweeter. The grass is always greener on the other side.

Any children of a non-Jewish mother are not accepted as Jewish. Intermarriage is a sin in Judaism. If a person can sin in one thing, he could sin in any thing because there are no moral foundation nor absolutes. This means the person has no system for right and wrong, good and bad, what one can do and what one should not do. They would tend to judge by emotion and subjectivity, making them more vulnerable to the frailties of human nature, and to the lack of consistency and responsibility in life. This can take a toll on one's reliability as a spouse.

Then, there can be questions of your religious beliefs. Since I don't know them, again, I shall speak from experience.

1. Do you believe in your religion? 2. Do you believe that you have to abide by your religion to get to Heaven? 3. Do you love him? 4. If you love him, you only want the best for him, you want him to go to Heaven and, without sharing your religion, your religion teaches that he won't go to Heaven with you. According to what your religion teaches, one of you would be going one way and one the other way. The chances are great you won't end up with him. You won't be on the same road together.

Judaism teaches, "Who is wise? The one who considers the outcome before deciding or doing." Accordingly, what is wise must consider the long run. In your case, this includes this earthly world and eternal life.

Sincerely,

Rabbi Forsythe

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Question: dear Rabbi Forsythe,

I am feeling a great sadness and pain due to my past which affects the present. I thought about talking with a rabbi from my town, but i feel its a private issue. i will try to write it although I'm ashamed of it. rabbi, you must to excuse me about my writing - i am trying my best.

i have been a shomeret mitzvot all of my life, but over the years i got stronger - and tried to be better. for example, all of my life i had worn pants because my parents didn't tell me not to - and i didn't understand why it is necessary to wear skirts. i thoght that as long as i behave in a modest way my clothes don't matter...but about four month ago, i had realized how much importance there is in wearing skirts and I'm proud of myself for doing that change. i intend to get stronger, and to do the best that i can to get away from my yezter hara - and so I'm trying every day. My problem has got to do with my past, i did a terrible thing. i am crying while writing this because i feel sorry for myself knowing there is no coming back. i live in a "non-religious" society, that affected me very much. it is natural in that society to have a boy-friend in a young age, and the opposite isn't normal. So, wanting to be like everyone else who is normal, i wanted a boy-friend, and got one- in high school. i took care of myself not to do the forbitten thing - and so it was. we broke up, and after a while i met a new guy from school - i loved him very much. and for the first time in my life i found out what is it a real "shmirat maga" - it was wonderful, i felt good with myself. but i realized that i cant get married so young, and that we cannot be like that for a long time so we broke up thinking we will meet again - a thing that had never took place. after this i was in a great sadness - feeling lonley...and i searched for love almost madly, without paying attention to that. now i understand how bad is it to have boyfriends at this age...but it is too late. however, i found another love a year later, and i was certain that i will marry this man after some years - yes, i was naive. i knew he wanted it very much, but still it was silly of me to think that its a good thing to be in a long relationship before marriage. i must say first that in school we learned about the jewish relationship and halhchot...i was interested in that issue and tried to know more about the prohibition of not having s.. before marriage. i understood the reason for that halacha, but thought to myself wrongly that in the eyes of the Tora and G-d its not so terrible - and i learned it from the halach about the kohen, who cannot marry a zona, and the defination of zona is halala or divorced etc. but not someone who did it before marriage. i was a stupid young girl who thought that its not so important, and that in our generation its impossible to avoid it until after marriage. thinking that he is my future husband, and that its impossible to avoid it i did the biggest mistake of my life - i cant even say it clearly...i didnt control myself and have been with him. i guess that the "shmirat hamaga" that i had with the ex boy-friend got me into a more dangerous & sensitive situation. anyway, i felt bad with myself all the time, and since he was religious too, he understood me. then my mother, who doesn't know that i did such a thing, told me he isn't for me - too late i thought. i fought her so much because i thought that if she knew i did it with him she will agree with me and tell me that its ok - because there's no choice now. but after i realized my mother hated his family so much - and she explained to me that i need someone more smart etc - i opened my eyes and agreed with her. i understood that i cant let the past control my present and future so i broke up from him and told myself i wont have a boyfriend until i will be ready for marriage. but the worst of all had happened, and im sorry about it with all of my heart. i feel that i have to do something for a pardon\kapara, and i dont know what to do - i wont do it again, and i wont touch any boy before marriage, but i feel it isnt enough - what can i do in order to have peace again?

Another question. is when i will meet a guy should i tell him that im not virgin? or lie all of my life, knowing that i am doing rightly now - and that's what matters? and what about cohanim? can i marry with a cohen, or i must not do it? i found out i was wrong, and that there are some hahachmim that say zona is someone that did it before marriage, and if the husband didn't know about it before marriage its ok. i am aware of the fact that i dont know that much about the issue, and thats why i am writing this letter. last night i cried all night because of the sadness this thing does to me.i hope you would help me, because i cant think of anybody else except of G-d - maybe you will be his "shalich" for me. thanking you for reading, and waiting for a reply.

A: BS"D

You are on the correct path. One of the steps of tshuvah [repentence] is harata [remorse], to feel bad so that you will never do the avaira [sin] again.

If the man you were with was a Jew, you might be able to marry a Kohain and you might not. You may certainly NOT marry a Kohain if the man was a non-Jew. Since it depends on many details, you have to ask a rav who you can talk to in person because when a woman was with a man, there are various halachic issues that go into forming a reply, so I cannot answer this for you about marrying a Kohain.

You also have to speak about the other question in person with a rav to find out when and whether to reveal that you are not a virgin. I can give you a basic idea but you must not consider this psak halacha, which you must speak to a rav in person for. This is based on a general principle for when one "owes" a revelation of a secret to a shidduch (e.g. health problem, troublesome background, etc.). You probably must tell a man that you are not a virgin but you tell him at a "middle time." What I mean by "middle" is that you should not tell him in the beginning of a relationship. Perhaps nothing serious will develop and you must not discuss something so private. However, you must not wait until someone is emotionally involved because this will hurt him, which is not allowed. You tell "in the middle," when you see that there is some serious possiblity, but the potential is not yet developed and before there is emotional involvement. A man has the right to choose whether he will accept or reject you. The man who is right for you will appreciate your other ma'alot, as long as you did tshuvah shlaimah. The midrash says that your true zivug will accept you, so do not worry. About revealing your situation to men who you date, ask this as a question to a rav and do what he says. Stay away from men altogether until you are ready to be serious and marry. Don't worry about other girls having boy-friends. Worry about yourself having Olam Haba.

You should use your bad feelings in a positive way - to motivate you to accept Hashem's Torah, to obey halacha, to work on good midot, to learn Torah every week, to pray morning and afternoon every day, to have a rav or haham and to ask him questions, when you have them. Make a point to learn in the subjects in which you were weak. Understand and learn about the related inyanim, such as mikva, taharat hamishpacha, negiya, tzneeyut, yichud, onesh for avairot, yirat Shamayim, tshuvah, zivugim, etc. Obtain chizuk. Make religious friends and spend time, especially shabat and yom tov, with them or with rabbis. Keep busy with good things that the Torah allows and which make you feel good about yourself and your avodat Hashem. Can you do hesed, volunteer for an organization that does kiruv rechokim, raise money for tzadaka, etc.? Adding mitzvot will clear your mind and make you feel that you can come back to purity in Hashem's eyes, especially 1. if you do this on a regular basis and 2. if it is in things that help Hashem's people. Hashem loves His people like a father loves his children. Therefore, Hashem loves when we do good for other Jews.

You are allowed to marry who you want. You do not have to obey parents in who to marry or not marry. Kibud av ve'em does NOT apply in shidduchim. You marry who is good for you. If you think that man and you can be serious, it is 100% permissible to pursue a shidduch with him, if both of you will both act "al pee Torah" from now on and be good to each other, have kavod and shalom, and raise children together in the way of Torah.

Do not stop yourself from learning and growing. If your pain stops your avodat Hashem, it is the yaitzer hora. If it helps your avodat Hashem, it is yaitzer hatov. There is no purpose to suffering unless it helps you to raise your madraiga. There is a mitzva to have rachamanut for Jews. This includes for yourself - if your remain in tshuva and stay away from avaira and go in the Torah way from now on.

Say perakim 6, 20, 25, 32, 38, 51, 62, 86, 121, 130, 131 and 142 in Tehilim every day for 12 months, with kavana.

I wish you hatzlaha. I am sure you will do fine after a little time. It will take some hard work, but you will put this behind you and become happy inside your self. If you do what I say, and if you stay faithful to Torah, you will become a different person. Your reward for tshuvah will be great. When you get to the point where you are living a pure Torah life and have separated from the past, you will be clean and loved in the eyes of Hashem. Since you will have so many ma'alot, the right man will consider you a matana from Hashem.

If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site.

With best wishes,

RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE

email: shemayisrael.com/rabbiforsythe

[this is a continuation of the previous]

Q: bs"D

i wanted to thank you for your answer...i feel much better about it. and i am trying to do what you told me. i am going to "shioray tora", and trying to do "gmiloot hasadim"...and more. it was a wise advice, and for that im saying again thanks.

rabi; i have another question - if you can help me. i dont know if its good or bad - but i was in a glat chat (for dateem), and i started talkind with a "haredy" guy. and the conversation was excellent...so we talked again...and one day we decided to talk on the phone. we are still talking - and i told him about me, and so does he. although the fact that we grow up differently, i find that his way of thinking and mine are alike. we talked seriously about marrige to know if its possible, and we decided that it could be possible with an effort, and that we should meet before. we sent pic` of each other - and still want to meet. now, i didnt tell my family about it, but he does (he didnt say we met in the web but told them about me) i think that he finds in me good midot , and im happy for it. i had promissed to myself to tell him about my "big secret" which you and i talked about, after our first meeting if we will like each other. i feel that my parents will get crazy if they will see his beard...they will say to me that i got crazy. i like him, and i dont know where it is going to. he told me to decide where we will meet and when. i understood from him that he had 2 shidoochim in a hotel...i dont understand why they did it there. i dont want to do something that wont be good for him, i dont want to affect his emona and tohar hamidot - if you think that there is something that isnt right from what i told you - i have to know. what do you think about it? is it "kasher" to do something like that? it is very important to me. i will wait.

Thanks and hag porim samech

A: BS"D

The advantage of a hotel lobby is that there is no problem of yichud and you can generally sit and talk without being bothered.

I want you to take this slowly. Take time to get to know each other. Spend time to see if you get along, if you please each other, communicate, have compatible goals and hashkafot, Do not act rushed or feel desperate. Find out about him. Go to my Zivug section, the subsite on Lashon Hora & Information-Seeking in Shuduchim. Use the ideas there and find out about him. Never get serious about someone until you have seen him in nesyonot to see if he handles stress or provocation with midot tovot. Do not rush to tell him your secret, try to find out if he is makpid on such things. I told you to speak to a rav who you can discuss the matter with. It is possible that if he would not care, or would respect you either way, a rav might poskin that you do not have to tell. If, for example, he is a ba'al tshuva he might expect girls today to not be a virgin. Speak to a rav. If he would be makpid, you could be mechuyav to tell him before he would get emotionally involved.

