Seeing the
Good in the Other: Some Practical Suggestions
Dear Friends,
According to the Vilna Gaon, a leading 18th century sage,
the following verse mentions a basic principle of how people
react to one another:
"As water reflects a face back to a face, so one's heart is reflected back to him by another." (Proverbs 27:19).
Whatever
expression is on your face when you look into water, that is
the expression you will see staring back at you. So too,
explains the Vilna Gaon, if you feel positive about another
person, that person will feel positive towards you. But if
inwardly you feel negative towards someone, even if you do
not verbally say anything bad to him, he will have negative
feelings toward you.
Thinking about the good points of a person can have a
positive influence on the way that person thinks about you;
however, in some difficult cases, one may need to engage in
this practice for a longer period before any positive change
is noticed. In addition, the individual you are thinking
about may be unusually stubborn or wicked; thus, he may
constantly block out the positive effects of your thinking.
Despite the possible exceptions, the above teaching from
Proverbs is a recommended guideline for troubled
relationships, and Rabbi Chayim Zaitchyk, a noted teacher of
Mussar - Torah ethics - tells an amazing story which serves
as an example of this guideline:
In the days of Rabbi Chayim of Volozhin (a noted disciple of
the Vilna Gaon), it occurred that a butcher became very
angry at the rabbi of his city for rendering a decision that
the meat of a cow the butcher wanted to sell was not kosher.
The decision cost the butcher a great loss. In his rage, the
butcher devised a scheme to murder the rabbi! This was very
shocking and unusual, as acts of murder were extremely rare
among Jewish communities in the diaspora. On a pretext, he
had the rabbi travel with him on a lonely road. In the
middle of the way, the butcher took out his sharp knife and
wanted to kill the rabbi.
At first, the rabbi pleaded with the butcher to have
compassion on him. But this was to no avail. When the rabbi
saw that nothing he could say would make a difference, he
started to mentally focus on all of the positive qualities
and attributes of the butcher that he was familiar with.
Suddenly, there was an amazing transformation. In the middle
of the rabbi's thinking about the virtues of the butcher,
the butcher changed his mind. With a strong feeling of love,
the butcher - with tears in his eyes - kissed the rabbi and
begged his forgiveness.
Even when we need to rebuke others for a constructive
purpose, we should first see the good in them. In this way,
we can remind them of their potential. For example, if a
friend is about to commit an injustice, you should not say,
"You must be a cruel and immoral person if you are planning
to do this!" Instead, you can say, "I have always respected
your character, but the act that you are planning to do is
not in keeping with your own good values, as I shall
explain." I discovered this insight when I came across a
teaching which was cited in the name of Rabbi Moshe Alshich,
a noted sage and biblical commentator of the 16th
century who taught Torah in the holy city of Tsfas (Safed),
which is located in the northern section of the Land of
Israel. He explains that in order for a rebuke to be
effective, we need to address the good and wise part of the
person - which is actually his true essence. He finds a
reference to this idea in the following advice of King
Solomon:
"Do not admonish the scoffer, lest he hate you; admonish the wise person, and he will love you." (Proverbs 9:8)
According
to Rabbi Moshe Alshich, the above verse has the following
deeper meaning: There is a scoffer and a wise person
within each of us. If you address the scoffer within the
other person, he will resent your criticism and hate you;
however, if you address the wise soul within him - his true
essence - then he will love you for reminding him of his
true and good nature. This is universal advice which all
people can follow by remembering that the friend one is
rebuking is created in the Divine image (Genesis 5:1).
In the spirit of the above teachings, I will share with you
a story about Rabbi Aryeh Levin, who was a beloved sage of
Jerusalem during the 20th century. He was once
walking with his grandson, and he asked the boy the
following question: "Is it better to be a hater of falsehood
or a lover of truth?" Both are high levels, and the grandson
did not know how to respond. Reb Aryeh answered:
"To be a
lover of truth is a higher level. Someone who hates
falsehood will see the falsehood that exists in every
person, and he may come to despise them or even hate them,
God forbid. A lover of truth, however, will see the truth in
every person, and he will come to honor them and even love
them."
There is a bit of truth in each person. The Mishnah
therefore teaches in the name of Ben Zoma: "Who is wise? The
one who learns from every human being" (Pirkei Avos 4:1).
May we be blessed with a chodesh tov – a good
month. And may this month bring us comfort, redemption, and
true shalom.
Yosef Ben Shlomo Hakohen