Do not worry about your family. Worry more about checking him out effectively, getting to see if you get along, like and respect each other. Be careful to stay away from yichud. Pray to Hashem to guide you to the right person, at the right time, in the way Hashem sees to be the best and to know when the right man comes. If you have reason to believe a man is right, and that he will live with you al pi Torah, you can marry who is good for you - there is no kibud av ve'aim in choosing who to marry. But be careful, your family may have some wise advice or experience, so listen nicely to what they say and appreciate their interest, but you do not have to take orders from them about marriage.

Hatzlacha raba,

Rabbi Forsythe

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Dear rabbi Forsythe Just read your article in the jewish press. about loud "music" at simchas and would like to thank you very much for bringing this problem to people's attention. i have for a long time complained about this, my wife thinks i'm foolish , but when i sit at the table with guests whom i have not seen for a long time , iwould like to carry on a conversation. Rabbi , it is so bad that i cannot even talk with the person sitting next to me, let alone at the other end of the table! it is a pity , because the host is spending a fortune and has no idea that his guests are not really enjoying themselves. Again , thanks for this and all your other wonderful articles. I have sent a copy of your article to a baal -simcha , whose wedding i am invited to next week, and i am curious if it will have any effect. at any rate , i certainly hope to discuss this with other guests and hear their comments. again, thanks for all the wonderful work you are doing.

A: BS"D

Thank you for the statement of support. It is important for me to know that I am addressing issues of community-wide consequence, especially when there is genuine widespread danger to the public. Part Three, B'Ezras HaShem, will describe the serious medical damage of loud amplification, based on interviews with four ear doctors and four audiologists. Please spread the word, warn people making or attending events, and keep copies of the series for ongoing use.

I honestly feel the more it becomes an issue, the more this uphill battle might get somewhere constructive. Any work in this area makes the one who does it an instrument for public service and service of Hashem. Just this past shabos a neighbor who saw my last two installments said he wanted to fund raise to have them re-printed And put up as posters in Jewish communities [I don't know if it will happen but the feelings against loudness are indeed rumbling out there]. Be assured that anyone who offers any form of strength or contribution will be rewarded. The last chapter of Choshen Mishpot says that anyone who works to stop the damaging of Jews will be greatly blessed.

Thank you again,

Rabbi Forsythe

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Your articles on loud music were excellent. I believe you should put them together in a booklet and mail it ot every Rov. A mesader kiddushin should insist that attendees at a wedding he officiates at should not be assaulted by damaging music. Is it possible to a get a copy of the full series of articles.

Again yasher kocahachem for this public service.

Shmuel Foxman

A: BS"D

Dear Shmuel,

Firstly, the entire series is on my website. Go to the Interpersonal Mitzvos section, then to "Sensitivity And Not Harming." It is in there. Response was significant and included input from doctors. I plan, in the near future, to add more from the new material.

Secondly, you can download the material to send to appropriate people: a mesader kidushin, someone who is making a simcha who will hire a band, guest invited to a simcha who should be warned. Make whatever efforts it takes to aggressively spread the word against loud amplification and the dangers and issurim of noise.

Do you know anyone who can either help me get a publisher or who will fund private publication and mailings? Thank you for your interest and enthusiasm.

If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site.

With best wishes,

RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE

email: shemayisrael.com/rabbiforsythe

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Communication: I would very much like to learn from you regarding your research you did on how loud noise does damage to the ear. My son has been complaining that he had hearing loss from loud sounds and it is making it very difficult to cope in school. The doctors don't find anything obvious. I would like either counseling for my son or put me in contact with the Audiologists that you spoke to.

Looking forward to hear from you.

A: BS"D

Where are you geographically located? The main idea is to get to ENTs [ear nose throat] doctors who either specialize in the ear or who are at the head of their class e.g. train other doctors, head of ear dept. of a hospital or lots of experience with inner ear damage.

The problems can be subtle, the inner ear is not well understood. One dr., head of an ear dept. at a hospital put it to me this way, "The inner ear is smarter than I am." You can go to several doctors who will say they can find or do nothing and then go to one who will tell you something meaningful. Often, inner ear conditions cannot be helped or you may have to try many things that sometimes help some people but not everybody. One of the difficulties with inner ear conditions is that their treatments are apparently less "cause and effect" than others. For infection you take antibiotic X for Y number of days and it's over. For inner ears, you can try things. One works for this person but not that person and helps halfway for a third person; one is cured by treatment for two weeks and another is helped a slight percent after a year and a half of treatment. Some conditions just cannot be helped ever. That is one of the main motivating factors for my series. This is a major and damaging problem and no one wants to recognize it or do anything meaningful.

You need a local expert. Audiologists can give some explanation but it is a top notch doctor who is an ear specialist needed to get anything done. You might need to see several till you find one who can identify a problem and suggest something. Also try nutritionists since vitamins, minerals or herbs can sometimes help inner ear health.

If you could, please write the editors of the Jewish Press about your son and having seen my article. Call attention to how your experience shows the truly and significantly damaging nature of loud amplification, and that my series is a "wake up call" to strongly and realistically address it. If your letter is published, the added attention called to the subject might drum up momentum to fight this loudness plague.

Get to a top, well-recommended, highly experienced ear doctor in your vicinity for your son and spread the word aggressively about how damaging loudness is. Send copies of my series to people making or attending simchas, to rebbes who should teach young talmidim that loudness is harmful [and not "laibadig"] and to koshruss supervisors who might withdraw hechsher from halls if they don't limit loudness to safe volume levels.

If you would like, or feel I can further help, you are welcome write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "CONTACT" site.

Hope you find the right shaliyach and that your son has a refua shlaima. With best wishes,

RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE

email: shemayisrael.com/rabbiforsythe

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Q: I read your article in the February 9 issue of The Jewish Press regarding loud music at weddings. Let me relate our personal experience that looks at another side of this issue. (By the way, my husband is one of those who wears ear plugs to weddings.) We live in Baltimore, MD where there is not a large choice of bands. We made a wedding for our daughter several years ago. When we were speaking to the band leader the night before the wedding, I requested that he not play too loudly. He said that "artistically" he has to play loudly. Since I am not assertive and I definitely was not thinking on my feet (and my son-in-law's parents had contracted with the musicians), I didn't say anything about perhaps withholding payment etc. if we felt like we were going deaf during the wedding and they didn't respond. Perhaps if the musicians were approached by our community leaders they would respond and not only create a healthier environment but also a more enjoyable affair.

A: BS"D

Thank you for writing. Make a condition with musicians when hiring, that you completely control volume or they don't get paid. This "artistic" line is baloney. No one has a right to make a living damaging or annoying people. You just take control from the start, make it "take it or leave" with terms in writing. Tell every one you can, especially when invited to or making a simcha. Spread the word, take positions against loudness that are strong and unequivocal, send copies of the articles to baalay simcha when they invite you and to other guests. Contact educators to train youth to know loudness is damaging so that the youth will not prod musicians to being loud.

Again, I appreciate your taking time to write. Be well,

Rabbi Forsythe

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Q: Rabbi Forsythe,I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciated your article about the level of music at simchas. Sometimes even when the baal hasimcha asks them to tone it down, they refuse, saying that the guests like it that way, or some other excuse. I would like to suggest that when people are signing their contracts with their bands, that they put a clause in it stating that if the baalei simcha ask them to tone it down, and they refuse, that the bill will not be paid (maybe ask a rov if this is binding in a bais din).

It's time to stop the ROAR!

Kol tuv

A: BS"D

A condition made in advance, that the customer has complete and constant control over loudness, would be binding if it is in writing and signed by the parties. It would be better if this is done in front of two kosher aidim [witnesses, preferably yoray Shomayim, shomer Torah males above bar mitzva age who know how to learn] who also sign the document, attesting to their witness of the terms being agreed to, with their name, father's name [if using Hebrew names] and date. The agreement can be in Hebrew or in a language that both parties to the agreement and the two or more witnesses understand in common. If the musicians don't obey the terms, you don't pay them.

Note: this series on the danger of loud amplification is also ON THIS WEBSITE. Go to "Interpersonal Relating & Mitzvos," then to "Sensitivity & Not Harming," and this eight-part series is about half way down.

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I have been reading your column on the Destructive Effects of Loud Amplification and couldn't agree with you more. I have been involved as an engineering consultant for noise abatement for many years, and I have complained about just such 'noise' at simchot and have gotten nowhere. At one event, the music topped 110 db and the DJ of the affair called me crazy when I tried to get him to lower the sound level. I wrote the Rabbi at one of the shuls in our community who agreed that damaging one's hearing from loud music was a violation of halacha, and told me to contact the caterer of the shul who is responsible for all the affairs held there. But the caterer of the shul just shook his head and told me he couldn't do anything about it.

I have not been the only one in the community batting my head the wall, so to speak. One of the Rabbis from nearby Lakewood has also tried to stop the assault on our ear drums, but they keep telling him their customers want the loud music.

You have a difficult job ahead of you trying to save everyone's hearing, and I wish you success. And, yes, you are right - it is the young ones who sanction this music. I have seen many older people walk out of a wedding or leave early because they could handle the pounding on their ears.

I think the Yeshivot have to take the lead and tell their students the dangers inherent in loud music and how it is against halacha to damage another's hearing.

Keep up the good work.... I am awaiting installments 3 and 4. Kol Tuv

A: BS"D

Thank you so very much for writing and your supportive statement.

Don't stop protesting. Wherever you can, get to educators to train the youth that loudness is definately damaging, to see "musicians" as genuine "mazikim" who will harm people for money, which deserves contempt, not glorification. That comes from outside hashpa'a, [influence] from a rock music mentality seeping into our machaneh [community]. I appreciate your having "a professional opinion" and recognizing how the loudness can overwhelm the delicate structures of the ear. It is nothing short of insanity, besides violating "multi issurim [Torah law prohibitions]." My series will address such areas as hezek to the inner ear, bichukosayhem lo saylaychu [the prohibition of imitating outside culture, including entertainment, Sefer HaChinuch], zaicher lechorban [not to have much music at a simcha to remember the destruction, Mishna Brura] and many more topics.

I stress: make a strong grass roots effort. Save this series and keep it available. Talk the subject up. When invited to simchas, send copies of the series to the host, other guests, rabonim of the youth who will be coming. Tell people to look for the series while it is being published and to send letters to the editor supporting the series - if any are published in the Jewish Press, this will call more attention to the subject, make more people aware of the danger and the importance of forcefully acting against loud amplification and protecting our people from serious and potentially incurable lifelong harm. Politely make coming for the whole event contingent on a guarantee of controlled & safe volume. Tell others to make strong protests. Stay polite, not angry. Derech eretz and midos always apply. The goal is service of Hashem, not machlokess [fighting]. Spread the word. A sin being widespread does not become a mitzva. Wanting to be damaged is not a hetter [permission] for a mazik to do damage (the one who wants something harmful to himself has a din [designation in Torah law] of being out of his mind) and the one who works to save Jews from harm will receive great blessings [Choshen Mishpot]. Perhaps go back to the rabbi from Lakewood, ask if he can speak to the caterer (if the latter is frum) and point out that customers who want loudness do not have the right to want something dangerous or to be cruel to entire crowds of people. May we both be zocheh to Heaven's help and reward.

Kol tuv and tizkeh limitzvos,

Rabbi Forsythe

[this is a continuation of the previous]:

Rabbi Forsythe,

Shavua Tov. Thanks for your very positive letter. Yes the Rabbi from Lakewood is frum and I believe very discouraged by the response he has gotten from trying to tone down the music. Also, the caterer that I talked to is under the supervision of the Jersey Shore Orthodox Rabbinate (J.S.O.R.) so I will send the Rabbi, who heads the organization, a copy of your series just in case he has not read it. He is a very dedicated individual and perhaps he will have more 'pull' with the caterer than I have and hopefully can pass on the information to others in our close knit community.

Unfortunately, what happens here in Deal, is that right after the ceremony, the Rabbis usually leave and don't stay around for the 'noise'. I don't think they realize the extent of what is happening. I have become accustomed to taking ear plugs with me to any simcha.

I was seriously thinking of writing a letter to the Jewish Press complaining about the situation and was just trying to find the time to do it. But you have done much better than I could have and I appreciate and I am grateful for your efforts.

Kol Tuv.

Jonathan

A: BS"D

Thank you very much for writing and for your kind and positive tone.

You can still do a big service by writing to the Jewish Press and have others do so also to support the "campaign" as addressed in my column. If people show there is concern and attention, and if the Press prints some letters to emphasize the seriousness of this issue, it can take on more momentum and gain credibility with caterers, musicians, youths who clamor for the insane louness, rabbis, teachers [who can tell youth that loudness is seriously damaging and that it is assur to do or to allow this loudness] and baalhabatim who hire musicians and should do so on condition that volume is in their control and must be at kept at all times at a safe and comfortable level. Get as many people as you can to write the Jewish Press and to become pro-active in every way possible. Have people in advance put in writing with musicians that volume must be at a low, safe and universally comfortable, background volume level throughout every affair or the musicians won't get paid. Maybe rabbis will withdraw hechsher from caterers who don't enforce safe volume on the grounds that if they can't be trusted with Choshen Mishpot [damage and protection laws], how can they be trusted with Yorah Daya [koshrus laws]? Be creative, be aggresssive. The coming two installments show the medical danger and the severity of damage, in both medical and spiritual terms, and then the subsequent installment goes back to halachos of handling one who damages, etc. Have people show the Jewish Press support for my series and take as much action as possible. One frum ear doctor in Boro Park has person after person with hearing loss, ear pain and other symptoms, often permanent and incurable, FROM GOING TO SIMCHAS WITH HORRIBLY LOUD AMPLIFICATION. It is "mamosh" an epidemic.

Rabbi Forsythe

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Question: Dear Rabbi

Where does the expresion ''KOL DE'ALIM GEVAR'' come from?
Does it appear in the Rambam?
What does it mean?

Thank you

A: BS"D

Dear Aharon,

Kol de'alim gevar is Aramaic and appears in the gemora twice that I know of: Gittin 60b and Bava Basra 34b. It basically means, "the stronger one takes possession." It applies when there is no basis for a halachic ruling in an ownership dispute (e.g. no witnesses or deed can be found) and either party has a halachically reasonable claim to some property but cannot substantiate the case enough for a bais din to deem either's claim to be proven against the other. In some cases, where neither has clear-cut possession, the one who has the ability to take the property has permission to do so, if it will not damage peace and the claim has a halachic basis. A competent dayan must be consulted for when it applies in practical situations. One can not just grab others' property to suit himself. Rambam uses the Hebrew translation, "Kol hamisgaber zocho," in Hilchos Sh'chainim 3:10 in a case [based on the gemora in Gitten 60b] where several people have equal rights to use water from a river along their property. Each can take as much water as he needs and the neighbors cannot demand the he only take an equal proportion.

Sincerely,

Rabbi Forsythe

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Question: Rabbi Forsythe

1. If A woman comes from an abusive family , what do I have to look out for? Should I bother at all with such a shidduch?

2. I have dated a number of women who have unrealistic expectations of what their looking for in a husband. Assuming they would date a regular person like my self, do I assume it is just wishful dreaming on their part and in reality they expect to marry a regular (i.e.not superman), husband. Or should I be wary that this is what she really expects and will cause problems later on?

Thank You

A: BS"D

Answer 1.

If she comes from an abusive family, that can have many implications about the person; each with their own guidelines; but of course I would advise to err on the side of caution.

You want to know whether she is damaged and, if so, if it is in a way that makes her also damaging, or if she has a big moral backbone and good character, which could make her sensitive to the need to not relate in a damaging manner.

My experience is that if she has learned to relate abusively, assuming abuse to be "normal" or "reality," she could be an extremely destructive relating partner and hard to impossible to communicate with - when things don't go her way. Even when such a person, male or female, loves a partner, they cannot separate from what relating means in terms of the internal emotional association that issues have. The person is not logical, the person is psychological. Therefore, there is no basis for reasoning with such a person, the damage is too profound to allow for normal reasoning or genuine recognition [except "lip service"] for another's needs or side to a story.

If the person is capable of a somewhat functional relationship, the person may very well require psychotherapy, lots of patience and emotional support - and you would have to be ready to give these, in conjunction with her commitment to work seriously on her issues and to shield you and children from being harmed or hurt by her troubled "package." Under the best of conditions, this can be draining. Although it is not successful a large percent of the time, if the person is mature enough to take responsibility to work on self and not be damaging to the spouse or children, such a marriage can work. Most of the time, the personality is too crippled and damaged and makes it very tough and painful to a marriage partner and children. To some extent, it requires case by case evaluation; including the nature, severity, frequency, duration, age and impactfulness of any abuse; and the family history.

If there are reasons to consider a shiduch with such a person, get a lot of information from as many people as you can. Look, in particular, for any information that suggests other information is less than fully true or is "covering up." Take any relationship very slowly. Signs I would say to look for, off the top of my head, are insecurity, game-playing, self-centeredness, defensiveness, manipulation, irresponsibility, lying or bending truth, subjectivity, tendency to control or see things as black-and-white, inadaptability, one-sidedness, not restrained about using or imposing on others, failure to apologize or admit wrong, criticism, anger, unhealthy approval-seeking or self-deprecation, blindness to impact on other people or their feelings, judgmental, inconsistency, instability, compulsivity or abnormally low frustration tolerance.

Answer two.

It is important to know if the woman comes from a home in which midos and authentic spiritual values are on a high level and if the people are "down-to-earth." If a person is mature and a "mentsh," they can adapt when the qualities in a zivug are the real priorities.

Some girls with good chinuch will strive high with sincere motives and, after they don't find "superman," they can accept someone who is compatible, functional and a mentsh.

If the girl comes from a background with a lower moral, spiritual or psychological foundation; if the people are "am ha'aratzim [unlearned]," superficial or materialistic; she can be holding out for the impossible and will be, for anyone less than super, a non-stop headache.

In question one you want to take things slowly because you have to find out [by yourself] what you are REALLY dealing with. In question two you have to take it slow to talk out [working together] what you really each are and whether you EACH CAN LIVE WITH WHAT YOU REALLY EACH ARE.

For questions one and two, check out the family as well as the girl.

Hatzlacha,

Rabbi Forsythe

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Question: Rabbi,

My wife and I have 2 children 13 months apart, age 1 and 2. Are there any segulas, prayers, tihilim, etc. for pregnancy to increase the chances of my wife conceiving again. THank you.

Newton Hoffer

A: BS"D

Dear Mr. Hoffer,

In terms of segulos, the ones which I saw generally entail kabola and I am not qualified in mysticism be certain of the actual meaning or application, so I am not the one to answer you about that.

Rabbi Chayim Mi'Velozhin [the talmid muvhok/main disciple of the Vilna Gaon] says that to increase the chances that Hashem answers a prayer, find a way to make Him kaviyochol/so to speak have a stake in answering it. For example, pray [in your own words but on a regular basis e.g. each of you every weekday] for children who who be tzadikim who will be great in Torah and increasing mitzvos in the world. See my site [Personal Growth, subsite Laws Of Prayer & Bais Knesses] or Mishna Brura or ask a local rov how to add your own tefillos at the end of Shmoneh Esray, so you have the power of tfilah bitzeebur/public prayer, which makes prayers more likely to be answered by Hashem. You can pray in any language you best express your heart in. You cannot add personal prayers on shabos or major yom tov days [when malacha/weekday work is not done] nor on Tisha B'Av; but you can every weekday including chol hamo'ed, Chanuka and Purim. Prayers are more powerful also if said on a steady basis because it shows Hashem you really have emuna/faith that He is the only One Who grants prayers. Your wife can pray any time, as long as it is from the heart and when she can concentrate. She should also pray every weekday, morning and afternoon prayers.

There are several places in the Torah where G-d kaviyochol promises that if you faithfully keep the Torah with a good attitude and with gratitude for His blessings, you will be rewarded with blessings, which can include children.

Raise your current children to be frum e.g. good midos, derech eretz, chesed, mitzvos, loving Torah, emuna in Hashem and chachomim; you in essence show Hashem you are a worthy set of parents to Whom He can entrust children and that you are good "investments" for sending as many children as you can handle. Also, do all that is necessary to take physically good care of them; showing you are responsible for children in both ruchaniyuss and goshmiyus, all that is necessary.

Also, make yourselves "valuable" to G-d and the Jewish community. Do as much as you can [with your home, family and shalom bayis being first priorities] with whatever time, energy and resources you have to serve G-d, Torah and Jewry. If you show that you use your resources in general for avodas Hashem [e.g. having orchim/guests, setting up classes in your home or shul, participating in Torah organizations or projects; whatever you and your wife are capable of]; you are more of a klee machzik bracha [a container for blessings] and you fulfill the Mishna in the second chapter of Avos: Do His will that He do your will.

Another thing you can do is take your kesuba to a qualified orthodox rov, who is an expert in Torah and fear of Hashem, to make sure everything about it is kosher and proper. Sometimes repairing or replacing a kesuba, found to have some fault, removes the obstacle to a couple having a baby.

If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site.

With best wishes,

RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE
email: shemayisrael.com/rabbiforsythe

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Question: Dear Rabbi,

My husband and I are a frum couple, married 1 year, and have a 4 month old son. Our rav had given us a psak that I could use the birth control pill for 6 months after the birth of our baby. (I had a difficult labour, he had colic..I was so stressed out and not ready to be pregnant again so fast. I had gotten pregnant 3 weeks after being married so..) I have 2 months left of that six month period. The problem I am having is that my husband does not help around the house, even though I ask him often. It takes a lot of convincing to get him to help. I do everything pretty much myself, and am often exhausted. In addition, I am severely anemic (I hemorrhaged 2 months ago, left over placenta caused me to hemorrhage.) So I feel tired a lot from that too. I have a person once a week to help me clean the apartment. I really want another child and am looking forward to trying to conceive again in 2 months but I am not sure if I am ready and will be able to handle it. Actually we would like 5 children G-d willing, but if my husband continues to not help out and be more supportive, I don't know if I could handle 5..) I am scared because its so difficult now with no help and 1 child. what will happen when we have 2 little ones both in diapers? My husband doesn't help. Its so difficult for me. He doesn't even want to change the diapers on our son. Only if its not a poo diaper will he change him. I mean, what's going to happen when I am in the hospital with #2? He can not just leave the baby like that..Its ridiculous in my opinion. My husband loves our son very much, but he doesn't like the work it takes to raise a child it seems. He does all the playing, and I do everything else. It would be so nice if he were more supportive and did some stuff around the house without me having to persistently ask. I just told my husband that maybe I will ask our rav for another 6 months because I don't know how I am going to be able to handle a newborn, my son who would be at least a year old when the baby is born (he is 4 months now..) and all the responsibilities of running a house without any help from my husband. I am sorry for rambling..I am just a bit upset right now (I had just got off the phone with my husband at work, because this morning, when he was on his way out the door, refused to throw out the garbage, even though he passes right by the dumpster (we live in an apartment.) I was a bit annoyed with him when he left for work, and wanted to smooth things out.) I should say one last thing..in addition to the lack of support, my husband's status at his job is on shaky ground (he is a computer programmer.) His boss didn't like the fact that my husband leaves early on Friday for shabbos (its a shame because he himself is also a yid) and he said my husband was not putting forth his full effort, so he made my husband become an independent contractor, where we have to take out his taxes (guess who's job it is to figure out how much to take out..me.and I have no clue how to, my husband has to give him an invoice, and his boss will pay him like he pays his suppliers..then he went vacation without paying my husband, which makes things difficult financially..also my husband can be fired without any notice, and no paid vacations, whereas before, when my husband was considered an employee of this company, he had paid vacation and normal paying periods, and if he were to get laid off, he would have 3 weeks notice instead of none.

Thank you for your time and for listening.

A: BS"D There are several parts to your email.

Phone or go to your doctor, as soon as you possibly can, and ask him medically for his opinion about your condition, keeping in mind your anemia, hemorrhage, the strain of managing your baby and housework on your own, the prospective toll of another pregnancy and baby on your body and health, and whatever else goes into a thorough evaluation of your medical state. Consider his response to be data which will be used as part of any shaalo to your local rov about possibly continuing birth control.

After hearing from your doctor, I would promptly contact the rov who you went to about birth control and ask him about your household situation, as parts of it can have bearing on your shaalo about birth control. Is there some fundamental incompatibility between the two of you, or has he some unreadiness to behave like a husband? Tell the rov how your husband refuses to help with the baby, to take out the garbage, to help in general, the sense of pressure you live under. Inform the rov about the doctor's input about your health and having a baby. I think part of the shaalo should be: could the rov either speak to your husband about what the duties, responsibilities and attitudes of a proper Jewish husband are; and/or would he recommend a local yoray Shomayim marriage counselor for the two of you to go to. I would fear for your having a new pregnancy with a husband who behaves like yours.

The job problem is a practical matter which should be dealt with in terms of worldly hishtadlus. Money is never a hetter for birth control. There you must be strong in emunah. You should not say that you want five children. It is Hashem's decision what number of children you have. The emotional or physical health of one or both spouses or the shakiness of a marriage could be a basis for a psak for birth control. Your health and his irreseponsibility as a partner are of concern. I would want your marriage, and his maturity, more solidified, before you become pregnant; aside from you being physically and emotionally well, strong and ready. If he is an independent contractor, could he get more clients and be less dependent on any one of them? Is there any way you could help him, which would be appropriate if he needed assistance in "running a business" if you have the time, energy and ability. I would like to hear that you both are treating each other as partners, in your respective positions.

Could you go through the shalom bayis portion of my internet site with your husband as a "chavrusa" or print out portions that relate to him?

If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site.

With best wishes,

RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE
email: shemayisrael.com/rabbiforsythe

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Question: For as long as I can remember, every single time I come home from the mikva I spend the entire night worrying that I forgot something. I make lists and lists and check them off. I have spoken to many people on the subject and they tell me "don't think about it. you're not allowed to think about it". Sorry, but thinking is human, and since this particular halacha has to be done to perfection I am terrified that I forgot to do something. For example, the last time I went was Friday night. I did the chafifos early in the day, checked off everything on my list. I came home content that I did everything okay. Later that night I began to worry that maybe I was supposed to blow my nose before I went down. I blew my nose at home before I went, and even used a q-tip. It was because I had just gotten over a cold and thought there might be still stuff in there. Last month I prepared on Friday to go Motzai shabbos. Sunday morning I could not remember if I had washed my hair. I must have had knots in my stomach for several days. When it happens I start sweating, I can't breathe, because I am so afraid. I feel like I am going to get gastritis (again). I went to therapy for over a year to resolve this, but although I resolved many other problems, this one I could not because the woman was not frum, so I stopped. Just some personal information you might need, I am married 18 years, I have five children, and I get along boruch Hashem well with my husband. I don't always mention to him what's bothering me because he will think I'm nuts. What do I do to resolve this? It's too much agony.

Thank you.

A: BS"D

Dibra Torah kiloshon bnay odom [the Torah speaks the language of human beings; Gemora Brachos 31b]. The Torah is made by Hashem to speak to us mortals, not malachay hashoress [angels]. The Torah address us as we are in the human condition. It expects, demands and requires a lot; it wants us to come to our highest potential; it does not want us nervous wrecks.

Family Purity laws are very serious. If you are not sure about knowledge or performance of the halachos, review them with a rov, class, sefer or chavrusa. Be methodical about each step to confirm you have complied with each. All the Torah wants is for you to observe the laws, not be stricken with panic. That is not healthy, that is not what G-d wants. The Torah is G-d's blueprint for life. Torah existed before creation. "Hashem looked in the Torah and then created the universe" [Beraishis Raba 1:2]. Every facet of creation was designed to match what the Torah says about it. The woman's cycle was created specifically because there would be marital laws in the Torah, and her nature provides the framework for carrying out this aspect of Torah in the practical world. Once you are carrying out the halachos as they should be, your head is clear. You have done what Hashem asks of you and He is pleased with you. If you still cannot be calm about this, you still may need professional help from a qualified Yoray Shomayim. Try to just objectively go through each step carefully and make sure you do everything. Much of your trouble comes from stressing yourself, which increases forgetfulness, so try to stay steadily calm.

Torah marital laws require physical separation from the time of onset of the wife's menstruation till she immerses in a kosher mikva [ritual bath, built to very exacting halacha/Torah law specifications]. The name of the area of laws which pertain to this facet of life are called "Taharas HaMishpacha [Family Purity]." We must note that term refers to the spiritual purity of the entire family, not only the couple. When meticulously kept, these laws improve the spiritual quality, atmosphere and character of the entire home for all members of the family.

The gemora tells us that nida separation is a tremendous kindness from Hashem. When the wife immerses in the mikva after separation, they have a restoration of the endearment that the couple had when they got married [Nida 31b]. They are happy newliweds every month. Rabbi Shimon Shkop wrote [Sha'aray Yosher] that every month when the wife immerses in the mikva, she is reliving the wedding day, each time, on a progressively deeper and deeper level. Around the wedding time is when the couple does the most to please each other. Every month, the couple can renew and "recharge" their love on a deeper and deeper level, throughout a lifetime.

When the wife is a nida [menstruant], halacha requires harchaka [physical distance, e.g. using separate beds; putting something down so the other can pick it up, rather than directly handing the article to the other person, etc.]. It is crucial to not interpret the physical distance required by nida as "relational distance." There are ways to maintain an appropriate balance, and doing so is vital for a healthy and stable marriage.

The Torah limits relations to being only between man and wife. Marriage to anyone to whom one is not married and a nida [menstruant, even one's wife] are among the many prohibitions; most of which appear in Parshas [the Torah portion of] "Acharay Mos." This is the parsha [portion] read in the afternoon on the holy day of Yom Kippur; emphasizing that being holy, and clean of sin, requires special diligence in these man-woman areas.

The Torah tells us "VoChai bohem [live by the Torah's laws," Leviticus 18:5]. The gemora says on this "and not die by the Torah's laws" [Yoma 85b]. From here, for example, is where we know that if life depends on it, we drive a patient in a car to a hospital on shabos or feed him on Yom Kippur to save life, even though normally these acts are strictly forbidden. The Torah wants its observance to be a method for living and understanding life; not to merely be oppressive, restrictive or obnoxious, Heaven forbid.

Where does the Torah say this? Interestingly, "VoChai bohem" is said in the just-referred to passage of man-woman restrictions in Acharay Mos! There is much more to its meaning than to tell us not to endanger people through mitzvos. From here we see that limiting relations to a married couple, when the wife is not a nida, is a "ticket" to living life!

Therefore, the single most profound application of "vochai bohem" is in marital laws. Appreciate that this means these laws are a means of enriching life, not tyrrany.

Part of fulfilling the laws of taharas hamishpocha is to feel like you have a life - a normal, calm, sweet, balanced and happy life - through the observance of G-d's laws!

I hope this in no way makes your husband nervous or unhappy. You have no right to make him suffer. Do what you have to and pay good attention so that you can objectively know you are doing all that you must. These laws should add to the calm, satisfaction and health of man and wife; to a strengthening of love, closeness and friendship between them. There are three who make a marriage: man, wife and G-d. Each has obligations to the other two. If man and wife each do what is required, please and respect each other and have peace, Hashem's Sh'china will dwell with them and bless them.

Halacha has to be done to perfection - on the level of humans. You are responsible for your job, not an angel's job. The irony is that if you will do your job as a proper human being, G-d will THEN reckon you for being an angel.

If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site.

With best wishes,

RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE
email: shemayisrael.com/rabbiforsythe

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Question: What is the relevance of Purim in the 21st century?

A: BS"D

Dear Dov,

First, please go to my site, go to Hashkofa, Holiday messages subsection, then to Purim. You will how Haman and Amalek represent absence of law and morality, how being loyal to G-d are the antidote to what they stand for and their influence on us, and what these mean to us today. If we are weak in Torah, we are aligning with the attitude of Amalek and subject ourselves to danger from him. If we are strong in Torah, we are close to Hashem and receive His protection and blessing.

Secondly, Haman tried to make his plot by giving Achashverosh shekalim (money). He was implying that there was no hope from golus for the rebuilding of the destroyed bais hamikdosh, we were finished. However, we kept giving the shekalim for the bais hamikdosh because we had emuna that it would be built. Our shekalim for the bais hamikdosh canceled his shekalim for annihilation and our emuna in the bais hamikdosh gave us the merit to win and survive.

When you factor in the first part, that Amalek stands for the opposite of Torah and we must stand for having a strong grip on Torah together with the second: having emuna in the rebuilding is z'chus for redemption; we must keep our strong, loyal adherance to Torah especially when tested by forces in our surroundings that tend to challenge the authority or validity of G-d's law or belief in redemption.

In addition, both Chanuka & Purim have the attribute of Pirsumay Neesa bifarhesia [publicizing a miracle in public] which fulfills "kidush Hashem," which is a mitzva de'Oraisa.

Frailichen Purim.

Rabbi Forsythe

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Question: B"H

Background:

My husband (49) and I (34) were civilly married by a "reform rabbi" (we did not know any better at the time) three years ago. We are converting to Judaism Halachically through a Torah Beth Din. My husband is a ger and I am Jewish by birth to the best of my knowledge, but I am adopted and am currently trying to prove my status as a Jew (since no one else bothered to) by gathering my biological mother's and grandmother's birth and marriage records. If I cannot do so, then I will also be a convert.

My husband and I met in Alcoholics Anonymous. We are both recovering alcoholics (him 6 years and me 8 years). I attend therapy as well, and am studying with my husband Jewish law and practice so we can better serve Hashem and bring true Torah Judaism into our home.

I come from a secular Jewish home. My Jewish adoptive parents sent me to secular schools and once a week to "Sunday school" at a "reform temple." I was "confirmed" but learned no Hebrew (am learning now!) and my parents observed 4 Jewish holidays: Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Pesach, and Chanukah. They were not kosher (I am now!) and did not practice Family Purity (I am learning about that now!). The problems occuring in a non-observant Jewish home are only too real for me.

My question is:

My adoptive sister (natural-born to my adoptive parents), 39, has been suffering from anorexia nervosa for 20 years. She was first diagnosed at college 20 years ago, seemingly recovered for several years, and is back down to complete emaciation and other problems. My parents will not seek help for themselves to see their role in it, and she will not check herself into a hospital. She is taking antidepressant medication from a psychiatrist but this is only half the battle. She continues to have severe panic attacks, has unhealthy rituals with food, and manipulates everyone with her illness.

From a religious perspective, what can I do? I have tried to lead her to places and resources for help, and she ignores me. The family dynamic when her and my parents and I are in the same room together is crazy...it causes me terrible anxiety and sleeplessness. I have tried to bring recovery into my old home and nobody listens. They listen even less when it comes to Orthodox Judaism.

Thank you very much.

A: With the help of Heaven,

With regard to helping your sister, it depends. If someone is physically and mentally competent, the mitzva to help another only applies if the person does his share to help himself. There is no mitzva to do the other's job for them if they do nothing. However, if she can be considered disabled, she cannot be responsible for herself and the mitzva to help applies, if she is not accountable for her failure to help herself as much as possible. I cannot guess where she falls on the scale, so I give you the criteria for judging how much you have to strive and sacrifice vs. back off and leave her to find her own way.

As to "crazy" family dynamics, it is also difficult. One the one hand one must protect himself from harm (it is a mitzva to protect any Jew from harm or danger, including oneself). On the other hand, since one must honor parents and even accept craziness from them, the only option when a parent is unbearable or abusive is to disappear, hiring a stranger to take care of a parent's needs if the parent cannot care for himself. The only escape from parents is "escape." Leave town, have no or less contact, or contact only by mail or letter from a safe distance. This way you do not disrespect them while protecting your well-being.

Do not be concerned with changing your family if your health is jeopardized. Taking care of yourself, making a wholesome life with your husband and learning how to live as Torah-loyal Jews will take much energy. It seems best that you focus on doing these properly. You are not in a position to be a "jack of all trades and master of none." You'll be spread too thin and too vulnerable to damage. You need health, mental clarity and peace of mind to serve the Torah and to live a functional life. Would you try to concentrate on succeeding at these?

Sincerely,

Rabbi Forsythe

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Dear Rabbi Forsythe,

I try to set people up in my spare(?) time especially older singles. I had met a single man at a Shidduch fare. He tells me that his therapist, who is frum, says he is able to get married and emotionally able to have children. That is all I have to go by. A shadchan that I spoke to knows someone who went out with him and said he is a fine person. This guy calls me every week to see if I have someone for him since he feels I understand his dilemma. I would like very much to help him. I do understand that each single must be ready for the responsibilities and maturity required by marriage. I wish I could tell you more about him but that is all I know. As far as the older singles go, I hope that someone could reach out to them to tell them to seek therapy. The ones who are in their 40's and have never been married are so out of touch with what a relationship is all about and when I suggest they seek help they seem so horrified by the idea.They see others who go as being crazy. I tell them that I went and that is how I overcame my fears and finally married but they don't seem to feel this applies to them. How does one get this point across to them?

Thanks very much for listening and hope you can help.

A: BS"D

The gemora says that the mitzva to help another Jew only applies to when the other helps himself to the extent he is able. For one who is not prepared to do his best to help himself, there is no mitzva at all to help.

Either look for singles who are prepared to work seriously to help themselves be functional and genuinely marriageable or find another mitzva project in which you have more control over successful outcomes. Perhaps Soton wants you busy with futility so you can "feel frum" without making real mitzva achievements.

Be well and keep looking for mitzvos in which you have more control over outcomes and can accomplish!

Rabbi Forsythe

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Question: I am 20 years old and my best friend, who is 26, lives in another continent. We are very very close and talk every day on the phone. Recently, she has been getting a bit low and she has just been crying on the phone just now. Her problem is that she is in debt, serious debt and she is having trouble finding a job since leaving her last job. Her father died when she was young so she doesn't have him for financial or emotional support. She has to look after her mother a lot. She needs at least $1600 to get herself back on track. I know she desperately needs a break from New York since there is a lot she needs to get away from at the moment. I so want her to come to visit me and wind down and I have told her that I will pay for half her ticket which she was very touched about.

The problem is that she now is having trouble even paying for half a ticket. I come from a well-off family and I do have enough money to cover her debts. But this would be a big cut in my savings. My father has money but I wouldn't want him to pay for my friend who he doesn't even know. It wouldn't be fair on him.

I just want to help out my friend. I need to know whether or not I should send her a check to help her out. I know my father would not be happy with me for spending so much money on my friend. I always respect and trust that my parents know best and if they think I am making a ridiculous decision, I will believe them and I won't send the money. But I just want her to be happy. I want her to come over and take a break. I just don't know what to do for the best.

This may sound like a trivial problem to you. But I can't discuss it with anyone I know because they will either tell me I am being ridiculous or make out that I am such an angel when all I want is an unbiased opinion on whether I will do the right thing by sending my friend a lot of money.

Please answer as soon as you can. I really need to know what to do. To me it is very important.

Thank you so much for your time and your help.

Best wishes,

A: BS"D

The mitzva of tzadaka asks for ten percent of your income and up to twenty percent if you are well off and will not come to need charity yourself if you give more than ten. Perhaps you could structure the second half as a loan rather than an outright gift. If you still live with and are supported by your parents, you are obligated to obey them except in a matter that violates the Torah (being financially responsible is a valid demand for them to make). Is your money earned income? If so you can give up to ten, or if well-off twenty, percent. If your money is gift-money given from your parents, Rabbi Moshe Feinstein z'l says it is not subject to ma'aser and you must, therefore, not separate money for charity from it. Therefore, it depends if you earned the money and have the "tovas hano'a [right to decide who you give your charity to]." The only other idea I can think of is to "borrow" money that you are reasonably certain you will earn and give from ma'aser, say if you are working a steady job and realistically expect to earn enough in a reasonable time to give enough from charity for your friend's fare.

You are a lovely friend who anyone should be grateful and proud to have.

If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site.

With best wishes,

RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE
email: shemayisrael.com/rabbiforsythe

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Question: Dear rabbi,

For a class project for school we were assigned to ask questions about the Jewish religion. Could you please help me? Here are the Questions:

1. What branch do you belong to?

2. How do you observe the Sabbath or particular feasts in your home?

3. Do you have Mezuzah's in your home? Where and why?

4. How do the laws concerning food affect your social life?

Thanks,

Mallory

A: With the help of Heaven,

Dear Mallory,

1. I personally dislike the concept of "branch" because Judaism is a G-d given teaching and system for living life. I believe the answer is that I study and observe Judaism's teachings, laws and ethics. If some people call that "Orthodox," it is a name imposed from outside, the same way that they might call me a strawberry or potato chip - it has no meaning.

2. Sabbath and holidays require refraining from many kinds of secular activities (except in cases of danger to life) such as cooking, carrying outside of a house, sewing, doing business or work, using machinery (for example a phone or car), etc. We pray in the synagogue Friday evening, Saturday morning, afternoon and night. We have three meals after the first three services. Holidays follow the same pattern with some exceptions such as there are only two meals (and on the Day Of Atonement none because we fast all day). We strive to study our religious teachings in the synagogue and at meals and use the day spiritually.

3. The Bible requires mazuzos on any doorpost whose use is for a clean purpose, not just a home, it can include a place of business. One is required on each door used for a clean purpose, say bedroom, livingroom, study, storage room, but not a bathroom. The mezuza contains Hebrew passages from the Bible in which G-d commands obeying His laws and that He will reward those who do so. It evokes His protection when the mezuza is placed in accordance with its laws.

4. Dietary laws restrict what we may eat and related subject such as how to cook, use of pots. For example, milk and dairy must be separated so a Jewish kitchen requires two complete sets of dishes and pots. Meat must be slaughtered by one trained in the rules so he knows which animals are allowed, what kind of knife is allowed and how to accomplish the job so the animal dies instantly without pain. Social life is affected very much because the rules restrict socializing wherever kosher accommodations are not present. For example, if a two businessmen want to go to lunch together, and one is an observant Jew, they would require a kosher restaurant. If a non-Jew invites a Jewish friend to a wedding, the Jewish friend could not attend.

I hope this helps.

Sincerely,

Rabbi Forsythe

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Question: Dear Rabbi,

How is it that you say anger is destructive and impractical - and a major sin? Jesus was angered by the treatment of His Father's House. All of the world knows that Jesus is innocent of sin. Mark 11:15 And they come to Jerusalem: and Jesus went into the temple, and began to cast out them that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers, and the seats of them that sold doves; Can you see anger as a motivator, one that almost certainly prompts change? God gave us tears, not to suppress but to release the sorrow from within and hopefully prompt us to change. As a small girl, the idea of angering either of my parents kept me firmly in my place. I did not seek to provoke anger, only to maintain peace.

Judy

A: With the help of Heaven

Dear Judy,

There are many passages in the Bible which prohibit quarreling and anger, such as the story of Korah in the book of Numbers, and G-d says specifically not to be like Korah, and many verses in Proverbs and Ecclesiastes [many are cited in my website]. The books of Exodus, Leviticus and Deuteronomy have many prohibitions against all kinds of causing damage and stealing. There is no religious justification for anger or quarreling and to act that way is a contradiction for a religious person - what you describe is not someone innocent of sin when he behaved violating countless verses in the Bible. He was also damaging property which did not belong to him so, besides being violent, he was like a thief of the property he damaged who would owe payment to the people whose property he damaged. Since stealing and causing damage are Biblical prohibitions, this is further hypocrisy and sin. It would require years of learning to understand what it takes for Judaism view one as a truly religious person.

As to your parents, you should want to honor and respect them, and only fear upsetting or disrespecting them. Your motives should be constantly positive: to make them proud and happy; to show them excellent behavior; for you to be moral, kind, polite, honest, friendly and peaceful.

It is G-d's will that mankind fulfill the "seven commandments of the descendants of Noah." These constitute minimal religious requirements, in the eyes of G-d, for all who are not Jewish.

In brief, I will summarize the basics of the seven universal commandments, which aren't necessarily the same as the more famous "Ten Commandments."

1. To believe only in One G-d, invisible and infinite, sole authority and creator, and to not believe in nor serve in any way any other entity, whether with belief in G-d also or without belief in G-d also.

2. Not to say anything bad against G-d e.g. blasphemy, vulgarity, to curse or deny Him.

3. Not to murder, including abortion, mercy killing of someone fatally ill, trapping or tying a person and leaving him subject to danger or starvation. One can kill someone chasing another who threatens to kill (the one pursued) if there is no way to stop the pursuer other than by killing. This is only to save the victim from being killed. If the pursuer could be stopped without killing (e.g. wounding), killing the pursuer would be murder.

4. Forbidden relations including with certain close family members (whether by blood or by marriage, even after the death of the blood relative), adultery, relations with an animal or a male with another male whether a male adult or child.

5. Prohibition of theft of anything worth any amount, whether sneaky (e.g. burglary or embezzlement) or in the open (e.g. armed robbery or snatching a woman's necklace), whether stealing property (e.g. money or objects) or a person (i.e. kidnapping) or causing damages, whether by taking what someone else has or withholding what you have but which someone else has the right to (e.g. not paying an employee or creditor on time or not working during time when you are being paid to work).

6. Do not tear off and eat the limb or meat of a living animal (this is a prototype of prohibition to do anything that is cruel or barbaric).

7. Set up a system of courts to enforce the above and maintain a civil society.

There are many details pertaining to the above. There are also miscellaneous matters. For some examples: when one is in trouble or in need of something, it is appropriate to pray to G-d; one's overall conduct with others should be courteous, pleasant and honorable; one should constantly have and express appreciation to G-d for the gifts and benefits He gives; if one has done a sin, one should repent and commit himself promptly to never doing the wrong again.

In direct correlation to one's fulfillment of his obligations in the service of G-d, and living a righteous and spiritual life, one creates what his own eternity will be. It is not a matter of salvation. It is a matter living to serve G-d, doing His will at every moment during earthly life - especially at times of test, in the way that accords with whether one is a Jew or non-Jew. Each individual himself is responsible for what is in store for him, by his own making. Heaven's judgement is fair, precise and truthful; the ramifications are eternal.

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Question: I am doing a report on the movie Yentl. I was wondering if you can give me some insight on women and the studying of the Torah. I know that it was forbidden at one time, and that in some orthodox groups it is still not allowed. I don't know why women were not allowed to study. Were fathers allowed to teach their daughters? If you are familiar with the movie, do you think it was accurate? I would appreciate any comments you can make to help me interpret this movie and learn from it. Please do not use my name or address.

A: With the help of Heaven

Women are required to know many aspects of Torah because Judaism requires them to fulfill laws, ethics and principles that apply to them; for example dietary laws, sabbath and holiday laws, modesty in dress, marital rules, forbidden speech (e.g. slander, vulgarity), how to train their daughters, prayer, character development and Bible.

The question comes in when we talk about Talmudic learning where such things as the background, logic and analysis of Torah concepts and requirements are studied. Judaism does differentiate the learning deemed appropriate for men and women. Torah applies at all times, so it is not appropriate to say "at one time." Some modern people are trying to change this by training a few women in Talmudic learning, but this is not mainstream, and I believe this is affected by women's lib. My belief is that women who feel loved, respected and secure do not to seek to go outside of their roles because each gender is made with a nature perfectly suited to each one's roles. When the genders are respectful and cooperative, their differences allow them to add up somewhat the way players with different strengths add up to make a winning team. No one has an ego problem or a fight over who will pitch or catch on a baseball team - the one who does each best makes the most contribution to the team and to winning, by being in his respective position.

From what I have heard about the movie it contains serious inaccuracies. One is when a man who is a friend, who is "like" a brother to Yentl, says that "it is written" that a man shall marry the wife of his brother if the marriage is ended. This law only applies to brothers from the same father, not a friend who is "like a brother" nor from a brother from only the same mother; all this only being when the brother dies, not [like the case in the movie] when a marriage is annulled. What was described is NOT written - except in the script! Never use a commercial movie or novel as a source of any kind for Jewish teaching. They are a source for profit, not authentic religious teachings.

If you are interested in learning about Judaism, contact a yeshiva, seminary or Torah educator who you have access to, to recommend a school in your vicinity to study authentic Judaism from the actual source.

If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site.

With best wishes,

RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE
email: shemayisrael.com/rabbiforsythe

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Question: What is the penalty for defamation and slander according to the Law of G-d?

A: With the help of Heaven,

Dear Jacqueline,

Slander and defamation are punished through Heaven and the severity can vary, measured by G-d according to how much malice went into the speaking and how much shame, damage or loss it caused. This applies even if the speech is true and causes harm to the victim without justification. One loses his reward-merits for mitzvos and these are transferred to the victim. In the days from the time of Moses till the time of the Holy Temple, one who spoke against another would get "tzora'as," a Heavenly sent disease, mistranslated as leprosy, which was indication of spiritual disease manifest in physical form on the speaker's body; as discussed in the books of Leviticus and Numbers. Sometimes, the punishment was death or tragedy administered by G-d. On rare occasion a Jewish court in Biblical times would sentence a person to death if the slander subjected a community to jeopardy, somewhat as if it were an act of treason. G-d always treats people "measure for measure," in according with the good, bad, quality and quantity of his acts and words. Since we do not have the Holy Temple, G-d administers punishment to hurt the speaker in such ways as He sees fit, whether it be by illness, becoming the victim of a slander himself, loss of friends, premature death , poverty or whichever means G-d sees as fitting the case.

Sincerely,

Rabbi Forsythe

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Question: Divorce:

I know that this question is almost impossible to answer without knowing all the details, however my question is, when is it the right thing to do, to get divorced.

A little background info:

Shortly after we were married, my wife informed me that she was unwilling to have children. She assured me that this was short term, and she just wanted to feel comfortable with the relationship. The rabbonim contacted at the time advised me that I should honor her request at that time. To this date, years later, she still continues to give excuses. Recently in a discussion regarding relationships and children she made a comment "There are a lot of goyish couples that are married for years with no children, and they are happy". This and similar discussions have led me to believe that she has no intention of ever having any children, unless possibly pressured into it.

Additionally, my wife was diagnosed with severe personality disorders shortly after we were married. She refused medication, and needless to say our relationship never developed. After several years of intense therapy she finally agreed to go on medication. The medication has certainly improved things, although they have not cured it entirely. She is still prone to bouts of depression and anxiety. She does not allow me to express any need for emotional support that I may need. As such I am forced to tend to my own emotional needs on my own.

Additionally, my wife, in her youth experienced a traumatic experience with a family member. The details of this are sketchy to me as she refuses to discuss this. I accidentally discovered some details of this, and she is not aware that I know what I know. Needless to say, this trauma greatly affects her ability to have a meaningful intimate relationship. At this point she has stopped even allowing me to get near her. We have not been intimate in almost six months. She sees absolutely no problem with this.

Because of her experience as well as additional troublesome issues surrounding her childhood, she has developed into someone who is self-hating while at the same time being self-loving. She is extremely selfish and never shows any consideration for others. When I spend time doing chesed for a relative, she will get upset that I am not giving her attention, and why am I giving to someone else. She is never concerned with my well being, and can sometimes go days without ever asking how I am. If I do not call her at least three times throughout the day she will get upset.

Additionally she is constantly criticizing others around her. She has been unable to hold down a job as she is constantly fighting with co-workers. She has absolutely no friends. She is intolerant of any opinion that disagrees with her. If I ever express a disagreement, she will accuse of being a chauvinist and not respecting women. If others disagree with her, she will accuse them of not listening to her. She thinks that she is smarter than everyone else. Every time she wants to have a meaningful conversation with me, it also succeeds in being one where she will spend hours criticizing me and accusing me of not making her happy. I have learned not to respond but just listen to these tirades.

I have also noticed, that at times when she gets extremely frustrated she will respond physically. Generally this has been nonviolent, but it has been physical; such as tickling, pouring water, sitting on me, etc. Only once has it turned violent, where I was choked. I did not defend myself even at this time, because in the past when I simply protected myself by grabbing her hands and not allowing her to pound me, she criticized me for being physical. This is not a frequent occurrence, but nonetheless I feel it is unacceptable.

Spiritually we are miles apart. Although my wife expresses spirituality, and constantly claims to want what I want, her actions speak very differently.

I b"h earn an extremely comfortable living (5 times what some of my friends are earning!) and my wife is constantly wanting more. She never seems to be satisfied with anything. I have a full time demanding job, but still b"h manage to learn 4 hours a day. I am forced to give tzedakah behind her back, as she is unwilling to part with anything. While I am constantly trying to bring frumkeit into our home, she is bringing in television, has started attending Broadway shows, spends loads of time going out with her non-Jewish friend whom she met at a job, and is less concerned about the tznius in her clothing. I don't judge people who live this way, but this is not what she preaches or what either of our backgrounds are. She evens goes so far to criticize and make fun of the religious guys. I am very meticulous and honest, and am careful not to cheat anyone in business, and to pay taxes on every dollar I earn. She will criticize me as to why I am doing that and say things like: "Well that's business", "Why pay taxes?", "Negotiate harder in business". Etc. There are a lot more issues that are present but these by far are the most severe.

I am not intending this letter to be a shopping list of complaints against my wife and claim I am an angel. I am sure that I am not a perfect person. However, I am a person who is serious about life, and constantly works on myself to make myself better. I have been raised with old-time values of marriage being forever. I have done everything I feel I can to make this marriage if not ideal, at least livable. We have gone to a couple of marriage therapists, and every time one would tell her that she needed to do something, she would accuse them of being not qualified and insist that we do not return. I had thought that this was because we had gone to Male therapists, but the response was the same when we went to Female therapists as well.

It is evident that this is a nonfunctional marriage, and I have come to see that it never will be. It would seem obvious to end this, however my moral sense of 'marriages are forever', 'commitment to marriage', 'marriage takes hard work', etc, all seem to create doubts in my mind.

The stress this marriage has caused me is untold. I have always lived with the belief that any two decent people can make a wonderful marriage. The stress this causes me is so great that I am able to function at probably only half my capacity. I feel as if I have wasted these years of my life, been forced to compromise on my ideals, and am pessimistic about the future. The stress has also caused me health problems, including: cardiovascular and digestive diseases and more.

I need you to please advise as to when divorce really is the right thing to do. I have asked Rabbonim as well as therapists this question, but the answers have not been very convincing. There are those Rabbonim that will tell you, never unless there is infidelity or abuse. There are others that will say that I need to give her a chance to change and overcome her issues. There are then others who tell me that I should have gotten divorced three weeks after the wedding when she told me that she wants no children. Please help.

Thank you.

Please keep the details confidential, as they are obviously specific.

A: BS"D

Marriage is a bundle of serious responsibilities that each partner owes to the other. For example, the husband is obligated to feed and support his wife. If there is no other means of obtaining livelihood, the husband is obligated to work. It is not enough for him to sit down and to say, "I'm not sinning against you. I'm not hurting you. I'm not beating you. I am just going to sit here and not work. I will not support you. I'm not doing anything bad against you." He cannot claim that he is not wronging his wife. He must actively work and aquire an honest, independent income (Pesachim 113a) with which to fulfill his responsibility. Refusal to fulfill one's marital obligations can be grounds for divorce (Kesubos 63a-b). All marital obligations must be actively accomplished. This is weighty and serious for both spouses.

Sometimes, the obligations must be done by the spouse personally. There are some obligations which may be delegated. The obligation is considered fulfilled by someone else, as long as it gets done and both spouses are in agreement with the alternate arrangement. For example, the wife is obligated to take care of the house. If the couple can afford domestic help, the wife's obligation to care for the house is fulfilled when she sees to it that the housekeeper does a satisfactory job. The obligation to supply livelihood is on the husband. If the husband is in kollel or if he is sick or if his wife is a better business person, his obligation to provide livelihood is satisfied by her agreeing to work. If the act cannot be delegated [e.g. you cannot make a woman other than your wife pregnant to have your children], there is no option of delegating, the spouse must fulfill the responsibility personally. Since men have a Torah obligation to have children, and marriage to one wife is the means for accomplishing this, one's wife [except for onais, e.g. medical inability] is the only route to having babies.

If a person offers to marry on condition that a Torah obligation is cancelled, the condition is invalid. There is no such thing a half a marriage (Rashi, Bava Metzia 94a). Marriage is always a "package" of roles and responsibilities which must be complete.

You are describing a woman who is consciously blocking you from becoming a father. You describe no halachically authorized hetter for birth control, no physical obstacle such as infertility, no halachic justification for refraining from intimacy for six months and you did mention that your wife brings an alleged "meforisha raya [proof]" from goyim that it is OK to have no children. She sounds, from your side of the story, like she is disloyal to Torah, probably a moreddess, and has no justification for expecting to remain married to a ben Torah. You describe serious personality damage and trauma which preclude relating meaningfully with any man and requires serious and long-term professional help. Of course, hearing only one side to the story puts me at a major disadvantage since she might say things that change how I should understand the situation.

Nevertheless, there is a principle "talui al da'as achairim [dependent on the will of another]." It is one of the reasons, for example, brought for why we do not say a bracha on the mitzva of tzadaka. If I say a bracha, and the pauper refuses at the last moment to take the donation, I said a bracha livatolo, chass vichallila. I depend on the other receiving the money. I cannot depend on him as I can depend on myself, so there is no bracha for the mitzva of tzadaka.

Serious relationships are talui al da'as achairim. If person A acts in a two-person relationship in a one-person way, person B is talui al da'as achairim to change and behave properly, but it is up to person A. If person A is not willing and/or able, person B essentionally has no relationship, whether in part or full, as applicable to the case.

I believe that the Chazal which says the mizbayach cries when a couple divorces only applies when there is a marriage. Having had chupa and being miserable, alienated, criticized and forbidden to have children "because goyim manage without them" is not Jewish marriage, so the mizbayach is not likely to cry as much over divorce as over your marriage!

Besides the mitzva of having children, you are erased and harmed as a person. You have a mitzva to guard your health and the mitzva - nishmartem miode - is the only mitzva in the entire Torah that says right in the Torah to do it miode. If she is harmful to your health, you might be obligated to leave (note: I am not poskining). It is excellent that you have honesty and high standards. Never drop these standards.

I don't want to recommend marriage counseling if she will just delegitimatize anything that she does not want to hear. Is she aware that the marriage is in jeopardy? Would knowing that the marriage could be hanging by a thin thread convince her to take the prospect of counseling seriously - or would she just blame and attack you for ruining everything? If you have trouble coping, you might consider counseling yourself.

My advice is to make a list of all rabonim you know personally whose names are strong enough to be recognized by a bais din. Start asking [in person or phoning] about how your wife is not intimate, won't get help for her personality problems, causes your health damage, etc. Create a profile with as many rabonim as you can. Start by asking them specific shaalos for halacha and hadracha for narrow, individual problems. These should be rabonim who know you well enough to recognize you at the start, as well as from one call to the next. Let a pattern of marital breakdown and personal suffering and harm become personally known to each of them. Develop from shaalos into more conversational discussions about not becoming a father, and the other issues. After a while, ask the rabonim to speak to your wife. If she refuses to talk to them, or breaks promises to them about mending her ways, it will no longer be you kvetching for divorce. You will show these rabonim that you want to strive to fix the marriage and that she is the obstacle. There will come a point after several months when you will have accumulated enough of a "file" and "history" with each rov to determine this is no way to live. Then, if you have not resolved the unlivable conditions with her, you could have a case to bring to bais din, based on her failings as a wife and person and her refusal to change or to see fault anywhere but outside herself. By having several respected rabonim who can give you support in a bais din, or to the dayanim, you will be more liable to establish a case "al pee halacha" for divorce.

"Marriage is for life and not for pain [Kesuvos 61a]." Marriage is more than technical. Ahava, achva, shalom, rayus, etc. You don't have to regret breaking a marriage if there never really was one.

If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site.

With best wishes,

RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE
email: shemayisrael.com/rabbiforsythe

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Dear Rabbi: I am pursuing Torah and Talmudic resources for a father marrying a young widow(who lost her husband in a tragic skiing accident)and now adopting their 3 year old daughter. I wish a spiritual adoption with family and friends in addition to the legal one. All are Jewish- the deceased father was a Cohen as is the mother/ now my wife. I am Israel. This is to enrich our "family, parent, child" relationship, as well as shalom bayis. I enjoy your site and thinking.

Are there halacha for adopting a Jewish girl whose father died? For background, I recently married the mother. Thank you.

A: BS"D

The one thing I can tell you is that R. Moshe Feinstein, z'l, poskined that you must check thoroughly that the child is "kosher" in other words with no question of being a momzer, from a goy or other complication. Until that is known, the child is not an option for Jewish adoption. If you married the mother who had that child when she was in a halachic marriage with a kosher Jew, the investigation requirement may be met already. Ask a local rov who will be able to ask and dialog with you - in person - about the right questions and guidance on the procedure. This is an example of a question that is not for the internet.

Among the things which make your question difficult are that adoption in the secular legal sense is not quite the same approach as in Torah. It is more an act of tzadaka by supporting the child, taking the child in, giving it love, raising it and having a devoted attitude as if it were your own.

The gemora tells us that the Amora [Talmudic sage] Abayai was an orphan [his father died while his mother was pregnant, his mother died in childbirth, so he was a full orphan at birth]. Raba, an amora, took him in and raised Abayai as his own child. Abayai referred to his adoptive mother as "mother" out of love and appreciation. He learned Torah in the house of Raba, becoming a sage himself. It was not adoption in the contemporary legal sense.

So; aside from Rav Moshe's caveat to assure kosher lineage or kosher conversion, so that one is bringing a kosher Jew into his family; there are the legal implications, the convergence of secular law with Yiddishkeit, the shalom bayis implications, laws of inheritance, Torah education that are at issue; to name some of the possible complications or considerations. These must be treated in an individualized and halachic fashion with a qualified local rov who you can address and have access to in person, perhaps repeatedly, as might be necessary.

Adoption in our contemporary sense is not treated the same way in halacha, so you won't find it as such a descrete topic the way you are looking for it. The main Jewish concern is probably more in the category of tzadaka and chesed - to love, care for, raise and sacrifice for a child who is not biologically yours - as if he or she were. It is more in the domain of mitzva [and how to do it right] than legal category of adoption. Make sure to have a rov involved in the entire process. For example, since the girl is not biologically yours, you will have to learn and know the halachos of yichud.

With best wishes,

Rabbi Forsythe

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Question: I live in a community with only 1 orthodox shul, Chabad. I was not raised observant, but I remember that my great grandfather followed the ashkenzi nusach and minhagim. I consider myself an ashkenizic Jew, although I have learned much from Chabad. At shul, we daven with the chabad siddur. What nusach and minhagim should I follow personally (i.e, when it would not disrupt the community)? Is it permissable to daven with the chabad siddur with the minyan and the ashkenaz siddur at home?

A: BS"D [with the help of Heaven]

I hope you refer to the great-grandfather who is the father of your father's father. The transmission of the tradition goes from the father specifically. If this is another great-grandfather, you must trace your tradition via your father, then his father, then his father, etc. till you find conclusively what YOUR tradition is considered to be.

If this is the appropriate great-grandfather (or if it turns out the same, upon investigation, anyway) your prayer and minhagim would be Ashkenaz, even in the Chabad shul. You would say things the Chabad way for things which are said out loud, such as Kedusha; the order in which they say "Alainu" and counting the Omer; if ever G-d forbid you have to say Kaddish [a few words are different], etc.

For most things, you can say them silently - and you should - using your Nusach Ashkenaz, whether at home or in shul or anywhere else. Bring your own Siddur to services if they don't have one. Make sure to learn what is involved in your nusach, especially where different between Chabad and Ashkenaz, such as Bemah Madlikin on Friday night, the order of Pesukai Dezimra and the initial part of Ma'ariv before "Barchu" on weekdays, for example. You shall also use your pronunciation - even when saying things out loud. For example, some in Chabad pronounce the vov with a dot on top as an "ay" whereas most Ashkenazim pronounce it as an "o" or an "oy," depending on where in Europe they came from. Use your pronunciation for all aspects of prayer [blessings, reading the Torah, anything], for learning, for all "religious uses."

The only time you pray with another nusach is when you are the shliach tzibur praying for the congregation, when you must use the Nusach and minhagim of that shul, whether Chabad or anywhere else.

If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site.

With best wishes,

RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE
email: shemayisrael.com/rabbiforsythe

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Dear Rabbi, My name is William Alexander i am a highschool student in atlanta, georgia. i have recently been taking a class on Mysticicsm and a point was brought up in class on the holocaust. The point our teacher brought to our attention was...whay did G-d not help us during this horrific event...where was he? well whenasked this question are teacher brought out the tenach and referred us back to a point in the bible where G-d destroyed an entire city of "unrighteuous" Jews, we remember this part as when Lots wife was turned into a pillar of salt. Our teacher told to us that the holocaust was something of a similiar situation, one other thing he told us was that for each pasuk in the tenach a year corresponds to it, and when locating the same years as the holocaust in the tencah, the writing states something incredibly similiar to the situation with Lots wife... I would like to know your oppinion on this and if you know anything about what my teacher had taught to us, and if you have ever noticed this before or studied it. I would really appreciate your input.Also i would really appreciate if you could notify me of any places where i can find information like this that would help me in my research. thank you very much for your time and help

A: BS"D

For anyone to say that Sodom or anyone else in the generation of Lot was "a city of unrighteous Jews" is idiotic. There were no Jews until Mount Sinai when G-d gave us the Torah. The person who said this is an ignoramus, anti-semite or missionary; but has no knowledge of Judaism. From Avraham till Sinai there were the avos, eemaos, shvatim and Bnay Yisroel; but it is was giving of the Torah that made us Jews. The wicked people of Sodom were not even descendants of Avraham, so there is no basis for any link from those evil perverts to us. I know nothing of psukim in Beraishis matching years. The Vilna Gaon said that the books of Devarim matched the last thousand years [which we are now in - with each sidra matching a century], and the tochacha matches the time of the holocaust. Study this, if you want but not with this teacher. This is not mysticism, it is stupidity. You should feel insulted by this phony of a teacher.

Try to avoid this class - it will harm your neshama. Have a look at my subsite on the holocaust and the main things are to get a good rov, learn and keep the Torah, do tshuva and good deeds, work on personal growth and serve G-d with a good attitude in everything you do.

With best wishes,

RABBI JEFF FORSYTHE
shemayisrael.com/rabbiforsythe

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Question: Hello Rabbi Forsythe,

I hope you don't mind me asking a question that is not directly related to your normal content. I am a Catholic female that has a Catholic mother and a Jewish father. I have become increasingly interested in the Jewish faith. In reading your web site, I have noticed that the term 'G-d' has been used throughout. Can you please explain to me why it is spelled/formatted this way? I am very curious and have asked a few people their opinions, but would greatly appreciate your insight. Thank you for your time.

Karen

A: With the help of Heaven

Dear Karen,

Jewish law prohibits the erasing or destroying of any written name of G-d or bringing it into an unclean place such as a toilet or bathhouse or into garbage. Something written with G-d's name is holy must be buried to be disposed of.

If someone prints out something written with any name of G-d and handles it in a forbidden way, it would be a sin.

By writing the dash, the actual name is never written so if someone does not know or care about the laws, G-d's name will not be mistreated, profaned or disrespected.

Thank you for your question,

Rabbi Forsythe

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Question: Dear Rabbi, May I ask you a few basic questions? I was not born a Jew but I converted to Judaism a few years ago. My questions are -

How do you define Worship?

How do you define Veneration?

Is there a differance? If so, what?

The reason I am asking is because Christians claim they worship G-d alone, yet they pray to, and venerate, Mary also (singing hymns of praise and adoration to her). Is this not worship also? Is it not a sin to give to humans what we give to G-d?

They also say that it's OK to have statues because Isael had to 2 cherubim of gold on the Mercy Seat. In my opinion, Christian statues count as Idols that trangress the 2nd Commandment. What do you think?

Thank you for your assistance in these questions. Your answers will be of immense help to me.

G-d Bless you and your family,

Gabrielle.

A: With the help of Heaven

Dear Gabrielle,

First, you must remember that the meaning of words, relating to Judaism, must derive from the original Hebrew. Asking question from a frame of reference from anywhere out side of Judaism, especially based on words that come from other origins and languages, have no meaning. In Hebrew, we use a word, for example, "avoda," reasonably translated as service or work. It has an active connotation and, therefore service or worship is most defined by one's actions, ethics, intentions - things that have bearing on and relation to practical life.

Of course we worship G-d by prayer, fulfillment of the commandments, learning Torah, doing good deeds and the other principles of Judaism. Worship is directed only to G-d, to no humans or statues or any other creation. Worship must conform with practical application of Judaism's laws to daily life. It is not confined to the house of worship or to saying buzz-words that sound more profound or meaningful than they actually are. In fact, the Hebrew word for "speech" [deebur] comes from the same root word as "thing" [dovor], with the basic letters of dalet, bais and raish [the bais is pronounced as a "v" instead of "b" under certain grammatical conditions, but they are the same essential letter]. This proves that actions and words must be the same for either to have reality or meaning. "Veneration" is meaningless.

The Cherubim were not objects of worship, they were part of the holy sanctuary whose construction was a commandment of G-d in the Torah. Any plain statue is made by human choice so there is no sanctity to it nor comperability to the Cherubim. G-d commanded the making of the Cherubim so there is no comparison between them to any other object, especially any made by human initiative, instead of by command in the Five Books Of Moses and originating from G-d Himself. The comparison you describe between the Cherubim and other statues is so illogical and irrelevant as to be stupid to believe or accept this.

Prayer and worship may only be directed to the One invisible G-d, creator and ruler of the universe. To pray to or worship any person or any thing made by a person, such as a statue, or any object in the natural world such as a star or animal, is idolotry and not a permissible - nor even real - worship. Directing any worship (or "veneration") to any entity other than G-d means that they do not only worship G-d. This is also illogical and an inherent contradiction. Add to this her son, and the claim of worshipping one is so preposterous, illogical and hypocritical that I cannot understand calling this a religion.

Therefore, you are right that statues which are an object of worship transgress the second of the Ten Commandment (actually there are 613 commandments) to not have any statue nor to worship any. Even owning a statue that is a likeness of any object is forbidden, even without religious intentions; but all the moreso when for idolotry - the worship of anything of any kind, other than the One true G-d, Heaven help us.

Was your conversion done through an authorized bais din [Jewish court]? Do you learn Torah regularly? Questions such as you asked should become more "few and far between" - and hopefully disappear - as you progress in your Jewish studies.

I hope this answers your questions.

Sincerely,

Rabbi Forsythe

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Q: Dear Rabbi,
I really appreciate you taking the time to respond.  I am busy re-reading the 3 sections of your site about shalom bayis and anger, abusive relationships and when a marraige gets stuck.  I have also been talking to a rav. A frum counselor in town just started a support group for frum women in abusive marraiges and I went to the first meeting of that.  My husband and I had been going to counseling and he told her what he does and she said it was abusive.  He thought there was nothing wrong with yelling and cursing at me and calling me names, after all, he only did it once or twice a week.  He is controlling.  He has been emotionally abusive to his children.

I am trying to decide what to do.  The goal of the counselor in starting the group is to have the women get the strength to make a decision.  I don't know if I should stay in the marraige.  It is not the kind of marraige I expected.  I feel like I am getting weaker, not stronger.  I feel like I cannot be myself.  I have to be careful of everything I say. If I mention that the kids are rude and disrespectful, half the time my husband agrees and half the time he yells at me.  He's very inconsistent. I never know when he will respond like a normal person, and when he will blow up.  He never owns his behavior.  He has admitted that he is rude and disrespectful to me, but he says it's my fault.  He blames me when he loses his temper.  I know that you need to hear both sides, but my stepdaughters' friends' have mentioned to some of their teachers how surprised they are by how rude the girls are to me.  So I am not exaggerating.

My husband also thinks that if he tells me he loves me, and complements me on how I look, etc., that I will come to expect this and I will become demanding.  He thinks that if he refuses to say anything nice, it will make me stronger and more self-sufficient.  I was a strong, self-sufficient person before we got married.  I was independent.  I raised my kids by myself for several years, I worked and made a living (he has no problem using my salary to help pay off his debt which was about $40k when we got married).  When we decided to move across the country, because of the timing, I had to commute for a few months and stay by myself during the week.  I was independent enough to do that.  However, if I mention that I feel bad that he doesn't call when he's out of town, he puts me down and says that it's not his problem if I feel neglected.

When he treats me with respect and consideration, we get along fine. Usually, one or two weeks go by of this behavior.  When he starts to get angry and rude, and I mention to him that he shouldn't speak to me in a certain tone, or that he shouldn't ignore me, or that he shouldn't be yelling at me, he says that I am nagging him.  All I am doing is trying to stick up for myself.  He plays the victim and says that I am too critical. I only criticize his abusive behavior.

I will write more after I finish re-reading the sections on your site.> Thank you again.

A: BS"D

If it is so hard for him to be giving, including emotionally, then he sounds like someone who should not be allowed anywhere near a bas Yisroel. The person you describe, and his kids, sound like they need years of therapy - and mussar. At the very least, ask your rov if you can get a psak about birth control. You don't want a baby if it may arrive out of wedlock or in an unstable and nasty life.

A wife owes enormous kavod [gemora Kidushin 31a], but a husband owes his wife more kavod than he gives himself [gemora Yevamos 62b]. This is brought lehalacha in both Rambam and Tur. Without both giving kavod, the "system" breaks down. In next week's parsha [Behar] is the prohibition against hurting feelings, an issur de'Oraisa. You are under no obligation to take the "shmatta" treatment you get from either your husband or the kids. If they are so rude and inconsiderate, and give inadequate regard to your time or feelings, you are just like their "punching bag." I would not consider that status being, or allowing that status to continue, an option. You are there to suit others and be stepped upon when not needed. What you describe is cruel and neurotic treatment. It is not enough to be good today and hurtful tomorrow. A marriage needs stability, consistency, security and trust - at all times. You are not granted a full life. "A marriage is for life, not for pain" [gemora Kesubos 61a]. How were you even attracted to this man and these kids?

Rabbi Forsythe

[this is a continuation of the above]

Q: How was I attracted to them?  We met at our Rabbi' Shabbos Tisch and the first time I saw him, I knew I was going to marry him.  It was 1.5 years that we knew each other before we went on a date, because my civil divorce was not finalized.  Our kids were friends - my son and his youngest son were best friends, they spent most of their free time together.  They were in Yeshiva together and spent weekends at home at one or the others house. His daughters babysat my daughter.  I taught his daughters how to sew. When his oldest daughter ran away from school (when she was 16 and came home for Purim, she brought all her stuff and said she wasn't going back), she stayed with me for a few days until she calmed down, then she went back to school.  As soon as my civil divorce was final, our Rebbitzin let him know and he asked me out, and 2 weeks later, we were talking about marraige.  He was very different before we got married.  He kids also were different.  His kids hate authority and before I was their stepmother, I wasn't an authority figure.  Now I am.  (I think they hate authority because he tries to be so controlling).

A big, big problem at home with his kids is his inconsistency.  One day, he'll yell at a type of behavior that he ignores the next day.  It drives me crazy, too.  He'll make up a rule, such as no phone calls after 10:30 pm, then 2 days later, they'll be on the phone at 11:15 and I'll say something and he says what's the big deal or that he doesn't remember saying no phone calls after 10:30.  (I get up before 6 to go to work and we have the phone ringing after midnight - once at 4 am).

But he knows the halachahs about kavod.  He says I don't treat him with respect.  I try to, but I don't have so much respect for him at this point. I think he's selfish and immature (sometimes I think even worse things about him).  But when he's nice, I sometimes forget about the bad times.

A: He "knows" the halachos of kavod? The Torah says (Deuteronomy 4:39), "And you will know today and you will return it to your heart...". Rabbi Yisrael Salanter (mid 19th century) was one of the greatest Torah analysts of human nature. He says that this verse addresses two levels of human reality, 1. knowledge and 2. heart. In the Torah's need to be explicit about there being these two levels, we learn that the distance between knowing something intellectually and really absorbing it (into the heart, where it becomes genuinely assimilated into you) is as great a distance as the difference between knowing something and not knowing it at all.

Intellectualizing is not the goal. Kavod (as well as all Torah) is for integration into the heart, truly being in one's behavior. Only when "returned to your heart" is it truly known. Only when steadily practiced is what one learned termed "wisdom;" as the Mishna says (Pirkei Avos, chapter three), "He whose deeds are more than his wisdom, his wisdom will endure." Lasting practice of what you learn is the mark of its assimilation into your system. When something you "learned" is intellectual, it is not part of you. When it spontaneously and consistently prompts "learned" response, it is learned. You are changed. You are only then truly "knowing." He intellectualizes, not "knows." Actions speak louder than words.

His kids may have no choice but to let him make them crazy. You have a choice. You may have "known" that you were going to marry him. Anyone can get married. Going through a chupa is easy. But what counts is: can you STAY married to him? Are you having a marriage? Ask yourself what attracted and attracts you to him? There is no real case for it, it is something you have to introspect.

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Q: Dear Rabbi Forsythe,
Thank you so much for your email.  Yes I was converted by an Orthodox Beth Din in New York.  I lived in New York for about 6 months.  I have a lot of books on Torah, but no I do not take lessons

Below you say that "veneration" is meaningless.  Can you please clarify this for me?  Are you basically saying that there is no difference between veneration and worship?

I agree with everything you say.  It not that I don't understand, rather, it is that I wish to have some things clarified to the most basic level.  I was a Roman Catholic for most of my life and now I clearly see how totally nonsensical and idolatrous that religion is.  I still have Catholics telling me that they do not "worship" Mary, they only "venerate."  That is why I asked you to differentiate between the two.  I myself know it is wrong.  Yet I cannot explain it to others!

Praise G-D that you were not born a Gentile, for their minds are truly darkened.  They cannot understand or comprehend the One True G-D to whom alone all praise and worship belongs. 

Thank you greatly for your assistance.  May I call on you again if I have a serious question?

May G-D Bless you richly in His Graces,
Gabrielle.

A: BS"D
Dear Gabrielle,
You should be taking Torah lessons on a steady basis. There is much to know to be able to fulfill Torah: shabos, holidays, koshruss, forbidden speech (slander, vulgarity, etc.), modesty dress code, prayer, blessings, laws for business and work, many other things that apply in life.

When I say "veneration" is meaningless, it is just that. It is a foreign concept with no Jewish frame of reference, so you can just get it out of your head. Since Mary is a non-entity, whatever applies to her is a non-entity. Do not debate Christians, learn Torah. You owe them no debate and there concepts should be gone from your mind forever. They are a waste of your time. In prayer there are various aspects: praise, request, appreciation. When you study, these things become clear and explained. Concern yourself with G-d, learning and doing Torah, and your spiritual growth.

If you would like, you may write me again, care of my Shema Yisrael "Ask Your Question" site.